A lack of self respect

Respect is a pretty loaded word.

We all think of its main meaning:

Noun A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

Verb Admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements. But often we use this word in regards to thinking about something else, like a moving speech, or our feeling of someones heroic acts or deeds.  We've heard the song a gazillion times on the radio, movies, and our high school dances.  We are taught in church to respect our parents and our elders, the military teaches us to respect our President and our commanders orders.  We are taught in school to respect our flag.  Some cultures teach people to repect their traditions passed down from generation to generation. And in the heat of arguments we often accuse each other of not repecting our boundries, or what the other person says. But the one thing we forget and often overlook, especially us co-dependants and those that have a history of depression is our own self-respect. Yesterday it was pointed out to me by someone that somewhere along the line I lost my own self-repect.  And when that happened, a domino effect happened and thus my spouse also lost repect for me. Not because I was a bad person.  Not because I occasionally swore, or wasn't smart enough, or didn't earn enough.  It was because somewhere the ability for me to stand up for myself diminished, and over time, it just became easier and easier for me to capitulate to ridiculous demands or behaviors just to avoid fights.  It became the path of least resistance.  What could I do that would make this whole thing stop, as asinine as it was at the time?  The answer was too bite my tongue, shut my mouth, and shut down. When that became the norm, I lost any power I once had in my relationship.  Not that power is and should be the priority.  I'm not saying that.  I just lost the will power to stand my ground and speak my mind and declare boundries and rules just to achieve some semblance (now a facade when I look back at it all) of sanity and tranquility and peace. A friend of mine from college recently sat me down as well (not the same person above) as said to me: "Man, I used to really admire you in college.  You got good grades, you got to party, you rose in the ranks of a fraternity, you dated good looking girls, etc.  You had a presence, and whether you realized it or not, you had a certain charisma that people wanted to be your friend and hang out with you and you weren't a dick." Uh...thanks? No really, it actually is a compliment and was surprised to hear this from this individual as he was older than me and to think someone like that looked up to me is very flattering. But then he continued.... "That was you.  Back then.  The guy I see and know today...he is still nice, still funny, still smart....but doesn't excude confidence anymore.  You don't have that commanding charisma you had back then." It was sobering to hear that. I think about that conversation from time to time, and realized my friend was right.  And I was reminded of that again yesterday.  My wife was able to walk all over me for so long because I allowed it to happen.  And when that happened, when I became a pushover, a doormat, a codependant, I lost my inner fire....maybe the very spark that my wife once found attractive.  Once she realized I was a shell of my former self, she lost respect for me.  And when that happened....well, it just can't survive as a deeper level. The problem today is that I am realizing all this too late.  The damage is done and cannot be repaired.  I think that my wife got so used to me shrugging my shoulder and giving up, she was surprised...literally....when I FINALLY drew a line in the sand, and will not blink. All I can do is slowly stoke my own inner-fire, and slowly build it up again to get ready for the next chapter in my life.  To earn the repect of others in the future, I have to earn my own self-respect.  And even though I am 5'10", I have to get that fire back that makes me stand 6'+  That means, I am going to have to say 'No' to people.  Continue to reinforce boundries that are healthy.  Walk away from those with bad behaviors, and surround myself with those people with good behaviors.  But I also need to do this with humbleness and humility.  You can be respected and stand tall without being a douche.  Without having a pompous attitude or wayward ego. Ephesians 4:2 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. (NLT) Proverbs 25:9 He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way. (NIV) Matthew 23:12 For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. (NIV) Colossians 3:12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. (NIV) Mark 10:45 For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many. (ESV) Romans 12:3-6, NIV "Humble Service in the Body of Christ" "For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us." Psalms 149:4 For the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation. (NIV)   1 Peter 5:6-11 6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power forever and ever. Amen.

Who am I kidding?



It has been a rough 24 hours for me.

It was to be expected, I suppose, but I was hoping I wouldn't be as affected as I apparently am.

Yesterday afternoon, while I was at work (of course), my lawyer forwads me yet another letter from 'her' attorney stating she thinks she can get 'her' to let go of my dog and my collections, that is if I agree to all her other ridiculous demands...meaning maximum financial support and every appliance in the house.

It was a complete and utter waste of time and energy and finances that niether one of us has to throw out some 'random', half-hearted attempt to get me to either blink or settle.  If it was intended to rile me up, well then, mission accomplished.....but I can't let them know they got to me.

I know my attorney is obligated to share all correspondance her attorney sends him, at the cost of a quarter hour increments, but this non-offer cost us both.  I am so tempted (of course it/was my emotions) to fire off a response, but after speaking with my parents and then sleeping on it, I had to ask myself..."To what end?"

A response from me would cost me a quarter hour charge for him to read it, then an additional quarter hour charge for him to forward it to 'her' attorney, and then wait for yet another response.  So it would cost me 1 hour of attorney's fees and highly charged emotion, to get what in return?  I will assume we are at an impasse, and I will just have to wait, and make her guess my next move.  The thing is, I have no 'next' move....I just don't want to spend anymore money on correspondence that will get me nowhere for the next few weeks.

And without missing a beat, of course my lawyer send me three more documents to fill out and return ASAP.  Really?  Um, you guys realize that I work too during normal business hours and I just can't drop everything to fill out paperwork at a whim.  The thing that irks me is that I've already filled these same excat papers out before....twice...So why do I have to fill them out a third time?  Because my state has so much backlog in the system, that my previous filing are now 'obsolete' and I have to provide updated information every few months...at a cost to me...of course.  Sigh.  What a racket this is.  I'm not kidding.  They get you coming and going.

