Daydreaming for a reprieve

Last night, my mother was kind enough to come over and take me to dinner.  It wasn't anything fancy, just some fish tacos, ice tea, chips & salsa.  Afterwards we went to the pet store in town and she bought my little guy a new stuffed toy and a bag of dog food.  Hey it isn't much, but these days $20 is $20 and in lieu of the upcoming court stuff, I'm not going to refuse.

Although it does weigh on me a bit that my parents are helping me out at 42.  Mind you, I'm a hard worker and I'm generally good with money and very responsible.  I've made a lot of sacrifices these last few years...more so than I like...but I allowed myself and my wife to bite off a bit more than we could have chewed.  When the yellow flags went up some time back, I made a overt decision to cut back on things because I knew then that she would not.  Perhaps I was just prolonging the inevitable.

I try not to get angry.  I don't like being angry.  It doesn't get solve or help anything.  Doesn't change things.  Doesn't pay the bills.  At times I'm not even sure what the definition of anger is anymore.  Maybe I'm really feeling a combination of failure, stupidity, anxiety, and frustration.  Mix all those together under a small simmer for years and outcomes what feels like anger.

I told my mom what transpired earlier that day.  The phones calls and the texts which I ignored until I got off of work.  The car ride home I accepted my wifes call and at first she pleaded with me to reconsider a divorce...that she has 'changed'.  That I'm not giving her a chance now. 

Funny I thought I gave her years of chances that were neglected, dismissed, rejected, etc.  She is under the belief that the past 7 weeks of 'decent' behavior since check-in with the 'life-coach' now negates or sweeps under the run all of her prior responsibilities.  She's "sorry" now. 

Wasn't sorry a few months ago.  Wasn't sorry when she left.  Wasn't sorry when she went out drinking and having fun with her friends.   Wasn't sorry when she left her daughter, or threw away all the advice so many people gave her.

Okay enough of the broken record.

Anyway, her demeanor changed slightly on the phone when I wouldn't budge.  Then it became all about my faults.  Yes...in one ear and out the other for me.  I heard it all before.  Nothing new is being brought to the table.  She wants to come over this evening and get her mail.  I noticed she got a new magazine subscription and had it sent to the house.  Why?

Speaking of mail, she sent me a Halloween card that I retrieved from the mailbox yesterday.  It was a nice card, funny.  It was signed .  What timing, right?  But the thing is, I looked at the card and my gut instinct was torn on it.  Does she really mean it, or is this a hollow attempt to get on my good side?  It's kinda sad that I have to have that internal argument...is this card genuine or fake?  To be honest...I don't know, and now a day later, I still don't know.

She informed me that her unemployment has officially run out.  She is solely dependant on her cash only job now.  I have mixed feelings on that, and I'm not proud.  Part of me feels bad, but a small part of me only.  I'm not jumping up and down for joy....I take no glee in her financial heartaches....but I will admit the larger part of me feels like saying: "Well, Karma finally caught up.  Glad you had a lot of time goofing around and hope you had a lot of fun putting yourself first.  Now you can pay for yourself, for once, or you can become your parents burden for a while.  If they are okay for bailing you out , as usual, who am I to say otherwise."

Not only has her unemployment run out, and she chose to do nothing the past year and a half to correct it, next month my company's open enrollement for benefits is up.  I will not be signing her up.  The money I will save from that will go towards her bills she stuck me with.

After dinner my mom came back over to my house and we sat and talked for a bit.  Well, she did most of the talking.  She had to point out to me numerous examples of bad moments.  Some of them I actually forgot (or did I bury them and pretend they didn't happen?), but she wasn't wrong in any of them.  There they were again... a virtual pile of my wifes transgressions...whether directed towards me, her family, her daughter, the neighbors, or just stupid decisions that put her in the place she is now.  I had to be reminded that she did these things, I didn't.  She dug this hole even though I tried numerous times to take away the shovel.  Now she has to lay in it.

I feel anxious.  Anxious for the unkown I suppose.  What's going to be said or done this evening?  What will happen in the weeks ahead?  When will this be over?  When will these feelings of confusion and numbness stop?

