It's been a few weeks since my last post, and even I can't recall where I may have been going with the last post.
As I was telling someone else recently in some email correspondance, I have had both good days and bad days as of late. Thankfully, there have been more good days than bad, and only once did I seriously consider going back on the Lexapro to get me through a rough patch.
The last two weekends I haven't been feeling 100%. I've been a bit more tired, both physcially and mentally. I've also felt a little sore, and to be honest, wasn't really into doing anything...even church. So I skipped the last two Sunday's, and I'm not even sure why.
I listened with great interest to a talk radio show the other day in which one of the shows engineers had discussed his dealing with depression and his current regime of Lexapro. I was happy he was so open with it and defending his choice, while his friends thought he was 'just popping pills', and that this depression was 'all in his head'. Well, duh, it is!!
They couldn't understand why this man was on pills, but all did comment that he was overly cheery now, and maybe its a false effect to who he really is. That may be, but unless you know yourself and the emotional pain and guesswork depressed people go through, there really is no way they can explain and have others understand. Heck, I don't even understand myself.
You see, years ago I was one of those doubters; one of those guys on the outside that didn't understand why depressed people were 'depressed'. Why did they need to take pills? To me, it was just an excuse, running away from the real issues, hiding behind the convienence of a perscription. I thought if people were depressed than a few things were wrong (and it wasn't the brain): it was they were not surrounding themselves with loving and supportive people. It was they had no faith in God. That they were seeking attention, crying wolf, etc.
Then the tables were turned and I fell into the pit, and now I realize how wrong I was.
My family loves me, more than I can ever describe....but their words did not help me. My mother shook her head at me on more than one occasion stating the pills were an easy way out. You see, she stills thinks like I did. My father was a little more understanding. Admittedly, he doesn't know much about depression, but he knew something 'deeper' was wrong, and offered his company to me when I was sitting home alone staring at the floor. We didn't speak much during those times, but I know he was scared enough that he didn't want his only son to do something 'crazy'. Even though he may never tell me, I have a sense that he believed I was close to the edge and I may do something stupid. Most likely not, but I won't lie and say the thoughts never crossed my mind.
Anyway, back to the radio show.... I was amazed on how many of these friends of the 'engineer' knew he was depressed, and offered no real help at the time. Now they see him as a happier person, but at the same time criticized him for taking pills in the first place (as if he couldn't help himself), and aloc commented that he's not himself. Wow! He's not himself? Well of course not...he's now happier and cheery and out from under the dark cloud that he was under 24x7. Did they not like change? Would they rather have the old friend back, full of doom and gloom, and crabbiness? Apparantly. And that to me, is scary.
I wonder how many of my friends and family feel that way about me? That's why I don't really let on to my issues with my friends. Only my wife and my parents and you blog readers know about my meds. I am not 100% honest even with my best friends....for fear on how they will react or look at me.
January 17, 2008
January 10, 2008
Headaches
It's been a week since my last post.
I've had a lot on my mind, but then again, when don't I?
Sometimes I wonder if it's just my chemistry that I am to be a naturally stressed person? Is it nature or nurture? I can look back and think my mom coddled me for so many years that I didn't have the 'typical' boyhood, but who really is to say certain events or actions crafted me and there wasn't something already planted inside from creation that would also contribute to how I act or react to things. I won't get all philosophical today, it's too early for that.
Anyway, I mentioned last time I think I need to get a physical. I haven't made the appointment yet. It seems like life is too busy. I often forget to take a time out and take care of things. I'm always misplacing bills, my wallet, my keys. It's as if I get so wrapped up into other things, I take the trivial things and some important things (like a physical) for granted.
