...or does He?
At various times in my life I have always wondered why the Bible and the teachings of both the old testament and new testament are more straight forward. I suppose it depends on who you ask...but I think that most can agree that somewhere during their own personal struggles with faith and belief we have wondered exactly what a specific verse means.
Today, there are numerous versions of the bible, including but not limited to: NIV, King James, The Living Bible, New American Standard, etc... I found an article here by Dr. Dale A. Robbins who attempts to explain why so many translations are available if you are interested. I'll tell you now, I don't know any other works or studies by Dr. Robbins, so I am not giving this article my full endorsement.
I also recall many past teachers of the Word who are much more knowledgeable than myself have always said to have 'faith like a child' in what the Word says. Well, logically I guess this makes sense at a very glossary level, but that doesn't help me understand why there are so many versions that all tend to 'fit' a certain denomination. So which one is the 'right' one? Why has God allowed so many various permutations if He wanted to get His one true message across? What makes NIV better that NASB, or vice-versa? Seems to me, He could have made it easier for us if He wanted to get His universal message across to all. But then again, I'm not the creator and I fail to see let alone understand the big picture of a God who lives outside of time and space and is all knowing.
So why am I bringing this all up? Well, I have had a lot of questions lately, especially those focusing on the end times. The thought of the great tribulation, the rapture, ever-lasting life, various judgements, the Antichrist has honestly scared the bejeezuz out of me. I know some Christians look forward to this time and can't wait. Well, personally, I can.....I think I'd rather die of natural causes or an accident than witness what is to come, let alone live it if I am not a part of the rapture.
Even Christians debate on what the 'rapture' really means. Some are pre-trib, others post-trib, some even state it's a metaphor...there won't be an 'actual' rapture as described in Revelations....and each have some solid arguments that confuse even the best and eager students. Heck, I am confused myself. I guess I consider myself a pre-trib person, meaning I believe that true believers will vanish in a twinkling of an eye just prior to the tribulation where the Antichrist will set up his power for conquest over the next seven years.
So I had some questions and asked someone who I believe truly loves the Lord and Christ and is a Christian to help me sort out all these issues in my head. I was really was losing sleep over it and worried...I can't help it...it's my nature and something I struggle with daily. I may even think at times that some of my mental issues comes from the fact I am worried about the afterlife and my presence within it.
His answers really surprised me and was not even close to what I was expecting or had ever really been taught before. So much so in fact, that I had a problem even digesting his own revelations and the questions got bigger than I really wanted to deal with....just the opposite effect of what I was seeking. I relayed my concerns to him about his interpretations and he simply told me two points:
1) Satan knows that I am seeking out the Lord, and the turmoils I go through is his attempt to place self-doubt within my head, to take my focus off of God, to harvest confusion and to make it so that my faith is always on shaky ground because Satan has already lost his war over me, but now just wants to make my life difficult where he can.
and the one I really am wrestling with now...
2) Satan is the author of confusion. Christ and being 'in the Spirit' is of peace. Christ makes clear all that truly seek and gives comfort, not confusion.
Uh, oh. So what does that say about me? I'm more confused than ever, and I'm hearing conflicting answers from peoples whose job it is to minister to people.
(to be continued.....)
April 30, 2008
April 21, 2008
Flags at half mast....again.
"How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog - it's here a little while, then it's gone" (James 4:14)
I've been at my new job for a total of ten months now, and today I received an email that a fellow coworker passed away over the weekend. He was in his late 50's, and there was some speculation that he may have been ill due to a very raspy voice, but no one seems to know for sure. The details of his death were not made known to the employee's.
That's the fifth person who has passed at my job in ten months. Five.
I'm a little taken aback by this one as I knew the gentleman and had the pleasure of working with him on a small project about 2 months back.
And now he is gone.
I have no idea on what his faith was. We never spoke of it, nor would I have ever thought to have at work in today's politically correct environment. I've never been good at witnessing. I kind of gave up on the overt witnessing I have tried in the past. If asked, I'm very forward to share my beliefs and I make no qualms about my own questions at times, especially mired in my own psyche.
That's one of the reason I started this blog to begin with. I wanted to share with everyone the ups and downs of my life and hope through my experiences that perhaps someone could relate and realize that they are not alone in their thoughts. Its intention is to still let anyone out there who is depressed that even Christians have their dark moments and far from perfect. I don't frolic through meadows of daisies, see the goodness in all things, or wake up with a beaming ray of sunshine protruding from my smile....that is if I even smile that day.
I share my personal, intimate details with you all, from my struggles in marriage, work related issues, and random, corrupt thoughts born of flesh and sin. I want to share with you how anti-depressants work for me, and matters of the Spirit from my perspective, and maybe....just maybe someone out there can relate and know you aren't alone in your thoughts.
Why you ask? Because we never know when our time is up. We do not know the hour of the day in which God already knew from the beginning when our mortal bodies shall return to dust, and our soul is either greeted with open arms and love, or the gnashing and wailing of teeth.
Right now, I am still continuing to have issues with my wife. We had a pleasant evening together last night....dinner, conversation, and some time watching shows together in which we like. We also played a video game together and it was fun. It's as if the argument from earlier in the week never happened, and those are the times I miss and wish to think about more often....not the drama that sends voices escalating, causing sleep to be list, and headaches, and ill feelings towards each other.