Looks like it started.

The first series of phone calls with no messages has begun this afternoon, followed by texts asking me to pick up or return her calls.

The anxiety behind my sternum is building, my stomach is in knots, and I've had to excuse myself to the restroom once already for emergency relief.

I'm supposed to meet my mom after work today.  She has offered to take me to dinner in town, and this has already been planned prior to the calls and texts.

I must remain strong, and trust in the Lord and turn this over to Him for today, for it is Him that can grant me peace and gives me energy to make it through this day.

About to hit the fan

After some mind numbing and confusing back and forth with my lawyer the past few days, he finally provided me with a copy of a letter he sent to my wifes attorney today requesting that this is our second, and final, request that she fill out her PPD's and have them turned in by October 5th.

I know my wife has the day off today, so she will most likely get a message from her attorney today.  Why it took these extra two weeks, I have no clue, but needless to say these past 4 days (I only discussed one event with my BIL) I have dealt with my attorney, my BIL, my parents, and a surprise visit from my wife on Sunday (that did not end well).

No wonder I'm only averaging 4-5 hours of sleep per night (if I'm lucky).  Even this morning I woke at 3:15am and was up for at least a good hour before I fell back asleep  and my dog woke me up finally at 6.

I am so mentally tired from all this.  I do not wish this on anyone.  I am trying my hardest to remain calm, cordial, and focused....but my wife is making it hard.  She knows how to say just the right things to make me second guess all this, and at other times knows just what buttons to push to make me crack.

Between my parents, family, and closest friends....they are constantly re-grounding me and reminding me of the years and years of shennanigans based on her poor decisions, and left me to clean up the mess over and over again.

It's all true......but in my heart....and the commandment from my Lord....I need to stay strong and forgive.  I can forgive....forget is a different story.

Has she chanegd?

In many ways yes, but it's only been 7 weeks (or so) from her self-imposed "life coaching" symposium, or whatever it was.  Not sure 7 weeks of decent behavior, and 8 days of intense therapy negates years of mental abuse and crappy patterns I've been subject to.

So, I truly expect the proverbial _____ to hit the fan today.  Thank goodness I'm at work, but I wholly expect the fireworks to begin later today or tomorrow.  And of course, I forgot to take my meds again today (3 days now...I'm screwed).

I wish I could say this was the calm before the storm, but it's been pretty stormy already the last few days.

Standing in Parentheses

It's my fault I forgot to take my pills the last two mornings in a row...probably when I need them the most, now I need to start over.

The last 60 hours feels like I've been standing in the midst of a whirlwind in which I neglected to take a look at the weather report prior.

Friday night (21st) my BIL, who has not contacted me in anyway shape or form since late February decided to send me a text message shortly after 7pm saying he wishes to talk to me.  Strange.  He only sees me at family functions, and otherwise he normally doesn't reach out to me.  Years ago he asked me once to go camping with him and I declined for whatever reason and since then he really has not offered to do anything with me since.  I have asked him to a few various things over the years, and other than a Father's Day we hosted at my house, he's declined everytime. Despite that, I thought we had a decent relationship.  He seems like a good man, a good husband, and a caring father.  I would say he really does have a head on his shoulders, and I've never had anything bad to say about him.

During the events that took place back in February, he was a strong advocate for me and was fair, and very matter-of-factly.  I may not have agreed with everything he ever said, and sometimes thought he took a route of 'superiority' sometimes in his speaking, but he's a lawyer himself and I admired (past tense) the way he could get to the heart of things.

My internal yellow flag went up on Friday when I got his text.  I replied back "Sure, may I inquire as to why...please?"  After a few more minutes he responded that, again, he'd like to speak with me.  Okay....I got that...that was said in the opening text.  "Can you be more specific?" I replied?  I even called him on his cell phone since he apparently just texted me from it but 30 seconds ago.  He did not answer.  I got his voice mail.....(Oh great...he won't pick up the phone even though he is clearly texting me from it).