When I do have any spare time, I tend to shut the rest of the world out and get lost in my own moments. Like last night. My wife had a business dinner (which I always find 'questionable' to begin with.) and didn't come home until 10:15pm. Why do I say these are questionable? Well, they always seem to 'pop-up' at the last minute, usually involve no specific time frame, and always involve drinking. This isn't part of her job description, and I am highly suspect that she is 'required' to go to these. Why can't one just say 'No, I'm not going out late after hours to a bar and then drive home in the middle of the week at last minutes notice.' I know in the past I have said No, and the facts are, my wife's position in the company is not high profile enough to warrant her attendance. But that's neither here nor there. Last night, I really didn't care. Last night meant that instead of coming home and walking the dog, paying a bill, putting away Christmas decoration or cleaning up around the house, that I would be playing Xbox from 6pm to 10:30pm. And 4.5 hours of online gaming is exactly what I did, and I don't feel guilty about it.
What I do feel a tad guilty about is that I didn't go to church last weekend. I couldn't give the Lord 1.5 hours of my life. I made a justification that I wasn't feeling well, which was the truth, but not enough to keep me away for 1.5 hours.
I've been having these headache spells the past week. Bordering on migraine's, they have hit me at work, at home, on the weekend. Last Saturday night I even got nauseated for about 60 seconds at one point. Extra strength aspirin did 'help' but did not make them go away completely. Of course I think it's related to stress, or I'm a candidate for an aneurysm, or I have a brain tumor, or something. My wife says I need to get this checked out, but she needs a lot checked out herself so when I don't go to the doctor and she gets upset with me, I turn it right back around on her and she usually gets quiet. Not an appropriate or loving way to win an argument, but effective.
I hadn't been drinking, alcohol that is, and I've been drinking plenty of water and caffeine, so I don't know why. Last night I had a real hard time sleeping too. I must have stared at the clock until after 1am before I fell asleep, and I could have slept in more today if not for work. I don't want to go to work today either. I just had almost two weeks off for the holidays to 'recharge' my batteries, but all I can think about is sitting hoem and playing a video game or watching tv or going to the gym or going for a nice long drive, not sitting in a cubicle answering assinine questions that seem to irritate me for whatever reason.
I've had a lot on my mind, but then again, when don't I?
Sometimes I wonder if it's just my chemistry that I am to be a naturally stressed person? Is it nature or nurture? I can look back and think my mom coddled me for so many years that I didn't have the 'typical' boyhood, but who really is to say certain events or actions crafted me and there wasn't something already planted inside from creation that would also contribute to how I act or react to things. I won't get all philosophical today, it's too early for that.
Anyway, I mentioned last time I think I need to get a physical. I haven't made the appointment yet. It seems like life is too busy. I often forget to take a time out and take care of things. I'm always misplacing bills, my wallet, my keys. It's as if I get so wrapped up into other things, I take the trivial things and some important things (like a physical) for granted.
When I do have any spare time, I tend to shut the rest of the world out and get lost in my own moments. Like last night. My wife had a business dinner (which I always find 'questionable' to begin with.) and didn't come home until 10:15pm. Why do I say these are questionable? Well, they always seem to 'pop-up' at the last minute, usually involve no specific time frame, and always involve drinking. This isn't part of her job description, and I am highly suspect that she is 'required' to go to these. Why can't one just say 'No, I'm not going out late after hours to a bar and then drive home in the middle of the week at last minutes notice.' I know in the past I have said No, and the facts are, my wife's position in the company is not high profile enough to warrant her attendance. But that's neither here nor there. Last night, I really didn't care. Last night meant that instead of coming home and walking the dog, paying a bill, putting away Christmas decoration or cleaning up around the house, that I would be playing Xbox from 6pm to 10:30pm. And 4.5 hours of online gaming is exactly what I did, and I don't feel guilty about it.
What I do feel a tad guilty about is that I didn't go to church last weekend. I couldn't give the Lord 1.5 hours of my life. I made a justification that I wasn't feeling well, which was the truth, but not enough to keep me away for 1.5 hours.
