Even though today I forgot to take my pill, the previous 6 days I've been good and on track. Perhaps its the gloomy and rainy weather today, but I am tired.
I actually took a little power nap in my car at lunch today since I mostly eat at my desk these days to help save money. But I'm having a hard time shaking the cobwebs outta my head right now, and I know I could easily fall back asleep if I had the chance.
I'm pretty sure that's one of the side effects of my pills. It doesn't matter if I have my obligatory 3-4 cups of coffee in the morning, a very light lunch (today was cup of noodles), or some tea in the afternoon. I just get plumb tuckered out. Also doesn't help that work has been slow thus far the last two days and I'm passing the time by studying slef-paced Microsoft Power Point lessons.
My wife has her first interview today. First one in over 12 years and I know she's a bit scared. She also let me know she applied for another job yesterday.
Overall our relationship this past week has been pretty good. She's actually been quite nice to me, although an incident late Friday had me a bit befuddled (though I blame the copious amount of adult beverages she had). Yesterday I came home to a cleaned kitchen and master bath, and she's been quite personable to me. I wish we had more of this and less of the other.
Church was nice on Sunday. I really needed it just to lift my spirits in general.
Speaking of God, I read a story that some guy in New York just spent all of his life savings (over $100k?) to take out ads all over the city at bus stops and billboards stating the end of the world was coming this Saturday....May 21st. I know he's not the only one who thinks this, but I suppose we'll all see one way or another. What happens 'if' we wake up on the 22nd. How does he cope knowing his faith has been shattered and he's now broke?
Personally I try not to think of this stuff because the topic does scare me although I'd like to think I'm going to be the Lord....but He says only He knows the hour and day on which the end takes place....not us. Besides, there's a ton of movies I'd like to see first, a few more books I'd like to read, and a few more BBQ's to host.
May 17, 2011
May 11, 2011
Hump Day
Today is day two that I remembered to take my pill.
Last night after work I went to the gym, rode the bike for approx 20 minutes, and then bombed my biceps for a bit. Once I came home I BBQ'd some marinated chicken breasts, blacks beans, and cilantro/lime rice. Overall very healthy, and my wife was appreciative. We caught up on some recorded television, and for the most part I hung low.
This morning before I left for work, feeling somewhat re-energized I asked my wife to do the following: 1) Call back a person who called 2 days ago about setting up an interview....even if she doesn't want the job, it'll be good practice to interview with someone and get pointers after not being in that position for over 11 years. 2) Call her old company up and figure out where her check is. She was supposed to get a check last Friday, and as of yesterday (Tuesday), my wife still hadn't received anything which makes me nervous. So she has to figure out what happened. 3) And I asked her to listen or attempt to listen to at least 1 CD from a Christain series I got some time back on the topic of 'Marriage' from "Growing Through Grace". She said she would.
It's a 6 CD- series, and I admit, I myself have only listened to the first 2, but I said if she listened to them, I would as well. The two that I did listen to for myself were very helpful...although that was a few months back, and I may need to re-listen to help me remember all the exact content.
I did opt to take Friday off, and it was approved. My plan is to see Thor early in the afternoon, even if it is by myself. I may call my dad to see if he wants to meet me for breakfast. That should be nice.
I pray that my work goes by fast today, or at least I keep busy enough where it does go by fast. Periods of dullness lead to unhealthy thoughts.
Speaking of praying, I prayed quite a bit this morning. Mostly for me and my wife, but also other people I know are having thier own issues...I know I'm not the only person.
Last night after work I went to the gym, rode the bike for approx 20 minutes, and then bombed my biceps for a bit. Once I came home I BBQ'd some marinated chicken breasts, blacks beans, and cilantro/lime rice. Overall very healthy, and my wife was appreciative. We caught up on some recorded television, and for the most part I hung low.
