I generally don't take a lot of time of work. Probably because most of the time I don't know what to do with myself during the day since everyone else is working as well. That's one of the reasons I accrue my maximum allotment of vacation hours (120 a year), and I'm right up against that line right now.
I have been having some mental and emotional troubles this past week. With all signs pointing to the end of my legal nuptials any day know, I can't help the fact that some forcefully buried emotions are seemingly bubbling their way back to the top.
It also doesn't help I quit my medication again last week (it's been 8 days now). I should not have quit until this was all over...signed, sealed, and delivered. I should also have weaned myself off my Citropram over the course of a few weeks, but like an idiot I quit cold turkey.
This past week, my emotions have flip-flopped so many times and my moods are in so much flux (at least I am smart enough to both be aware of it and why it is happening), I can only offer advice to those of you on similar medications....DO NOT QUIT COLD TURKEY. Do what your Dr. tells you to do, don't think you can wing it on your own. I'm telling you out of my own rocky experience...it is not fun. I have found myself quite agitated at times, tense at others. I have been short with people, and my body has been sore (from tension). I have suffered a few headaches, and I feel the anger in a pool deep down inside.
My wife threw yet another 11th hour twist into things that set me off edge earlier this week. Just when I thought we had a tentative agreement, I received document from her lawyer to review and sign, and 'lo and behold, they tried to sneak (yes, they TRIED to sneak in) another Credit Card in the tune of $2900 that is in her name as one of my responsibilities. Really? REALLY? I'm so glad I caught it and read the 20 page document over. No way am I signing this. Yet again, she has gone back on her word.
Needless to say it took all of my energy not to go postal, and even then I wasn't 100% successful. I whipped myself up into so much of a tizzy, I gave myself a migraine. I could no longer concentrate at work. The day went on incredibly slow and I was fighting back tears of...RAGE...for yet another blatant snafu.
I had to call in and take a personal day yesterday.
Although I couldn't sleep in, I needed a day away from work. Away from annoying employees, and coworkers. I needed to seriously decompress and relax. I knew if I came into work, it would be just a matter of when, not 'if', I was going to blow up at someone, or say something I regretted.
I watched TV, I played a video game, I went to the gym, I watched football, I cleaned my garage, and probably the most satisfying thing I did: I disposed of 'crap' that was taking up space in the garage that didn't belong to me. Just junk....1/2 used candles, Anniversary cards with hollow words, broken decorations that have been kept in boxes for years with no purpose. I tossed it. I practially filled up a 80 gallon recyclable trash receptacle and made a lot more room. For every item I tossed, it would be one less item I will ever come across again and be reminded of things I do not wish to remember.
The last thing I remember last night is walking upstairs to go to bed. I don't recall getting in bed, nor do I recall any thoughts prior to falling asleep.
Almost there.
September 27, 2013
September 20, 2013
90% there
There's been a flurry of activity over the past 48 hours, and I've been waiting both nervously and optomistically for an email any minute from my lawyer today.
It appears, and I say this with extreme caution, that my wife and I may have reached a tentative agreement.
This will allow me to keep my dog (I believe she didn't really want him anyway, just using him as emotional leverage), my boyhood collections, and most of everything I wanted to begin with. Yes, there will be a few sacrifices of objects I paid for, but they can all be replaced with brand new ones in time.
It appears we have one last sticking point, and my lawyer is doing his best to negotiate this the best he can. When I know more, or get word bag, I will update.
That being said, this last attempted push at settling before we go to court has me experiencing mutliple emotions all at once.
This morning I awoke at 4:40am, only because I beleive my mind cannot turn off in anticipation of what may happen, and this may finally be over.
I am angry and sad. I am nervous, anxious, and uptight. My body is rejecting food right now as evidence by my numerous trips to the restroom.
In speaking with some friends, they all believe I am getting a good deal and started to congratulate me, but I have been very outspoken to them is stating "A failure of a marriage is nothing to celebrate" even if thins are looking up for me. I still lost a lot. Perhaps not in objects, but I lost a lot if broken friendships, the loss of a family, and 10 years of my life I can not get back. The chances of falling in love again will probably always be met with a certain hesitation and skepticism. The vetting process of a new spouse will be much more arduous and thorough. I will need to consider things like their financial standings, their spirituality, how they treat their parents and children and friends. I will need to study their motivations....not just in looking for love, but how they view their work and their everyday outlook of the mundane. Study their priorities...Are they looking for a husband, a life partner, or someone who will just be a financial security blanket.
This process has been long, and hard, and emotional. I do feel as if I have aged a good 5 years over the last 2 years. I can't tell you how much sleep I have lost, how many tears have trailed down my cheeks, how many times I wanted to turn to a bottle or run away, how many prayers I have said on my knees pleading to my Lord who at times seem to be slow to answer or silent altogether.
That in itself has been both a teaching and lesson in faith. I endure because of my belief in a God who wants to restore us although at times I felt completely alone and even angry at Him. I still pray to Him even if the results aren't what I was hoping for or expecting.
I am hoping that sometime over the next 48 hours I will know the outcome and I can finally begin to shut this chapter, take a much needed restorative breath and break, and begin a new chapter in my life in the weeks ahead.