Oh, and he wants an additional 8 hours retainer fee for court costs, prior to court.  Okay, I'll just go out back and pluck a fresh branch off the money tree I have.  I have never been late on paying him, but it's usually been an hour here and an hour there.  Now I need to cough up 8 hours of pre-pay within two weeks.  Um, what part of when you took my case did you not understand that I am also paying some of my wife's bills as well. 

As I write this, I have court in 17 days.

If that isn't enough to pull my hair out, we've been extremely busy at work and very short handed.  I've had to pick up the slack in a few areas that aren't even mine, and people are so impatient.  I feel their pain, but if I am not aware of things because they aren't in my domain, I'm finding it hard to please people with little or no notice.  My phone hasn't stopped ringing the last week for trivial stuff I have to take care of because the people can't chew gum and walk at the same time.

My grandfather is having some health issues.  I suppose you would too at 95 years old.  We need to put him in a home.  He doesn't want to go, and thinks we are putting him out to pasture.  It doesn't help that his memory is starting to fail and he insists he did things or said things when in-fact he didn't and my parents have asked me to help cancel some things there as well.  It doesn't help that he did break his shoulder and layed immobile on the kitchen floor for 6+ hours until someone found him and realized he messed himself.  Doesn't hep that he's mad he drivers license has expired and he wants to renew it.....he should not be driving.

Then my father informed me that the docter found some cancer, melanoma, on his face, so he had surgery today in which they removed some skin.  Let that be a lesson folks....wear sunscreen whenever you can, becuase it will come back to haunt you later in life.

So what is this a recipe for?.....you guessed it...a mild-to-moderate meltdown.  I had to walk outside a few times already today to clear my head, take a few deep breaths, wipe my eyes, and compose myself.  I spent my lunh hour today in my car....crying....because I have no other venting outlet right now.  I'm not proud of crying at all, but I'm also not ashamed of it either.  I don't like to do it, but it feels as if I have been living out someone elses nightmare off and on for the last few years now.  My eyes still sting and feel slightly swollen right now.

I called my dad today as well, just to decompress.  God bless him...he does his best to console me...to build me up...to tell me everything is gonna be okay....but my dad is known for having emotions or empathy.  So while I beleive he does 'hear' me...I just don't make the connection with him as his son.

Oh, and for those wondering why my wife came over last week.  It was both a social visit to teh neighbors AND to dig up dirt on me.  The good news is I've purposely avoided 'those' neighbors in even casual contact that they can't say anything about me.

A Step Back

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4: 6-7)

Ugh, the last 36 hours has been somewhat emotional for me...and I don't handle emotional overload very well.  It affects me both mentally and physically.  I write today's post more so for me to just "get it out" in my own makes-no-sense self-therapy than I do for you if you are reading this.

I am not convinced that by writing it down on paper that I will be sort through the madness which is my overly complex thought process on just about everything.  Please, take no offense at this next statement but at times I wish I were indeed simple-minded.  I often wonder if simple-minded individuals are more content with life because they aren't keenly aware of the interconnectedness of everything else?

Where to begin?

My grandfather is not doing so well.  He fell last week and dislocated his shoulder.  Although he didn't break anything, he is becoming too weak to care for himself.  His Dr. has placed him in a rehabilitation facility which I assume he thinks he will be getting out of in a few days or weeks.  However, my parents and my aunt & uncle wish to keep him there indefinitely because he needs constant care now.  He's even having trouble going to the restroom and having more and more "accidents' as of late.  Personally, I do not believe he has much time left and I don't even know where to begin to say my goodbyes or wish that he finds the Lord.

Then two timezones away, I have learned my grandmother is also not doing well and is on a waiting list herself to go to a final home.  It appears she is throwing in the towel as well and wishes to spend her final days in a 'facility' as well.  At least she is a believer, but its hard for me to comprehend my life losing two more family members shortly and I am so far away from one, and have enough going on in my own drama it's hard for me to visit the other one, and the guilt I seem to be developing over that.

A gentleman from one of my groups recently fell off the wagon, and cut himself, on purpose....bad enough where he needed 50 stitches in his arm.  Because he has no insurance, the hospital refused to put him under watch for 72 hours and let him go back into the wild.  I tried calling him yesterday, but got no answer or no call back.

As a surprise when I came home from work, I saw that my wife's car was at the end of my street...obviously visiting neighbors....which she has every right to do, but it immediately sent me into a funk, putting me on high alert for the rest of the evening.  I have no idea why I act a fool, but I caught myself looking out my window every 30 to 45 minutes or so to see if she left or not.  She left somewhere around 9:30pm last night.  And although I did not see her, had no interaction with her, I felt uptight and anxious the rest of the night.  And even emotional.

I hadn't had any contact with her since our meeting back in April and thought I was personally moving on.  I will even admit I "thought" I deserved a few atta-boys and high-fives for being able to function these last 6 weeks or so, but it became pretty damn clear that after last night and gauging both my behavior and thoughts.....I am no better off than before.

It was so bad, I even had a dream about her again, and in this dream she was as cold and nasty as she has been the last few years, and even in this unconscious state I wanted to avoid upsetting her, wondering what I could do to make her happy...and I realized there was nothing I could do.