My mother-in-law is planning on speaking with my wife tomorrow in regards to certain behaviors that everyone is aware of, and I'm sure my name will be involved. I know this is coming, my wife doesn't know that I know, and I hope my wife realizes her mother speaks to her out of love and concern and not our of judgement. I say this because I am emotionally spent right now and do not wish to endure or entertain any altercation at this point, but these things always have a tendency to backfire against yours truly.
I have a great relationship with my in-laws, or at least I hope to think I do (a relationship my own mother and wife do not share however). I have come to them in the past, and they listen and advise in earnest....something I am so thankful for.
I am a little stressed out now. Of course I imagine my wife walking in the door tomorrow and laying into me for possibly airing dirty laundry. But I need to 'man-up'. While I suppose the situation could possibly deteriorate further, I am hoping for a miracle....that my wife may need to hear from someone else that I love her and I care and that marriage should be a bonding experience not something to tear us apart...because that is not what God wants for any of his children. And because we do not know how long our life is to be...that we exit this realm in good standing and not at odds with those we love.
I've been at my new job for a total of ten months now, and today I received an email that a fellow coworker passed away over the weekend. He was in his late 50's, and there was some speculation that he may have been ill due to a very raspy voice, but no one seems to know for sure. The details of his death were not made known to the employee's.
That's the fifth person who has passed at my job in ten months. Five.
I'm a little taken aback by this one as I knew the gentleman and had the pleasure of working with him on a small project about 2 months back.
And now he is gone.
I have no idea on what his faith was. We never spoke of it, nor would I have ever thought to have at work in today's politically correct environment. I've never been good at witnessing. I kind of gave up on the overt witnessing I have tried in the past. If asked, I'm very forward to share my beliefs and I make no qualms about my own questions at times, especially mired in my own psyche.
That's one of the reason I started this blog to begin with. I wanted to share with everyone the ups and downs of my life and hope through my experiences that perhaps someone could relate and realize that they are not alone in their thoughts. Its intention is to still let anyone out there who is depressed that even Christians have their dark moments and far from perfect. I don't frolic through meadows of daisies, see the goodness in all things, or wake up with a beaming ray of sunshine protruding from my smile....that is if I even smile that day.
I share my personal, intimate details with you all, from my struggles in marriage, work related issues, and random, corrupt thoughts born of flesh and sin. I want to share with you how anti-depressants work for me, and matters of the Spirit from my perspective, and maybe....just maybe someone out there can relate and know you aren't alone in your thoughts.
Why you ask? Because we never know when our time is up. We do not know the hour of the day in which God already knew from the beginning when our mortal bodies shall return to dust, and our soul is either greeted with open arms and love, or the gnashing and wailing of teeth.
Right now, I am still continuing to have issues with my wife. We had a pleasant evening together last night....dinner, conversation, and some time watching shows together in which we like. We also played a video game together and it was fun. It's as if the argument from earlier in the week never happened, and those are the times I miss and wish to think about more often....not the drama that sends voices escalating, causing sleep to be list, and headaches, and ill feelings towards each other.
My mother-in-law is planning on speaking with my wife tomorrow in regards to certain behaviors that everyone is aware of, and I'm sure my name will be involved. I know this is coming, my wife doesn't know that I know, and I hope my wife realizes her mother speaks to her out of love and concern and not our of judgement. I say this because I am emotionally spent right now and do not wish to endure or entertain any altercation at this point, but these things always have a tendency to backfire against yours truly.
I have a great relationship with my in-laws, or at least I hope to think I do (a relationship my own mother and wife do not share however). I have come to them in the past, and they listen and advise in earnest....something I am so thankful for.
I am a little stressed out now. Of course I imagine my wife walking in the door tomorrow and laying into me for possibly airing dirty laundry. But I need to 'man-up'. While I suppose the situation could possibly deteriorate further, I am hoping for a miracle....that my wife may need to hear from someone else that I love her and I care and that marriage should be a bonding experience not something to tear us apart...because that is not what God wants for any of his children. And because we do not know how long our life is to be...that we exit this realm in good standing and not at odds with those we love.
April 17, 2008
Rough Time Recovery
Yesterday was a tough day at work. Not as tough as I first imagined due to the lack of sleep I had and a sore jaw from our arguement the night before. I'm actually surprised how much energy I did have. Possibly I was still amped up from a certain level of adrenaline and anger that was fueling my system.
I did have a moment in which I spoke to my father for 30 minutes and explained what happened. Moreso I suppose as a method of personal release, to get it out since it was boiling up inside me. I chose to share this with my father because he was there for me during my intial breakdowns, and sat with me when he thought I was going to go postal.....just to make sure I didn't do anything stupid.
It's weird being a male. We are taught from an early age in our culture not to show emotions. Perhaps the last few years or decades it has become somewhat more acceptable for men to display a softer side, but even I hate crying as much as I do and I wish I were a stronger person in certain regards.
He just listened to me and shared some insights and said he'd pray for me...for us (that is my wife and I), and wants to see us work it out, but he's afraid that I will spend the next 30-40 years of my life never knowing true happiness. I know what he was alluding to as a possible option, and the thought has indeed crossed my mind....but I take my vows very seriously. Well, at least I do. For Better or For Worse. In Sickness and in Health. Does that mean mental health as well? Hmmmm?
As I tend do when I get in a serious funk, I turn on Christian radio. That 30 minute commute back to my house in the afternoon is sometimes used as an impromptu bible study and I wanted to surround myself in the word yesterday.
