Lacking Synchronicity

Today I feel very odd.

The best way I can put it (and I already know my own description is lost in translation) is that I am outside my physical self. I mean I currently aware my body is seated in a chair, and that I am typing, but I also feel adrift in a sea of lazy psychic currents.

Is it because I am tired both mentally and physically? My body has been a bit sore and tender the last few days, but it feels as if my mind wishes to wander a bit too. I keep having thoughts of being elsewhere....not work...not home....

My mind just keeps conjuring up false, yet oh-so-real locals. Like my daydreams could actually become reality. I've been thinking of sunsets again in the desert and feeling the breeze upon my body. I've pictured small lighthouses on coastal beaches. I've been thinking of lazily drinking an ice-tea while sitting in fabric lounge chair in the shade. I smell different fragrances in the air...whether it be summertime flowers, or ocean mist, or even wild desert sage mixed with the smells of hot sand.

I was asked to go to lunch today with a coworker, but I didn't want to go. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts and maybe get in some reading. I actually did read for a bit, but then afterwards, I place my book down and just sank into the bench I was seated upon. It's almost as if I became one with the bench and it took a real effort to concentrate on anything at all. Even more so it seemed like a major feat to even think about getting up and going back to the grind. If given the opportunity to get really lost, I think I could have sat there for an undetermined amount of time and let the world pass me by. It really felt good and realizing to separate myself from the real world.

I didn't sleep much last night. That may be contributing to my feelings of separation from myself. It was warm at the house and I awoke a few times throughout the early morning hours. I recall glancing at the clock a few times, so I figure maybe I got about 5 hours of sleep.

Work has also been on my mind this last week as well. Perhaps even making me a tad grouchy. There are a few pieces of equipment that just seem to keep breaking, and my company doesn't seem to be taking it seriously. I have the sense they don't wish to spend money for replacement equipment....instead just tasking me over and over to patch it up...to the point where the patches aren't working any longer either, and they want to know why things aren't working. See....they keep asking why....but there is no real serious mention of 'okay...how do we fix it then?'.

At lunch today I saw a woman I was attracted to. Not because she was pretty. By typical standards, she was very unassuming and plain looking, very average. Much paler than I am normally attracted to, so I can't say it was her looks (although she wasn't ugly by any stretch). She was attractive in a light I never really saw a stranger before....she just seemed 'genuine'. Now I have no idea what that actually means or if it is true or not.....she just seemed to carry herself in such a way that she was peaceful and happy and just exuded this aura that she would be a nice companion. I even caught myself wondering what our family vacation would be like, and how our kids looked. In just those brief 30 seconds, my mind had crafted snapshots of family holidays, our home, our time together in various aspects....and it was all pleasant. Of course I feel somewhat guilty for being already married, but it's like I wanted to have a different life again, and this was my minds way of saying 'What the heck happened here?'

Is my mind trying to point out to me that I secretly know I am still unhappy with the life I currently lead. Do I desperately really and truly want a 'do-over'? I can't help but conclude 'yes'.

Tired & Sore

Last week was a little rough at work.

Some pretty un-assuming and relatively easily engineered hardware kep breaking and breaking and breaking. It caused me a lot of personal frustration as I really have no explanations that would adequetly explain the breakages, and it seemed everytime I was able to get one piece working, another piece elsewhere would break.

Because the company I work for not only is behind the 8-ball of technological standards, they resist spending any additional monies (in lieu of the current economy) to fix things. They really seem to be of a cultural mindset of squeezing every last penny they can out of something before replacing, and thus I find myself constantly just patching things over and over...never really 'fixing' them...just buying additional time.

It came to a head last week where I was mentally drained and physically tired. I figure I walked so much last week on our various campuses attempting to repiar things I had to put miles upon miles on my legs and feet.

The accumaltive effect was I was dead tired to the world this weekend. I barely had energy to do laundry so going to the gym was out of the question. By saturday morning my whole body ached...lower back, calves, and the soles of my feet.

Even this morning, I could barely wake-up, and easily could have stayed in bed not only longer, but even wanted to stay home from work....but I knew I was needed today. I managed to grab a large cup of coffee this morning, and that seems to have had little effect. I'm still tired and feel like I could easily nap in my chair. My legs and feet are still sore, and I even got a rare knot/charlie horse in one of my calfs yesterday.

