James,
Thank you so much for your comments and sharing with me your personal struggles as well.
I hope you don't mind me making a post out of this, but I want to share something with you and everyone else today.
I haven't had much to write here the last two weeks or so. What initially starts as a random thought here at some random place which I want to express and share with you all, I can never seem to actually remember it when I finally sit down to a computer.
Strangely, the last day or two I have had a strong itch to write something, but I didn't know what. I also coulnd't explain this strong urge either. In conjuction with jumbled feelings these last two weeks, I have't had had the heart to go to church. Oh, deep down I know I should have gone, and even felt a twinge of guilt for not going, but I was justifying it by convincing myself "my heart is not in the right place, so it'll just be a waste of time."
Others would say this is indeed the exact right time to go so that perhaps the Holy Spirit can minister to a confused and unlistening heart. I dunno.
Needless to say, I was very happy and moved as well to read your comment, and believe that I was led here again today to receive it and to tell you you are not alone. James, I will pray for you in your struggles as they seem to mirror my own. Sometimes it is indeed better to talk to someone on the outside world, as I know speaking to my own wife and family about these topics can be frustrating and unfulfilling at times. I don't know how many times I thought I had the courage to say something to my wife, when in reality I didn't. I thought maybe because she'd really begin to think I was 'damaged', or it was a sign of weakness. That'd there's no way she'd ever understood no matter how often she nodded her head.
I do indeed believe times does heal wounds, and it is still an ongoing process. There are moments I see a complete and utter positive change in our relationship and think can be bliss for days on end, but then one stray comment or something else can throw all that out the window. You can surround yourself with loved ones and friends, and pills, and therapy.......but at least for myself the turn began when I finally came to terms that I was depressed and unhappy and not in control....a process in which I think you are going through now.
The next step for me was to take in stock that God and Christ never left me....I had left them...and only by re-allowing them into my heart (not an easy thing to do for many males), did I begin to have small break throughs.
Anyways,....again...thank you James for making my day...and please stop by again or feel free to write my direct e-mail if you so choose.
February 29, 2008
February 20, 2008
Frustration and Heaven
"Don't be troubled. You trust God, now trust in me. There are many rooms in my Father's home, and I am going to prepare a place for you. If this was not so, I would tell you plainly. When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am." (John 14: 1-3)
I have had a multitude of thoughts on various things lately (nightmares, lust, sin, love, marriage, death, unemployment), and unfortunately their themes seem to be more negative than positive as of late. I wonder if this is how I am wired. There are just some people you see in movies, cartoons, and moral stories which always seem to have cloud over their head of one degree or another. I know I've felt this way for a few years now, much more aware of negative or unpleasing situations/issues in God's eyes than positive ones, despite the amount of prayer I lift up to Him to unshackle my burdens.
I also come to the logical conclusion that I have yet to let go ov everything, and thus put 100% of my trust and faith into God no matter how many times I read the commandments to do so. As a human, I still want to control my own desinty, fix my own problems, to get myself out of my own messes. It's as if I need to work for my salvation....clearly man's flawed interpretation, not God's, because His mercy, forgivess, love, and salvation are gifts....free of charge...to all those that accept.
But I've been so indoctrinated from the worlds belief that "there is no such thing as a free lunch". Well, God says there is, and his deli is always open...it never closes and it is always stocked. But I stand before this deli, have my hand on the door, and I'm still worried about how much cash I have in my pocket.
Needless to say two main overlapping themes have been plaguing me the last few days: frustration and life in heaven. Oh, I assure you, these aren't my only thoughts. I have had plenty I could dwell on for days, but it seems these two are garnering the most attention in my frontal lobe.
First, there are both some very clear definitions of heaven, and some other descriptions which are maddeningly vague. Revaltions describes a new Heaven and a new Earth, a perfect square of 1,400 miles wide as it is deep. Streets of gold and twelve gates encrusted with pearls, and foundations made of pecious jems. Sadness and tears will be no more and evil vanquished. There is no night, we are to have new bodies, there will be no sea, and Jesus proclaims he is preparing a 'place' for eash of us.
