The last 60 hours.

It's 9am and I've already been on the phone with my father once this morning at 7:45...just wanting to hear his voice and his encouragement. He says he supports me 100%, has been praying daily for both me and my wife, but understands that the bandaid must be "ripped" off soon.

He recognizes that there only seems to be two outcomes: 1) My wife breaks down and gets professional help, or 2) My marriage is over.....but as he pointed out...the choice is really all hers. I've done everything I could have possibly done these last few months, giving her opportunity after opportunity, after opportunity to make her own choices and take her priorities seriously...and instead she has chosen to hit the bottle.

Friday night when I came home the neighbors invited me and my wife out for sushi. I was dead tired being up close to 40 hours straight at that point, but I agreed and dinner was okay. My wife surprised me by actually paying for my portion, but I did have to suffer one or two cheap shots from her at dinner. I noticed that everyone at our table drank water (5 of us) except my wife who had to have a half carafe of hot sake (she was No 6 BTW).

When we made it home, I took a hot shower and was in bed by 8:30pm, and slept all the way through until 6:15am Saturday morning when I rousted myself up for my men's support group at church.

My BIL/SIL called me Saturday afternoon as I was walking the dog and we had a 45 minute conversation. I was strong through most of it, gaining their total support, although I did get choked up one or twice. They requested that I get a professional counsler to the intervention as well (of course, at my expense) to help guide the day, make sure we all stay on track, and I suppose to also make sure cooler heads prevail. After some initial thoughts, I tended to agree, and now I'm tasked today (Monday) to find one and try to figure out schedules. Ugh...more pressure and more of this landing at my feet.

Later Saturday afternoon my neighbors (another set) and my wife an I went out for the afternoon, food tasting and bought goodies home for us all to continue in the backyard while I BBQ. It was the first time in weeks that I didn't think about our "situation", and the first time I felt some peace in days. While I will give my wife credit for being cordial and nice to me this weekend, there was no affection between us. Maybe I'm the only one who noticed, but she treated me more like her friend than a husband. A roommate, not a soul mate.

Sunday morning I went to church, then the gym, and when I came home I had a few minutes alone with my step-daughter. She told me that she had called her grandparents (my inlaws) and she said she explained to them that she thinks her mom does have a drinking issue, drinks 1-2 bottles a day, and has driven while under the influence on rare occasions. She also told them about their fight the previous week in which I had to intervene.

If anything right now I'm so proud of her and happy that even my step-daughter is standing up and taking notice and being honest with the family. I'm not in this alone, although I still feel I have the most to lose.

Later yesterday afternoon, yet a third neighbor asked me to hang out with him...to get him out of the house and he'd buy me lunch. He did, and I admit I had two beers....Then my wife texted me to say she got more BBQ stuff fro me to cook and told me to come home with him to make dinner for him and his wife. We did and it was fine, although no interaction between my wife and I except cordial conversation. Soon they left, and my wife and I watched "Once upon a time." on opposite ends of the couch. When it was over at 9pm I went to bed...we didn't say anything to each other.

At 3:30am this morning, I woke up, my spirit heavy...or was it stress? I prayed for a bit, fell back asleep, got up at 6:30 and got ready for work....and left. Yet another morning where I left without saying "Goodbye" or giving her a kiss on the forehead as I've done for years.

Right now....I feel...."even", although an hour ago I was uptight, scared, ansty, mad, and just overall frustrated with the situation. She has bowling tonight...yet another $50 night for her, someone who has no money and no job, but I'm okay with that. I need the peace and quiet for the coming storm that is rapidly approaching....

God, Lord....Father....Please give me strength to stay focused, be strong, be firm, yet be loving and at peace.

To intervene, or not to intervene (part 2)

Today is a bear.

I didn't sleep at all last night and now I'm cranky and irritable and feel like I'm bubbling under the surface.

I hate waiting.

I'm waiting for my SIL to cooridinate the next steps. She and my BIL are supposed to meet with my inlaws sometime later this afternoon, or early evening and I seem to be in an emotional holding pattern.

Last night, I was on the receiving end of yet another rehashed 1 hour and 15 minute venting from my wife. Of course most of it was directed to me and about me, but there was a sprinkling of her daughter, her 1st ex-husband, and random other participants that have somehow wronged her in a way in which she feels is why she is where she is now....miserable.

I sat and listened....quietly...I've heard it all before....multiple times. The tune doesn't change, just the day and the hour. Somewhere around 45 minutes into I half tuned out. I wasn't about to get mad, scream back, do something stupid that could be used against me. I just grinned and bared it and pretended this will all be over soon enough.

After 8 years of marriage I realize when it is absolutely pointless and fruitless for me to respond. Just best let her vent, and let herself repeat adnaseum...as if the first 10 times she yelled about something it didn't sink in or I didn't hear.