Needless to say, today, it is taking all my energy and will power not to break down in front of my employees and sob.  I take that back...my eyes have been tearing up on and off since 8:30am, and that was only 5 hours ago.

There is so much good things in my life, yet I continually allow things that are out of my control to dominate my thoughts and sour my emotions where I am 220lb, 5'10" 43year old man who feels like I am a pimply 13yo tween who got turned down at the dance....but multiply that by 10 fold.

What the ____ happened to me?  Why can't I shake this funk, this depression, this crap that stalks me like a lion waiting to devour as soon as I blink?

My mom wants to take me to dinner tonight.  Usually I don't like her to see me like this....I want to be strong and show her I am okay....but right now I am embarrassed to say I do indeed want my mom.  I want to cry, I want to break down, I want to scream at the top of my lungs and run away.  The mental pressure is starting to build up inside and I need a release.

Is the Universe speaking to Me?

Yesterday was a strange day in terms of my perception of coincidences.  I'm not exactly sure where I stand or whether I'm on board one way or the other if the things we experience over a short period of time are "signs" from the Universe.

I do believe, or at least, allow for the belief that God can try to get our attention at times.  How exactly, I'm not positive.  It may be subtle, perhaps it may even be direct, but I'm not sure if the man upstairs uses formulaic sitcom scenarios to make His point.  Then again, who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?  He did create the platypus afterall.

So yesterday it seems as if a lot of stuff I came into contact with, whether deliberate or by random circumstance seemed to pop up into my life yesterday on a cerebral level.

A somewhat famous pastor, Rick Warren, of Saddleback church made this comment yesterday to his congregation as food for thought:

"Incompatibility in marriage is really immaturity and selfishness. Mature people value differences and grow, learning real love."

The comments that followed were very divided, and I for one would find myself in the undecided category.  On the one hand, this makes perfect sense. On the other, I couldn't help but wonder if Rick was referring to me as immature and selfish. 

I've literally read this quote close to a dozen times over the past 18 hours or so, and my gut reaction still is...confusion?  While some people may say I can be immature at times for playing Xbox, reading comics, liking Science Fiction, my trivial rants, and occassionally doing foolish things I also consider myself quite mature.  My bills are paid on time, I'm a responsible member of society, I love my God and attend church, I'm empathetic towards animals and enjoy deep discussions without referring to sophmoric antics.  This may not win me any points in the 'humble' department, but I think I am a geneous person when I can be, often helping others financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  That doesn't absolve myself of ALL selfishness, but I clearly don't feel selfish at all...especially when it came to my marriage.  I think I was anything BUT selfish in that regard, but I reached a point where despite what God may think of me, I didn't want to be kicked anymore so when my wife left, I drew a line in the sand.  Some would say I waited to long to draw that line to begin with.

Then later yesterday afternoon I came across the following:

I read this and it struck a chord with me.  The second half of this hit me like a sledge hammer between the eyes because it reminded me of my wife like a klaxon alarm going off in my head.  She only paid me attention when she needed something that she could no longer provide for herself.  And it hurt me to read this. It hurt me to let it sink in and understand this.  That this what was being perpetrated upon me.  I even felt a tinge of anger and my own selfishness when I read this outloud..

Then Joel Osteen chimed in with this nugget:

"You don't have to worry. God has promised that if you will remain at rest, He'll make your wrongs right. He'll bring justice into your life."

Was God talking to me yesterday?  Was He trying to tell me that He understands that this whole things seems unjust and unfair to me, but if I give Him half a chance, that He is in control of all things....not me.  Was this His not-so-subtle reminder that He cares for me as well, that I am not forgotten, that I am getting to wrapped up in the trivial and wasting my time fretting for things yet to come and already decided by His will?

So if that wasn't enough, I got a phone listed 'PRIVATE' on my digital display last night at around 7pm.  99% of the time this signifies that my mother is calling so I picked up.

It was not my mother.

In fact it was the last person I would ever suspect.  A Christian person I met and exchanged phones numbers with almost a full year ago and whom I have had no contact with since.  She called me out of the blue...to ask how I was doing and said she had felt a strong urge to call me to counsel me and to pray for me.  I had told her my story a year ago...and here she is...a year later telling me she felt the need to reach out and to pray for me today (last night). 

How does that happen?

I was more in shock than anything.  She sensed during our conversation that I had a lot on my mind....and I pointed out everything I just laid out here: Joel Osteen nugget, Rick Warren's words, an Internet meme about wasting time on un-reciprocated love.

I can't explain any of this.  I was just keeping to myself yesterday adn the Universe came a knockin' at my door.

I'm just sharing this.  Not sure what it means....but maybe for you doubters, perhaps there is a God who does listen and responds to His children when we pause and open ourselves up to listening instead of acting.

What Dream May Come....

The last few weeks I think my subconscience has been working overtime.  There was a period of about two weeks were I must have had 3 or 4 dreams regarding my wife, or her family, and this entire situation.  The most disturbing, or actual 'hurtful' one was listening to my Mother-In-Law coming down on me.

I've always shown nothing but respect to my inlaws, and it really hurts me to the core when my MIL came down on me about my lack of forgiveness.  That was almost a year ago, and I still hear those words in my head every so often.

