Quelling my feelings of anger and hatred

"Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ." - Philippians 4: 5-7

I'm not sure why, but yesterday, as yet another day at my new job came to a close, I began to reflect on my previous job of 10 years, and the few months of mental anguish that followed.

I miss that job, but I often complained even to myself that I was feeling complacent and unheard and it was getting to me. Not the job itself, but the politics and some individuals I had to interact with daily. I enjoy what I do immensly, but I have never had the gift of patience or backing down from people when decisions don't make sense. I truly believe God opened the door for that opportunity, but perhaps it was my hard-headeness, anger, and sometimes hatred that led to my downfall. Perhaps it was my depression that led to my anger and unhappiness there, or maybe the decisions and spirtual conflict I was having there intensified my depression.

There are two overall themes I wanted to discuss here, and while seperate, are also intertwined: Letting go of personal control to God, and harboring anger and resentment.

From a non-spiritual standpoint, its pretty well documented that negative emotions can take a toll on ones health. From physical health to mental health, anger and anxiousness can lead to insomnia, violence, ulcers, depressions, high blood pressure, stress, heart disease, etc., etc. Funny how we can look at this as logical and fact, but when it consumes us as individuals, it is hard to overcome, let go, and become one with peace and forgiveness. I think Christ instructed us not only to forgive because it was pleasing to Him and God for our spiritual development, but He also knew that not being able to let go and letting issues fester inside of us led to our physical and mental shortcommings as well.

Being not in control and letting it consume us is a result and side effect of fear. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown. Will I be able to provide for my family? Do I feel secure? Can I get along with others? Will God keep his promise to replace what has been taken away with something better? That in and of itself is a double edge sword. On one side I pray that God knows best and will my faith to believe His followers fall under His protection and He will look out for us. On the flip side, it is my fear that questions how did I allow things to spiral out of control to begin with? Why can't I let go? Why can't I be at peace? How will I know I can secure my place in life, and provide for my family? God may call me home tomorrow, and I while I look forward to that peace, I as a mortal also wonder about the foundations of my family. Will they survive and move on in peace? Will they be secure when I am gone? That I do not know. I can only pray and have faith that they will, but my faith is not 100%, lest I not fear to begin with.

Then there is Hatred. Not the type of hatred you have for that unfavorite vegetable, or a flat tire, or long lines at an amusement park. Hatred towards my fellow man. Yes, I may dislike or even hate terrorism, but those are feelings of 'hate' towards a general concept or ideology. I can't think of many thing I truly, deep down hate, but there are some individuals I say fearfully in Gods eye that I do, and I pray I can overcome. There is one individual that for whatever reason God has allowed in my life. Was it a test? Did God want to see if I could overcome? Did God want to point out to me my own insecurities and shortcommings so that I could recognize them on my own and draw myself closer to him? Knowing that I have an issue with control, did God want to teach me forgiveness and love at its base level? The questions go on and on, and I believe I have failed so far. Perhaps time will soften my heart, and this is a very long and drawn out life lesson that plagues me daily until I relinquish all control of my life to Him.

I pray daily that God lifts me out of hatred of this individual and delivers me from this spiritual chaos and allow me to feel comfort and peace. I believe He would say that He has already answered that prayer, but I am too stubborn to hear it, to let go, and to trust in Him. I feel that this person wronged me. I feel that this person manipulated me and those around me to his benefit and my demise. I feel that this person had spiritual warfare with me, and no one else recognized it. So God asked me to pray about it and relinquish control, or He would remove me from the situation.

Needless to say God has removed me from the situation, and while I should be happy, I am not for my bitterness still wells up inside me. Philipians says to 'be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer'.

I am continously anxious. I continously dwell on the past....what should I have done differently? Why can I not let go? Why can I not recognize that God is indeed in control and loves us all, and wants not for us to suffer spiritual, physcially, and mentally?

Jesus, I pray yet again to give me the strength to throw off my own blinders and schackles. That I learn yet again that hatred is for the poor in spirit, and I can only find peace through forgiveness and moving on, not mired in the chaos of the past. I pray that you protect my mind and my heart, and through me, Your spirit pours forth onto others as a lesson for change and control.

A day of festering

Yesterday, I forgot to take my morning pill.

I don't always forget to take my pill, but there are mornings when I'm in a rush or I'm still shaking the cobwebs out of my skull that I walk out the door without downing my pill. It's not on purpose, I honestly do forget, even if I place the whole bottle on the kitchen counter.