But what exactly is this place? Is it a room? Is it an actual house? Dorm room? Condo? Will we share with our loved ones, or is each place meant for one singular being? If there is no night, then will we ever sleep or be tired in heaven? Personally, on occassion I do enjoy cuddling up in bed and staying warm, especially with my dog or a good book. Will these things be no more? I enjoy food and cooking and BBQ's, but in Heaven, will I eat and share meals with others?
Many theologians state that marriage does not exist in heaven either. So will I care if I see my wife there? How about any of my ex-girlfriends? Will I have intimacy in heaven as we have carnal relations here on earth? It's too mind boggling at times.
And finally it is described that a new Heaven will resemble a city. Will we have jobs in this city? Will I get frustrated and perhaps bored with my job?
This leads me to my second theme: frustration.
Today at my job, I was frustrated with the task at hand and with myself. A simple 5 minute job (if everything was in place) ended up being closer to an hour. I had to walk back and forth between the same two points multiple times because something was marked wrong and I had to double check the connections. On one trip I forgot my tools, so I had to go back and get them, then place them, then test again, then pick up my tools. I began to mutter under my breath at myself and at the person who incorrectly labeled things to begin with. And then I had to remind myself in my mounting frustration, that this is trivial overall and I should be thanking Jesus for providing me with a job to begin with. Despite the menial tasks and my escalting bitterness, I lost sight that I had a job, and Jesus tells me to do the best I can at what is provided to honor Him. Oh boy.
Then of course the logical progression of my thoughts turned to heaven again. If I have a job in heaven, will I too get frustrated if I forget a tool there? Can a carpenter in heaven accidentally smash his thumb? Can we make a mistake in our job and will these jobs ever be rewarding if there is no challenge?
Scientists say we only use about 10-15% of our brain. Imagine in heaven we use 100%? I can't comprehend this stuff.....which of course is frustrating in and of itself.
I have had a multitude of thoughts on various things lately (nightmares, lust, sin, love, marriage, death, unemployment), and unfortunately their themes seem to be more negative than positive as of late. I wonder if this is how I am wired. There are just some people you see in movies, cartoons, and moral stories which always seem to have cloud over their head of one degree or another. I know I've felt this way for a few years now, much more aware of negative or unpleasing situations/issues in God's eyes than positive ones, despite the amount of prayer I lift up to Him to unshackle my burdens.
I also come to the logical conclusion that I have yet to let go ov everything, and thus put 100% of my trust and faith into God no matter how many times I read the commandments to do so. As a human, I still want to control my own desinty, fix my own problems, to get myself out of my own messes. It's as if I need to work for my salvation....clearly man's flawed interpretation, not God's, because His mercy, forgivess, love, and salvation are gifts....free of charge...to all those that accept.
But I've been so indoctrinated from the worlds belief that "there is no such thing as a free lunch". Well, God says there is, and his deli is always open...it never closes and it is always stocked. But I stand before this deli, have my hand on the door, and I'm still worried about how much cash I have in my pocket.
Needless to say two main overlapping themes have been plaguing me the last few days: frustration and life in heaven. Oh, I assure you, these aren't my only thoughts. I have had plenty I could dwell on for days, but it seems these two are garnering the most attention in my frontal lobe.
First, there are both some very clear definitions of heaven, and some other descriptions which are maddeningly vague. Revaltions describes a new Heaven and a new Earth, a perfect square of 1,400 miles wide as it is deep. Streets of gold and twelve gates encrusted with pearls, and foundations made of pecious jems. Sadness and tears will be no more and evil vanquished. There is no night, we are to have new bodies, there will be no sea, and Jesus proclaims he is preparing a 'place' for eash of us.
But what exactly is this place? Is it a room? Is it an actual house? Dorm room? Condo? Will we share with our loved ones, or is each place meant for one singular being? If there is no night, then will we ever sleep or be tired in heaven? Personally, on occassion I do enjoy cuddling up in bed and staying warm, especially with my dog or a good book. Will these things be no more? I enjoy food and cooking and BBQ's, but in Heaven, will I eat and share meals with others?