This morning before I left for work, feeling somewhat re-energized I asked my wife to do the following: 1) Call back a person who called 2 days ago about setting up an interview....even if she doesn't want the job, it'll be good practice to interview with someone and get pointers after not being in that position for over 11 years. 2) Call her old company up and figure out where her check is. She was supposed to get a check last Friday, and as of yesterday (Tuesday), my wife still hadn't received anything which makes me nervous. So she has to figure out what happened. 3) And I asked her to listen or attempt to listen to at least 1 CD from a Christain series I got some time back on the topic of 'Marriage' from "Growing Through Grace". She said she would.
It's a 6 CD- series, and I admit, I myself have only listened to the first 2, but I said if she listened to them, I would as well. The two that I did listen to for myself were very helpful...although that was a few months back, and I may need to re-listen to help me remember all the exact content.
I did opt to take Friday off, and it was approved. My plan is to see Thor early in the afternoon, even if it is by myself. I may call my dad to see if he wants to meet me for breakfast. That should be nice.
I pray that my work goes by fast today, or at least I keep busy enough where it does go by fast. Periods of dullness lead to unhealthy thoughts.
Speaking of praying, I prayed quite a bit this morning. Mostly for me and my wife, but also other people I know are having thier own issues...I know I'm not the only person.
May 10, 2011
Whining
After I posted yesterday, I had a lot of time to reflect for the remainder of the day, and I can't help but feel I came across a little whiny. However, that was how I was feeling at the time so I am unsure if apologies are in order or not.
Yesterday afternoon and early evening proved to be yet another internal battle I often have with myself: trying to be brave, asserting my confidence, growing a backbone on one side, but at the same time feeling sorry for myself, feeling hurt, vulnerable, and once again....fantasizing I was someone else and somewhere else.
As I stated it was my wife's birthday yesterday, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Not because I don't love my wife, but knowing what my SIL revealed to me in a phone conversation on how my wife supposedly felt about me while somewhat intoxicated didn't make me feel like celebrating her day....especially when my birthday was almost two months ago and my wife more or less shined it altogether.
But I sucked it up and tried to be a man about it and despite my indifferent feelings I went ahead anyway and met her and 'our' friends. I only stayed about 2 hours, and a few people bought me some drinks. Many of these people are my friends as well, and it was nice to see them. The real surprise of the evening is that my wife paid attention to me...she told me she loved me a few times...and even kissed me in public. And she was sober.
Talk about confusing emotions for me. I have no idea where I stand anymore. One day I am a horrible step-father who needs to 'grow a pair of balls' (per my SIL), the next day my wife tells me how much she loves me, wants to go dancing with me, and is planning to take me to dinner on Friday.
Do you guys understand why I want to pull my hair out at times? I have a feeling my SIL and BIL may have pointed some stuff out to my wife (in my favor) that maybe she really didn't recognize on her own...If that is the case, then I owe them my gratitude....but that all could be wishful thinking on my part and the furthest thing from reality.
I took a 'pill' this morning...and I can tell my body was devoid of the chemicals before. The last hour or so, I get these little flashes that last only about a second in my head...kind of like a head rush or adrenaline. This is a mild side-effect and always occurs when I'm on my meds. I guess it just feel more pronounced today. Too bad it takes 2 weeks of taking them every day for them to kick in....so I suppose my chemicals will be out of whack...again...the next few days.
Speaking of which, I had to call my therapist this morning and explain that my wife lost her job and our medical benefits are in flux and I can no longer pay for my weekly sessions right now. Maybe when my wife gets a new job, or I can sign up for benefits at my job (*sigh) I can go again....but for the forseeable future, I'm on my own.
I really didn't want to go to work today. I really wanted to stay home, play with my dog, work on my models and just take a personal day. Instead, I came in this morning and asked for Friday off and it was granted. I have enough vacation time saved up...Lord knows we can't afford to go anywhere.
I have a gift certifcate to the movies, so I may treat myself to Thor in the afternoon.