I managed to make it to church yesterday and it was good. It was very nice that two of the men came up to me after service and said they were praying for me and my 'situation' with my wife, which made me feel good.

Things on the marriage front have been good this last week as well, despite the fact that my wife is experiencing her monthly biological cycle that began Friday. At least knowing this ahead of time, I've more or less stayed cleared of her and have tried to be extra nice. The only time I sorta got mad was when I told her my friend was coming over saturday to play a game with me. She gave me a face like 'Really? I don't want any company over today.' Well, not to sound too insensitive, but too bad. You know how many times I am surprised at the last minute by people showing up at our house when I'm never consulted? When I'm not really in the mood for company? So...she can just deal with it this time as I have dozens of time before. She ended up going to our room early that evening and watching TV as we played Rock Band for a while.

Speaking of which, that was a very nice surprise for me. I mentioned to my friend the other day that I'd like to buy Rock Band, but because my wife and I recently had a talk about finances, I feel a little guilty going out and buying a $60 game. Well, wouldn't you know....he comes over Saturday night and hands me the game...Yes, he went out and bought it for me. I am still astounded and I can't believe he did that. It made me feel very good in knowing my friend thought of me like that and bought something he knew I desired that we could enjoy together. I'm wierd this way, but his stock in my life just went way up. It's amazing that the little things like that can define who a true friend really is, and he now has a personal loyalty from me that I can't explain.

The reason I bring this up is to point out that as a Christian we often judge those who aren't. Of course I know a lot of fine, outstanding Christians, but ocassionaly even some non-believers really impress me more so with their unselfishness and genuine nature more so that many Christians do. Sometimes my non-Christain friends actually treat me with a deeper compassion and bondship than those I go to church with. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. Perhaps it's the fact that non-christains have the ability to move me...or the most unlikely people end up doing the most.

Tired and venting

I feel like I need to apologize for my last few entries.

Looking back the last few days, my overall tone has been a little more gruff and edgy and it has clearly come out in my blog. However, I also know I don't live within a cute candy castle with marshmallow clouds either.

My stress is creeping up as of late. Between our finances, the heat, the drama next door and within, and my work as of late (this past week has been very trying and taxing), it must be getting to me.

As a matter of fact, last night I woke up at 3:23am and was up, tossing and turning before I finally gave up at about 4:45 and went downstairs to sleep on the couch. The whole time while I was up, my mind was racing about this and that, and once again coming to grips with my own personal happiness. I tried very hard to pray during this time, but as I said, my mind and it thoughts seemed cluttered and chaotic. As much as I was trying to concentrate of Christ, my mind would go off on a tangent elsewhere...like "What if I were still single?" "I wish I had a kid." "Would I be a good father?" "Where did I go wrong?"

Somewhere around 5:30 I must have finally fell back to sleep for at least another hour, but when I finally got up, my back was killing me. My couch is very comfortable, but wasn't build to give back support for sleeping. It took me a few minutes to even sit up...that's how sore I was...and when I did managed to sit up my back cracked in numerous places.

I seriously needed good coffee this morning, and there was none to be found. I drove up to Starbucks on my way to work (yay...another day at this grind as well....hot weather and nothing working the way it should be makes for a lot of troubled sighs throughout my day), but the line was way too long.

Work has been frustrating as well. I totally understand our economy is on shaky ground, and in lieu of 6.1% unemployment, I should be happy (and I am) that I just have a job right now. But sometimes I feel like I just do the same thing over and over and over again....fix, and fix and fix this equipment that just keeps breaking all the time. Why my company won't invest in new stuff is beyond me. I spend so much time patching the same things over and over again I'm not sure to laugh as I go stark-crazy mad, cry in frustration, or curse and yell in anger. Doesn't help when it's in the mid 90's either.

So I guess what I am trying to say here is the last week or so has been me venting...blowing off steam.

I think for Christmas, I am seriously going to go to a travel agent and book a cruise (our long delayed Honeymoon) for a good week. These 3 and 4 days here and there just aren't enough. I need to smell some fresh air. I need to take in a sunset and watch the colors of the sky change as the moon rises. I need to have a fruity drink with an umbrella and hang out in some bermuda shorts and crazy T-shirt instead of a suit for once.

Well, I'm off to go back in the field again right now. It's hot again outside, but I'm gonna day dream about exotic foods and exotic waters right now.