Anyway it was one of the days yesterday...a typical Monday. There are a few people I work with that aren't overly cooperative. Actually one individual, while I find very nice on the outside, when it comes to work is very evasive and easily passes the buck. Since I am low man on the totem pole, I often find that the problem issues get dumped on me. I more or less recently figured out I am the 'grunt', the guy to do the least favorite or least easy of all the jobs.

In one way, I don't really mind because I am happy to be working, and I do get to move around. However, I do get irritated when I know that I am being taken advantage of, especially when others prove to be very lazy.

There was an incident that defined this yesterday and as I sat on the phone listening to my directives, I knew I was getting irritated. Irritated to the fact I slammed the phone down when I was done realizing I had to go do grunt work yet again that could easily be done by anybody, and even though I was the furthest person away from the solution, this person gave it to me.

There's a story somewhere in the New Testament in which these guys toil all day long outside in the fields, and these other workers show up for the last hour of work and at the end of the day they are all paid the same amount of talents. The workers that worked all day long began to complain: "This is unfair. Why should they make the same amount as us when they worked so little?" The outcome was basically the lesson: Don't worry about others, worry about yourself, in the end, God is just and we don't know the whole story.

While I understand the concept, it doesn't make it any easier for me to wrap my head around and move on, worrying only about myself and giving thanks to God that I am at least working. Yes, things are unfair at times and people take advantage of me, but God wants me to put those thoughts of frustration and anger out of my head. They can only fester and lead to further resentment and all I am doing is poisoning myself in the end.

I eventually got over this, at least for the time being, and took my dog for a walk later in the evening. I do it for him, to get his exercise, and I guess a side effect is the 20-30 minutes I spend alone with my thoughts praying to God as my best friend and I do our routine. I started to think about death again last night. Not mine, but that of my parents and I began to cry. I cried because I was sad and wondered what kind of effect this will eventually have on me. This scares me deeply. While I do believe my parents will find joy and eternal peace, I am not sure I can cope. I pictured myself saying goodbye to my father and told him to wait for me, because I will see him soon. Is that because once my parents die I will lose the will to live for myself? I shudder to think how people move on when a loved one dies.

My connection and feelings for my parents are deep. When all else fails here on earth, they are there for me and I know their love is true. I am embarrassed to say that sometimes I do place them before God and I often feel a security with them that I have yet to experience from the church. That bothers me a lot. For once they are gone, I am afraid that feeling of security and love cannot and will not be replaced until I die.

Why, oh why dear Jesus do I not feel strong enough for you to fill that void even though that day has yet to come?

Solitude - The missing ingrediant

In Genesis we learn of the creation of this planet, and of man. God had deemed that Adam not be alone, but to have a partner, a companion, a mate to help rule over his creation and to share with one another.

I like the idea that God forseen man's basic need to communicate with other humans. To interact, to talk to one another, to help. But we all need our alone time. Whether it be from stressful situations where we just need to rest, or to collect ones own thoughts, or reflect on the days events, or just talking to God.

People laugh or thinks its strange that I can go to a movie theatre alone. I'm not sure why. During the movie, people usually don't talk to each other anyway and they are looking forward at the screen. Sometimes I relish these moments. I'm relaxed and I'm quite fine being alone. I also like to read. I read a lot and that doesn't require anybody else in the room fro me to lose myself in a good book.

Perhaps it is because I am an only child. I learned how to entertain myself. I didn't have any imaginary friends that I spoke to in my mind. And while I did enjoy having friends and being around people, I was just as content being alone in my own little world. Maybe too much so.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. The only thing that scares me about being alone is when I get older and close to death. I don't want to die alone. I don't want some neighbor to come check on me after I haven't emerged from my domicile after a few days to find me sprawled out on the floor starting to stink and attract flies.

When it comes to my mindset, I've also been thinking of being alone too. Not that I want to lead the life of a hermit or recluse, but to take time off from all the noise and drama around me.

I often imagine packing up my car and driving off to destinations unknown and being out in nature, only myself.

I picture laying down in the desert at night, looking up at the countless stars feeling the cool air about me and listening to crickets and wildlife. How many stars are there? How old are they? How much history have they seen?

I picture myself sitting near a babbling brooke in the middle of some midwestern state, watching the waves of grain sway to a soft wind, the warmth of the sun on my arms and face, the occasional majestic bird flying by. Is he watching me?