My message was that I was headed to church this evening, but I had a few minutes "now" to spare so let's talk.  Of course his text reply came later while I was in church and simply stated "I'd rather do this in person and not on the phone or text."  **Take note - Any "normal" person would begin to feel something is "up" at this point.  And for someone who doesn't want to text, I'd like to point out he started this odd conversation with a text.  His text (unedited):

I am not screwing around here.  I want to talk to you about you and _____. Either lets do this or tell me no. 

I did not reply, because I am now puzzled about the tone behind "I am not screwing around here." Um, I didn't say you were screwing around, I just want to know what 'specifically' about my wife and I you wish to talk about.  Why is this so hard to answer? My spider-sense is now pinging hard and I CHOSE not to reply lest I get sucked into something late on a Friday night.  Of course my mind is now turning 100 MPH and I barely slept at all that night.  Saturday is gonna suck, this I know.

Saturday I went to the gym, and while I was at the gym....guess what....I get another text from my BIL asking where and when I want to meet.  WTF?  What is this with all the texting and no phone calls.  No, at this point we are going to have a phone conversation...no more texting from me.  We're adults for crying out loud, (although some would argue I may not be at times).

As I got home and am standing in my garage I attempt to call him one more time.  This time he picks up.

Me: Hey, how's it going?  How are you?

BIL: Fine.  And you? 

Me: Well, to be honest I'm a bit tired.  I didn't sleep much last night.

BIL: Why is that?

Me: Well, your texts caught me off guard.  You haven't spoken to me in 6 months.  You have never called to see how I'm doing, how I've been, how I'm coping...nothing.  Then I get a random text from you at 7pm last night stating you want to talk to me but won't tell me why or what about.  Forgive me if that seems out of place to me and raises a flag in my head.

BIL: That wasn't my intention, and I'm sorry you didn't sleep, but that's you over analyzing things.

Me: Perhaps. But it just seems odd.

BIL: Do you not trust me?

Me: I did not say that.  Trust never entered my mind.  Why would I not trust you?

BIL: You say a flag went up in your head.

Me: Er, yes.

BIL: So what is it then?

Me: What do you mean?

BIL: Why don't you trust me?

Me: I didn't say that.  I never used the word 'trust' and...(::BIL interupts me::)

BIL: Whoa, whoa, hoa.  Just stop.

Me: What?

BIL:  You're hiding behind words. 

Me: ????? (:: awkward silence as I try and process what he just said::)

BIL: I am not trying to dress you down or tear into you.

Me: Er....Uh...I didn't say you were nor was I thinking that.

BIL: This isn't a chess game.  I'm not trying to get one step ahead of you.

Me: (::more awkward silence::??????::)  With all due respect you lost me.  What are you talking about?  What does chess or games have to do with anything right now?  Nothing resembling a game left my mouth.

BIL: I want to talk to you in person, if you can't do that, just let me know.

Me: Seriously, I'm lost.  I'm not sure what you want to accomplish.

BIL: I don't want to do 'this' over the phone. (**note:  DO WHAT????)  Real men meet in person.

That one caught me like a deer in headlights.  So you are now inferring I am not a REAL man, because I'm dubious on this whole vague conversation to begin with and I'm now skeptical to meet with you.

Me: Okay.  In that case, thanks but I think I'll pass.

BIL: Okay...Just remember....You CHOSE to not have this conversation.

Did my brother-in-law just threaten me over...well...who knows what?

Me: Er...okay.  Goodbye.  (::I hung up::)

I must have stood in my garage for a good ten minutes scratching my head on what the hell just happened.  I just participated in a conversation that I feel I was actually not a participant in.  WTF was that all about?  Seriously?  I'm not a 'real man'?  I'm playing 'chess'?  I'm hiding behind words and have a lack of 'trust'. 

Um....let's remember...YOU TEXTED ME FIRST.  YOU NEVER SAID WHAT YOU WANTED TO TALK ABOUT.  And don't say about me and my wife...No duh, that was inferred in the very begining.  What could you possibly have to say in person that you can't say over the phone.  Why do I feel I just got dragged down to Jr. High school by my 47yo BIL?