Don't get sucked in.

So things for all intents and purposes seem to be going well, but of course nothing ever is at it seems. You know the quip: "It's almost too quiet...Something isn't right?" Yeah, I almost found my self in it last night but I caught myself just before I got sucked into pandoras box or a gordian knot.

When my wife came home from bowling last night, instead of coming in the house at 9:30...of course she HAS to go next door and console the neighbor...again.

She finally comes in at around 10pm and I ask "What's wrong?"

She procedes to tell me the 'battle lines' are being drawn on the street, that a couple at the end end of the street are siding with the husband in the neighborhood divorce.

Well, I'm not sure why she should be surprised. Name me a divorce where sides weren't taken. My advice to her a few weeks ago is that you can be supportive without getting involved. That means, you can be a shoulder to cry on, get her mind off things, but STAY AWAY from the temptation to getting directly involved.

Nope. She couldn't do it. I'm not sure the exact details or exact timeline, but I now understand our neighbors soon to be ex-husband has e-mailed my wife.....and said a few things...which she felt the need to fire back. I found out AFTER the fact that she had already replied and waited to tell me the following the day.

Mistake #1: My wife took the bait, and replied. I told her if he writes or calls, don't even give the satisfaction of acknowledgement and just delete/ignore. Don't even read the message, lest she get 'worked up' and feel the need to reply, in which case things could escalate. It just give the ex and the other neighbors canon fodder or fuel to ignite a larger exchange.

I explain to my wife, what do you think you will accomplish by replying back? He is moving forward with the divorce. He has moved out. He is not returning. What do you think the resolution will be and why do you care? She tells me that it is important that the 'truth' be heard. Yes, I agree with her...however, we are talking about people who don't know the full story and have already made up their minds. He is not being rational and has already crafted his own version of events based on high emotions and his interpretations...so again, at the end of the day...his mind is not going to be changed, and no one else on the street will give a damn in a few months. Seems like a lot of energy being wasted on a non-issue that she is getting baited into.

Problem is...I can see this (and have seen it for a few weeks now) and my wife doesn't. Her stubborn, "I always have to be 'right'" nature gets in her way. You know, men aren't the only creatures with ego's and pride.

Again, I gave my advice...."You know...if you continue to respond...he's just going to continue to egg you on. If you ignore and delete the messages, he'll give up. He then (and the other neighbors) will have nothing to say about you."

She replied, "I don't care what they think."

"Well, if you don't care what they think, then why are you deteremined that the 'truth' come out and you're obviously getting worked up now. You more or less just countered your own argument....Don't reply, don't fire back, don't get involved...they have nothing to say...end of story."

"So what if they tell untruths or begin to slander us?"

"You just said you don't care. You either care or you don't. The important thing is YOU and I know the truth. When this is all over, you'll never see him again and you don't even speak with the neighbors in question at the end of the street...so again....why do you care? What do you hope to achieve? How is it by replying to him that you see this will come to resolution for the streets sake?"

Then the sad, ugly truth was uttered from her lips...and I had to immediatly had to dismiss this whole conversation or risk getting into an argument.

"You don't stick up for me? If this was someone elses wife on the street, their husband would defend them and have words with him. You didn't"

Ahhhh....so this is what it is about....I didn't jump fast enough when he first said things to you.

Well....the FACT OF THE MATTTER IS....I didn't know about until you had already replied and then decided to tell me a day or two later. I wasn't present to respond when it happened. I don't have his phone number, nor his email address. I haven't even seen him other than the day the police showed up a few days back.

The reason no one is attacking me, or having words with me? Very simple....I STAYED OUT OF IT. I can support my female neighbor (and I have when I spoke with her) without broadcasting my feelings to the street. I don't fuel the fire with any antics that can EVEN be interpreted wrong by anyone. Notice...the neighbors at the end of the street aren't in my Kool-Aid, because I'm not in theirs. The soon-t0-be ex isn't in my grill, because I'm not in his. Namely I haven't given him a chance or an opportunity to do so. The FACT is I gave my advice to my wife to stay out...and she CHOSE not to. She actively made a decisio to get involved...and now is pissed at me because I'm not defending her for something I wasn't even aware of until after it went down and I was graced with the crumbs of information she gave me.

Of course it's now my fault. I see that so clearly now. Once again, I prove that I am just a 'hermit' whose outta touch with the world.

