Tough evening

This isn't exactly the post I wanted to write today, however, events of last night as they unfolded with my wife have left me in a spiritual quagmire.

First and foremost, let me say that I love my wife, and as I just recently explained to a person, that if any commitment that I have ever made to God I hold true and dear to my heart is the commitment and sanctity of marriage. I truly believe that it is a contract I have made with the creator at the altar, my allegiance to that contract more or less supersedes many of my other core beliefs. I think the only way I would ever entertain the notion of divorce is if I found my wife cheated on me or one day said she didn't love me anymore. But per the obligatory 'through good times and in bad', I remain faithful to the idea and institution of marriage.

Now that doesn't mean I don't have some sneaking thoughts occasionally that make me wonder if she was indeed the "one". There are times when we argue or are on such different pages in our thinking or where our priorities are, I often wonder if I didn't make a mistake. Usually those moments are few and far between each other, but when they strike, they strike.

We had an argument the other night, one I wasn't looking to participate in. I actually tried to avoid it...more than once....I said "Can we discuss this later?", but my wife wasn't really having that.

You see, recently I have been unemployed. Not by choice and not because of my performance. The position was simply 'eliminated', and I found myself out of work for the first time in over ten years. Seeing that we just bought a house two years ago, been married for just under three, my car is falling apart and some other issues (another post for another day), I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Lately I have spent a lot of time in the recesses of my own personal hell. I have been very lonely during the day on top of interviews that go nowhere, searching for employment, and more or less walking around in a daze. Some days I feel like just giving up, but I don't go down easy....no matter what the enemy throws at me, and lately it seems as if has had a field day with me.

Anyway, I feel like I'm going of track here...

My wife the other night asks me "What did you do today?" Well, that may seem like an innocent question, but it was the third day in a row she asked me that, and her tone of voice suggested some undercurrent hints of resentment.....that I was sitting at the house doing nothing. Because I didn't finish everything on the "Honey Do" list. Well, simply stating besides cleaning the house (vacuuming, dishes, trash, mopping dusting), yard work, some outdoor painting of the trim, cooking dinner nightly, entertaining the dog on top of phone calls, resumes, cover letters, interviews, searches, etc....I was a bit taken back and hurt...

to be continued....

Welcome. 1st post.

I'd like to thank each and everyone of you for stopping by here.

This Blog more or less came to me as an epihany a few weeks back and I struggled for a while if it was the right move or not, to divulge my faith in a pleasing way to the Almighty.

Recently, in times of ongoing personal crisis, I found a lot of support from family, friends and church. Yet, for some reason it never seemed enough. I don't want to sound greedy or unthankful, but for some reason I though maybe God did abandon me. That's crazy, I know. Deep down in my heart, and even in my mind, I know that God has a plan for each and every single one of us. The problem is, he reveals this plan in 'his' time, not 'mine'. And because I am and have always been an impatient person, when the answers don't come as soon as I like, I tend to wonder if I did something wrong.

Something unpleasing.

Something unworthy.

Then I am reminded that even the best of us are sinners, and God does not liek to punish. Yet, I am not positive if he 'tests' a persons mettle as much as many Christians like to proclaim. "Oh, this is God test to you.", they say. I am not so sure about that, or comfortable in absolute agreement.

Oh, by the way, I figure I must tell you I am a Christian. I know there are many flavors of Christians and Christianity, so I'd have to clasify myself as 'Non-demoninational', born-again Christian. But don't let that scare you away.

I have problems.

I'm not perfect, nor ever claimed to be.

My faith is shaken from time to time, and I am trying to overcome fear, anger, jealousy and many other secular practices, and I'm not sure I ever will. If I were, or anyone was perfect, then why would we need Jesus for salvation?

But I have had a calling as of late. Though I'd consider myself a church goer for many years, actually most of my life, it was only recently that my mind and heart and spirit were and continue to be at war with one another. I had a need to seek out the peace of Jesus and to recongnize things in my life as of late, and then the hammer dropped.

Death, loss of a job, clinical depression. Just a small sampling of things I thought I was in control of until my heart began to ache, and I began to cry at any given time. When the loss of sleep affecting my sanity and all the prayers in the world seemed like they fell on deaf ears.

Thus the idea of this blog. Inspired by God? Maybe. A thought that has festered in my brain that I cannot get rid of. To share with you, no matter how I am judged, in hopes of perhaps helping you to discover something about yourself the same way I am trying to rediscover who I am in God ultimate plan. Perhaps a dose of self-psychology and counseling...to get my thought out of my head, and my heart, and on paper, or on this case cyber-space.

Maybe you'll identify, maybe you won't. But I have to do this. Something in my head told me to.

Welcome.