Wed update

It just gets better and better.

While work was just as tedious and as long as ever in my current state of mind, I was able to focus a bit more, and with each day that goes by, I get a miniscule amount of courage, confidence, and able to digest just a fraction more of my life in its totality.

Each day I come home, it becomes more and more apparent from my wife's lack of action, input, discussion, etc., that she has dug in her heels and will not budge.

I asked her if she heard back from her 'out of state' interviews yet. She did tell me that she infact did (wonder when she was going to tell me). She did not get either job. In a way, I'll be honest....I was disapointed. It would have made my life and decision all that much easier. I don't want a part time wife, one that just leaves for a week and comes home on weekends and 'may' want to work on the marriage. I had already told my family and hers that if she did take the job out of state, I would not hesitate one second to file. So in that regard, it's back to complication.

Our taxes are ready to be picked up. I asked her if she can pick them up since she isn't doing anything. Her response: "No, you can pick them up." I'm not going to fight her. It's just more proof how stubborn she is and threw in the towel. So I will take a 1/2 day tomorrow to pick up the taxes.

This is the first year we owe. We owe approx $1500 this time, and it's all based on the fact she cashed in her 401K and rolled it over to an IRA...something I told her not to do, but she did anyway. She also borrowed $246 from me last week to get her car insurance. We still owe property taxes and she has approx $325 in credit card bills due on the 20th.

I asked her if she can contribute anything right now. She has money for bowling. She has money for beer. She has money for gas to drive out of state. She told me to get an extension of the taxes, that she'd give me back the $246 by Friday, and no response on the property taxes or CC bills.

I am not going down like that. If I don't receive any monies this weekend, I will go to the bank and remove my name from the joint account of ours. If she's going to start bouncing checks again, let that be on her. I can't cover everything and be treated like crap at the same time.

I also went to see my HR rep at work yesterday. I inquired about counseling. My HMO will cover 3 free sessions for a family member, and any session after that costs a office visit co-pay of $30. I offered that to my wife last night if she won't go to rehab. Yet another opportunity I am trying to share with her. She flat out rejected that and said "No."

I went to Al-Anon again last night. That was my 2nd meeting. Only half the people showed up from the first meeting. I shared again. I shared this past week. I started strong, but the last few minutes I broke down and cried. "Where is the woman I met 10 years and married 8.5 years ago? The person in my house is not her, and I miss her."

I came home at 9:15pm, took a shower, and crawled into my bed at 9:30 and watched TV for a half an hour before I fell asleep. The next thing I knew it was 3am this morning and my eyes popped open and I was up for the next two hours before I fell asleep again.

When I finally got up this morning at 6:30 I was feeling a little anxious. I weighed myself. I'm now 209.6lbs, another 2 lb loss since last week. I did not take a Xanax, but had a cup of coffee and prayed. I feel a bit better now, and slightly stronger, but that ebbs and flows throughout the days. 7 days from now I see a lawyer.

I forgive my wife. I love my wife, although I'm not quite sure why right now. But I am giving her chance, after chance, after chance to show me some sign. Some effort on her behalf that she wants to make any of this work.

Nothing.

So everyday that passes and I get no action, effort, or response from her just adds a little bit more resolve for me to file papers.

Al-Anon - my first meeting

I can honestly say, if you would have asked me some time back one of the last things on Earth I would ever expect myself to particpate in is any 12-step program, let alone based on the behaviors of someone else.

Last night was my 1st Al-Anon meeting.

For those that don't know, Al-Anon is a free support group based on the tennents of the AA 12-step program, but is geared for idviduals or family members that are dealing with an alcoholic or other substance abusive person in their lives.

Thankfully, by luck I found a meeting right in my very town, only a few miles from my house that runs 1.5 hours starting at 7:30pm.

I had only told my wife the day before that I was attending 'a meeting' at 'a' church. No, I did not disclose it was an Al-Anon meeting or name 'the' church. She thought something was fishy, and for the first time in weeks all of a sudden was interested in what I was doing. So much so, that she drove around town last night for 30 minutes, trying to 'catch' me, or 'stalk' me, or whatever you want to call it. Weird. The same person who tells me to leave her alone, ignores me, belittles me to the neighbors, verbally hostile towards me....all of a sudden has an interest on what I am doing. Paranoid? Maybe, but I don't care (at least last night I didn't), and I went and told her I would be home at 9pm.

I could tell you the wacky stunt she pulled, and the weird texts she sent me, but thats besides the point of this post. The fact is, I went to the meeting.

I wasn't sure what to expect. It was held in a small elementary classroom as part of the Episcopal church in town, and the majority of the group (there was about 11 of us) were first timers. I think there was only 3 (including the leader for the night) that were regulars.

I will be honest, the first 1/2 hour was kind of a waste for me. It was obligatory passage reading, the serenity prayer, announcements, etc I guess that happen at every meeting as a formal structure.

It was only the last hour in which people got to share. Being my first time, I wasn't expected to share, but I have nothing to lose and I already came here and made the decision to leave my house, so why not? I voluntered my story. So much has happened over the last few years, and especially these last few month, but I was able to keep it and hit the major point in roughly 7 minutes or so.

They asked me what I wanted out of this experience. I paused, took a few seconds to think about it, and this is what I came up with:

1. I want my health back. I don't want to lose weight via stress, have high blood pressure, be on Xanax, maintain my focus and mood.


2. I want my sleep back. I don't want to spend anymore sleepless nights wondering what the future may hold, feeling the anxiety keeping me up at nights, quieting my mind from all the scenarios I have no control over.


3. I want my spine back. This was the most important one to me. I explained that years ago I used to be a strong male figure. A leader. But over the course of this marriage (and not just because of alcohol), somehow, somewhere, someway, I lost my backbone and have become a doormat to the person I provide for. The love I have for my wife is not reciprocated nor appreciated no matter what I do and therefor I am torturing myself day-in and day-out. I want to wake up someday and say "NO....this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated anylonger." A voice I used to have, but don't have now.

A few others (not all) voluntered their own stories, and I was surprised how similar they sounded to mine. Just change a few names, a few dates, and both the men and women here of diffrent ages were living my life as well.

Some may say that in itself may be empowering, but I'm not so sure. The only thing it told me is that people of all ages have screwed up marriages rooted in addiction, and the behaviors are all the same. It didn't make me feel better, but just sad for all the others expereincing the same degree of pain (maybe more, maybe less) that I am. I really wanted to pray for one man in particular who couldn't have been much older than me, but has two young daughters at stake with a young wife that has been in and out of rehab for years now....and he hasn't left her. He cried in front of us, and I could really empathize. I got him tissues and during the break, I told him don't be embarrassed...I cry all the time, it just so happens last night I told him I was dehydrated and my tear bank was empty.

Overall, it was just about sharing. No one tried to solve anything for anybody. No one was giving legal advice, or choosing sides. It was a group of people that were in love with someone who can't love themselves and we can't understand why. At the end, it felt a little morose, but I left with my head held up high and took a deep breath and went home.

I didn't even get into the wacky antics my wife pulled only hours earlier....I didn't want to even address them. I just took my shower, got in my pajamas (it was cold) and went to bed.

Today is the first morning I got up after sleeping pretty decent that I did not feel the need to pop a Xanax. And now hours later, I still feel okay. I mean that could possibly change, but right now, at least at this instant...I feel 'Okay'.