I ended the conversation right there. Fine...go ahead...get worked up about it. Fire back and get into an email and text war with him if you think that's the right way to resolve this and get whatever you think you're gonna get out of this. For once...grow up...walk the other way. Forgive...forget. Move on. Don't dwell on it....Isn't that advice you scream at me over and over again? Oh, I see....it's easy to tell me all this stuff, but you can't do it yourself. Whatever....continue on with your war of words (how is that working out for you anyway?)...and leave this hermit to himself. This is one other area where I don't need to stress about. You don't want my advice, and even if you ask for it...you ignore it anyway. Again, how's this all working out for you?

I ended the conversation here and went to bed.

Weekly Wrap-up

I decided to take Friday off of work last week for a 'mental health' day. At least that's what I hear people are calling what once was known as 'playing hooky'.

My past job of 10 years, I rarely took a day off....the only times I ever recalling taking time off was when I was very ill with food poisoning or the time I hurt my back. I rarely even took vacations. When I was 'let go' after 10 years, they actually had to pay me out 3 weeks of vacation time I had saved up because I never went anywhere.

Even in High School, I was such a nerd, I even got an award for not missing one day of school in 4 years. No joke.

I'm trying to take a different approach to life now. Last week I had a very frustrating Thursday at work. Nothing was going right, and it was warm, and by the time I got home I was dead tired, sweaty, and sore. Things were piling up around the house like laundry, dishes, taped television and a few other things....so I decided to stay home. And it was nice. I caught up on TV, cleaned our office, did a few loads of laundry, took our dog for a nice long walk, and even had the chance to play some video games uninterrupted.

The neighborhood did have some drama however on Friday. It seems the husband to our next door neighbor came over unexpected as a bunch of us were outside. Within minutes the police were over and temporally cuffed him. I felt for him...I'm sure he was embarrassed beyond belief (I know I would be) and didn't want to make eye contact with any of us. It really had to be magnified since it was pure coincidence we were all outside when this went down. The sad thing is I really do sense a few of our neighbors turning on him...calling him names and talking bad about him....and yet no one knows the whole story. I suppose I'm really sensitive to this because I said I see a lot of parallels between him and me...his wife and mine...his situation and my situation.

After 30 minutes and once the police let him go and they left, and he then left with his head hung low...the husband bashing continued. After another ten minutes or so, I finally spoke up...and told them all without being ashamed that instead of condemning him for what we don't know, we should be praying for his mental health, her peace, and both of their stability. It was just a few weeks ago we were all his friends, and I'm somewhat surprised the tone people are beginning to form...based on nothing.

Saturday I went to men's bible study but I wasn't really enthralled. I like structure and was planning to continue our study in Corinthians, but instead we went way off topic to the point I was actually looking forward to leaving and wonder why I even showed up. I didn't go to church on Sunday either...I was still sore and tired and wanted alone time.

My wife wanted to talk to me yesterday afternoon too. Earlier she was balancing her check book and looking at her finances. She started the conversation by saying, "You're not going to yell at me are you? Don't be mad." Great, with an introduction like that I can only assume the worst, but I steeled myself, took a deep breath, and sat on the couch. "Okay, what's on your mind?"

She proceeded to tell me that she's broke...and tears began to form in her own eyes. I'm sorry, but I saw this coming. As you'll recall, we've argued about money before....And on occasion I've bailed her out in the past with her telling me she'll do better next time. To her credit she has improved, but she's managed to get in over her head again where she is just paying off finance charges anymore with nothing left. Yes, this is the same person who declared bankruptcy 6 years ago. I'd thought she'd learn from her mistakes...but apparently not. She's informed me she has 4 credit cards now and they are all maxed out. Two years ago she didn't have one.

And 4 credit cards later, what does she have to show for it? Sure a few clothes here and there, a few meals, a few holiday gifts....but not 4 maxed out credit cards worth. She says she may need to get another job unless 'we' figure something out. In a way, I almost want her to get another job...1) I don't want to keep being the bail out guy in lieu of her behaviors towards me at times, 2) It may keep her more busy so she's not involved in all the things I question at times, 3) She really needs to learn the lesson the hard way...because all the advice I've been giving for years....she either takes as an attack, or just plain dismisses altogether thinking I'm some control freak. I laugh when she says that inside. I'm a control freak? Apparently not...because we don't have a joint account, nor did I even know about all these maxed cards, so what control she thinks I have, I have no clue.