Wouldn't you know the message really was directed right back to me??? It was all about those people who can't move forward because they are always looking back. Because they cannot let go of the past. The conviction was there. That is what I do. As much as I pray and want to, my logical brain and/or Satan is always there to tell me "Well, what about the past..? Remember when..?" Yes.....unfortunately I do. I recognize that as much as I have moved forward, I have not embraced the present and future 100%. I still have a portion of myself invested in the past...and their roots run deep.....and keep me tethered to my former self.
I need a spiritual hatchet to cut those roots that tether me so.
I forget the verse, but I seem to recall Christ telling us not to worry about the past, because He knows how much damage the past can do to us. We are supposed to be new creatures with a new mindset under his guidance, grace, mercy, and blood.
Anyway, I had a decent night sleep last night. So much so in fact, I slept hard and undistrurbed from 10:30pm to 7:15 am, almost 9 full hours and I could have used more. My feelings are still hurt, my wife and I still awkward, but at least today I can fucntion. The anger has subsided as has the bitterness and anxiety for the time being...and I didn't have to resort to a Clonzapen.
I did have a moment in which I spoke to my father for 30 minutes and explained what happened. Moreso I suppose as a method of personal release, to get it out since it was boiling up inside me. I chose to share this with my father because he was there for me during my intial breakdowns, and sat with me when he thought I was going to go postal.....just to make sure I didn't do anything stupid.
It's weird being a male. We are taught from an early age in our culture not to show emotions. Perhaps the last few years or decades it has become somewhat more acceptable for men to display a softer side, but even I hate crying as much as I do and I wish I were a stronger person in certain regards.
He just listened to me and shared some insights and said he'd pray for me...for us (that is my wife and I), and wants to see us work it out, but he's afraid that I will spend the next 30-40 years of my life never knowing true happiness. I know what he was alluding to as a possible option, and the thought has indeed crossed my mind....but I take my vows very seriously. Well, at least I do. For Better or For Worse. In Sickness and in Health. Does that mean mental health as well? Hmmmm?
As I tend do when I get in a serious funk, I turn on Christian radio. That 30 minute commute back to my house in the afternoon is sometimes used as an impromptu bible study and I wanted to surround myself in the word yesterday.
Wouldn't you know the message really was directed right back to me??? It was all about those people who can't move forward because they are always looking back. Because they cannot let go of the past. The conviction was there. That is what I do. As much as I pray and want to, my logical brain and/or Satan is always there to tell me "Well, what about the past..? Remember when..?" Yes.....unfortunately I do. I recognize that as much as I have moved forward, I have not embraced the present and future 100%. I still have a portion of myself invested in the past...and their roots run deep.....and keep me tethered to my former self.
I need a spiritual hatchet to cut those roots that tether me so.
I forget the verse, but I seem to recall Christ telling us not to worry about the past, because He knows how much damage the past can do to us. We are supposed to be new creatures with a new mindset under his guidance, grace, mercy, and blood.
Anyway, I had a decent night sleep last night. So much so in fact, I slept hard and undistrurbed from 10:30pm to 7:15 am, almost 9 full hours and I could have used more. My feelings are still hurt, my wife and I still awkward, but at least today I can fucntion. The anger has subsided as has the bitterness and anxiety for the time being...and I didn't have to resort to a Clonzapen.
April 16, 2008
Rough Times
Friends, I sit here today with a muddled mind and a sadness in my heart and frustration that wasn't planned, but then again, when is it?
I don't even know where to begin in this, and my prayers throughout the evening and this morning have been distracted by negative emotions and tears and a literal deafness to the world around me right now.
It wasn't to long ago in a previous entry I quipped that one of the most frustrating and hurtful things in my life is when my marriage seems to be going well, and then the inevitable other shoe drops that I keep trying to stave off for as long as I can. Well, last night that shoe dropped on me when I wasn't expecting it and opened a can of worms in my house that now when I look in the mirror this morning I am reminded just how fragile I am and I wonder where God's strength is.
My wife came home from another late night out with some co-workers of hers and out fo the blue made mention that I need to make up with my former manager....one who let me go from my job of ten years ago and was the ising on the cake of my emotional state of being. It was explained to me, finally after two years, the reason my job was eliminated was that I was a scapegoat and the sacraficial lamb for a situation there that was never really explained to me. My wife went on to detail how three managers had come to the conclusion, although two of them knew it was wrong on a moral plane, the political landscape of the company of that time had these people send me down the river with out the paddle, or explanation. In short, my termination was totally political.
I harbored a lot of bitterness and anger in those early days because I guess I knew in the bottom of my heart something was 'fishy'....something didn't add up....but no one....I mean no one came clean and told me the truth so admittedly I never had closure.
It was both a blessing and a burden at the same time. The blessing I suppose is that God eventually took care of me and gave me a new job with less stress and it also helped me to rediscover him as well....a relationship I had been taking for granted and still wlaking the way of the world. The burden it was the straw that broke the camels back in many aspects of my life. I needed my anti-depression medicine and anxiety pills more than ever. My emotions were stripped down to I often wonder how I woke up some mornings. My drinking increased. My anger and biterness increased. I could snap at any moment. I was during these times that my wife hurt me as well emotionally with words: "I don't want to bring a child into the world when you're broken and you want be a good father. You need to seek counseling." But she would not go with me. I felt as if I were on an island by myself and even my wife was standing across the ocean offering very little constructive support or advice. Yes, we even debate that today....she believes in her heart she was supportive and maybe she was in her best capacity....but if that's the type of support that was offered, I figured why not just hand me the gun and I'll see you on the flip side. I don't think she really knows that even today...as crappy as I was , I was still able to manage to hide some of my emotions...but Lord knows I was ready.
