Admittedly, yesterday's post kinda took on a tangential life of it's own so when I thought it was appropriate, I ended yesterday's musings to allow myself to regroup.
So about my growth, or what I perceive as my growth and continuing growth:
Small things used to bother me. Trivial things used to bother me. However, at the time I didn't realize or notice how small or trivial those things actually were until something larger happened and raised the bar.
Every one's bar or threshold is different as well. A 'big' deal to one person may be a speck on someone else's radar. When my ex-wife and I would have a disagreement, and she'd give me the silent treatment and I'd go sulk or pout in the corner over a bounced check with a $20 dollar penalty, it didn't take long before I turned on the TV to see someone in the Midwest just lost their entire home due to a tornado, or a wild fire in California just devastated a community, or someone got shot in high school.
On yet even a bigger stage, people in Rwanda are victims of genocide, Hamas is shooting RPGs at Israel, a whole class of students drown in a capsized ferry somewhere in Asia.
I look at these world problems and all of a sudden, my issues seem pale in comparison. I like to think of this as my airplane view. When I am standing on the ground, things placed in front of me take up my vision and seem big....but as I ascend to higher heights, I begin to see more. The objects that obstructed my view are now smaller. As my mental capacity and it's thoughts reach a cruising altitude of 30K feet, then everything looks small from that perspective:.....the petty arguments, the name calling, the bounced checks, and everything in between....yes, they all suck....but how I choose to react to them now when compared to much larger issues makes me aware of how much useless and wasted energy I spent trying to get even, prove my point, assert my dominance, etc.
I wasn't forgiving...I was bottling all this stuff up inside...letting it gnaw at me from the inside....gnaw on my heart, gnaw on my thoughts, gnaw on my emotions.
And for what? She still left.
Yes, I lost a lot. But she lost more. And removing my marriage and my anger and my bitterness from my own equation, there are people out there that lost, and continue to lose, a helluva lot more than I ever will.
I still get angry from time to time. But I know I am growing because I don't get as angry as often. I already know in my heart that I tried the best I could.....that I put up the best fight I could to save my marriage...but this person, despite all the advice so many people gave her, her heart was already hardened and stubborn and prideful and incapable of both taking responsibility of her actions or admitting she was wrong.
I no longer feel the need to scream at her. I no longer feel the need to 'get even'. I don't feel the need to correct the neighbors or set the record straight. I *try* not to waste my idle thoughts and energy on her anymore.
Instead, I pray for her.
I forgive her.....
Forgiving her is different from accepting the behavior. Forgiving her is different from wanting to associate with her..or liking her.
Jesus even told us that we should love our enemies. Notice he still used the word *enemy*.
She is far from my *enemy*...she's just a very lost person with something to prove to somebody and I just decided I wasn't going to be a doormat any longer.
Once I came to terms with how life altering this was for me, and took me as long as it did to recover (2 years and still counting), I noticed something else began to change in me as well....
....The letting go and forgiveness of other things in my life now. Things don't stick with me as much as they used to. Grudge's no longer have *much* of a meaning to me these days. When certain thoughts come into my head, I am able to channel or in some cases tune that 'noise' out now....and I feel better. I sleep better. I take into account things that are in fact more important to me (true friends, family, God). I don't wish to spend anymore wasted energy on negative things...so simply stated....I don't.
Am I cured? Am I skipping down the street singing songs and smelling all the flowers? No. It is a journey and there will be occasional obstacles and setbacks, but now I am starting to realize that 'forgiveness' is a pretty handy all-in-tool that can help build bridges to get over those humps.
May 13, 2014
May 12, 2014
Growing (Part I)
Hopefully this post doesn't come across as conceited or pompous...it isn't intended to be...but I can understand how some readers may possibly think it, but bare with me.
I've had a recurring theme taking up residence within my head the last few weeks, and for years while the mere definition of this word seemed murky, the particulates of minutiae are finally starting to dissipate and/or settle, and my outlook on many things seem a bit more clearer for me today.
That word: Forgiveness.
As children, and throughout most of our lives I think most of us can agree that we were told that the morally 'correct' thing to do when wronged is to "forgive and forget", to "turn the other cheek". We say that we do and extend our hands to those that may have wronged us to 'shake on it', but I think most of us can agree it was obligatory and mechanical, especially if our parents were watching. We really didn't me it, did we? It was more about getting out of that exact moment, to make those around us happy, and put on the facade that all was okay, but in reality we were still angry.