To make a long story short, she agreed to my idea that we'd both keep a daily journal for one month of every financial transaction (checks, cash, CC's, debit cards) and at the end of the month we'd compare and see if we find any patterns or area's we can both cut.

She's offered to turn everything over to me, and open one joint account where both our salaries are automatically deposited and I pay all the bills. This is something I offered years ago and was met with a lot of resistance. I remember this as being one of those moments where I was being 'controlling'. But now, years later, because it's now 'her idea', I guess it's okay. I'm a bit skeptical though.....what's to stop her in the future from arguing with me that I am in control of everything? Or, I don't give her enough allowance? I'm still trying to figure out how she went from 0 to 4 credit cards in the last 2 years. I'd think once two were maxed out a rational person coming off a bankruptcy would not open a 3rd let a lone a 4th.

Maybe I should be taking another mental health day.

The Vicious Circle (part IV- finale)

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since our last blow-up, and dare I say things seem back to normal, or as normal as I can expect them for the time being?

Looking back at that last Sunday, I had left my house and dragging my half-angry, half-hurt ass to church just looking for some peace and quiet. Well, I made the best out of the situation that I could and after the service I made myself to the 'prayer-room'. There is generally one of the elders in that room in which you can go in and ask for special needs, prayers, personal requests...far removed from the scrunity or possible embarrassment from others.

Well, I really had nothing else to lose and I seriously didn't care who thought what of me and my emotional state of mind at that moment. So I unloaded. I didn't go into major details, just enought to get the gist across my wife and I always seem to be at odds. And that no matter how hard I try sometimes, I'm tired of feeling like she gets a free pass on her behaviors (or lack of them) and that I'm the one wearing my heart on my sleeve most of the time...especially when I am trying very hard to be the responsible person, whether it be financially, spiritually, maturely, etc.

I spent about 15 - 20 minutes in there and it was a relief just to get it out of my system, whether anything could be done about it or not. The elder asked if we thought about going to a counsler in which I told him my earlier attempts and my wifes refusal to acknowledge them. He took my email address and said he would ask our pastor to send me some Christian based therapists, which our pastor did contact me later in the week (I still don't have any names yet).

When I finally left church, two of my men associates asked me how things were. I'm not sure if they 'sensed' something was wrong or just pure coincidence, but it was apparent once they saw me and my eyes and demeanor, that something was up. I gave them the 2 minute abbriged version and they said they would pray for me and encourage me to return next week.

The rest of Sunday was awkward and by the end of the day my wife had thawed enough to begin talking to me. She even offered to make me a sandwich, which I agreed to.

On Labor Day, since we were both off we were at home. Later in the day we ended up having a BBQ with our neighbors and we seemed to be at least talking again. I suppose that's a start.

The reminder of the week I made a concerted effort to make sure when she arrived home that I turned off any video game I had been playing, or asked what she wanted to do. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass at all, just once again feel that I'll give it the 'ole college try and show that I at least attempt to make an effort. However, as these things normally go, she has no idea what she wants to do so I can't help but wonder inside my own head "Then I don't undertand the argument to begin with. I'm now offering and making myself available for free time, and she can't think of anything to do. I can't win.

I laid low and then the strangest thing happened. Like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, on Thursday my wife became very amorous. Huh? The same person who had been slandering me just days before, ranting and raving about who knows what...now wants to be very 'wifey' by her own volition...whcih rarely happens. Imagine my surprise when she made advances yet again on Friday. I swear to you, I don't know who is the bi-polar one anymore...me or her.

The last few days she's been more pleasant to be around and I even heard her admit to the neighbor that she has a problem in 'name calling.' That makes me feel wierd too....Part of me is at least somehwat happy that she can acknowedge her actions as not the 'best', but she admits it to someone else other than me. It's like she can admit her 'sorriness' and guilt to someone else, anyone else, except the person she perpetuates it on...namely me.

So while I'll wrap this up and say thing have been stable and maybe even somewhat positive the last few days.....for me to explain what made her change her attitude towards me, I'll never know. Was it indeed prayer from my church and the few that I confided in, or is my wife a master of disguising her own internal struggles...something I cannot?