I'm stalled as far as weight loss goes.  I've been hovering around 219 for a month now.  Granted, I'm not hitting the gym like I used to, but I've been monitoring my food.  I theoretically should be having 1700-1800 calories a day.  Most days I can do that, although I find myself still hungry.  But then the weekends roll around and I note two major things: 1) my friends are inviting me to glorious BBQ's decadent food and drink, 2) I'm too bloody tired to go to the gym.  My body aches half the time from work, and if I have any free time at all I have to take care of my dog or chores.

My relationships with friends, neighbors, family, church has been on maintenace mode only.  I feel like I'm coasting right now....just doing enough to stay in peoples lives, but not enough to nuture them or myself for that matter.  Kinda goes back to the whole "I'm too damn tired" thing.

I'm also still re-evaluating certain 'relationships' with people I've known and have shifted some of them into the 'acquaintance' only category.  I feel as I am...and always have been the same guy...it's their change of behaviors (or lack thereof) which has made me realize I need new blood in my circles.  This stale, stagnation gossip and 'nosey'-ness isn't building me up.  The facts are the facts....go ask 'her' what the 'story of the day' is.

Saw Superman and Star Trek recently...love them both...and feels good to be a kid again at times.  Take 2-3 hours out of life and be somewhere else mentally where my crap doesn't matter.

No real plans for summer...yet.  I got invited to go to Vegas for a few days, but had to pass because it interferred with work and whose gonna watch my pup for 3 days?  Also got invited by my best friend to go to British Columbia.  He has a time share...all I have to do is get a plane ticket....but same problem....can't get off of work right now, nor can commit to anything until I know where I stand legally (and financially).

So I predict a summer of building train models (a hobby of mine) and exploring the immediate area with my dog and close friends.  But we'll see, meterologists are alrady predicting this is gonna be a hot summer.  Our first heat wave is supposed to hit by the weekend, and I can expect temperatures in the 90's.  I might be sleeping downstairs this weekend.

Showcase Showdown - a month later.

It's been a few strange weeks overall.

I've been off my happy pills again for the past two weeks, and quite honestly I feel generally apathetic.  Work has been very mundane lately...very mundane.  I'm busy enough, but it's just the same thing everyday.  8 hours of the same thing.  Can a person get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the brain?  That's what it feels like or at least analogous too, if you don't like my metaphor.

Oh, and for those wondering what happened during the Showcase Showdown back from April?  My wife renegged on just about everything we agreed to prior.  Just when I think I couldn't be surprised by her anymore, I will admit, what came out of her mouth both stunned and saddened me.  Even my lawyer had to laugh at her and her attorney. 

See, my wife and I agreed (at least I thought we did), that she keeps her collections and I keep mine.  She keeps her 401K and I keep mine.  She pays for her credit cards, and I pay for mine.  She keeps her car, and I keep mine. See the pattern?

Well, of course when we got down to brass tax she now wants the following:

• My 401K, because she has spent hers.
• The equity in my car....the one that I bought and paid for by myself.
• The king size bed...the one she hated and said she wanted a new mattress before she left.
• My art collection, on top of keeping hers.
• The patio furniture...which I bought,
• The TV...which was a gift to me from my aunt & uncle....which is funny because not only does she have no where to put it, she doesn't even have cable.
• The washer, dryer, stove, and fridge....the appliances I bought...that she didn't.
• She also wants me to pay her Credit Cards.....because she can't.
• Maximum for alimony that the state will allow.
• And the icing on the cake?  My dog.  Yes the dog she didn't walk, didn't buy, didn't train, didn't pay for his insurance or pet bills.  The dog she walked out on when she left me and her daughter.  The dog she never asked about the last 14 months.  Now she wants my dog.  Over my DEAD body.

So there you go.  It obviously didn't go the way I expected.  It floored me.  I think I was in shock the first day or two.  I cried a bit.  I can handle some material objects...giving those up and replacing them even though she didn't invest a stinking dime into them,  But the buck stops at MY dog.  Any emotion of love I was still holding for her died that day.  No I don't hate her.  No, I still don't wish her any ill will.  I'm just shocked and heart-broken that she went back on EVERYTHING we agreed to and I completely felt blind-sided.

Anyway, since then her new lawyer wants to 'talk' to us again.  Maybe, just maybe, he talked some sense into her and feels like we can still negotiate a few things before we go to court.  This will take place sometime in July.  When?  I do not know yet.  But if I walk back into a negotiation meeting again, she better be willing to play ball.  I have no qualms walking in and walking right back out in less than 5 minutes if I feel she's not ready to play ball.  First and foremost, my dog is not negotiable.  Period.  End of discussion.

Now some of you may be thinking, "Dude, it's just a dog!  Is a dog worth the cost of going to court?  Go out and buy a new one."  You have to know me and understand this:  I have no biological children...so my dog is my 'child'.  I raised him.  He is my best friend.  He sleeps in my bed.  And all the times where I broke down and had tears, he was in my lap and kept me sane,  He prompted me to go out and take him for walks when it was easy to sit at home, curl up in a fetal psoition, and drink.  As weird as you may think I am, my dog gave me purpsoe when I was all alone in my house, and has been with me everyday since BEFORE she left.  She is not getting my dog.  I will be with him until he passes from natural causes.  Period.

One way or the other, we have a trial date, before a judge on August 8th.  So as I post this, I have roughly 2 months before I think this may all be finally over.

Showcase Showdown

My anxiety is starting to mount once again.  In approx. 48 hours from now I will be meeting with my wife and our respective lawyers for the first time to 'attempt' to hash out a settlement before it order to avaoid going to court.