I've been having these headache spells the past week. Bordering on migraine's, they have hit me at work, at home, on the weekend. Last Saturday night I even got nauseated for about 60 seconds at one point. Extra strength aspirin did 'help' but did not make them go away completely. Of course I think it's related to stress, or I'm a candidate for an aneurysm, or I have a brain tumor, or something. My wife says I need to get this checked out, but she needs a lot checked out herself so when I don't go to the doctor and she gets upset with me, I turn it right back around on her and she usually gets quiet. Not an appropriate or loving way to win an argument, but effective.
I hadn't been drinking, alcohol that is, and I've been drinking plenty of water and caffeine, so I don't know why. Last night I had a real hard time sleeping too. I must have stared at the clock until after 1am before I fell asleep, and I could have slept in more today if not for work. I don't want to go to work today either. I just had almost two weeks off for the holidays to 'recharge' my batteries, but all I can think about is sitting hoem and playing a video game or watching tv or going to the gym or going for a nice long drive, not sitting in a cubicle answering assinine questions that seem to irritate me for whatever reason.
January 03, 2008
2008 already starting in question (Part I)
Hello everyone. I hope that everyone that stops by here has enjoyed their holiday season. Overall, I think I did, though I will admit along with many 'highs', there were a few 'lows' as well...mostly when I was alone with my thoughts.
There is plenty I can sit back and thank God for and be appreciative of, but there was also a few moments were I felt very convicted....not only of myself, but the world itself and some of the sad things I heard about made me want to cry.
My wife and I have been getting along pretty well, and I will say she did go a bit overboard on me in gifts this year....probably the most she has ever done in the four years we've been married. Usually, I'm the one that goes overboard, but she outdid me this year. I have mixed feeling about that. On the one hand, I guess you coudl say I was impressed and 'touched', however, I can't help but have a tiny sliver inside my mind say she's making up for something I don't know about yet, or trying to 'buy' me off. That's a horrible thing to think, and probably not the case....but her generosity towards me for Christmas is sorta out of character.
I believe she was happy with all the things she received as well. I continue to pray that she will stop smoking...a huge source of conflict between us...and devote 'some' time to church with me, another subject I pray about continously. As I mentioned before, she does indeed believe in Christ, but makes no time for Him or goes to church with me. I guess it's 'my' issue that she can't spend 1.5 hours a week in church with me, but has plenty of time to go bowling or goofing around with the neighbors for hours on end every week. Maybe if I approached her to commit 1 Sunday a month with me (that'd be 12 times a year), maybe the Holy Spirit will minister to her where she'll be moved to try other functions as well. I guess I've been overly sensative about it the last few weeks, because the topic of dating and/or marrying someone whome we are 'equally yoked' with has come up in my support group a lot lately, and it just seems to be hammering me inside everytime I hear it.
Speaking of support groups...mine has been very beneficial to me lately. I can't tell you how much they have lifted me up inside and give me hope when I often feel so crappy. There have been a few times lately in which I've been contemplating going back on Lexapro. I wish I could explain to you or even understand for myself on how my emotional state flucuates so much and so often as of late. A typical day can have me more or less neutral or happy, and then I get an overwhleming sense of grief or despair in which I can plummet and begin to sob inside at any time. It happened even yesterday....I was having lunch by myself, and the next thing I know, I need a tissue to wipe my eyes. Thoughts of death enter my head and I begin to calculate peoples expiration dates including my parents and friends. I even told my wife over vacation that I hope I die before she does because I don't want to be alone later in life. I fear my step-daughter won't ever visit me and that since we don't have any kids of our own, or I have no brothers or sisters, no one will care or check up on me. I often see myself dead and alone, only to have the neighbors call the police after the smell gets unbearable from my house.