The Vicious Circle (Part III)

After my wife slammed the door and went downstairs, I sat there in bed and while I wasn't as agitated as perhaps I world normally be under these circumstances, it was enough where I knew if I didn't do something to take care of myself, I would eventually be my own worst enemy and spin out of control.



After laying still for about 10 minutes and thinking things through, I made my way to the medicine cabinet and took a Clonzapen....basically a sedative.



I'm not exactly sure when I eventually fell asleep, but my wife came to bed sometime after 2am. By 4:30am I had woken up. My intestines where giving me a little trouble and it was also pretty warm in our room as well. I tossed and turned and couldn't seem to remain cool, and since my intestines were knotted with anxiety, I grabbed my pillows and made my way down to the couch downstairs. I actually did this because I would spend the next few hours in and out of the bathroom (which I'm sure was related to stress and anxiety over our fight) and the fact it did seem 10 degrees cooler downstairs. I figure, if I was lucky, maybe I got all of 4, maybe 4.5 hours of sleep.



Saturday we more or less kept to ourselves, only speaking to each other if we really needed to.



Sometime that afternoon, I decided I needed a shower. I was drained both physically and emotionally and was hoping a nice hot shower would wash away hours up pent up tension and mental distress. I also just needed to be 'alone' for a few minutes.



Once in the shower, I suppose I let my guard down as I figured I was alone. Before I knew it, I was weeping again. Once again, thoughts are running through my head: "Who is this person I married?" "Why can we not seem to talk in a civil manner?" "How did it come to the point where she thinks its okay to call me these names?" "Why do I let these names hurt me so bad?" "Where is God and my prayers in any of this?" These were just a few of the many questions running through my brain at the time and I feel ashamed to say that I even thought "Maybe she will just go away and this will all be over. Maybe it's not to late for a do-over." But of course, I know this is me admitting in a moment of exasperation that I give up and I don't trust God. But quite frankly my patience just feels like it can't stretch any thinner...yet somehow, someway, I still endure. I don't believe in divorce, or at least my upbringing is against it....but I admit I feel miserable right now and I'm not even sure I can even explain what 'love' is right now. I'm definitely not experiencing the love I desire or think I deserve...and I'm not sure at times whether I can freely give it out anymore....just to be let down again.



After a good 30 minutes I do feel somewhat better and emerge in silence and we continue our day in respective solitude from each other.



Sunday morning I got up and decided I really need to go to church. Yes, I've skipped the last few weeks for who knows what real reason, but now I needed it, if only to get me out of the house for the next two hours and spend some time in prayer and with Christ.



As I was getting dressed my wife finally decided to speak to me...



"Where are you going?"



"Church."



"Why were you crying yesterday in the shower?"



At one point during my shower she must have came upstairs to see what I was doing and heard my sobs through the door. 'Great', I thought...just what I need...more ammunition for her to use against me in telling me I'm a wuss and overly sensitive.



"Because.....You hurt my feelings. This goes beyond you just being mad or upset with me. This is beyond any e-mail issue or the fact I don't feel well nor did I get enough sleep. I cried because in the 5 years we have been married, I have never heard you call me those types of names, so many of them, and with such acrimony and venom. You crossed the line last night. You really crossed it when you used my mothers name. You know that in particular that is my personal Achilles heel, and you went right to it...multiple times. I have never...EVER...called you those names in any argument we have ever had. You do not respect me as a person, nor a husband, nor a friend."



By this time I'm starting to cry all over again. My wife looks at me, "Well, when you act like an asshole....."



"It doesn't matter. You may not like me or agree with me. I can handle you being upset with me...But that level of name calling is beyond my comprehension right now. And the fact of the matter that almost 36 hours have gone by without an apology..."



"But maybe I'm still upset with you....?"



"That's fine. You can be upset with me. I get that....but the names..."



"Okay. I'm sorry."



"Yeah, but you don't mean it so it's wasted on me."



"Oh, so now you're telling me I'm not sorry?"



"Let's put it this way....The only reason you are saying 'Sorry' right now is because I just brought it up. In the last 36 hours it never crossed your mind, and I doubt it did right now until I said anything."



"Just go to church...."



"I am."



And I walked out the door, making sure I'm wearing my sun glasses as I know my eyes are red and swollen all over again.



To be continued....

The Viscious Circle...continues (Part II)

Warning: this entry contains adult language.