It appears, and I say this with extreme caution, that my wife and I may have reached a tentative agreement.
This will allow me to keep my dog (I believe she didn't really want him anyway, just using him as emotional leverage), my boyhood collections, and most of everything I wanted to begin with. Yes, there will be a few sacrifices of objects I paid for, but they can all be replaced with brand new ones in time.
It appears we have one last sticking point, and my lawyer is doing his best to negotiate this the best he can. When I know more, or get word bag, I will update.
That being said, this last attempted push at settling before we go to court has me experiencing mutliple emotions all at once.
This morning I awoke at 4:40am, only because I beleive my mind cannot turn off in anticipation of what may happen, and this may finally be over.
I am angry and sad. I am nervous, anxious, and uptight. My body is rejecting food right now as evidence by my numerous trips to the restroom.
In speaking with some friends, they all believe I am getting a good deal and started to congratulate me, but I have been very outspoken to them is stating "A failure of a marriage is nothing to celebrate" even if thins are looking up for me. I still lost a lot. Perhaps not in objects, but I lost a lot if broken friendships, the loss of a family, and 10 years of my life I can not get back. The chances of falling in love again will probably always be met with a certain hesitation and skepticism. The vetting process of a new spouse will be much more arduous and thorough. I will need to consider things like their financial standings, their spirituality, how they treat their parents and children and friends. I will need to study their motivations....not just in looking for love, but how they view their work and their everyday outlook of the mundane. Study their priorities...Are they looking for a husband, a life partner, or someone who will just be a financial security blanket.
This process has been long, and hard, and emotional. I do feel as if I have aged a good 5 years over the last 2 years. I can't tell you how much sleep I have lost, how many tears have trailed down my cheeks, how many times I wanted to turn to a bottle or run away, how many prayers I have said on my knees pleading to my Lord who at times seem to be slow to answer or silent altogether.
That in itself has been both a teaching and lesson in faith. I endure because of my belief in a God who wants to restore us although at times I felt completely alone and even angry at Him. I still pray to Him even if the results aren't what I was hoping for or expecting.
I am hoping that sometime over the next 48 hours I will know the outcome and I can finally begin to shut this chapter, take a much needed restorative breath and break, and begin a new chapter in my life in the weeks ahead.
September 12, 2013
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed.
I dunno why, but I awoke feeling a bit agitated this morning at 4:44am this morning. Although I had a few 'twilight' relapses back to the land of slumber, I still feel agitated and 'off' right now.
There was a couple of days I forgot to take my medication, but I've been on track the last three days I believe.
The temperatures were hot last week, my house maintaining a downstairs temperature of 85 degrees even at 10pm at night with all the windows open. That made my bedroom closer to 90 for a few nights. I either slept on the couch, or broke down and turned on the air conditioner and listen to it strain for hours on end, trying to keep the temp to 78.
I did bounce a check yesterday which made me mad. I keep forgetting about these automatic with drawls I have set up electronically, and yesterday two of the e-payments snuck up on me and bit me in the ass costing me $50 in banking penalties. But that shouldn't make me feel the way I do right now.
My 95 year old grandfather was released from the rehabilitation center he was staying at the last two months after he broke his shoulder and is back home. I went up there last Saturday with my mother (her dad) and spent quite a bit of the afternoon getting him settled back in and discussing his various financial issues he needs to take care of now that his life is winding down.
There has been no news on the divorce front. That's a mixed blessing. I have not incurred any additional costs this last month, nor have I had to listen to anymore false claims and made up stories from her. However, the dreams have started again. After a period of mental peace, I had two dreams this past week....both revolving around different aspects of my divorce...primarily about 'fairweather' friends, or the loss of certain relationships with various people over all this. There are some days it irks me more than others. Probably because I have too much time one my hands at night and I allow for things to simmer and percolate in my head.
Whatever the reason, I just know I'm a bit agitated today.
There was a couple of days I forgot to take my medication, but I've been on track the last three days I believe.
The temperatures were hot last week, my house maintaining a downstairs temperature of 85 degrees even at 10pm at night with all the windows open. That made my bedroom closer to 90 for a few nights. I either slept on the couch, or broke down and turned on the air conditioner and listen to it strain for hours on end, trying to keep the temp to 78.
I did bounce a check yesterday which made me mad. I keep forgetting about these automatic with drawls I have set up electronically, and yesterday two of the e-payments snuck up on me and bit me in the ass costing me $50 in banking penalties. But that shouldn't make me feel the way I do right now.
My 95 year old grandfather was released from the rehabilitation center he was staying at the last two months after he broke his shoulder and is back home. I went up there last Saturday with my mother (her dad) and spent quite a bit of the afternoon getting him settled back in and discussing his various financial issues he needs to take care of now that his life is winding down.
There has been no news on the divorce front. That's a mixed blessing. I have not incurred any additional costs this last month, nor have I had to listen to anymore false claims and made up stories from her. However, the dreams have started again. After a period of mental peace, I had two dreams this past week....both revolving around different aspects of my divorce...primarily about 'fairweather' friends, or the loss of certain relationships with various people over all this. There are some days it irks me more than others. Probably because I have too much time one my hands at night and I allow for things to simmer and percolate in my head.
Whatever the reason, I just know I'm a bit agitated today.
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