Yesterday afternoon and early evening proved to be yet another internal battle I often have with myself: trying to be brave, asserting my confidence, growing a backbone on one side, but at the same time feeling sorry for myself, feeling hurt, vulnerable, and once again....fantasizing I was someone else and somewhere else.
As I stated it was my wife's birthday yesterday, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Not because I don't love my wife, but knowing what my SIL revealed to me in a phone conversation on how my wife supposedly felt about me while somewhat intoxicated didn't make me feel like celebrating her day....especially when my birthday was almost two months ago and my wife more or less shined it altogether.
But I sucked it up and tried to be a man about it and despite my indifferent feelings I went ahead anyway and met her and 'our' friends. I only stayed about 2 hours, and a few people bought me some drinks. Many of these people are my friends as well, and it was nice to see them. The real surprise of the evening is that my wife paid attention to me...she told me she loved me a few times...and even kissed me in public. And she was sober.
Talk about confusing emotions for me. I have no idea where I stand anymore. One day I am a horrible step-father who needs to 'grow a pair of balls' (per my SIL), the next day my wife tells me how much she loves me, wants to go dancing with me, and is planning to take me to dinner on Friday.
Do you guys understand why I want to pull my hair out at times? I have a feeling my SIL and BIL may have pointed some stuff out to my wife (in my favor) that maybe she really didn't recognize on her own...If that is the case, then I owe them my gratitude....but that all could be wishful thinking on my part and the furthest thing from reality.
I took a 'pill' this morning...and I can tell my body was devoid of the chemicals before. The last hour or so, I get these little flashes that last only about a second in my head...kind of like a head rush or adrenaline. This is a mild side-effect and always occurs when I'm on my meds. I guess it just feel more pronounced today. Too bad it takes 2 weeks of taking them every day for them to kick in....so I suppose my chemicals will be out of whack...again...the next few days.
Speaking of which, I had to call my therapist this morning and explain that my wife lost her job and our medical benefits are in flux and I can no longer pay for my weekly sessions right now. Maybe when my wife gets a new job, or I can sign up for benefits at my job (*sigh) I can go again....but for the forseeable future, I'm on my own.
I really didn't want to go to work today. I really wanted to stay home, play with my dog, work on my models and just take a personal day. Instead, I came in this morning and asked for Friday off and it was granted. I have enough vacation time saved up...Lord knows we can't afford to go anywhere.
I have a gift certifcate to the movies, so I may treat myself to Thor in the afternoon.
May 09, 2011
Flat Tire #2
Last week, my Wed. was shot to heck by an unexpected flat tire. I was originally scheduled to have last Friday off, but since I spent the majority of the day waiting for my tire to get fixed, I had to swap out my vacation day for Wed. instead.
Well, as luck...or lack of luck would have it, I awoke this morning to now find my left front tire flat. Are you kidding me? That's 2 flat tires within 5 days! I didn't drive my car yesterday, so if it happened, it had to have happened on Saturday as I did some chores around town as trouble for my efforts got a slow leaking puncture.
The nice thing was my boss was understanding when I called (personally I'm glad I have a phone that can take pictures to prove it just in case), because I'm not sure I would have believed me if I were in her shoes.
The other good thing is I think the guy at the tire store felt pity for me from last Wed., because he patched this one at no charge, and I was on my way within 45 minutes. But he did show me that all 4 of my tires (each are 3.5 years old) were soon to be replaced, and it would roughly cost me $450 to get all done in the future...great.
In other news, I've been off my meds for over a week now. I just keep forgetting to take them....plain and simple.
Yesterday, my wife had a mini-melt down of her own. I know this may sound bad coming from me (who is supposed to be sensitive to her and loving and caring), but in a way, I was kinda glad to see it. Not that she was hurting per-se, but the fact that there are some 'feelings' within her, and it just isn't me that makes her upset. Her own mother asked some questions to her, and I'm pretty sure my wife was not expecting to be put on the spot and face reality.