The last time I actually had a conversation with my wife was a series of emails between us just over a month ago when I informed her I would be filing my taxes separetly.  As you know, she didn't take to kindly to this as she expected me to pay (surprise) for her preperation, and possibly be awarded a portion of any return I was going to receive.  Whereas I tried to politely explain, more than once, that our tax man advised me against filing jointly due to her inability to cough up a W2 or 1099 for her cash only job, she (as usual) escalated her anger towards me stating that I was trying to 'screw' her. 

I don't expect my wife to play nice at all.  I understand that her lawyer is trying to get the 'most' she possibly can for her client, but she's also asking for the moon, the stars, and the sky.  My lawyer says this won't fly and her counters have all been lofty and unrealistic, but since I've never been through this before, I have no idea what to expect or believe for that matter.

Since then, it's been silent.  And not just on her part either.  My lawyer isn't the most communicative guy around and with less than 48 hours to go, I find myself having to call him up and ask both when and where we are supposed to meet.  I also have to inquire what doucments I should be bringing, and more importantly (at least to me), what our strategy is?  I don't want to be blind-sided by my wife, or be put on the spot about financial matters or the like.  I need to know, for my own sanity, where my lawyer and I plan on drawing the line.  I'd kinda like to know our goal on what we are willing to accept, what we are going to throw out, and the stuff inbetween before I show up.  Especially since I have to take a personal day at work and use vacation time to settle this.

I also have to really put my trust in the Lord with all this, and I wish I could say I was feeling more confident about everything.

For the most part my tears have now stopped.  It has taken a whole year for that to happen, but I still think about this everyday.  I still think about: 1) Where did I go wrong, 2) Why didn't I see the signs earlier when everyone else did, 3) Could I have done anything different, and 4) Why Lord, why me?

The only good news I've had recently is a few people had previously written me off have been slowly letting me back in.  On the flipside of that though, yet other 'friends' have written me off due to her lies and playing the 'victim' card, without once asking my side of things.  Even after a year, I am still  figuring out who my 'real' friends are, and who were just my friends because I was throwing a BBQ at my house and had a place to drink beer.  That really saddens me....people whom I genuinly liked, have shut me down and out of their lives.  And all the while I still hear the occasional 'nutty' rumor in reagards to me which has no base in reality.

One of my best friends actually said something somewhat complimentary to me in regards to his own wife and her thoughts.  Unbeknownst to me, my friend had said his own wife never really thought much of my wife, and the only reason they ever came over to my house was so she could hang out with the guys.  She thought my wife could be a little curt, aggressive, and mean spirited when drinking and didn't care much for sme of the things she saw and heard.....I did not know that.  And just last week another 'mutual' friend told me that in hindsight, all things being the same, that my wife just liked to pick fights in general...that she liked to surround herself with drama.  I did not ask for his insights on my marriage...he just offered them up, which in a demented way, also makes me feel better...that I wasn't making all this up in my head, that other people saw it as well, but just chose to keep their mouths shut so they didn't upset either her or me.

Now the toughest, (and continuing), roughest part is in trusting and putting my faith in the God I worship and love that I give this over to Him to have my best interests at heart.  To continue to work on me to allow me to heal, to forgive, to not be taken adavnatge of any longer, to move on, and continue to pray that she also finds it in her own heart to relax, not to be prideful, not to be stubborn, and that she will find her own sense of happiness instead of dragging me and everyone else around her down because she's not happy with herself but just can't comes to terms and acceptance of that fact.

A late start to 2013

The past couple of years I've been able to both create and hold fast to my New Years resolutions.  Starting new hobbies, getting involved in community activities or clubs, going places, and even losing weight.

The toughest part has been able to maintain a certain weight once I slough it off.  Not that I am a horrible eater/  I don't eat a lot of candy or drink soda (probably why I still have never had a cavity at my age), occasionally eat fast food (I like Del Taco and Taco Bell in a pinch), and lead a 'somewhat' active lifestyle...although I don't hit the gym as much as I used to. 

See I like my craft beers (a weekend indulgence), cooking with sauces, gorging on BBQ and other carbs, and have been finding it harder and harder to get motivated to excercise now that I am on my own.  I have so many weekend chores to do, that I have to decide to give up actual 'fun' things to do, or hit the gym now.

When my wife left me last year, I didn't have to worry about excercise.  The misery and pain of the experience was enough to diminish my appetite enough that I was losing weight without doing anything.  At one point I was down to about 210 lbs., lighter than I was when I got married (which was 216 by the way). 

A year has gone by, and during that time I put my weight back on, and then a few extra.  I really started to notcie that my pants where feeling tight again.  Seems I carry all my weight exactly at my waistline.  I got up to a previous weight of 227.6. 

While 227 is not 'fat' for my stature and overall size, I dread the fact I was creeping up on a barrier I have never crossed before: 230lbs.  Keep in mind I'm 5'10" and above average in the muscular department....but I'm not getting any younger (so says my graying hair).

I wanted to get past my birthday and Easter and try to make a clean start....again.  Just so happened that Easter was March 31st, so that gave April 1st, a Monday no less, a good starting point.