I imagine being near an abandoned mediterranean village, the smells of distant spiced fare and an exotic drink in my hand. Is someone cooking for a lost one waiting for their loved one to come home?

I lean back in the sand watching the sun set over the ocean. I stare at the colors of the sky as they change and watch the clouds float by. I hear the crashing of the waves, one by one, nonstop. Does the ocean, teaming with life, know that I am alone and that I am watching her? Does she welcome me with open arms, proud that I stare in wonderment of her power and peace?

No man-made noise. No one to bother me. No stupid questions, no pitiful drama. Just nature the way God has created it. Just me feeling the beat of my own heart, concentrating on my regulated breathing, closing my eyes and allowing my senses to identify where I am and what I mean to this planet and to God's plan for me.

Depression - Pills (Part 4)

It seemed like a long walk into the neighborhood drug store. Only minutes before I had to collect my wits about me as I walked out of my doctors office feeling ashamed and embarrased and scared. Scared on what my wife and family may think of me, moreso my wife....would she want to stay with a mentally flawed person? Standing at the altar just a few years ago, we vowed "For better or for worse. In sickness and in health." Well, I guess we'll find out. I don't want them to look at me diffrently, or treat me differently, or tip toe around me, or talk about me behind my back.

I handed in my scripts and sat in the waiting area, once again, doing just yet another sojourn in a repetitive reflectiveness of my life in mere minutes. That is to say, I can't help now but think everyday, and many times a day at this point, what is going on in my brain. Why are my emotions all over the place. Emotions and the capacity to have them are said to be a blessing and a gift from God. I'll be honest, there are times I don't want the gift. The gift sometimes hurts, and it hurts bad. There is a saying about looking at life through rose-colored glasses. Once in a blue moon, I get a glimpse of that scene, but most of the time I'm not sure what I see anymore. My vision is not cloudy or obscured.....I just see...and take no real note of anything in particular. It sometimes reminds me of that movie 'Groundhog Day', where events just repeat over and over. I think the common term is being in a 'rut'. I feel like that a lot...one day after another...a slow march to eventual death where I can finally be free to soar like Jesus would like for all his children. It as if my soul is contained in this fleshly prison, poisoned over and over by the temptations of the world, the broken promises of friends, the enemies affect on my surroundings, and the quizicle looks from loved ones.

I take the pills home, and take the Clonzapen first. The effects are to calm one down....to ease the physical tension that grips my chest like a vice. The doctor explained it as having the effects of a stiff drink or a mild tranquilizer. Let me say they work. It takes about 10 to 15 minutes to kick in, but soon my body responded to a more relaxed state. The Lexapro is to be taken daily, and takes upwards of two weeks for the body to fully integrate. Its job is to help produce the seratonin, or 'happiness hormone' that may be out of balance or deficient in my brain. Imagine....perhaps some synapse inside my head has malfunctioned and is no longer firing correctly. Or maybe my brain is not producing seratonin like it once did thus leading to a state of dread.

Funny that I can look at this and type this with a scientific approach. I understand the science behind this...I can comprehend electrochemical changes in the head. I've been told I'm an intelligent person, and I grasp things and concepts faster that most people. God has definitely blessed me with a brain. By no means am I mensa material, but I know that I'm smart. That reminds me of what the doctor also asked me about.....am I easily distracted? Does my mind feel restless?

Yes. But I'm not sure in a truly negative way. My mind often races with thoughts and scenarios. I can juggle multiple books at a time, I can very easily mulititask. I had to sit and concentrate on his question and think hard. The answer: Yes, doctor....my mind always seems to be going 100 miles an hour. As a matter of fact, now that I think about it....I want that to stop. I want to relax. I want to take a deep breath and I want to stare at the sky and have no other thoughts. I want it to be quiet for once. I'd like to know what that is like, and now I cannot even remember if I ever was like that once before? Was my mind always racing? Was there ever a time whether it be 5 years ago, 10, 15....where I was satisfied with just 'being' and was I happy with simple thoughts? Was my mind always this complex and dreary but only recently did I come to recognize it? I do not know.

God allows things to happen. And we ask ourselves 'Why me?' I don't have an answer. Is this some cosmic test, that I will only learn the lesson after I have passed? Am I to suffer for years? A lifetime? Is it up to me to surrender completely unto him? Have I not already prayed about this? Have I not already let go? But I also recognize that God gave the gift of intelligence to others, namely doctors and chemists who have studied the brain and have created 'drugs' to help people like me.