And if I'm to be honest here, that's exactly how it went for me. I say I 'forgave', cracked a forced smile, but deep down inside I was filled with spite and the raw emotion of anger and despisement. I knew when to keep my mouth shut, but deep down inside I was harboring some dark and ill fated thoughts...but I have come to realize that the only person I was actually harming at this point was myself.
Various verses on forgiveness:
Now it isn't easy. That is fact.
I'm not sitting here and saying that one can instantly snap their fingers and have all those negative memories, emotions, feelings, hurts, anger, and the like be erased from either recent or long standing memory.....but we can choose to ask God to strengthen and support us when our worldly thought begin to drift that way.
So lets talk about some physical and psychological side effects of not being able to forgive:
Now look at my list (and your own), again. Do any of these sound like something God wants us to experience on an ongoing basis? Are any of these side effects a positive result of His teachings and how He wants us to lead our lives?
If we are lucky, we may have a life span of 75-85 years. Why would you want to spend any of that time, or even shortening your already precious life by not being able to forgive?
It's not easy, and I assure you thoughts will pop into your head at the most random times and attempt to rob you of that moment. It has happened to me countless times. It has happened on my commute to and from work, it has happened in the shower, it has happened while I was on a date, it has even happened while I was sitting in church! And I can tell you, these thoughts can become crippling if we allow them to.
So the key in understanding forgiveness, at least for me, is how am I going to 'react to' or 'handle' these thoughts, not 'if', but 'when' they occur.
I have spent the last two years of my life in various degrees of despair, hurt, anger, and more when I came face to face to the disingenuous person in my life. I listened to various untruths told about me, exaggerations, and bait-and-switches. I lost friendships. I lost family. I lost sleep. I lost weight. I watched as both an unwilling observer and participant as the world I knew around me collapsed by another persons undoing and their selfish acts.
And now I am expected to forgive that person? Because it's the right thing to do? Are you kidding me?
No, He wasn't.
Because even though I was blinded by justifiable anger and the deep feelings of wanting to acquire retribution, He knows me (and us) better than we know ourselves. He knows that without forgiveness, I have the potential of spending the rest of my mortal life suffering from the various side effects I outlined above....and who wants to be around that person?
He forgave me for my transgressions past, present, and future...and since I wish to spend eternity with Him...in perfect peace, where there are no more tears, no more sorrow, no more death...then I need to start practicing my walk today, in the flesh. There are no second chances after I breathe my last breath here. Do I want to spend the next 20, 30, 40+ years in random fits of self-pity and anger like my grandfather did after his divorce? To never marry again? To never trust again?
No...God did not intend nor design us to live like that. We do so because this is a fallen world (by choice no less...thanks Eve..and Adam), and we must chose everyday how we are going to lead our lives, nit just for ourselves, but hopefully as examples to others for His glory.
To be continued....
I've had a recurring theme taking up residence within my head the last few weeks, and for years while the mere definition of this word seemed murky, the particulates of minutiae are finally starting to dissipate and/or settle, and my outlook on many things seem a bit more clearer for me today.
That word: Forgiveness.
As children, and throughout most of our lives I think most of us can agree that we were told that the morally 'correct' thing to do when wronged is to "forgive and forget", to "turn the other cheek". We say that we do and extend our hands to those that may have wronged us to 'shake on it', but I think most of us can agree it was obligatory and mechanical, especially if our parents were watching. We really didn't me it, did we? It was more about getting out of that exact moment, to make those around us happy, and put on the facade that all was okay, but in reality we were still angry.
And if I'm to be honest here, that's exactly how it went for me. I say I 'forgave', cracked a forced smile, but deep down inside I was filled with spite and the raw emotion of anger and despisement. I knew when to keep my mouth shut, but deep down inside I was harboring some dark and ill fated thoughts...but I have come to realize that the only person I was actually harming at this point was myself.
Various verses on forgiveness:
- If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins (Matt 6:14-15)
- You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. (Col. 3:13)
Now it isn't easy. That is fact.
I'm not sitting here and saying that one can instantly snap their fingers and have all those negative memories, emotions, feelings, hurts, anger, and the like be erased from either recent or long standing memory.....but we can choose to ask God to strengthen and support us when our worldly thought begin to drift that way.
So lets talk about some physical and psychological side effects of not being able to forgive:
- Loss of focus on the here and now if we are mired and consumed of righting wrongs.
- Tension, high blood pressure, insomnia, fatigue, stress and even physical pain as our muscles tighten up inside and chemicals are released from the brain that may affect our thought process.