But somewhere last night (at least I say that now) I mentally hit both an emotional and mental wall of sorts, and realized that this is never going to change, not until she wants to change herself and get help. I'm done.

I have to worry about my own mental health, and state of being. I have to worry about being able to focus on my job, and be able to sleep and be healthy. I cannot do that with her random behaviors that everyone recognizes except herself.

Whereas yesterday I was scared of losing my wife, of admitting my marriage is over, thinking about divorce is a sin in God's eyes, and afraid of the eventual confrontation that somehow is destiny......now I just want the day to come where she makes her choice and I can move on.

I emailed my SIL this morning and said, "lets get this thing going"....if I have to wait anylonger I'm going to go mad. If she is going to chose not to get help, to be angry at me, and then leave...lets just rip the bandaid and let the healing begin. Next month I'm 42, and despite battling this depression and mental fatigue, I'm still a young and good looking guy, and maybe I can start over with someone this time in which I am equally-yoked.

I'll cut this one short here.....I have more to say, more to express, but I need to clear my head a bit and take a breather....

To intervene, or not to intervene. (Part I)

Anonymous asked me a question based on my last post wondering if I am stressed or relieved that my family (actually her side...they actually requested that my own parents do not participate) wishes to have an intervention with my wife regarding her drinking.



It's a complicated answer in which I've had very little time to digest the whole situation and feel that somehow this decision is out of my hands.


A bit of background first:

1. My wife had a terrible first marriage that did not end on good terms.


2. My wife can be emotionally stubborn and proud, and finds it very hard to admit her weaknesses, let alone when she is wrong or the ability to say 'sorry'.


3. Her relationship with her daughter is tenous at best.


4. You've probably realized (if you've been reading me for any amount of time), that our relationship is also tenous, at best. Some good days...some bad days.


5. My wife has been out of a job for 10 months now, and gave up looking about 3 months ago.


6. My wife does not regularly attend church, nor has a desire too.

There are other points as well, including the ones I bring to the table, but suffice to say I think whereas I can admit my demons, my shortcomings, my faults...my wife is in complete denial of her own. And now that she doesn't work, this has 'enabled' her to hit the bottle a bit more than normal as a form of 'escape', although I'm sure like most functional alcoholics, she will completely deny that.

As far as the intervention goes, yes, I'm both stressed and feeling releived at the same time. I just want it over so I can figure out on how to move on, one way or another.

However, it seems (not that I'm faulting her) that my SIL is full steam ahead on this and kinda took charge. We spoke the other day about my wifes Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde personality, and the next thing I knew (less than 24 hours later) was that her family wants to have an intervention, and soon.

My wife does indeed need help and needs to be confronted, but I can't help but feel this is all going to blow back on me and perceived by her as all my doing. In fact, I just wanted my SIL to talk to my wife about getting her butt in gear and start looking for a job since when I bring it up at home, it generally starts an argument.

I asked for the support of my SIL/BIL and inlaws to sit and talk with her in the coming weeks to see what her 'plan', if any, was. To 'strongly' encourage her to go back to school, or start looking for a job again. The drinking was mentioned and my SIL and MIL agreed that my wife has a drinking problem (so do I). My step-daughter asked for the intervention.

Wham-o.

I get a call saying we need to get together soon and I should rehab numbers ready. This is all a lot to digest while I am at work and can't actually talk to anyone.

To be continued.....

Drugs make me tired, or is it more?

Since I started yet another regime of mood stablizers, anti-anxiety medication, and cholesterol meds, I have been more tired than usual as of late.

But I wonder how much is due to the drugs, and how much is due to me just being emotionally tired.

The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Some good days, some bad. There have been days of secret tears, and other days of public laughter. Though God requests us not worry about the future, I fully admit (as I have many times before) that this is an issue I struggle with. I give it up to the Lord, and eventually take it all back, wondering why my prayers aren't heard and what is this whole "in His time" thing mean?

Yesterday it rained and by the time I got home I was cold and a bit hungry. My wife who stayed home all day had made nothing, so I made myself a can of soup. We didn't speak much yesterday when I got home, and to be honest I was quite okay with that.

I went to bed at 9pm and tried to watch some TV but my eyes were heavy and by 9:45 I gave up. The next thing I knew it was 3:30 and my wife had grabbed her blanket and pillow and went downstairs. I imagine my snoring was keeping her from sleep and I have no idea what time she went to bed. Nor did I care. I fell back asleep at about 3:40 and was fine until 6:30 when she made her presence known by flopping back in our bed (I'm sure trying to wake me up and let me know she was frustrated from her lack of sleep...she's like that...I'm not).

I finally arose at 6:45am and had my two cups of coffee.

It is now 9am and I swear, I could go back to sleep right now. I know that the side effects of these drugs are drowsiness, and I can tell the Lexapro is starting to kick in. My thoughts are focused one minute, then a slight haze the next.