So after my Friday afternoon 'venting' entry, I came home by myself. I knew my wife was going to a birthday party of one of her co-workers so I found myself outside with a few of the neighbors talking under the stars and having a beer myself.

It's nice that we all get to pull out folding beach chairs and place them in a circle in someone's driveway and just sort of hang out on occassion, although as I mentioned before, the topics and subject matter can be very repetitive and predictable. None the less, it was cool outside and I was somewhat wound up from my email trade with my wife earlier in the day and it probably wasn't going to do anybody any good if I stayed inside to brood....I knew my wife was most likely whooping it up.

She actually came home at slightly after 10pm, and it was apparant she had a few drinks. I probably set things in motion, (and as always...it wasn't my plan or intention) but I kind gave her space as I really had nothing to say to her. She did come up to me, but I did indeed give her the cold shoulder (my feelings were hurt and I was a bit peeved from earlier....but this action would prove to be a fatal mistake on my part). I imagine she got the hint that I was not in the best of moods and we tended to keep to ourselves amongst the gathered crowd.

Finally, I decided to call it an evening and headed in to take a shower at 11pm, and sat down to watch a few minutes of late night TV. My wife came in at 11:30pm, was quiet a few minutes, and then decided she wanted to talk to me. 'This is not going to go well', I thought to myself, so bracing for the inevitable, I turned off the TV and continued to sit on the couch.

"You didn't return my last e-mail.", she said.

"What was there to say? What could I have written that would have changed any outcome? I was open and honest and tried to communicate 'my' feelings in general and what I received in return was being told I was a hermit and not the same man you married. You're right....I'm not the same man. I've been having some hard times that I've been dealing with no real support here. I'm trying to reconnect with God and act my age now. I've come to re-prioritize my responsibilities and what is important.....God, marriage, family, and work."

"Why were you rude to me outside? You ignored me."

"I'm still a little upset from earlier."

"Why? Why did you say 'You play second fiddle to my friends.'?"

"Don't I?"

"No."

"Really? So what am I missing that you are out every night this week with someone else other than me? Than us? Again, what happened to this speech you gave me about coming home early and walking the dog?"

"Oh..I'm sorry....I have a job to do. And at the end of the day, I want to unwind, and not come home to you playing a game."

"You know...that is such a tired and overplayed excuse. 'YOU' told me 'YOU' were coming home from now on at 6, not 'ME'. 'We' are not walking the dog....I am."

"Oh, you're so literal...."

"So what are you saying, that everything you say should be left up to interpretation to what ever suits you which day? And I play games because you're not here. Why does it seem this argument is always like the dog chasing it's tail? I play games beacuse you're not home and I have nothing to do, in which you say when you do come home, whenever you feel like it, I'm playing games. Don't you see the circular arguement here? So tell me....please....what should I be doing instead."

"When I come home, you should turn off the game. Or stop watching your shows."

"Most of the time I do. Granted it's not everytime, there are sometimes you just can't stop until you get to a particular point in the game in order to save. Sometimes that 5 minutes, sometimes that's 15 minutes. Are you saying that as soon as you walk in the door, I have to jump up immediately and just stop whatever I'm doing because you have now decided to grace me with your presence? Really? Is that the argument that I am at your beck and call, whenever you feel the need? I don't think so. So what happens if I turn off the game? Do we walk the dog?...No? Do we watch TV?....? No? And don't tell me about me watching 'my' shows. How many times have you walked in the house and I have personally handed you the remote and said "Would you like to watch you Soap Opera? So don't tell me I sit here on my duff and hog the TV. I actually walk the dog....make my own dinner.....do laundry.....and other chores as well. What do you want to do? I also prefaced in the email that perhaps this was an off week. I understand you have some friends with a birthday and personal crisis, and what's going on next door. Like I said...maybe I'm just being overly sensitive about this." (surprisingly, even though I was becomming more and more irritated, I was able to say all this without raising my voice. I made a very concious effort to remain civil and calm.)

"I don't know. But your e-mail didn't preface any of that."

"Really? I beg to differ."

"Really. I still have it."

"Read it then...right now...."

"You know....."

"Read it." I interuppted.

She read it outloud from her Blackberry phone and there was my preface. Everything she said I didn't say...she was now reading back word for word.