My neighbor was actually an inspiration to me, and a wake up call to my own feelings of envy.  See, my neighbor who is a few years older than me has been overweight for sometime.  Standing at about 5'7" he looked much older than he actually was.  Not that he himself was morbidly obese, but he likes to drink, and had that stereotypical 'beer gut' all men dread.  I mean it really looked odd on him.  He constantly looked pregant at 46 years of age, a huge basketball shape under his t-shirts.  For years, he always had a beer in his hand, or some sort of vodka or run drink.

He was borderline diabetic and on high blood pressure medication.  And although he surfed, rode a bike around the neighborhood, and even skateboarded, it wasn't enough excerise to combat all the empty calories he was drinking.

I believe someone in his family passed sometime late last year, or had a heart-attack or some other health condition that gave him his own wakeup call.  Longstory short, he weaned himself off casual drinking and increased his excerise and with 6 months, had dropped 55lbs!  He posted a picture of himself right around Easter on Facebook and he looked great!  I believe he's even off his blood pressure medication and moved off the diabetic watch list.

Looking at his picture was motivation for me (again) to re-kickstart my own diet.  As a single guy who wants to date again, I guess it would be advantageous for me to take better care of myself.  It doesn't hurt my cause either that I just saw a picture of my wife from Easter with her family, and she looks a little worn herself and put on a few pounds again.

So, although its only been roughly 9 days, I'm already down about 2.5 lbs.  No ice cream, candy, or beer in my house (although there is whisky).  I've been drinking water, ice tea (no sugar), Perrier, black coffee, and 0 calorie flavored waters.  It's hard for me to cut dairy (I love cheese, and butter), but my intake of veggies is way up again, and I'm forcing myself to monitor my portions and hit the gym a bit more.

I'm hoping that when I meet with my lawyer next Wed with my wife and her lawyer, I'll be down a few more lbs.  I'm even planning a three day trip at the end of the month with some friends and would be jazzed that I may be in better shape than them.  Yeah, that's somewhat narcasstic and vain, but I'd like to think of it as a confidence boost to my own ego in addition to actualized health benefits.

I'm looking forward to once this crap is over (with my wife) so I can re-start my life.  It seems I've been in limbo this past year, being reserved and whatnot so that I don't bring any undue attention to myself since I'm still 'married' by law.  I want to get out and meet new people, do new things, re-discover who I was 10 years ago before I lost my spine, my confidence, and became repressed and reserved under her rule of thumb (which I allowed and have no one to blame but myself for being a  coward for so long).

Speaking of being a coward, I willa dmit I am not looking forward to next Wed.  I haven't spoken to or interacted with my wife in about 5 weeks now.  I've heard a few rumors that she is having people watch me, but "Oh well", I'm not doing anything wrong nor am I spreading any untruths.  I just need to keep reminding myself that she brough this on herself.  This was her doing, not mine.  And  that she hasn't changed, or changed enough to be taken seriously...

So here's to hoping that by the end of this month I'm finally going to turn things around for myself for a change and not be shackled by the verbal and emotional garbage I've been cowering from for so long.

It's so hard to keep mum.

Nothing major, but I find myself struggling not to contact my in-laws to inform them of their daughters inaction which has an impact on me and my family.

See, my dad just called me a few minutes ago to let me know that not one, but two credit card companies called him this morning looking for my ex-wife.  Apparently, even after she told me she was going to take of this....she hasn't.  She's had a full year now to contact them and to make arrangements, and swore to me on numerous occasions she would.

She hasn't.

You may have fooled 'YOUR' family, but you're not fooling me.

What I fail to understand is why the credit companies are calling my parents.  Why would they call someone not on contract?  Are they calling her parents?  Are her parents just ignoring them the calls as well?  Are they even aware that this is going on?

This is one of the reasons I had to turn off my home phone.  85% of the calls I've been getting are credit companies looking for her.  So both my parents and I have been happily been giving them her parents home number.  Whether these companies follow through afterwards and call the numbers we supply, I don't know.

But since this doesn't seem to be working, I have to step it up:  I will now be handing out her 'work' number.  They can call her at work, and when the small cafe starts getting calls regarding her debt, she can handle it there on her 'work' time.

I am so tempted to contact my in laws right now, but my dad says I am so close to the end, why rock the boat now?  While I see what he is saying at a Macro level, the fact is I think that even after the divorce is finalized, she will still not pay these bills, and my parents and I will still get these calls....endlessly.

Every time I get these calls, all I see and hear in my head is the one-sided conversation she had to me in which she said "It's always about the money to you."  And I keep thinking, how ironic...yes, it is about the money....the fact that YOU overspent and expect ME to clean up your mess.  How YOU said you changed, will take responsibility, and make arrangements and HAVE NOT.  How it is always about SOMEONE elses money...but never YOURS!  Why?  Because that's how YOU roll...you have your parents, your family, and your husband ALWAYS bail you out...and then bitch, and moan, and complain, and blame that everyone else (namely me) only cares about money.

Yes, there's a reason why I have never declared bankruptcy and you have.  There's a reason CC companies don't call me but only call you.  There's a reason I am getting a tax return and you are not.  There's a reason why you've been bouncing checks for years and I have not.  There's a reason you took your daughters money for yourself.  There's a reason your last car got repossessed and your parents had to float you the new car and your insurance.  And you have the audacity to tell me, I have an issue with controlling money?

Yes, perhaps I do.  I have an idea of both 'self-control' and a sense of 'responsibility' and live within my means.  Why don't you give that a try since your way isn't working out for you so much.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to actually accomplish....but I think I'd feel a little better if I could let your parents know that even not under my roof, you're still the same irresponsible person you've always been and let them know about your credit issues.