Everything happens for a reason and according to His will.

I just wish someone would clue me in on what His will is for me, and why.

Unexpected words of encouragement

Sometimes people suprise you.

Just when you think all is always the same, someone's small unexpected gesture really moves you.

That happened to me yesterday.

It was my grandmothers birthday, and I felt obligated to give her a call, and I really wasn't looking forward to it.

I'm glad I did.

I have always loved my grandmother. However, the last few years I have allowed a small wall of indifference to erect between us. Perhaps I was the one who supplied the mortar and bricks. My grandmother can be somewhat one-sided. I don't believe her to be malicious or mean-spirited, but I have taken note the last few years of her stuborness nature and one dimensional way of perceiving and/or exaggerating events that make others feel like they always have to walk on egg-shells. She is 'always' right and throws the occasional self-pity party that I have learned to steel my emotions inward and grin and bear it. She is my grandmother afterall, and I was always taught to respect my elders and family, though I don't always agree why.

Perhaps my own personal demons and stories from other family members have clouded my judgement and perceptions and helped fuel the stringent attitude I have developed towards her. Through my recent self-revelations with the church I am becomming more and more aware of my prejudices, and I have developed strong feelings for certain people. Those feelings have not necessarily crossed over to anger or negativity, but indifference. The old saying 'Out of sight-out of mind.' I just don't want to deal with people and their drama anymore. I have my own drama that I ma dealing with, I don't want anyones else's to add to my own. I don't want to help anyone else right now....can't they see I am the one on edge recently? Can't they see I am the one that needs help right now? That I am one wise-crack away from losing it?

Christ says to love everbody as you want to be loved yourself. To learn to be patient...an on going struggle of mine. To be a good listener and gave sound advice. More importantly, Jesus has the power to soften one's heart, and I need my heart to be softened. I need to continue to learn forgiveness. He worked on Saul's heart, and Saul was in much worse shape than myself.

So here I was, calling my Grandmother to wish her a happy birthday, and I was wondering how long the call would be because I was preparing myself for a new 'woe is me' story. That story didn't come. Instead, my grandmother said she loved me....more than I could ever know...and that she prayed for me daily....for my hapiness. Perhaps she sensed my spirit is lacking as of late. She lamented that money doesn't mean squat, and that I had to live my life as a happy person. Because without hapiness then I am really not living my life. She spoke to me for 40 minutes! And the whole time telling me that I had to live life the way God intended it to be for all his children. Happy. I wasn't placed here to please everyone else and become everyone elses shoudler to cry on...that I was allowed to cry on others shoulders for once. I was the one who had to look in the mirror everyday as I got ready for work and ask myself "Are you happy today?"

I am not happy.

My happiness comes in spurts. Usually from the books I read, or the games Iplay, or the TV I watch, or the friends I have. I am learning to recognize that certain happy moments come from God directly, like when my dog greets me and wants to sit on my lap. When my wife occasionaly touches me unsolicted. When my father says 'he loves me' which rarely leaves his lips. When my mother slips me a card on occasion. Of course I am happy at those moments. I just wish there were more of them.

Before I knew it, my eyes were in tears on the phone from my grandmother. I had not heard her talk to me like that....in forever. She lent her support to me...in everything I do. She prays for me to be happy. I feel like such a schmuck to have been harboring the feeling I have....to let them fester inside me and taint me the way they have. I am not worthy, but by God's grace and love for me can I learn to forgive and forget and to move on and to love those who I allowed to affect me.

She prays for me to be happy.

Moved

Earlier this week I sinned. Well, I guess as we are born into this world of sin, we sin daily, but I'm aware of a specific issue in my life that warrants attention and I've been seeking God on numerous occassion to quell my temptations.

I think every person is tempted in everyway just as Jesus was, but today it's harder than ever to avoid and I personally think it takes more effort today than 100 years ago, 200o years ago or even longer to rise above it all. That doesn't make it easier to justify when we fall from grace, because God gives us the ultimate freedon of choice, and in the end, with the tools and knoweldge I have in Him and His word, I still stumble.

Why do I think it's harder today? Technology, plain and simple. Yes, the same sins are here today as they were in Christ's time and even before, but with technology we are bombarded more than ever daily in temptations of the world. Today we have televisions, movies, magazines, the internet, instant worldy communication...whereas 2000 years ago there were not as easily accessible or even invented ways to sin. The temptations while of still the same nature have become more sophisticated.