At this point I really didn't want to argue anymore. I could feel myself wanting to go off, but I was determined to remain calm. "Please....can we talk about this tomorrow? It's late. We've both had a few drinks and probably not in the best mind frame to talk about this right now." I looked at the clock at it was now midnight.

"No...I'm not done yet. I want to know what you meant by you playing second fiddle."

"I have already explained it....twice if not more. How else do you wish me to say this? Seriously, I am asking you nicely now....please drop this and we can talk in the morning. I am tired and I really don't want to argue. I am telling you, I very much wish to avoid an argument right now."

"Too bad. We're going to talk about this now....What do you mean?"

I tell her, again, calmly....."I feel and I can't help my feelings....but I feel as if any time I ask to do something with you it's either too hot, you don't feel good, too tired, etc.....but if one of your friends calls...then 'Boom' you're out the door."

"Well, they are my friends and they like to do something except sit."

"And I understand that. It just seems you pick them over me, and I am telling you....I do miss you. I am envious of the time you spend with them. I can't explain it any more simplier than that. And that's unfair you say I just 'sit'.....how many times have I offered to play a board game, take a walk, go to the gym, see a movie, etc....and you always have a reason as to 'no'...so it more feels to me you don't wish to spend time with me. How should I feel?"

"I don't understand."

"Well, I don't know how else to explain it or make it any clearer. Those are my feelings and you don't share that, see that, or in denial....so I don't know what to say. Can we please stop this now?"

"No we need to get this out and over with..."

At this point I have no idea what she is looking for. I can honestly say I am dumbfounded on where she is taking this topic at all at this point. I have a feeling she is just in the mood to argue, no matter what at this point. And I think after reading my email out loud and possibly making some sense my wife feels the need for some reason to make a point or to 'win' in her eyes. I've seen her argue before and she always wants to have the definitive last word, to be able to walk away knowing her pride is intact and somehow she came out on top."

"No....I'm done now."

"Okay...XXXXXXX" (XXXXXX is my mother's name, and she knows its my achilles heal. When my wife really wants to hurt me, she calls me my mothers name. At this point I just say "I'm done"....she crossed the line in my book and I get up and walk upstairs ignoring her rants and reach for an aspirin and get into bed. She follws me into the bedroom and continues to chide me and call me my mother's name. I seriously am fighting the urge to lash out and begin to pray immediatly that God takes away my anger and calms my spirit. What has gotten into her? It's now 12:20am and she seems to be just warming up.

"What? You are now calling me my mom's name? Oh this just gets richer and richer. Any other names you want to call me?" I can't help but laugh now.....not the reactions she was expecting.

"You're an asshole."

"Okay. Bring it on...get it out of your system. Today, I am not the man you married, I'm a hermit, I'm XXXXXX, and now I'm an asshole." I lay in bed breathing evenly and calmly...smiling even.

"Do you want me to leave? This can be over right now. If you don't talk to me, I can walk out this door." Her tone in her voice is serious and she's...what?....now hinting at divorce? Divorce over this? You're kidding me right? No...I don't think she's kidding right now. But I'm not going to stoop down to her level and call her any names or get sucked into a no-win brawl. And in a strange way I'm not sure if I 'm calling her bluff or not, but for a brief moment....I don't care if she leaves....Actually, I kind want her to go right now. For an instant the belief of her walking out the door means I'll have some peace and quiet and actually go to bed like I wanted to in the first place. Let her walk out. She can explain to her parents and family what is going on....it's ain't gonna happen.

But what happens if she gets hurt in her emotional state....or gets pulled over by the police? You know....for that brief moment...I'm okay with that and just envision her in the back of the cop car, the police calling me up and me ignoring the phone. She can call her dad to bail her out. I can't help but think this whole thing is so out of control and I can't even tell you how it got to this point.

"So you're not saying anything?"

"No....I told you for at least the 20th time now. I'm done with this. I don't even know what I'm arguing about right now, let alone where this is going. I asked you numerous times to stop this and table it until tomorrow, And when it comes to name calling...I'm not going there. You crossed the line. I'm done. Period."

My wife stood there for a few minutes continuing to barrage me with questions and demands. I just sat there with my eyes closed...keeping my mouth shut, praying. After a few more minutes of this she finally gave up by calling me a "Pussy who needs to grow a set of balls"...and slammed the door to our bedroom as she went downstairs.

She didn't leave that night...

To be continued....