Anyway, with this detailed revalation being explained to me for the first time in over two years how everything went down....many emotions and thoughts came rushing to the surface I had no intention of revisting. I was just watching television.
I'm not sure how it progressed next....I really don't, but before I knew it I was told that I haven't moved on, at least not 100% and I need to let go. Well, yes.....my wife is right...I need to let go. But as I tried to explain it is hard, I have tried my best. It affected my life immensely. I was on unemployment and had to settle for a job that paid $18K less at the time and work for a very lazy person to make sure we could keep our house. I had to forego replacing my car of 10 years which was falling apart. I was also holding in the back of my brain that I was never going to have a child because my wife thought I would be too fragile and I was already damaged goods. All this and knowing again I was let go with no sense of closure and the people that I counted on were not honest with me for political reasons.
My wife then said: "Welcome to the real world. Get over it. Let go. Move on."
Easier said than done. I explained that I have tried to let go. I explained that I pray about this even today that the Lord soften my heart and teach me forgivness. The words from her mouth were more hurtful: "I don't believe you....If you prayed about this as serious as you say, then you should be over it. You are a hypocrite. You try and witness to others and explain things to them, but you are guilty of not letting go. Why should people take you seriously?"
I was already emotionally distraught, but her words (and I'm paraphrasing) pierced through every facet of my being. And I cannot deny there is some ring of truth in her words. But I knew that already....I tell her I pray everyday because I recognize that I am not 100% 'over it'. I pray because I know my heart is still hard in areas. I am human, and unworthy, and a sinner....and I always will be.
I try and go to church, and read the Word, and pray continously. We do not go to church together as I was told last night that she doesn't need to. "Why do I need to go to church 90 minutes on Sunday with you? Who says I don't have my own relationship with God and honor him in my own way?"...Well, she's right....I don't know what is in her heart of hearts, but I think going to church 90 minutes a week, at the very least, is a sign of service and obedience and honor to Him. Perhaps I don't undertand why 90 minutes once a week is so hard for her, when she goes out 4 hours every Monday with her local sports league, or any other function that includes socializing and alcohol. I know I am being very judgemental here, something I need to work on. But I worry for her as a huband should in the Word and Holy Spirit. I see a person myself who is in denial of God's grace and mercy, who'd rather put the world first than al else before the Creator.
But I am a hypocrite here. I still drink socially. I still can't let go of things like I should. I still judge when I should not. I allow myself to get angry over trivial matters. I swear. I'm a sinner and there's a not a day that goes by that I am full aware of this.
I didn't sleep but maybe three hours last night. My eyes are puffy and raw. My jaw is sore from clenching it so tight last night. My anger is bubbling under the surface right now and I am taking long breathes to calm my spirit.
How and why do I continously go through these battles at home? I so strive to take the high road, but Satan knows exactly how to push my buttons and get under my skin, and I get suckered into saying things I regret in the heat of the moment...and all it does is widen the gap between my wife and myself. There are days I entertain the idea of being single, but to divorce is to admit failure and break a covenant with God and His view on marriage.
I am not happy right now. I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I am frustrated. I am broken hearted.
I don't even know where to begin in this, and my prayers throughout the evening and this morning have been distracted by negative emotions and tears and a literal deafness to the world around me right now.
It wasn't to long ago in a previous entry I quipped that one of the most frustrating and hurtful things in my life is when my marriage seems to be going well, and then the inevitable other shoe drops that I keep trying to stave off for as long as I can. Well, last night that shoe dropped on me when I wasn't expecting it and opened a can of worms in my house that now when I look in the mirror this morning I am reminded just how fragile I am and I wonder where God's strength is.
My wife came home from another late night out with some co-workers of hers and out fo the blue made mention that I need to make up with my former manager....one who let me go from my job of ten years ago and was the ising on the cake of my emotional state of being. It was explained to me, finally after two years, the reason my job was eliminated was that I was a scapegoat and the sacraficial lamb for a situation there that was never really explained to me. My wife went on to detail how three managers had come to the conclusion, although two of them knew it was wrong on a moral plane, the political landscape of the company of that time had these people send me down the river with out the paddle, or explanation. In short, my termination was totally political.
I harbored a lot of bitterness and anger in those early days because I guess I knew in the bottom of my heart something was 'fishy'....something didn't add up....but no one....I mean no one came clean and told me the truth so admittedly I never had closure.
It was both a blessing and a burden at the same time. The blessing I suppose is that God eventually took care of me and gave me a new job with less stress and it also helped me to rediscover him as well....a relationship I had been taking for granted and still wlaking the way of the world. The burden it was the straw that broke the camels back in many aspects of my life. I needed my anti-depression medicine and anxiety pills more than ever. My emotions were stripped down to I often wonder how I woke up some mornings. My drinking increased. My anger and biterness increased. I could snap at any moment. I was during these times that my wife hurt me as well emotionally with words: "I don't want to bring a child into the world when you're broken and you want be a good father. You need to seek counseling." But she would not go with me. I felt as if I were on an island by myself and even my wife was standing across the ocean offering very little constructive support or advice. Yes, we even debate that today....she believes in her heart she was supportive and maybe she was in her best capacity....but if that's the type of support that was offered, I figured why not just hand me the gun and I'll see you on the flip side. I don't think she really knows that even today...as crappy as I was , I was still able to manage to hide some of my emotions...but Lord knows I was ready.