Needless to say, this whole conversation, or lack thereof....is not sitting well with me because I don't know what the HELL IT WAS ABOUT.  But I guesss my BIL now thinks I'm a schmuck, and as others predicted would happen, my estranged wifes family seems to now be turning on me, and I was just minding my own business on a Friday night.

Friday the 14th

I really needed my sleep last night, and despite the heat and refusing to turn on my A/C, I did.  I could have slept longer in fact, and it crossed my mind to call in sick today, but I didn't.  It's casual Friday, and I hate to waste those days.  And surprisingly, I've been busy this morning and now my day is already half over.

Anyway, the sleep came from the previous two nights of lack of sleep.  My wife texted me Wed., morning saying that she herself is stressed out and didn't sleep well herself the night we met and spoke.  She did manage to respond that she will go to the party anyway.....doesn't surprise me at all.

I for sure won't be going.  Instead, I am going to an Octoberfest celebration, something I wanted to go to for years, but never had a reason to go until now.  So my buddy and I will be going and spending the day eating brats, listening to German or Bravarian music, and tasting various German beers.  Yeah, it's in the middle of September, but that's cool.

I don't have much plans for the weekend.  I'm probably going to go for a short workout after work, and then come home and watch a movie or jabber with the neighbors.  Can't afford anything right now as mortgage is due today, and I need the rest for gas and toll until next Thursday.  So I'll need to entertain myself the next few days by sticking close to home.  That's okay...it'll give me a chance to do chores, watch a few movies, work on some hobbies and other things.

I broke down and called my lawyer today.  Didn't get a hold of them, just left a message to see if they got my faxed documents from two weeks ago and see where we are in the process.  As I hadn't got a scathing email or call from my wife as of yet, I'll assume she hasn't been notified that I'm requesting we move forward.  It'd be nice to know if there is a time frame I can wrap my ahead around to begin anew.

I'd also like to get these boxes out of my sight, and start advertising for a possible roommate.  My wife is still barely chipping in, and as I opened her unemployment benefits envelope, I noted that she has about 3 - 4 weeks of income left.  Then she will be dependant on her cash only job which may even even pay less than her unemployment by my calculations.  She either needs to 'buck-up' and get a 'real' job, or she's going to be dependant on her parents for the forseable future.  I don't take any pride or joy in that at all.  However, perhaps her parents will finally see what I've been dealing with for the past few years and they'll put pressure on her instead of me always looking like the bad guy who only appears to care about money. 

So I standby waiting for the lawyer to return my call and tell me what's up.

A solemn meal

I met my wife last night at an Italian restaurant at 5:30pm last night, smack between both my house and her parents.

I tried my best to be strong, keep my composure, and remain confident, and looking back at the events last night, I think I did a pretty decent job.

We spoke cordially and honestly, but it was tough.  It was very tough to see her cry.  I've seen her cry before, but not always when it comes to us.  That's usually my gig. 

I told her that I will not be going to counseling with her Thursday.  Truth be told, I haven't even looked at the packet (i.e. homework) that he gave us last week, and I told her I wanted to be fair and just and to fill it out with a clear head.  Anything I do now will be rushed, not well thought out, and I didn't want to make anything up just to satisfy her or him to say I completed it.  It isn't fair to her, nor myself.

I told her that as much as I do miss her, I do not miss certain aspects of her...and I was quite blunt: I told her I did not miss her alternate side, the side that can be mean, sarcastic, unforgiving, and condescending.  I told her about the not so pleasant dream I had in regards to the neighbor who now shuns me.  I told her that there are certain friends of hers I'm quite okay with never seeing them again.  I wasn't mean in my disposition in this explanation.  I was calm and got to the point, stating these feelings matter-of-factly so as I would not lose my own composure or get distracted by emotions within.  Is it better to rip the band-aid off quickly, or slowly peel it away?  As a matter of fact, a mutual friend invited us both to a party in two weeks.  She asked me if I was going to go.  I said probably not due to the fact that the two female neighbors who despise me were invited as were a few of my wife's ex-coworkers who believed her tall tales of exaggerated untruths without ever speaking to me about my side of the events.  I don't feel the need to explain myself and I don't want to feel awkward, so why would I go?  I know a bunch of my other friends won't be going either due to the nature of my wife and I....we were the common bond between varying sets of friends.