Take illicit images for example. Sure, there were drawings 2000 years ago, and man could 'draw' secular images but this took time and it took materials. Then came the camera, the first images were monochrome in color, expensive to produce and took time....while they did exist, they weren't neccesarily attainable by everyone. Then came the Poloroid...images that developed in mere minutes, but limited in disbursement. Today we have digital cameras, streaming video, camer phones, images can be printed and carried almost anywhere at anytime. Where the internet was not around 30 years ago, it is said today that internet pornography is one of the largest financial industries on the net. At any given time, with a few keystrokes, I can view any criteria of secular images fatser that my father could just a mere 30 years ago.

I digress. That was an example to illustrate my point.

Anyway, I realize that I am not as strong as I was hoping to be. I filled a void in my life temporarily, and really did not seek God to help quell my selfishness and deliver me from temptation. The problem is, I didn't really try to be stopped. The only person I was harming was myself, and now that it is over and done with, I cannot help but feel like self-conviction plagues me. Father, forgive me. I knew better, but I stand before you without a valid reason. My reasoning at best was selfish, to fulfill an immediate desire and not place my trust in you. Hopefully I am sorry and repentant, but suprisngly I wonder exactly how sorry is sorry enough or if I really am. I think I am because of self-loathing and the fact I've been thinking about it for a few days now.

Is this the Holy Spirit and my own conscious trying to talk to me? Is this why I am led to share with you today?

I feel comfort that Jesus surrouned himself with sinners. They were drawn to him, and he never shunned them like the Pharises. "Those without sin, cast the first stone". "Forgive them Father, for they do not undertsand what they do".

Even the most corrupt are loved and given the chance for redemption. Only His mercy, His love, His Grace, His blood... could do this for us. I know this in my heart to be true, so why in moments of worldliness do I turn my back on Him and His promises for me. No wonder they say hindsight is 20/20, because when you think of the past and have time to reflect, things can become clear if you allow the truth to shine through. But at times I walk in the dark, with blinders on, or even worse...with a bag over my head.

Father, I pray next time for the strength to remember who you are, and that you are with me, that you love me, and I that I wish to please you. Help remove the temptations from my life and the wickedness and bitterness from my heart.

Depression - Part 3 - Date with the Doctor

Now that my friend had left to go back home and my wife had went back to work, I had made an impromptu appointment with my general physcian.

As I sat in the waiting room filling out paperwork, my chest was sore and I was slightly scared. I had always heard that the symptoms of a heart attack started with a little numbness of the left arm and maybe a little twinge of pain, but it was my chest that was killing me, still just under my sternum, feeling a shortness of breath and unable to get comfortable.

Finally when the doctor came in to see me, I started to tell him how I physically felt and while I was speaking I could feel the water in my eyes starting to well up and before I knew it I just began spilling raw emotion. It felt as if weeks if not months of pent up energy began spilling out of my soul and I was unable to stop. I was overwhelmed with both feelings of relief and extreme embarrassment. Here I am, a large guy who usually keeps to himself is balling and babbling incoherently to the physcian who just sat back and listened. I give him a lot of props for his bedside manner. He just....listened...as I continued to pour out my inner grief and explained about my pain, my lack of sleep, my lack of breath.

He began to took my blood pressure, which was slightly elevated and concurred that I looked a little tired, distracted, and agitated. He spoke with me for a few minutes regarding the brain and chemicals inside it. He spoke to me about stress and diet. We spoke for 10 or 15 minutes as as I shyly regained my composure he gave me a few pieces of paper:

1. Prescriptions for Ambien to sleep.
2. Prescriptions for Clonzapen, to help alleviate the panic, pain in the chest, and to calm me down.
3. Lexapro, 5mg to help with seratonin levels.
4. Finally a referral to see a counselor.

I thanked him for the Kleenex, collected my scripts, and headed to the pharmacy.

What went through my head was: What am I going to tell my wife? My parents? Am I crazy? Am I losing it? Am I a candidate for a breakdown, or worse a heart attack? How will people perceive me now? Am I to become pill dependant? Is there something wrong with my head? Has my body stopped making essential chemicals? Am I more flawed than I once thought? Where is God in all this?

To be continued.....