Anyway, with this detailed revalation being explained to me for the first time in over two years how everything went down....many emotions and thoughts came rushing to the surface I had no intention of revisting. I was just watching television.
I'm not sure how it progressed next....I really don't, but before I knew it I was told that I haven't moved on, at least not 100% and I need to let go. Well, yes.....my wife is right...I need to let go. But as I tried to explain it is hard, I have tried my best. It affected my life immensely. I was on unemployment and had to settle for a job that paid $18K less at the time and work for a very lazy person to make sure we could keep our house. I had to forego replacing my car of 10 years which was falling apart. I was also holding in the back of my brain that I was never going to have a child because my wife thought I would be too fragile and I was already damaged goods. All this and knowing again I was let go with no sense of closure and the people that I counted on were not honest with me for political reasons.
My wife then said: "Welcome to the real world. Get over it. Let go. Move on."
Easier said than done. I explained that I have tried to let go. I explained that I pray about this even today that the Lord soften my heart and teach me forgivness. The words from her mouth were more hurtful: "I don't believe you....If you prayed about this as serious as you say, then you should be over it. You are a hypocrite. You try and witness to others and explain things to them, but you are guilty of not letting go. Why should people take you seriously?"
I was already emotionally distraught, but her words (and I'm paraphrasing) pierced through every facet of my being. And I cannot deny there is some ring of truth in her words. But I knew that already....I tell her I pray everyday because I recognize that I am not 100% 'over it'. I pray because I know my heart is still hard in areas. I am human, and unworthy, and a sinner....and I always will be.
I try and go to church, and read the Word, and pray continously. We do not go to church together as I was told last night that she doesn't need to. "Why do I need to go to church 90 minutes on Sunday with you? Who says I don't have my own relationship with God and honor him in my own way?"...Well, she's right....I don't know what is in her heart of hearts, but I think going to church 90 minutes a week, at the very least, is a sign of service and obedience and honor to Him. Perhaps I don't undertand why 90 minutes once a week is so hard for her, when she goes out 4 hours every Monday with her local sports league, or any other function that includes socializing and alcohol. I know I am being very judgemental here, something I need to work on. But I worry for her as a huband should in the Word and Holy Spirit. I see a person myself who is in denial of God's grace and mercy, who'd rather put the world first than al else before the Creator.
But I am a hypocrite here. I still drink socially. I still can't let go of things like I should. I still judge when I should not. I allow myself to get angry over trivial matters. I swear. I'm a sinner and there's a not a day that goes by that I am full aware of this.
I didn't sleep but maybe three hours last night. My eyes are puffy and raw. My jaw is sore from clenching it so tight last night. My anger is bubbling under the surface right now and I am taking long breathes to calm my spirit.
How and why do I continously go through these battles at home? I so strive to take the high road, but Satan knows exactly how to push my buttons and get under my skin, and I get suckered into saying things I regret in the heat of the moment...and all it does is widen the gap between my wife and myself. There are days I entertain the idea of being single, but to divorce is to admit failure and break a covenant with God and His view on marriage.
I am not happy right now. I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I am frustrated. I am broken hearted.
April 15, 2008
Ability vs Availability
"Your ability is one thing. Your availabilty is another."
Wow.
I heard this the other day and I got 'it'. I can't say I practicde 'it', but I understand 'it'.
What followed that quote was an explanation that it wasn't meant to be said as a 'rub-in' or instill guilt in anyone. But as soon as that was said, of course a yellow flag goes up in my own head and I feel guilty.
I'm not exactly sure why.
I used to be more of an extrovert when I was younger. I was president of my fraternity in college my senior year. I was on Greek council as well. I had tons of friends and, well, I guess my share of girlfriends as well. However, the last few years I've been more of an introvert. I began judging myself and unfortunately others and that probably wasn't always fair. I wasn't condeming them per-se, more so I wanted to avaoid certain behaviors that no longer seemed attractive to me. Maybe I matured in a different way and I became a self imposed outcast. I didn't care to go out bar hopping anymore, or picking up girls, or doing stupid things. It wasn't because I was better than them, but more like "Why do I need to drive 20 miles to go to a bar and spend a lot of money to drink, when I can get blasted at home much cheaper and not deal with anyone?" Yeah, maybe that was the depression talking. I didn't need anyone then...or so I thought, albeit for the wrong reasonings.
So I am trying to become more social today. While no one, even myself, really wants to be alone...I am accustomed to it and it doesn't bother me the way it bothers other people.
My challenge today, and I guess I've recognized it within myself for a bit now, is to try an re-integrate myself into groups of quality friends. I seek quality fun and quality conversations...and I ask God to help provide that, but I realize I have to make an effort as well.
A challenge presented to me was this quote...."Ability is one thing. Availability is another." God asks that we serve others. Many people don't serve the way He would like us to because we either think: 1) we aren't worthy, 2) we don't have the talents or abilities, or 3) our priorities are wrong because we are a vain and egotistcal species.
I know I have a lot of abilities and talents. I also recognize that God gave me these talents and abilities....but I don't use them they way He intended or use them at all. Why? Well, I guess I've been scared. Scared of interaction with others and judgement directed back towards me. I haven't put any feet forward to help others overtly. I'm the guy who sits in the back and tithes respectfully. I do the silent auctions. I'll clean up if no one else is around...but don't put me in the spotlight.
Part of it has been my disdain for people as people as well. I donate to animal groups. I help dogs and cats. I get much more of a personal blessing and satisfaction from helping one of God's creatures than I do for other men. Yeah, I know that sounds warped....It reads even more warped as I type it out here. And shameful.