I stayed out of it and actually removed myself from the situation altogether. It boils down to my mother-in-law asked my wife what her priorities were these days, now that's she's not working. She told my wife to watch her money, not to spend/blow it, etc. etc. Although I agree 100%, I'm glad my M-I-L took it upon herself to interject, and nothing to do with me at all. I didn't bring it up, encourage it, nothing. I was a casual observer from the next room, but I was curious how my wife would react and handle herself....apparently not very well.
I eventually left for home and my wife stayed behind to talk with her own sister and brother-in-law and came home much later. My sister-in-law called me today to share what happened.
"Your wife....my sister....needs help."
Yes she does.
My S-I-L explained that my wife went on for the next few hours blaming everyone else for her woes...her mom, me, her ex co-workers who are 'conspiring' against her, but never once took responsibility for any of her actions. She's mad at me for some trivial things....things I didn't even know about. But my BIL and SIL came to my defense and said "How would he know...if you never told him?" And "Well Missy....you got a quite a few things you need to change as well, because they are questionable...at best." The bad news, however, is my wife doesn't think they are an issue with her....Again...it's everybody else (me included, and I've probably got the biggest chunk).
While both my SIL and BIl acknowledged that my wife may have 'some' points, they also told me they believe them to be either exaggerated to some extent, perhaps a little questionable, or at the very least, my wife 'believes' them to be true in her own mind.
But in the end, both my SIL and BIL expressed that she needs to help herself, admit to some of her own issues, and take some responsibility herself. While I am glad my sister in law called me up to tell me what's up, or what happened after I left, I'm not encouraged by the fact that my wife is STILL in a huge case of denial.
Not the way I wanted to end my day today. It's actually my wife's birthday today, and now I gotta go to a 'party' that her enabler friends put together and 'pretend' I'm so excited knowing my wife who just told me she "loved" me this morning (was it after the alcohol wore off maybe?)basically thinks I'm a lousy step-father and crappy husband to her sister and brother-in-law.
Yay me!
Well, as luck...or lack of luck would have it, I awoke this morning to now find my left front tire flat. Are you kidding me? That's 2 flat tires within 5 days! I didn't drive my car yesterday, so if it happened, it had to have happened on Saturday as I did some chores around town as trouble for my efforts got a slow leaking puncture.
The nice thing was my boss was understanding when I called (personally I'm glad I have a phone that can take pictures to prove it just in case), because I'm not sure I would have believed me if I were in her shoes.
The other good thing is I think the guy at the tire store felt pity for me from last Wed., because he patched this one at no charge, and I was on my way within 45 minutes. But he did show me that all 4 of my tires (each are 3.5 years old) were soon to be replaced, and it would roughly cost me $450 to get all done in the future...great.
In other news, I've been off my meds for over a week now. I just keep forgetting to take them....plain and simple.
Yesterday, my wife had a mini-melt down of her own. I know this may sound bad coming from me (who is supposed to be sensitive to her and loving and caring), but in a way, I was kinda glad to see it. Not that she was hurting per-se, but the fact that there are some 'feelings' within her, and it just isn't me that makes her upset. Her own mother asked some questions to her, and I'm pretty sure my wife was not expecting to be put on the spot and face reality.
I stayed out of it and actually removed myself from the situation altogether. It boils down to my mother-in-law asked my wife what her priorities were these days, now that's she's not working. She told my wife to watch her money, not to spend/blow it, etc. etc. Although I agree 100%, I'm glad my M-I-L took it upon herself to interject, and nothing to do with me at all. I didn't bring it up, encourage it, nothing. I was a casual observer from the next room, but I was curious how my wife would react and handle herself....apparently not very well.
I eventually left for home and my wife stayed behind to talk with her own sister and brother-in-law and came home much later. My sister-in-law called me today to share what happened.
"Your wife....my sister....needs help."
Yes she does.