I also asked how she envisioned the upcoming Holidays.  She said she wanted to spend them with me, and I told her that this year, when she left for another state that my family had already began making plans.  Thanksgiving will be at my moms, Christmas possibly at my Aunt & Uncles.  She suggested that I can do both, that is have Thanksgiving with my parents, and then come to her sisters house in the evening.  Same with Christmas.  Although I suppose this is plausible, it wouldn't be easy, and I surely don't want to upset my parents.  As much as I appreciate her gesture and would love to see her family....especially my FIL & MIL (I miss them dearly).

This is when she began to cry.  Where she told me she feels like she's getting the short end of the stick.  I replied that isn't a fair statement.  She may be feeling like she's getting the short end of the stick after 5 weeks, but I got the short end of the stick for over 5 months, so her comment didn't really phase me.

When dinner was over, I insisted that I pay and we walked out together.  I told her I have a pamphlet I wanted her to read about codependency in regards to me, and she said she had a book to give me in the future as well and I agreed to read it.  We hugged.  I told her I was sorry, it wasn't my intention to make her cry. I am not trying to get 'even', or 'vengenance', etc.  But I had to tell her I need to step away for a while.

When I got home, I packed two more boxes of her stuff.  One large box of some of her knick-knacks, and another box of the ridiculous amount of trial size shampoo bottles, body lotions, and other toiletries that have been in our vanity for 8 years and never used.

I went to bed, and despite taking a sleeping pill, I was up off and on all night long, and when I awoke this morning, I feel empty, solemn, and sad.

And there will be Fireworks.

I'm dreading this evening.

Agisnt my friends and families wishes, I have agree to meet my estranged other half for a brief dinner tonight.

However, I think the outcome is not what she will be expecting.

Since her move back to her parents house, she has continually tried to arrange outings with me, with the majority of them I have turned down for various reasons.  I will give her credit, she is trying to 'win' me back, but right now I'm too numb to care.

Tonight has to be about honesty on my behalf, 100%.  I really need to let her know, as delicately as I can, that at this juncture I don't want to try anymore.  I'm exhausted and I've been doing 'okay' the last month without her.  My episodes of tears get slightly further apart and I'm keeping myself busy with other endeavors.

This past weekend I went out Friday night with two of my best friends.  Saturday I spent the whole morning do yard work, followed by the gym, some shopping, and then out to dinner with anotehr friend.  Sunday was church, the gym, catching up shows (my DVR is 100% free now...lol), playing a game, and spending a lot of time with my dog.  She called me yesterday to hang out, and I turned her down, for legitimate reasons: my hands were swollen and I've been battling a mild bout of my Uticaria the last few days.  I also packed another box for her, one less that needs to be done later.

But she's persistent, and I'm gonna have to meet her anyway sooner or later.  We have a scheduled appointment with a counselor this Thursday.  I am going to 'try' and tell her I'm not going to go.  I don't want to make arrangements with work, I don't want to go to the office, I don't want to listen or talk right now.  Like I've said before, I'm burnt out right now.

I also know my parents wouldn't approve if they knew, and I can't help but think about the Holiday's coming up, and a whole new can of worms I need to avoid.  I cannot be placed in the middle of another Holiday disaster, with my family pitted against hers.  I need to explain to her tonight that Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. are just around the corner and I'm not going to choose.  The choice has already been made...I'm spending them with my family this year.  End of story.

I don't think she is going to take it very well, so that's why I chose a public place 1/2 way between us.  I am not going to argue or fight.  I'm going to lay it out as is and say that we need to be apart, for now at least.  I don't want to lead her on, nor do I want to spend any weekly time trying to fix something that everyone just tells me is doomed to fail and I will be crushed again.