It is really important to me that animals are present in heaven. I hope that Jesus sees fit that I am to shepard and take care of his animals there some day. Sometimes my vision of heaven for me is a big empty field filled with a beautiful blue sky, clear water, billowy clouds, a pretty sunset and surrounded by hundreds of dogs and other animals playing with each other as if there is no care left in the world.
I tell my wife someday, I'd like to retire somewhere in the midwest or somewhere far from the big city and just take care of animals. I have no plans on becoming a vet. I just feel the unconditional love and peace from animals that you cannot receive from people.
I want to make myself more 'available' to others and re-establish myself in social circles and be okay with it.
God, please give me the strength to do this in Your name and give You honor and calm my restless spirit and give me the courage to help others as You would like me to do.
Wow.
I heard this the other day and I got 'it'. I can't say I practicde 'it', but I understand 'it'.
What followed that quote was an explanation that it wasn't meant to be said as a 'rub-in' or instill guilt in anyone. But as soon as that was said, of course a yellow flag goes up in my own head and I feel guilty.
I'm not exactly sure why.
I used to be more of an extrovert when I was younger. I was president of my fraternity in college my senior year. I was on Greek council as well. I had tons of friends and, well, I guess my share of girlfriends as well. However, the last few years I've been more of an introvert. I began judging myself and unfortunately others and that probably wasn't always fair. I wasn't condeming them per-se, more so I wanted to avaoid certain behaviors that no longer seemed attractive to me. Maybe I matured in a different way and I became a self imposed outcast. I didn't care to go out bar hopping anymore, or picking up girls, or doing stupid things. It wasn't because I was better than them, but more like "Why do I need to drive 20 miles to go to a bar and spend a lot of money to drink, when I can get blasted at home much cheaper and not deal with anyone?" Yeah, maybe that was the depression talking. I didn't need anyone then...or so I thought, albeit for the wrong reasonings.
So I am trying to become more social today. While no one, even myself, really wants to be alone...I am accustomed to it and it doesn't bother me the way it bothers other people.
My challenge today, and I guess I've recognized it within myself for a bit now, is to try an re-integrate myself into groups of quality friends. I seek quality fun and quality conversations...and I ask God to help provide that, but I realize I have to make an effort as well.
A challenge presented to me was this quote...."Ability is one thing. Availability is another." God asks that we serve others. Many people don't serve the way He would like us to because we either think: 1) we aren't worthy, 2) we don't have the talents or abilities, or 3) our priorities are wrong because we are a vain and egotistcal species.
I know I have a lot of abilities and talents. I also recognize that God gave me these talents and abilities....but I don't use them they way He intended or use them at all. Why? Well, I guess I've been scared. Scared of interaction with others and judgement directed back towards me. I haven't put any feet forward to help others overtly. I'm the guy who sits in the back and tithes respectfully. I do the silent auctions. I'll clean up if no one else is around...but don't put me in the spotlight.
Part of it has been my disdain for people as people as well. I donate to animal groups. I help dogs and cats. I get much more of a personal blessing and satisfaction from helping one of God's creatures than I do for other men. Yeah, I know that sounds warped....It reads even more warped as I type it out here. And shameful.
It is really important to me that animals are present in heaven. I hope that Jesus sees fit that I am to shepard and take care of his animals there some day. Sometimes my vision of heaven for me is a big empty field filled with a beautiful blue sky, clear water, billowy clouds, a pretty sunset and surrounded by hundreds of dogs and other animals playing with each other as if there is no care left in the world.
I tell my wife someday, I'd like to retire somewhere in the midwest or somewhere far from the big city and just take care of animals. I have no plans on becoming a vet. I just feel the unconditional love and peace from animals that you cannot receive from people.
I want to make myself more 'available' to others and re-establish myself in social circles and be okay with it.
God, please give me the strength to do this in Your name and give You honor and calm my restless spirit and give me the courage to help others as You would like me to do.
April 09, 2008
Evil behavior in youth.
"Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34)
I was, and still am greatly disturbed by a story I've been reading on the Internet which involves approximately 6 cheerleaders and possibly other children ranging from ages 14 to 18 years of age in which they beat another 16 year old Victoria Lindsay to the verge of death, and videotapes the incident only to proudly display it on YouTube and MySpace.
A very brief synopsis is given here, but I'm sure can be found elsewhere for the news savvy.
I cannot say how much I detest MySpace to begin with. Every time I hear or read a story that involves one of these 'social networking' sites, nothing ever comes out in a positive manner. Whether it be pedophiles, kidnappings, or beat downs it just seems so animalistic and out of touch with reality in how it is being used. What possible social benefit can come out of these sites is beyond me.
I try an monitor my step-daughters account where and when I can, and while she does not appear to be abusing it, it does tend to ratchet up her immaturity level and sometimes I am even dumbfounded about any lack of substantive talk that goes on and can see how dangerous behavior and idle talk can be escalated and misinterpreted.
But I solely don't blame the sites. Yes, I think they share some burden. Videos like this not only be summarily taken down when discovered and not tolerated as acceptable content, but I think MySpace, YouTube, Facebook, etc. have an obligation to not only work with authorities, but also contact them in any case which involves a minor.
But I digress from my original thoughts.
Where are we as a people and a culture anymore? When did everything that seemed taboo and so reprehensible to past generations become an acceptable and prideful practice today? Are the kids old enough to have their conscious dictate their spirit? Where are the parents of these kids and how did they fall so far off the rails? Did the rails of our own moral compasses actually shift that much the last few years?