I did receive a text msg from my SIL yesterday afternoon. She said she was planning on talking to her mother sometime around or just after 4pm, but I haven't heard anything yet.

Tonight, my wife and I are still supposed to go out to dinner. At least she acknowledged that this morning as I left and reminded her we have reservations at 8pm. I'm attempting to salvage Valentine's Day, although I don't have much hope. Just need to make it through the next 80 hours or so until Sunday night.

I have a feeling this is the calm before the storm.

Slightly Empowered

Yeah, this is the second post of the day. Not exactly sure what this means other than I'm a bit antsy this afternoon.

Spoke to my sister-in-law today at length and she revealed some things to me about my wife and also believes that my wife in in need of both therapy and rehab. I'm not exactly sure why her family keeps dancing about around on eggshells regarding her drinking. Probably the same reason I do....she can be a BEAR when confronted about her drinking and no one wants to take her on by herself. The thing is, I at least admit it up front. I think they know it as well, but have a slightly harder time deciding who is going to take the first step, or any step for that matter.

Maybe it's the Lexapro talking right now, but after our talk, I had a little more confidence into taking matters into my own hands. That is to day, standing up for myself and putting myself first. Lord knows my wife doesn't. She makes sure she is first, as reiterated by my SIL.

When does one stop caring? For me it fluctuates. I'm honest to say right this second I feel brave, but ask me again in two hours or tomorrow, and I might be singing another tune.

We still have tentative plans for tomorrow evening and supposedly Saturday afternoon, so I just have to make it through the next 96 hours or so. Sunday can't get here soon enough, and I have to figure out what I/we are going to do.

I stare at the clock right now and I have 70 minutes left at work. Then I have a 30 minute commute after that. So in approx 100 I get to enter my domain of 'bliss' (*sarcasm).

Right now I just don't give a crap.

As my SIL just said "How can it get any worse?"

True dat.

When pain turns to anger

Straight up: I had a physical last week. New doctor. My vision is 20/15 (pretty good for 41). My blood pressure is still a bit elevated (stress I assume), and we had a talk about depression.

I'm on a new cycle of 20mg Lexapro. Also taking .25mg of Xanax for anxiety attacks when they happen----usually a discomfort in my chest, like a knot, with a little trouble of breathing and sometimes cotton mouth.

I've been getting a lot of support from my parents, my in-laws, my sister-in-law, and my church. I am not getting any support from my wife....you know, the person who can do no wrong...ever.

Yesterday was Valentines day.

I bought my wife her favorite flowers: Tulips. I bought her two cards as well, one sweet, one a bit 'randy'. I also wrote her a note exclaiming that after 8 years I am indeed still in love with her.

None of these were acknowledges. In fact, I did not receive a card in return.

Last week she told me she loved me...twice.

Last night she accused me of hiding something on my computer. It turned out to be a IP address in my history that was password protected. When I showed her it was for our wireless router and gave her the password so she could check it out herself, I received no apology.

Another Valentines day ruined and in the trash.

To her it's about trust.

I broke her trust sometime back and have since apologized with all my heart at least 100 times if not more. Okay, I admit...during some lonely times I surfed some adult material on the web...and tried to cover it up...and got caught. I have learned my lesson and know this is not pleasing to God or my wife. She said she could forgive me for the indescretion, but not the cover up.

I understand that and have taken full responsibilty and have repented 100 times as well. I went as far as to come clean to my parents, my in-laws, my church, and my BIL/SIL. They have all forgiven me. Christ has forgiven.

My wife has not.

I understand that trust has been broken. That I brought this on myself. But I am human. I make stupid mistakes. We make stupid mistakes. She makes stupid mistakes...and I forgive her. I ask for forgiveness as much as I deal it out.

But this happened some time ago. And just last week, things were fine. So why yesterday, of all days, did all this have to be dredged up yet again...to be thrown in my face...again. To be reminded that her trust is broken and I'm not worthy.

I have spent weeks, months, years in tears for one reason or another....asking God to intervene in my marriage. And nothing. Nothing but my constant heartache, pain, unfocused days, and sleepless nights.

Last night I got angry. How long is long enough? How many times must I apologize for the past? 100? 1000? 10,000? I have been paying penance forever, and continue to do so. But last night I told her I was hiding nothing....and that was the truth...but she spent 45 minutes trying to uncover something that wasn't there to begin with. What happened to that love she claimed she had for me 1 week ago?

So today I'm angry. Not lose-it-out-of-control-anger, but anger that she will not get over this and she cannot forgive me. Her heart is hardened, like Pharoah.

I am reaching the end of my rope. I know I have said that before and last time I was so close to seeing a lawyer. I need a fresh start. A do-over. A person who can love me despite my faults and with teh ability to forgive and move on......not to constantly berate me and hit me over the head at random times and rehash the past so that no wounds will ever heal.

God...I scream..."Where are you?"