In like a lion, out like a lamb.

...And such was teh case for the 1 year anniversary that she left.

It was actually yesterday.

1 year that I came home and she was gone, with much of her clothes.

Don't have much really to say on it now that it happened.  Oh, I thought about it a lot the previous two weeks.  I allowed it to keep me up a few times, but when yesterday actually came and left, the day was pretty much went by without a single peep.

The only odd that happened was Tuesday night I got blind copied on an email from my lawyer to hers at 9:30pm stating we reject her recent counter proposal outright.  I like when my lawyer said "Your counterpropsal does not support either the law or the facts of teh case.  When your client wants to get realistic about negotiation, you can contact us."

I have no idea what the offer was, but seeing that her attorney's email had some disclaimer at the end in regards to tax advice and the like, I can only assume that my wife is attempting to make me file both jointly and even pay her tax preparation.  Remember, she's quite pissed off that I am filing seperately as I will be getting a return this year, and she will have to most likely pay.  I'm sure she was counting on getting 1/2 my return, me paying her for her tax preperation, and be able to wash her hands of it.

Despite my continued mess, I had an awesome weekend.  Saw some old schhol chums from years past,...try like 25+ years.  I also had time with my parents, my church, and close friends tooks me out to dinner.  Perhaps it wasn't a perfect birthday weekend (yes, I turned another year), but a far cry from last years when my wife sent me a text message late in the day and otherwise racked with misery.

Shields Up

I was on pins and needles yesterday afternoon once I sent the note to my wife about taxes.

The lack of immediate repsonse from her meant one of three things to me:

1. She hadn't checked her email.
2. Her cell phone was either out of range or dead.
3. She didn't care.

If you bet on #1, (which I did), you were correct.  Starting at 8am this morning the first salvo of heated email came flying my way. 

I won't go into all the nonsensical details, but the gist of it was I was "screwing her...but she's used to it because that's all I do now."

*Sigh*

Yes, I am mad at that statement...and frustrated...but now I have to laugh at it.  I just have to.  It shows me (yet again) she hasn't really changed to the core, she's still in denial after a year, and what selective and revisionist history she has.

So I ask, did I screw her when:

• She left against all families advice to the contrary?
• She was let go from her job for performance related issues?
• She told the neighbors she is paying my bills?
• She accused my female friends of having an affair with me?
• When she lied about having a girls night out locally, but ended up in Vegas with another man?
• When I paid her taxes last year when she said she would pay for them herself?
• When she ran her credit cards into the ground so as collection agencies call her?
• When she called my mother out of the blue and cursed her out while drunk?
• When her first marriage failed?
• She chose happy hour over our Anniversary?
• When she told the lawer I am not giving her access to her belongings, even though I took the time to box them up, and request that she pick them up multiple times?

Yup, I was told that I am 'screwing' her.  This coming from the person who just told me she is 'NOT ON THE BOOKS' at her current 'cash only' job and who doesn't have a 1099 or W2.  My tax man said: "No way, do you want to risk that.  If she gets caught for tax fraud/evasion, I could be on the hook if I file jointly.

Whatever.

Anxiety at 3:30am

After drinking too much Ice-Tea yesterday, I found myself losing track of time and not hitting the sack until about 11:15pm.. Granted the time just changed two days ago, so maybe my body thought it was 10:15 instead.

Pretty uneventful day at work yesterday, and it looks that way again today.  Pretty slow which has given me time to think too much and then try to distract myself by listening to some podcasts I subscribe to via my phone.

I went to the gym both Saturday and Sunday, and since my dad came over this morning to walk my dog, I brought my gym clothes again with me today and I hope to get a decent shoulder workout in tonight for about 30 minutes or so before I go back home.

So a car alarm went off at 3:30 am this morning somewhere in my neighborhood.  Once I shook the cobwebs out and became somewhat aware, I decided I needed to use the restroom as well.  I looked out various windows, but never could identify where the alarm was coming from.  But I also became aware that I had a knot behind my sternum which was actually somewhat uncomfortable and interfered with my breathing.

This happens to me on occasion.  Not as much as it used to, but it does happen.  It's a mild anxiety attack.  The thing is, I have no idea what may have caused it.  I had no alcohol last night, ate a healthy meal, walked my dog after work, etc., etc.  The only thing I can think of is the fact I have to contact my wife sometime today...probably via email...to let her know she has to do her own taxes.

So I took a Clonzapam at 3:38 this morning and awaited for the effects to kick in (usually about 15 minutes).  Soon, I was sound asleep again, and even had a hard time waking up.

In the big scheme of things, this really is a trivial matter.  She's a big girl, and lord knows she is capable, albeit lazy and is expecting me to do it.  And while there should be absolutely no reason for any confrontation in regards to this, I fully expect some backlash.

I can only surmise that I've been thinking about this the last three days and at some deep level within have psyched myself out...in fear.  Isn't that sad?  I'm actually fearful on how she is going to react and I can't even justify why.  What's even more oxymoronic about this whole thing is in one of the podcasts I was listening to yesterday, the whole hour was on 'male confidence', the lack thereof and how to build it.

When I think about myself, I feel fairly confident in many aspects of my life: I've never had an issue making friends.  I am confident in my work abilities.  I am confident in my education and various skills.  I am confident in most of my personal convictions.  But I am not always confident with the opposite sex.

