I think I just need a hobby (part I)

Since yesterday's post I have been doing a lot of internal soul searching....looking for a reason to explain why I always seem messed up to various degrees, and can't seem to move beyond the immediate situation on hand. I sometimes think my bouts of depression are not just about overthink the past and the present, but not really having a plan of happiness for the future.

It also doesn't help the situation in general when in my alone times, I have nothing to occupy my mind and to a certain extent my hands (I like making things, taking them apart, rebuilding....Lego's were awesome as a kid).

It's really a sad commentary on my life that the most important things I look forward to these days is just going home after work to watch a bit of TV, maybe play 30 or 45 minutes of a video game, have a mediocre meal, and go to bed to be lulled asleep by late night repeats only to do it all over again the next day (read: rinse and repeat).

I can only dream of taking a 'real' vacation these days due to our personal finances. Last year I swore that I was going to go on a real vacation with my wife. We spoke about a taking a cruise as neither of us have ever taken one. I've been salivating for quite some time about sipping pretty drinks in a lounger watching the set, eating gourmet meals, and not having a general care about teh world for 5 days. Well, guess what....it didn't happen because our money, of course, went elsewhere as usual.

It was also another self pity moment when I realized my recent birthday money that my parents and my aunt gave me was never going to buy myself anything I wanted, but went to bills to give us some much needed breathing room. Think about that....you get some birthday money that is intended to buy something enjoyable for yourself, but instead you use it to pay bills not all of which are your own. (Speaking of birthday gifts....and I know this sounds very petty.... but my wife got me a book and a 1/2 priced video game for a grand total of $35, and my step-daughter didn't even call or send me a card....but of course the very next night my wife had enough money to go meet her friends out at a bar Tuesday night, and money for Bunco last night with the neighbors...Yup, I lose again).

Anyway, sorry for that above tangent. I'm not sure what I was even doing there other than venting in prose instead of keeping it inside.

Needless to say I'm still a bit stressed out, have hives that my coworkers keep pointing out to me (as if I can't see all these splotches myself), and have been overall a bit lonely again. To help occupy my mind to a certain degree I've been looking into new things to do; research on things I may like to dabble in like learning about podcasting, and oddly enough, model trains.

I think back to when one of the first shrinks I saw a few years back and he thought I had ADD. When he first mentioned this, I refuted that inside my own mind and thought he was dead wrong. Now that I'm a little bit older and wiser, I am starting to rethink what he said. Maybe I'm just a little bit more open minded these days...but I'm starting to think he was right. Perhaps I do have ADD. But if I do indeed have ADD, then I think my ADD is my own self trying to fill the void I can't seem to define with something to keep me entertained, stimulated, or grasping for something else than my current state of existance.

So where did model trains come out of? I have no idea. The seed was planted almost a year and a half ago when I saw a tv news broadcast about a train expo in the area and I thought that looked interesting. Well, I never made it that year because no one wanted to go with me and so I told myself if it ever came around again I would go anyway. Well, it's coming around again this weekend (I asked my wife if she wanted to go, and she said 'No.'...suprise, suprise), but I am going anyway with my digital camera.

Not that I can afford any of this intersting hobby, let alone admit I have no room in my house to put down even a 4'x8' track layout, but like anything I get interested in I have learned more about model railroading these last two weeks than I ever have before in my life. I've been listening to model train podcasts, learning the hobby jargon, visiting web pages of hobbyists and dealers alike, and now I'm imagining a life of collecting and building model trains and joing a local club.

I've also been teaching myself about podcasting and RSS protocols and feeds and have been toying with the idea of starting a audio/video podcast (although I must shed my anonymous persona here) and find a subject matter that is worthy and interesting enough to me and others that will have me churning out a 30 minutes podcast every few weeks.

(Due to the unintended length of this post right now, I am deciding to interrupt it here and continue it in the next post).

Study: 1 in 5 young adults have personality disorder

I came across this article this morning on FOXnews.com. I'll let you read it on your own for its length, but I found it very interesting and telling.

If you don't want to read it in its entirety, the layman's version is thus: A study was conducted over the course of 2001/2002 with 5,092 young adults. It found that nearly 25% (not quite though) described students experienceing disorders such as anti-socialness, paranoia, obsessive-complusiveness. Many of these behaviors can be linked to violence. Also the study revealed that fewer than 25% of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.

The study cited, and I think I understand the logic, that perhaps some of the causes can be traced from:

• Alcohol and substance abuse.
• Seperation from secure environments (i.e. away from home and parents)
• Recent campus shootings foster a sense of feeling 'unsafe'.
• Relationship issues and discovering sexuality.
• Facing the realization of possible employment prospects and educational opportunities.

You can probably extrapolate a few other cause and effects in there as well, but I think the gist of teh study suggests (at least what I got out of it) is that young people are becoming more and more ill-prepared in dealing with the transition from childhood to adulthood with increased stress factors coming from all angles. Because they are ill-prepared to deal with the various traumas that 'life' throws at them (especially with no parental/family structure nearby), these young adults are succumbing to the pressures and developing mental instabilities...including depression.

It saddens me to read this because the more I think of it, the more I see the truth in it. Today, we are a society of blogs, text messaging, IM chats, Facebook/MySpace, etc...We are having less and less 'real' face time with other people...including family and God...and using technology to converse with people hiding behind our PC screens. We don't make time for ourselves anymore either.....we tend to think time is more valuable than ever as we contstantly feel rushed or tasked to do something. Remember the old saying: "Take time to smell the roses."? Well, I think we often forget to take the time out and spend 10-15 minutes walking in God's creation, talking with Him, sharing with Him and friends. One can even argue the family dynamic that was perceived to be a 'nuclear family' back in the 1950's is almost non-exsistant today. People marry and divorce more often, come from broken families, don't go to church anymore....and with that, we lose touch of definition of 'family' and personal 'love', and eventually personal responsibility.

This can all lead to various stresses and social traumas, and those that aren't thick skinned, either sink or swim. Those that sink may become depressed, stressed, paranoid, etc. Those that swim may become hard in the heart, indifferent, cold and impersonal...perhaps worse.

Anyway, I'm not really sure how to wrap this up...It's a study and those are my interpretations of them. I suppose in a nutshell, and I have to remind myself of this more and more often......go out and smell the roses. Call your friends up and ask them to lunch and speak with them in person. Interact with your family and discuss topics you normally just gloss over. Pray to God above and meditate with Him and ask for peace.....Your mental health may depend on it.