- Lack of joy, happiness, mood swings, possibly even depression.
- Carrying around burdensome thoughts for years (i.e. baggage) that may get in the way of forming healthy and positive relations with others.
- Possible feelings of guilt.
Now look at my list (and your own), again. Do any of these sound like something God wants us to experience on an ongoing basis? Are any of these side effects a positive result of His teachings and how He wants us to lead our lives?
If we are lucky, we may have a life span of 75-85 years. Why would you want to spend any of that time, or even shortening your already precious life by not being able to forgive?
It's not easy, and I assure you thoughts will pop into your head at the most random times and attempt to rob you of that moment. It has happened to me countless times. It has happened on my commute to and from work, it has happened in the shower, it has happened while I was on a date, it has even happened while I was sitting in church! And I can tell you, these thoughts can become crippling if we allow them to.
So the key in understanding forgiveness, at least for me, is how am I going to 'react to' or 'handle' these thoughts, not 'if', but 'when' they occur.
I have spent the last two years of my life in various degrees of despair, hurt, anger, and more when I came face to face to the disingenuous person in my life. I listened to various untruths told about me, exaggerations, and bait-and-switches. I lost friendships. I lost family. I lost sleep. I lost weight. I watched as both an unwilling observer and participant as the world I knew around me collapsed by another persons undoing and their selfish acts.
And now I am expected to forgive that person? Because it's the right thing to do? Are you kidding me?
No, He wasn't.
Because even though I was blinded by justifiable anger and the deep feelings of wanting to acquire retribution, He knows me (and us) better than we know ourselves. He knows that without forgiveness, I have the potential of spending the rest of my mortal life suffering from the various side effects I outlined above....and who wants to be around that person?
He forgave me for my transgressions past, present, and future...and since I wish to spend eternity with Him...in perfect peace, where there are no more tears, no more sorrow, no more death...then I need to start practicing my walk today, in the flesh. There are no second chances after I breathe my last breath here. Do I want to spend the next 20, 30, 40+ years in random fits of self-pity and anger like my grandfather did after his divorce? To never marry again? To never trust again?
No...God did not intend nor design us to live like that. We do so because this is a fallen world (by choice no less...thanks Eve..and Adam), and we must chose everyday how we are going to lead our lives, nit just for ourselves, but hopefully as examples to others for His glory.
To be continued....
May 02, 2014
6 months
You often hear the phrase "Time flies, especially when you get older.", and it struck me particularly true the last few days.
I'm about to write my 6th alimony check to my ex, and I can't believe it's already been 6 months. That actually stuns me and I have caught myself a few times now over the past few days stopping myself in thought and then mentally counting backwards to February, 2013.
Wow. Where did these past 6 months go?
Seriously.
While in the midst of our seperation, it seemed to take forever. Each day seemed like two, each week seemed closer to a month, and I can recall begging the universe that this ordeal just needs to end already.
It had been quite a turbulent year, 2013, And the holidays and early part of 2014 wasn't the exact calm I was looking for either, although 'dramatic' events have receded to calmer shores. Oh, there is still crap....tomorrow is my grandfather's estate sale and we still have quite a bit to do to get his house redy for sale in the coming weeks. But for all intents and purposes, things don't seem to open up for me until July.
But even so, I still can't believe it's been six months.
I'm about to write my 6th alimony check to my ex, and I can't believe it's already been 6 months. That actually stuns me and I have caught myself a few times now over the past few days stopping myself in thought and then mentally counting backwards to February, 2013.
Wow. Where did these past 6 months go?
Seriously.
While in the midst of our seperation, it seemed to take forever. Each day seemed like two, each week seemed closer to a month, and I can recall begging the universe that this ordeal just needs to end already.
It had been quite a turbulent year, 2013, And the holidays and early part of 2014 wasn't the exact calm I was looking for either, although 'dramatic' events have receded to calmer shores. Oh, there is still crap....tomorrow is my grandfather's estate sale and we still have quite a bit to do to get his house redy for sale in the coming weeks. But for all intents and purposes, things don't seem to open up for me until July.
But even so, I still can't believe it's been six months.
May 01, 2014
The heat is on.
Boy it's hot today. We are going through an unseansonable heat wave right now. It's crazy hot for this time of year. It's literally 95 degrees outside and the air is still. It's even warmer at my house, since it's about 30 miles inland from here. Closer to 100. I feel for my dog, who is lying at home with a fresh bowl of water and hopefully inside.