Many theologians state that marriage does not exist in heaven either. So will I care if I see my wife there? How about any of my ex-girlfriends? Will I have intimacy in heaven as we have carnal relations here on earth? It's too mind boggling at times.
And finally it is described that a new Heaven will resemble a city. Will we have jobs in this city? Will I get frustrated and perhaps bored with my job?
This leads me to my second theme: frustration.
Today at my job, I was frustrated with the task at hand and with myself. A simple 5 minute job (if everything was in place) ended up being closer to an hour. I had to walk back and forth between the same two points multiple times because something was marked wrong and I had to double check the connections. On one trip I forgot my tools, so I had to go back and get them, then place them, then test again, then pick up my tools. I began to mutter under my breath at myself and at the person who incorrectly labeled things to begin with. And then I had to remind myself in my mounting frustration, that this is trivial overall and I should be thanking Jesus for providing me with a job to begin with. Despite the menial tasks and my escalting bitterness, I lost sight that I had a job, and Jesus tells me to do the best I can at what is provided to honor Him. Oh boy.
Then of course the logical progression of my thoughts turned to heaven again. If I have a job in heaven, will I too get frustrated if I forget a tool there? Can a carpenter in heaven accidentally smash his thumb? Can we make a mistake in our job and will these jobs ever be rewarding if there is no challenge?
Scientists say we only use about 10-15% of our brain. Imagine in heaven we use 100%? I can't comprehend this stuff.....which of course is frustrating in and of itself.
February 15, 2008
V-Day, 2008
Well, yesterday was just like any other day at our house. Maybe because we both work and my wife is on a very strict diet, we opted to stay home.
In the morning we exchanged a few gifts. I got a pair of novelty boxers I'll probably never wear (white with red hearts all over them), and I got my wife some boots and a gift card to download digital songs.
The person that made out the best was my dog. I bought him some toys, and my parents got him a designer leash, harness, and treats.
Actually, we didn't make a big deal out of Valentines Day because supposedly tomorrow my wife is going to surprise me. She is taking me somewhere overnight, and even right now I have no clue as to where. I'm trying to picture where we are going for 24 hours, and I have no idea. I just hope we don't have to drive too far, and also hope there is something to do. I am sure there will be, because I think my wife knows I wouldn't enjoy spending hours in a car to a destination that I'll be bored at despite her company.
I give her credit though. I do recognize the fact she planned this all by herself and took the reigns to plan it out...something she used to do when we were dating. I like surprises, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt right now, but I am a little leary of this 24 hour get-away.
I'm taking Monday off from work as well, as is she. We'll be cleaning out the garage, and I'm hoping that both of us will be able to seperate from some junk that is just taking up space, and I'll be happy if we can get at least agree on chucking 20-25% of what we have in storage.
Since I will be gon this weekend, that means no church on Sunday or men's group on Saturday. Part of me is kinda bummed, since last week my heart really wasn't into it. Maybe one more week will help recharge my thirst for spirituality?
In the morning we exchanged a few gifts. I got a pair of novelty boxers I'll probably never wear (white with red hearts all over them), and I got my wife some boots and a gift card to download digital songs.
The person that made out the best was my dog. I bought him some toys, and my parents got him a designer leash, harness, and treats.
Actually, we didn't make a big deal out of Valentines Day because supposedly tomorrow my wife is going to surprise me. She is taking me somewhere overnight, and even right now I have no clue as to where. I'm trying to picture where we are going for 24 hours, and I have no idea. I just hope we don't have to drive too far, and also hope there is something to do. I am sure there will be, because I think my wife knows I wouldn't enjoy spending hours in a car to a destination that I'll be bored at despite her company.
I give her credit though. I do recognize the fact she planned this all by herself and took the reigns to plan it out...something she used to do when we were dating. I like surprises, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt right now, but I am a little leary of this 24 hour get-away.
I'm taking Monday off from work as well, as is she. We'll be cleaning out the garage, and I'm hoping that both of us will be able to seperate from some junk that is just taking up space, and I'll be happy if we can get at least agree on chucking 20-25% of what we have in storage.