Being 'Humbled' yet again

Taking yet another interlude from my background, an event happened last night which really made me reflect on the person I am, and made me feel uncomfortable enough to have me pray numerous times throughout the evening and is still weighing on my mind today.

As I stood in my driveway last night, a former co-worker of mine dropped by to say 'Hi', and as innocent as he was, he mentioned a rumor he had heard regarding me and my former employer.

You see, I was at a company that I really enjoyed for just over ten years. There really wasn't anything I disliked about it, except the last two years I had come into contact with a gentleman who would become my manager for a while and to put it mildly, we did not see things eye-to-eye. Factually, this person had issues with numerous people where many of them ended up leaving to other departments to get from under his abbrasive style, or kept their mouth shut and just continued to roll with the punches, and the punches came often.

That was always a hard pill for me to swallow, and perhaps God was giving me the opportunity to learn to be mindful of those in authority positions even if I disagreed with many of the decisions. Perhaps God was teaching me patience, and I was being deaf to the lesson, continuing to harbor resentment and dislike, something very unhealthy with numerous consequences.

I often prayed about my situation in regards to this person, asking God to remove him from my sphere, or grant me peace of mind. When I realized those thing weren't happening, I turned inward and asked for God to soften my heart to be a forgiving spirit. Yet I failed there as well. As time went on, I knew my heart was becomming hardened, my spirit uneasy, my hatred festering.

Looking back, I honestly believe that I, and I alone allowed this person to get under my skin, and that God had asked me to let go, but I have a problem letting go and with all the other issues happening in my life these feeling contributed immensly to my depression and insecurities. There was no way I was going to let this person steamroll me as I had watched him steamroll so many others.

I never understood why management recognized this person had issues and rubbed many a person the wrong way, yet continued to turn a blind eye. Unfortunately for me, this made my resolve even stronger. It was either him or me. And last night, I learned the reason why it was me.

I have always been a vocal, yet respectful person. However, I guess management felt that we would never get along no matter what steps they took.

I was eventually let go, under the assumption my position was just eliminated. I got a great severence package and nice letters of recommendation, but something always seemed wrong to me they way I was dissmissed. I took the high road, never caused a scene, but always suspected it had something to do with this individual, yet those that let me go swore up and down it wasn't. My reviews were always great, I was respected, and I knew my job and I kew it well, which is why when I was let go, I never quite understood the reasonings. Something didn't add up.

Well, bringing this back to last night, my former co-worker had let it slip that during a recent 'team building' exercise I had made some very pointed questions, and without mentioning names, everybody knew who I was talking about and I guess another manager felt I had crossed the line in my questioning.

To be honest, I can't recall exactly what I said, but I can imagine it was something to the effect on 'What do you do to resolve conflict with a person that management recognizes as an issue, but chooses to do nothing'. Truth is, that's exactly what was going on. Upper management knew and admitted to having issues with this person, but because he was management, they chose to look the other way, and my recogniztion of this whole tactic was making me an uneasy person.

I was losing respect for everyone because they would tell me that would handle it, and never would. This person was getting away with everything, and those like me, even though a hard worker and got along with everyone was being viewed as a potential trouble-maker.

I guess it was my line of innocent question at the team building exercise that led one manger to believe that I complained to much, and without even a warning, I guess it was decided behind closed doors that I would be 'let go' (not fired) in order to restore peace.

I have to say, I was very hurt and troubled about this. In one way, I am a happier person today because I don't have to interact with that person anymore, but I am very disapointed in those I though were my friends and could not have told me the truth or warned me.

That happened a few months ago and I thought I was over it. But that little tidbit of information last night brought back all that anger and frustration I had been asking God to remove from my heart and mind. In the end, I had to fall very hard before God picked me back up. And while he did indeed pick me back up, I do not feel 100% restored. I made certain sacrafices in my life, not all of them I care for, but it has opened my eyes to how indifferent I was towards those I felt who were unjust to me.

Today I am a contractor, I no longer have a guaranteed job, and a lot can change on a week to week basis, though I am thankful that God is providing. I make less money today than I did before, but maybe God is trying to point out to me there is more to life like health and hapiness than there is to money. Today I continue to pray for forgiveness and love for those I do not care for, but last night proved to me I still carry bitterness in my heart.

It has been a great test, one of emotion and strife, and I'm still not sure if I passed or not.

How can I enter the kingdom of heaven with this cancer of dislike, distrust, and ill-will on my heart.