Surprisingly, my allergies have not gone Richter on me. Usually when spring has sprung, there's a lot of pollen in the air, and I spend this time of year heavily medicated on Benedryl or Claritan. Now, it's just really dry, and I need to remind myself to use more lotion.
Last night, it was super windy, and although it was still hot, at least strong winds acted somewhat like a breeze so the air did not just sit. I came home and my room mate and I, (yes I have a room mate now) had a few cold beers and watched UFC and Survivor. He went to be bed at 9pm, and I followed suit at around 9:45.
I promptly fell asleep, but awoke at 3:45am with both my overhead ceiling fan and oscilating floor fan both on, and really couldn't fall back asleep. So, that's two night in a row that I've only averaged about 5 hours a sleep.
I'm feeling tad light headed now. Partly due to the heat, partly due to lack of sleep.
I have 2.5 hours of todays shift, and all day tomorrow to make it through as well. My GF wants to come over and spend time watching TV with me, (she been working additional hours this week, closer to 55) so I know she's not up for going out.
I have to get up early on Saturday and then meet my parents and my grandfathers house by 8am for an estate sale. That wraps up around noon, then I need to help my dad move furinture. Another weekend shot...not that I had anything planned anyway, but I do like to have my options open. Then next weekend is both Mother's Day and my father's birthday....so that weekend is shot too. And when I say 'shot', it's not out of disrespect to them, because I love them, but because it just seems that those days that should be my free time...are in fact...not my free time. I'm getting a little tired of that too.
My GF also hit me up to possibly install yet another cieleing fan in her house. I've already done two: one in her living room, and one in her daughters room. Now she wants her room done, and then most likely her other kids room as well.
Then there's my chores: laundry, vacuumimg, mopping, etc.
I have no energy and its too darn hot.
I also have some furniture to restore as well, and my job at work is going to be crazy the next two months.....and all the while, the temperature is gonna get hotter.
I think about how busy I've been as of late, and mostly out of my control, in the service to others.
As much as I may think that sucks,.....and it does at times...., it also keeps me from dwelling on other things I don't want to think about.
Or maybe because I'm too darn tired to want to think about those things anyway.
Suffice to say, I'm still off my meds, haven't spoke to my ex since I blocked her calls and texts a month ago, and getting through each day now okay....just without enough sleep.
Surprisingly, my allergies have not gone Richter on me. Usually when spring has sprung, there's a lot of pollen in the air, and I spend this time of year heavily medicated on Benedryl or Claritan. Now, it's just really dry, and I need to remind myself to use more lotion.
Last night, it was super windy, and although it was still hot, at least strong winds acted somewhat like a breeze so the air did not just sit. I came home and my room mate and I, (yes I have a room mate now) had a few cold beers and watched UFC and Survivor. He went to be bed at 9pm, and I followed suit at around 9:45.
I promptly fell asleep, but awoke at 3:45am with both my overhead ceiling fan and oscilating floor fan both on, and really couldn't fall back asleep. So, that's two night in a row that I've only averaged about 5 hours a sleep.
I'm feeling tad light headed now. Partly due to the heat, partly due to lack of sleep.
I have 2.5 hours of todays shift, and all day tomorrow to make it through as well. My GF wants to come over and spend time watching TV with me, (she been working additional hours this week, closer to 55) so I know she's not up for going out.
I have to get up early on Saturday and then meet my parents and my grandfathers house by 8am for an estate sale. That wraps up around noon, then I need to help my dad move furinture. Another weekend shot...not that I had anything planned anyway, but I do like to have my options open. Then next weekend is both Mother's Day and my father's birthday....so that weekend is shot too. And when I say 'shot', it's not out of disrespect to them, because I love them, but because it just seems that those days that should be my free time...are in fact...not my free time. I'm getting a little tired of that too.
My GF also hit me up to possibly install yet another cieleing fan in her house. I've already done two: one in her living room, and one in her daughters room. Now she wants her room done, and then most likely her other kids room as well.
Then there's my chores: laundry, vacuumimg, mopping, etc.
I have no energy and its too darn hot.
I also have some furniture to restore as well, and my job at work is going to be crazy the next two months.....and all the while, the temperature is gonna get hotter.
I think about how busy I've been as of late, and mostly out of my control, in the service to others.
As much as I may think that sucks,.....and it does at times...., it also keeps me from dwelling on other things I don't want to think about.
Or maybe because I'm too darn tired to want to think about those things anyway.
Suffice to say, I'm still off my meds, haven't spoke to my ex since I blocked her calls and texts a month ago, and getting through each day now okay....just without enough sleep.
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