My S-I-L explained that my wife went on for the next few hours blaming everyone else for her woes...her mom, me, her ex co-workers who are 'conspiring' against her, but never once took responsibility for any of her actions. She's mad at me for some trivial things....things I didn't even know about. But my BIL and SIL came to my defense and said "How would he know...if you never told him?" And "Well Missy....you got a quite a few things you need to change as well, because they are questionable...at best." The bad news, however, is my wife doesn't think they are an issue with her....Again...it's everybody else (me included, and I've probably got the biggest chunk).
While both my SIL and BIl acknowledged that my wife may have 'some' points, they also told me they believe them to be either exaggerated to some extent, perhaps a little questionable, or at the very least, my wife 'believes' them to be true in her own mind.
But in the end, both my SIL and BIL expressed that she needs to help herself, admit to some of her own issues, and take some responsibility herself. While I am glad my sister in law called me up to tell me what's up, or what happened after I left, I'm not encouraged by the fact that my wife is STILL in a huge case of denial.
Not the way I wanted to end my day today. It's actually my wife's birthday today, and now I gotta go to a 'party' that her enabler friends put together and 'pretend' I'm so excited knowing my wife who just told me she "loved" me this morning (was it after the alcohol wore off maybe?)basically thinks I'm a lousy step-father and crappy husband to her sister and brother-in-law.
Yay me!
May 06, 2011
On the brink (Part III)
I've been so busy with work and my mind has been going in so many different directions the last few days, I just can't seem to chronologically continue this recent episodic arc.
So instead of dragging this out for weeks on end (at my current pace of finding time to write), I'm just going to wrap this 'On the brink' continuing serial with the prominent highlights:
So instead of dragging this out for weeks on end (at my current pace of finding time to write), I'm just going to wrap this 'On the brink' continuing serial with the prominent highlights:
- I'm fogetting to take my pills on a daily basis: ergo, I can't even be sure right now if my mental state is stable because of the lingering medication, or something else.
- Just after I decided not to file papers against my wife, she got let go from her job of 11 years, thus we are down to my income and her on unemployment. So I exchanged one level of stress for another. Of course, our bills will now go up as her company used to pay both our home Internet and her cell phone. Now they don't. That's and increase of approx $120 a month on us to keep, and her income is less than half now based of EDD pay-outs.
- I talked my wife into going to church with me on Easter. She went, and Easter all around was okay.
- My 'new' cholesterol medicine is a bit strong and I've had a few allergic reactions to it to where the doctor has now also included me taking a Bayer aspirin at bedtime too, to offset side effects of cholesterol medicine.
- My 19 year old step daughter called my wife the other evening, and dropped a hint she wants to possibly move back in with us. Something I am not keen on as she was a huge source of drama in our house and a stressor to both my wife and myself. How do I put it nicely (I can't)....she was/is lazy and has an excuse for everything. It's my understanding that in the last 4 months, she has had to move at least 3 different times because she wasn't getting along with her room-mat at the time. Of course my daughter says it was 'never' her issues...Do you see a common denominator here? It's always 'someone elses' fault, never hers. So she possibly wants to move back so we can bail her out again? With what? My wife is now not working...so we are going to have two people not working in my house?
- Learned my cousin has stage 4 cancer and probably won't make it past next month.
- Last Saturday I went to a funeral of a family friend.
- Did I mention I'm under a lot of stress now? Yup, my sleeping patterns and relaxation are out the window right now. Wonder why?
- Earlier this week, I couldn't take it and just sat in my backyard and finished about .275ml of whisky by myself...not smart in hindsight...just wanted to be alone.
- On Wed., I got a flat tire on my way to work. Missed work all day to get it repaired and spent money we don't have and had to use a 'vacation' day (which wasn't a vacation).
- Because of my wife's lack of job, I have to cancel my appointments with my therapist. Can't afford to go to therapy anylonger on one income. My sessions were partially covered by my wife's health care plan, but not any longer. We have 90 days of COBRA, and then that's over.
