30 Day Chip

Friday night I went to Celebrate Recovery, and I'm glad I did.

I knew I had a big day ahead of me on Saturday, so it was kinda of a blessing that I didn't have many options open for Friday night.  Although it was nice to have one of the neighbors come down and invite me to go night fishing at the lake in town.  If I didn't already have plans to go to Celebrate, I would have joined him just to get out.

Instead I went to Celebrate and got my 30 Day co-dependancy chip.  It's actually more than 30 days, but I skipped last week because of my hike.  Anyway, the chip signals that I've taken the steps to live a life 'free' from co-dependancy.

Am I completely free?  No.  But I do know I make improvements everyday and my life isn't as dark as it was two months ago.

It is ironic though that when I got home that evening and got ready for bed, my wife texted me: "I miss you!!"

Are you proud of me that I looked at it...digested it for what it was...and didn't respond?  Today is Monday, and I still haven't responded.  To me, actions speak louder than words and when I had to send an electronic check yesterday for the 2nd installment of my property taxes (after cashing in vacation days), it just became clear that my wife's words are hollow.  She said she missed me just one day after crucifying her childhood friend and accusing her of wanting me.  Nope...not gonna play that.

Even though I kinda wanted to respond, I just chose not to.  Any response to my wife would have given her the satisifaction that she is still 'affecting' me, and even though she may be, she doesn't need to know that or gain any power over me,  Instead, I packed yet another box of her 'stuff' and put it in the spare bedroom, counting the days down (8 left days today) that she doesn't respond to my papers.

I spent Mothers Day with my mother yesterday.  It was quiet for the most part.  Just her, my father, and me.  The first time in 8 or 9 years we didn't go over to my SIL's house...and while I miss them and would have liked to have spent some time with them, I was happy not to sit in traffic for the first time in years...as were my own parents.

I did however send my MIL a card, and left her a voice message yesterday, in which she wrote me a gracious email back last night thanking me and continuing her support.

My wife stayed put, in her new base of operations, spending the day with her roommate.  It didn't go un-noticed that she did not drive down to be with her daughter who had the day off.  But perhaps, just perhaps, my wife's finances are catching up to her and she's realizing that she is indeed running out of funds and needs to save as much as she can now realizing that the government may not be sending her anymore checks.

In other news, I spent a wonderful day on Saturday with my friend who flew out for a wedding.  We spent the whole day together and came to discover that we have much more in common than we ever thought.  It was nice that a few other school friends of ours were able to meet us for a mid-afternoon relaxation and social gathering with live music at a place on the beach.  Long story short, we were both shocked that the day went by so fast, and it was 9:30pm before we knew it.  I dropped my friend off at the place she was staying and came home and went back to bed....exhausted.

She starts work next week and plans on saving up enough to move back to the area at the end of the year.  I think the weekend really soldified it for her....not just because of me (I don't expect that), but you could tell she really missed her hometown, and was so happy (and felt welcome) when our other childhood friends showed up.  At one point she got very emotional (something I really liked to see...someone vulnerable and with feelings for a change) about the day.  It really touched me and I knew that these are the type of genuine emotions I want to see in someone...that she appreciates friends, and family, and warmth, and all the psoitive stuff, and isn't afraid to show it.  That is as opposed to someone who has walled themselves off for years, never allowing anyone to see any cracks and doesn't really radiate warmth anylonger. (Sorry...that's kinda rude and demeaning...but it's also the facts).

So I'm starting off this week in a postive direction for the first time in a long while.  So much so, I just realized I even forgot to take my medication this morning...and I feel fine!