Since I will be gon this weekend, that means no church on Sunday or men's group on Saturday. Part of me is kinda bummed, since last week my heart really wasn't into it. Maybe one more week will help recharge my thirst for spirituality?
February 12, 2008
Dazed
That's how I feel today.
I just wrote my wife a long email and sent it to her. I hope she reads it with an understanding and open heart. Sometimes, I fear that when I open up, I'm not being the typical male and look like some complaining baby in her eyes. Yes, I'm a very sensitive male.
The last few days, the amount of sleep I've been getting is a little below average. I've also had that familair feeling of anxiety creeping up by the occassional tightness in my chest, but I don't know what is casuing it. My dreams have been a little darker lately too...not full blown nightmares, but nothing overly pleasant either.
Things at home have been going fairly well otherwise. My wife is doing very well on a diet. She's lost almost 18 lbs the last 4 weeks. In retrospect, I should be more outwardly supportive and complimentary, but I often forget.
Today is my step-daughters birthday....and I totally forgot. I should know better, and now I do have some guilt feelings over it. I wish my wife would have reminded me or at least gave me a card to sign. But that's not her fault. I should know better, which is yet just another reminder that my relationship with my step-daughter isn't where it should be from my perspective.
It's also another reminder that I don't have any of my own children, and while I am happy for my friends, I was reminded yesterday that they just had a baby and another friend of mine is actively trying with his wife. And we aren't. I wonder if that's because my wife still thinks I am not ready because of my mental state, because her lifestyle is changing a bit now, or she just gave up because of all the past difficulties we had conceiving in the past and she's beyond trying again, just to be let down.
I told my one friend the other day that I do hope I die before my wife when we get older...because I won't have anyone to look after me someday. I know this sounds like I'm rehashing the past, but I truly do feel I will die alone. And this saddens me and breaks my heart more than I can ever explain to my wife.
It doesn't help that its Valentines day this Thursday, and I'm drawing a complete and utter blank. The best I can do right now is buy a card for my wife and my parents, but all creativity that I was known for at one time seems gone. I can't think of any gift other than a cliche dinner and flowers which is soo typical and expected. There's no creativity in that, and yet when I look at my wife (or think of my parents)...nothing comes to mind. Nothing. And that makes me feel crappy as well.
I just wrote my wife a long email and sent it to her. I hope she reads it with an understanding and open heart. Sometimes, I fear that when I open up, I'm not being the typical male and look like some complaining baby in her eyes. Yes, I'm a very sensitive male.
The last few days, the amount of sleep I've been getting is a little below average. I've also had that familair feeling of anxiety creeping up by the occassional tightness in my chest, but I don't know what is casuing it. My dreams have been a little darker lately too...not full blown nightmares, but nothing overly pleasant either.
Things at home have been going fairly well otherwise. My wife is doing very well on a diet. She's lost almost 18 lbs the last 4 weeks. In retrospect, I should be more outwardly supportive and complimentary, but I often forget.
Today is my step-daughters birthday....and I totally forgot. I should know better, and now I do have some guilt feelings over it. I wish my wife would have reminded me or at least gave me a card to sign. But that's not her fault. I should know better, which is yet just another reminder that my relationship with my step-daughter isn't where it should be from my perspective.
It's also another reminder that I don't have any of my own children, and while I am happy for my friends, I was reminded yesterday that they just had a baby and another friend of mine is actively trying with his wife. And we aren't. I wonder if that's because my wife still thinks I am not ready because of my mental state, because her lifestyle is changing a bit now, or she just gave up because of all the past difficulties we had conceiving in the past and she's beyond trying again, just to be let down.
I told my one friend the other day that I do hope I die before my wife when we get older...because I won't have anyone to look after me someday. I know this sounds like I'm rehashing the past, but I truly do feel I will die alone. And this saddens me and breaks my heart more than I can ever explain to my wife.