This story deeply saddens me, and its articles like this that I have to wonder if God deemed it better for me not to have a biological child of my own because of the heartache incidents like this could cause. Indeed, its behavior so out of control and despicable to its core that I'm glad I don't have children for fear of what may happen, by my own fault or the interference and influence of this world.
I've blogged it here before, and I'll say it again....this is yet another example on why I am so upset with most people in general for we are a lost cause without His grace, His mercy and His forgiveness. This is why I devote my energies towards animals, because we are just so darn corruptible, vain, selfish, evil,.....sinners. Thank goodness we have a loving God and Father who knows the condition of a heart and soul and can look beyond our mindless deeds if only we show repentance and acknowledge how far we have stooped down.
I write this not to condemn us, not to make you feel guilty, not to make you feel unworthy. I write this because I am in utter awe at the brazenness, acceptance, prideful badges these children wear in almost causing another child's death...over what? Some text messaging and some trash talking that got out of hand? What ever happened to walking away, being a bigger person, forgive and forget? No, we are a society of vengeance and revenge and spite and bitterness and our goal is to get even and let everyone know about it. This is the way of Satan....everyone for themselves, power in numbers, conquer and humiliate.
Jesus, Father......please, please....minister to the hearts of all these children before their path is set and it is too late. Forgive them, for they clearly do not know what they do.
I was, and still am greatly disturbed by a story I've been reading on the Internet which involves approximately 6 cheerleaders and possibly other children ranging from ages 14 to 18 years of age in which they beat another 16 year old Victoria Lindsay to the verge of death, and videotapes the incident only to proudly display it on YouTube and MySpace.
A very brief synopsis is given here, but I'm sure can be found elsewhere for the news savvy.
I cannot say how much I detest MySpace to begin with. Every time I hear or read a story that involves one of these 'social networking' sites, nothing ever comes out in a positive manner. Whether it be pedophiles, kidnappings, or beat downs it just seems so animalistic and out of touch with reality in how it is being used. What possible social benefit can come out of these sites is beyond me.
I try an monitor my step-daughters account where and when I can, and while she does not appear to be abusing it, it does tend to ratchet up her immaturity level and sometimes I am even dumbfounded about any lack of substantive talk that goes on and can see how dangerous behavior and idle talk can be escalated and misinterpreted.
But I solely don't blame the sites. Yes, I think they share some burden. Videos like this not only be summarily taken down when discovered and not tolerated as acceptable content, but I think MySpace, YouTube, Facebook, etc. have an obligation to not only work with authorities, but also contact them in any case which involves a minor.
But I digress from my original thoughts.
Where are we as a people and a culture anymore? When did everything that seemed taboo and so reprehensible to past generations become an acceptable and prideful practice today? Are the kids old enough to have their conscious dictate their spirit? Where are the parents of these kids and how did they fall so far off the rails? Did the rails of our own moral compasses actually shift that much the last few years?
This story deeply saddens me, and its articles like this that I have to wonder if God deemed it better for me not to have a biological child of my own because of the heartache incidents like this could cause. Indeed, its behavior so out of control and despicable to its core that I'm glad I don't have children for fear of what may happen, by my own fault or the interference and influence of this world.
I've blogged it here before, and I'll say it again....this is yet another example on why I am so upset with most people in general for we are a lost cause without His grace, His mercy and His forgiveness. This is why I devote my energies towards animals, because we are just so darn corruptible, vain, selfish, evil,.....sinners. Thank goodness we have a loving God and Father who knows the condition of a heart and soul and can look beyond our mindless deeds if only we show repentance and acknowledge how far we have stooped down.
I write this not to condemn us, not to make you feel guilty, not to make you feel unworthy. I write this because I am in utter awe at the brazenness, acceptance, prideful badges these children wear in almost causing another child's death...over what? Some text messaging and some trash talking that got out of hand? What ever happened to walking away, being a bigger person, forgive and forget? No, we are a society of vengeance and revenge and spite and bitterness and our goal is to get even and let everyone know about it. This is the way of Satan....everyone for themselves, power in numbers, conquer and humiliate.
Jesus, Father......please, please....minister to the hearts of all these children before their path is set and it is too late. Forgive them, for they clearly do not know what they do.
April 07, 2008
ADHD—or Is It Trauma?
I found this article on MSN today.
I found it pretty darn interesting and tried to apply some of the theories discussed to my own youtful past. However, I cannot make a correlation with a traumatic event as described in the article and my own behaviors.
I remember when that very first academic type shrink sat across from me and told me I had adult ADD after spending a mere 10 minutes with me. While that first meeting has already been about 4 years ago, his verbal diagnosis to me feels like it was just the other day.
"You know, since you've been in my office....you haven't stopped talking...and looking around restlessly."
Well yeah....I'm embarrassed to be here, not exactly why I am here other than my wife demanding it, I don't really know much about your profession or my surroundings, and I'm sick and tired of crying for no real reason or having panic attacks anywhere, anytime. Remember, you just asked me a question on how I was feeling......Well, I'm answering you....albeit in detail.
That's just me. I am a very detailed person. One of my pet peeves in life is vagueness, especially in the work place. I work in a technical field. Exactness is a requirement. Guesswork, shortcuts, and lack of information or decision making results in an incomplete or non-functioning environment. If you want me to fix it, or install it, I need to know the 'details' of how you want it done (where, when, how, etc.).