Yup....pretty much sucks right now.
If you look at that list of crap, there is not one damn thing I can control or was a part of. Well, I suppose maybe my step-daughter....I can say 'No', but I won't. But her and I have to have a real 'heart-to-heart' talk if she thinks she's coming back. Things MUST change in that regard, and we must come to an agreement before she moves back in. No way in hell are things going to go back the way they were, with her loafing around all day long, not doing anything, copping an attitude and watching cartoons all day long while I'm at work providing for all of us. F___ that. And she's going to give me rent money, not her mom...because I'll never see any of it then.
May 02, 2011
On the brink (Part II)
As I stated on my last post, my going through with filing papers to initiate a divorce was halted at the eleventh hour.
I'd like to beleive that God finally gave me a sign, that He knew I was serious....seriously hurt, seriously doubting, seriously scared, seriously broken. I often wonder why God allows us all to continously go through stuff that we do. I don't know how many times I have heard from people that God only gives us as much as we can handle. I personally don't know how I feel about that statement or the underlying logic to it.
Different people have different breaking points. What seems like a hardship to one may seem trivial to another. I recall thinking (as mentioned in my last post), my life was about to enter a period of total chaos (although it is said almost 50% of American today experience divorce), but in the end I wasn't losing my life, or my world, like the people in Japan are currently suffering. Or like in Haiti last year, or Katrina a few years ago.
That fact alone is both humbling to me, and a cause of concern. I'm concerned because in the big picture of life my trials and tribulations do seem menial. But at the same time, do you know what it's like to live with a closet alcoholic? Do you know what it like to have full fledged depression? To wake up in the morning knowing a pill is waiting for you downstairs that 'may' balance out the chemicals in your head so you don't have thoughts of never waking up again? I do. And I'm not going to lie....depression sucks...and knowing God isn't a cure all for all people. I love God, I love Christ.....but that doesn't make me see rainbows everyday. Quite the contrary. I see evil, and corruption, and a sick world and a sick society all around me. I know people are destined for eternal condemnation, some even within my own family, and the task of trying to save those who don't want to be save is a daunting task.
So what else?
Well, I can tell you, it's not easy to remember my pills everyday. I was doing good for a while, but starting to forget again...like today....oh and yesterday. Great...just great. Doesn't do me any good if I keep forgetting, because according to the doctor and therapist, I'm supposed to take them every day to regulate my brain chemicals. Why can't I remember.
My mother-in-law contacted my mother just after this all went down a few weeks back. That's yet another reason I know my in-laws like me and care for me. They wanted to express their concerns and share with my parents (my dad already knew...I share with him more on these matters because my mom tends to over-react and then smother me and call me 20 times a day...I am her only son afterall).
The one thing I didn't expect was my mother-in-law to speak about my therapy. *Sigh*...Well, the cat is out of the bag now and of course my mom called me. Yes, I told her....your son speaks with a therapist. I think my mom was a little shocked and taken aback. I'm sure she thinks everything is like a 1950's movie where I'm laying down on a couch talking to a guy with a pipe who nods occasionally and suggests electro-shock therapy.
I can tell my mom is curious and wants to dig more, buts she's handling me with kid gloves at the same time. I don't think she knows I take pills (when I remember), or anti-anxiety drugs when I suffer panic attacks. And I don't have the heart to tell her (or my father) that I used to have suicidal thoughts. I have a feeling my mom would think I am 'crazy' and either try to smother me more with her love or try to 'fix' me her own way....if it were that simple.
How do you tell a parent....one who loves you so much....that they did nothing wrong, but you have a chemical imbalance in your head? That you look at life differently than almost everybody else around you? That there are periods....that creep up unexpectantly and at odd times....that makes you want to cry uncontrolably, or run-away, or worse. That people around you are enjoying the simple day to day things, but you secretly walk around with a fake smile exposed to the outside world while within a dark thunder cloud clings to your soul.