It doesn't help that its Valentines day this Thursday, and I'm drawing a complete and utter blank. The best I can do right now is buy a card for my wife and my parents, but all creativity that I was known for at one time seems gone. I can't think of any gift other than a cliche dinner and flowers which is soo typical and expected. There's no creativity in that, and yet when I look at my wife (or think of my parents)...nothing comes to mind. Nothing. And that makes me feel crappy as well.
February 11, 2008
Anxiety returns
The last few days I feel a sense of foreboding looming over me, yet I cannot place a finger on any one marker.
I've been restless the past four days, especially in my own spirit and mind, and I haven't been praying about it with all much sincerity either which I am just realizing now.
Friday, a young woman passed away at my place of employment. She was in here mid 30's. That is the second person who has passed away here at that age in the last few months, and it really put a damper on my mood. I think i knew who she was...she worked within my own building, but I never really spoke with her, perhaps a brief 'Hello' in mere passing at best.
It's true. You just never know. You could be in excellent health with no visible signs when God decides your time on Earth is at its end. I don't know if she was a believer or not, but the news of her death affects me none-the-less. It makes me take stock into my acts and works and attitudes while I am here.
I drank Friday night. More than I probably should have. I had both whisky and vodka, and as a result had a restless night. Saturday morning I tried to study the bible, but again, my thoughts were distanced and scattered. I could not focus at all, and no messages was making itself known for me to glean.
I was tired and went to bed early Saturday, but to no avail. For as fatigued as both my body and mind seemed to be, my restless dreams woke me up numerous times thoughout the night. So much so, I made a selfish excuse not to go to church on Sunday. I do feel a tad guilty about that, but my heart really wasn't in it. And of course my sleep last night was just as restless. I tossed and I turned, never falling into a deep sleep. I was up a few times, and I has a slight paign in my chest. It felt like a cross between tension and the early stages of one of my panic attacks, but teh more I sat there to think about it, the more I couldn't think of one thing that was getting under my skin. I've been thinking about work lately, a bit more than I usually do, but I'm not sure enough to keep me up at night.
I prayed today while driving on my way to work. Here I am asking God to remove my anxiety, and yet I felt a certain conviction in my heart as to what a horrid person I can be with my thoughts. Memories of anger and bitterness from a couple of years back came to mind, and I wondered "Whe the heck am I thinking this right now?" I have no answer for that.
I've been restless the past four days, especially in my own spirit and mind, and I haven't been praying about it with all much sincerity either which I am just realizing now.
Friday, a young woman passed away at my place of employment. She was in here mid 30's. That is the second person who has passed away here at that age in the last few months, and it really put a damper on my mood. I think i knew who she was...she worked within my own building, but I never really spoke with her, perhaps a brief 'Hello' in mere passing at best.
It's true. You just never know. You could be in excellent health with no visible signs when God decides your time on Earth is at its end. I don't know if she was a believer or not, but the news of her death affects me none-the-less. It makes me take stock into my acts and works and attitudes while I am here.
I drank Friday night. More than I probably should have. I had both whisky and vodka, and as a result had a restless night. Saturday morning I tried to study the bible, but again, my thoughts were distanced and scattered. I could not focus at all, and no messages was making itself known for me to glean.
I was tired and went to bed early Saturday, but to no avail. For as fatigued as both my body and mind seemed to be, my restless dreams woke me up numerous times thoughout the night. So much so, I made a selfish excuse not to go to church on Sunday. I do feel a tad guilty about that, but my heart really wasn't in it. And of course my sleep last night was just as restless. I tossed and I turned, never falling into a deep sleep. I was up a few times, and I has a slight paign in my chest. It felt like a cross between tension and the early stages of one of my panic attacks, but teh more I sat there to think about it, the more I couldn't think of one thing that was getting under my skin. I've been thinking about work lately, a bit more than I usually do, but I'm not sure enough to keep me up at night.
I prayed today while driving on my way to work. Here I am asking God to remove my anxiety, and yet I felt a certain conviction in my heart as to what a horrid person I can be with my thoughts. Memories of anger and bitterness from a couple of years back came to mind, and I wondered "Whe the heck am I thinking this right now?" I have no answer for that.
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