Anyway, I read this article and look back at my childhood. I did not suffer from physcial abuse. I was never around violence or drugs. My dad enjoyed his beer, but wasn't a classic 'drunk'. Maybe my mom was a bit over protective. Scratch that. She was indeed over-protective to a fault, and sadly perhaps I do occassionaly hold that against here.
There were times I was indeed very lonely as a kid. That's why I read so much and was so creative. But my parents, moreso my mom, really did try and provide eveything for me, including love.
I'll be honest. I'm not sure where and when thinsg starting going south at first. I suppose standing at God's vantage point and looking down there may have been a point on the continuum which is my life when I first began to change. Was it a chemical change? A hormonal change? something I saw? Dreamt? Did I just begin to perceive things differently? I have no idea.
I found it pretty darn interesting and tried to apply some of the theories discussed to my own youtful past. However, I cannot make a correlation with a traumatic event as described in the article and my own behaviors.
I remember when that very first academic type shrink sat across from me and told me I had adult ADD after spending a mere 10 minutes with me. While that first meeting has already been about 4 years ago, his verbal diagnosis to me feels like it was just the other day.
"You know, since you've been in my office....you haven't stopped talking...and looking around restlessly."
Well yeah....I'm embarrassed to be here, not exactly why I am here other than my wife demanding it, I don't really know much about your profession or my surroundings, and I'm sick and tired of crying for no real reason or having panic attacks anywhere, anytime. Remember, you just asked me a question on how I was feeling......Well, I'm answering you....albeit in detail.
That's just me. I am a very detailed person. One of my pet peeves in life is vagueness, especially in the work place. I work in a technical field. Exactness is a requirement. Guesswork, shortcuts, and lack of information or decision making results in an incomplete or non-functioning environment. If you want me to fix it, or install it, I need to know the 'details' of how you want it done (where, when, how, etc.).
Anyway, I read this article and look back at my childhood. I did not suffer from physcial abuse. I was never around violence or drugs. My dad enjoyed his beer, but wasn't a classic 'drunk'. Maybe my mom was a bit over protective. Scratch that. She was indeed over-protective to a fault, and sadly perhaps I do occassionaly hold that against here.
There were times I was indeed very lonely as a kid. That's why I read so much and was so creative. But my parents, moreso my mom, really did try and provide eveything for me, including love.
I'll be honest. I'm not sure where and when thinsg starting going south at first. I suppose standing at God's vantage point and looking down there may have been a point on the continuum which is my life when I first began to change. Was it a chemical change? A hormonal change? something I saw? Dreamt? Did I just begin to perceive things differently? I have no idea.
April 03, 2008
Micahel Sewell revisited
I recently had the fortunate blessing of watching yet another Michael Sewell play, "Heart In a Box" and I was just as moved and impressed as I was when I first stumbled upon him by accident last year as a production at my church.
"Heart In a Box" is based on Mr. Sewell's own personal true life experiences and take the audience through his journeys of wild depression and how he got there to his attempts at suicide and finally the release of his burdens through the teachings of Christ and a new beginning at life.
I am in awe at the powerful, powerful message and I urge anyone who ever has a chance to see this 60-70 minute one man play to go out of your way and attend. I was very fortunate to have convinced my wife to attend as well, and I believe she enjoyed it though we didn't discuss it much afterwards.
Everyone can identify with a portion of the play with their own lives. I imagine in some cases some people can identify a lot more or closer to the material presented than others, or at the very least hopefully understand 'issues' that they may witness in loved ones or friends.
As much as I tried to be strong during the play, I did enivetably cry tears of self-conviction and remorse. While my own personal journey may have not as been as intense as Mr. Sewells, there are for me some very close parallels that I still cannot explain why Christ would show me mercy and forgiveness especially when I don't deserve it. I think my wife was silent because she could recognize some of those life struggles taking place within me, and maybe, just maybe there was an example in there that may have even applied to her to silently reflect on her own life's journey.
I'm sorry if I offend any Catholics reading this, but one thing as being raised as a former Catholic at a young age...the feelings of guilt are legendary and decades later I have problems shaking those base feelings that were indoctrinated at such an impressionable age. No, not all Catholics are like this, and there are plenty that do indeed know the Word and the Son for who they are, but self-inflicted guilt in the Catholic teachings can be gripping and crippling to some.
Earlier in the week I felt it was important to invite my neighbors to the play as well. I knocked on the door and spoke with the wife who is a self proclaimed aethiest. Her husband in a non-practicing believer who was sleeping at the time due to his wonky work schedule. I do pray for them on a regular basis. They are both nice and good people and have invited us over to their home and shared with us many a BBQ over the years and I hope that continues.
I let her know the play was free, no obligations, no strings attached, and religion would not be forced down their throats. "Look at it as a one man play that's over in an hour". She thanked me for the invitation and said she would get back to me later in the week.
I haven't heard from them since.
Needless to say I am a little saddened by this, and I don't want to push. All I can do is offer and pray and continue to try in the future.
Otherwise, I'd like to think my prayers, and hopefully yours for me are starting to work as well. My wife and my mother finally spoke this last week...which I suppose is a start. And I am happy to report my wife and I have been getting along very swimmingly this past week. She has been very nice and very cordial towards me, and very generous and giving as well.
These actions are appreciated, and I make it a point to let her know I am thankful. I thank her for the dinners she has been making, the work she has been doing, etc. I pray this continous as I enjoy this side of our relationship and her moreso than I do the other side that sends me in my emotional tizzies.
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