People say they'll pray for you, to take the heartache and pain away...but if there is any respite, it's only temporary at best, and I know deep down inside my personal demons will most likely return.
Anyway, my mom now knows I see a therapist but is not 100% sure why. The curiosity I'm sure is killing her, but she has no idea to what extent and I assume she thinks it's just about my marriage, and maybe a bad day at work here and there.
(To be continued)
I'd like to beleive that God finally gave me a sign, that He knew I was serious....seriously hurt, seriously doubting, seriously scared, seriously broken. I often wonder why God allows us all to continously go through stuff that we do. I don't know how many times I have heard from people that God only gives us as much as we can handle. I personally don't know how I feel about that statement or the underlying logic to it.
Different people have different breaking points. What seems like a hardship to one may seem trivial to another. I recall thinking (as mentioned in my last post), my life was about to enter a period of total chaos (although it is said almost 50% of American today experience divorce), but in the end I wasn't losing my life, or my world, like the people in Japan are currently suffering. Or like in Haiti last year, or Katrina a few years ago.
That fact alone is both humbling to me, and a cause of concern. I'm concerned because in the big picture of life my trials and tribulations do seem menial. But at the same time, do you know what it's like to live with a closet alcoholic? Do you know what it like to have full fledged depression? To wake up in the morning knowing a pill is waiting for you downstairs that 'may' balance out the chemicals in your head so you don't have thoughts of never waking up again? I do. And I'm not going to lie....depression sucks...and knowing God isn't a cure all for all people. I love God, I love Christ.....but that doesn't make me see rainbows everyday. Quite the contrary. I see evil, and corruption, and a sick world and a sick society all around me. I know people are destined for eternal condemnation, some even within my own family, and the task of trying to save those who don't want to be save is a daunting task.
So what else?
Well, I can tell you, it's not easy to remember my pills everyday. I was doing good for a while, but starting to forget again...like today....oh and yesterday. Great...just great. Doesn't do me any good if I keep forgetting, because according to the doctor and therapist, I'm supposed to take them every day to regulate my brain chemicals. Why can't I remember.
My mother-in-law contacted my mother just after this all went down a few weeks back. That's yet another reason I know my in-laws like me and care for me. They wanted to express their concerns and share with my parents (my dad already knew...I share with him more on these matters because my mom tends to over-react and then smother me and call me 20 times a day...I am her only son afterall).
The one thing I didn't expect was my mother-in-law to speak about my therapy. *Sigh*...Well, the cat is out of the bag now and of course my mom called me. Yes, I told her....your son speaks with a therapist. I think my mom was a little shocked and taken aback. I'm sure she thinks everything is like a 1950's movie where I'm laying down on a couch talking to a guy with a pipe who nods occasionally and suggests electro-shock therapy.
I can tell my mom is curious and wants to dig more, buts she's handling me with kid gloves at the same time. I don't think she knows I take pills (when I remember), or anti-anxiety drugs when I suffer panic attacks. And I don't have the heart to tell her (or my father) that I used to have suicidal thoughts. I have a feeling my mom would think I am 'crazy' and either try to smother me more with her love or try to 'fix' me her own way....if it were that simple.
How do you tell a parent....one who loves you so much....that they did nothing wrong, but you have a chemical imbalance in your head? That you look at life differently than almost everybody else around you? That there are periods....that creep up unexpectantly and at odd times....that makes you want to cry uncontrolably, or run-away, or worse. That people around you are enjoying the simple day to day things, but you secretly walk around with a fake smile exposed to the outside world while within a dark thunder cloud clings to your soul.
People say they'll pray for you, to take the heartache and pain away...but if there is any respite, it's only temporary at best, and I know deep down inside my personal demons will most likely return.
Anyway, my mom now knows I see a therapist but is not 100% sure why. The curiosity I'm sure is killing her, but she has no idea to what extent and I assume she thinks it's just about my marriage, and maybe a bad day at work here and there.
(To be continued)
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