How messed up is that? Why do I think that way? Why does my mind drift into this territory? It can't be normal. And that's the next thought....am I normal? Abnormal? Why can't I be joyous in Christ all the time? Why can't I stop worrying about things I have no control over? So the Lexapro numbs my thoughts. I had a slight panic attack once a few days ago. Before I knew it my chest was getting tight and it became hard to breathe. It lasted about 5 minutes which doesn't seem that long, but when it happens it seems like it's not going to end. I wasn't close to my Clonapen, so I had to just ride it out. The thing was, my wife and step-daughetr was with me, and I tried to hide it. I silently rode it out all the time wishing I could just lay down right then and there in public, and rip my shirt off as it felt so constricting.
Geez, now that I am writing this, I think I need to make an appointment with my general practioner for a checkup anyway. It been almost two years, maybe even more since my last physical.
There is plenty I can sit back and thank God for and be appreciative of, but there was also a few moments were I felt very convicted....not only of myself, but the world itself and some of the sad things I heard about made me want to cry.
My wife and I have been getting along pretty well, and I will say she did go a bit overboard on me in gifts this year....probably the most she has ever done in the four years we've been married. Usually, I'm the one that goes overboard, but she outdid me this year. I have mixed feeling about that. On the one hand, I guess you coudl say I was impressed and 'touched', however, I can't help but have a tiny sliver inside my mind say she's making up for something I don't know about yet, or trying to 'buy' me off. That's a horrible thing to think, and probably not the case....but her generosity towards me for Christmas is sorta out of character.
I believe she was happy with all the things she received as well. I continue to pray that she will stop smoking...a huge source of conflict between us...and devote 'some' time to church with me, another subject I pray about continously. As I mentioned before, she does indeed believe in Christ, but makes no time for Him or goes to church with me. I guess it's 'my' issue that she can't spend 1.5 hours a week in church with me, but has plenty of time to go bowling or goofing around with the neighbors for hours on end every week. Maybe if I approached her to commit 1 Sunday a month with me (that'd be 12 times a year), maybe the Holy Spirit will minister to her where she'll be moved to try other functions as well. I guess I've been overly sensative about it the last few weeks, because the topic of dating and/or marrying someone whome we are 'equally yoked' with has come up in my support group a lot lately, and it just seems to be hammering me inside everytime I hear it.
Speaking of support groups...mine has been very beneficial to me lately. I can't tell you how much they have lifted me up inside and give me hope when I often feel so crappy. There have been a few times lately in which I've been contemplating going back on Lexapro. I wish I could explain to you or even understand for myself on how my emotional state flucuates so much and so often as of late. A typical day can have me more or less neutral or happy, and then I get an overwhleming sense of grief or despair in which I can plummet and begin to sob inside at any time. It happened even yesterday....I was having lunch by myself, and the next thing I know, I need a tissue to wipe my eyes. Thoughts of death enter my head and I begin to calculate peoples expiration dates including my parents and friends. I even told my wife over vacation that I hope I die before she does because I don't want to be alone later in life. I fear my step-daughter won't ever visit me and that since we don't have any kids of our own, or I have no brothers or sisters, no one will care or check up on me. I often see myself dead and alone, only to have the neighbors call the police after the smell gets unbearable from my house.
How messed up is that? Why do I think that way? Why does my mind drift into this territory? It can't be normal. And that's the next thought....am I normal? Abnormal? Why can't I be joyous in Christ all the time? Why can't I stop worrying about things I have no control over? So the Lexapro numbs my thoughts. I had a slight panic attack once a few days ago. Before I knew it my chest was getting tight and it became hard to breathe. It lasted about 5 minutes which doesn't seem that long, but when it happens it seems like it's not going to end. I wasn't close to my Clonapen, so I had to just ride it out. The thing was, my wife and step-daughetr was with me, and I tried to hide it. I silently rode it out all the time wishing I could just lay down right then and there in public, and rip my shirt off as it felt so constricting.
Geez, now that I am writing this, I think I need to make an appointment with my general practioner for a checkup anyway. It been almost two years, maybe even more since my last physical.
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