Yep, I said it.

I feel like I can carry on a conversation with a woman.  I can be friends with them.  I can work with them.  I can respect them.  But somehow they disarm me in a way that I suppose I mentally cower at times in terms of speaking about relationships and conflict.  I do not believe I am the 'cave man' or 'Alpha male'.  I tend to be submissive..most likely because I hate conflict.  I want people to like me, so I strive to be delicate and my boundaries are not well defined.  I am emotional.

All this plays into the definition that I am codependant.

I need to 'buk up' as they say and get my 'man card' back.  I can be strong without being a prick and that's what I need to do.  I nee to tell her: "This is how it is NOW...", and be done with it.  Don't get sucked into what she thinks or says or does, or what her family says, thinks, or does.  I need to be captain of my own ship now.  I need to believe that.  I need to own that.  I need to act the part.

The Taxman Cometh...

I will try and not let this be a rant today.  It isn't meant to be one, but I can already feel the stress this building this week.

I have a tax appointment on Saturday.  I just made it yesterday, late in the day once the tax office returned my call and we worked out a time. 

As you may have picked up through previous posts, we went together last year to see our tax man only to have to the next day be the intervention.  When the dust began to settle (after a year it hasn't completely settled yet) I was stuck paying the whole thing.  I paid for the preparation of our taxes.  I paid for both the state and federal income taxes, and I paid for the penalties that my wife incurred by accessing her IRA.

I should be over it, but truth is, I'm not.  I still feel a twinge of anger and/or frustration when I think about how she left me to pay her debt...and continues to do so.  Yes, you can say 'we' incurred the debt together as 'community' practices.  Sure, I suppose there is an argument for that but it's a hard argument for me to swallow and accept seeing that all the penalties 'we' incurred were the result of 'her' actions despite the 'numerous' times I tried to give advice.

Okay, I'm beating a dead horse.

Anyway, a few weeks back she contacted me, "out of the goodness of her heart", that she is willing to file 'jointly' with me again.  Her claim is that I will save money by filing jointly, and if I choose to go solo on this, I will be penalized by the government even more.  Sadly, my attorney agrees as do a few other I asked about it.

The issues I have with this is threefold:

1. Once again, the burden is on me to make the appointment, do the legwork, etc., where she doesn't need to lift a finger (typical).
2. Even though it may save me money for 'my' taxes, I can't shake the feeling that I'll be paying for her and her tax preparation...again.
3. She truly has pitched this to me as "I'm doing you a favor".  Anytime she can take credit for something, and let other people know that she is being 'helpful' just irks me.  I'm sure her family is doting over what a 'fine' person she is, how 'brave' and 'courageous' she is in the face of my adversity.  Maybe not, but my brain works that way.

So I need to contact her probably today or tomorrow and let her know about my appointment.  Personally I don't want to see her.  I do not want her showing up the same time I do.  I think after I am done, I will be just sending her the address (they moved from last year), and count on her to agree to go.

She also is still bugging me about the paperwork on her ring.  I hate to use this as a bargaining chip or leverage, but I may not give it to her until I know she goes to the tax man.  The flip side to this is she might be angry or not agree to go at all unless I give her the paperwork first.  But she sounds like she really needs it to sell the ring.

Truth be told is that I do feel some degree of guilt thinking like this and actually carrying this out.  It doesn't "feel" Christian-like to me...to use leverage...or blackmail.  On the other hand, I can't help but also recall the dozens upon dozens of times my wife has made me wait on her to get something done, told untruths, made me jump through her 'hoops', neglected responsibilities, and more...so why do I want to make ANYTHING easy for her? 

This post kinda flies in the face of my last few ones about 'forgiveness' as well.  Doesn't seem like I have matured much in that department...and I'm aware of that.

New counsel

This morning was a legal date for our lawyers coalled the "Trial Setting Conference".  I could be wrong, but my best understanding is that both my lawyer and opposing counsel stand before the judge and claim that both sides can't work it out on their own.

Namely my settlement offer was rejected by my wife, and her rebuttle is rejected by me...at least on paper.  So hearing that the judge tells both lawyers that the next step is that we will all meet in person at some future date (I'm assuming a few weeks or so) and hash it out as one last ditch effort before it goes to trial.

My lawyer seems to be confident that 90% of all cases are settled here as neither party wants to go to court and spend the money.  I would agree, but since my wife seems to be somewhat irrational and stubborn, it will not surprise me (and to the detriment of both our pocketbooks) if she digs in and tries to "get even" in return for my rejection of her claiming to want to work it out.

She supposedly had an interview two weeks ago.  Doing what and where, I have no idea, but her part time job isn't cutting it.  That would explain why, out of nowhere, my cell phone was hammered the last 2 days with increasingly hostile text messages (all of which I ignored) for the receipt of the ring I bought her 9.5 years ago.  It seems everyones best guess is that she wants, or needs, to sell it.  I understand that, but I'll also admit it saddens me.  It was a nice ring.  I spent a lot of time picking it out and still remember the day I gave it to her in front of her parents and mine.

Even if she gave it back to me, I could never give it to someone else.  Too many memories.

But the idea that she is demanding that I cough up the receipt magically after almost ten years in silly.  Do you keep every receipt?  And why is it she expects me to jump through hoops locating and giving it to her 'now'.  When I ask for something, she gets around to it whenever she feels like it, and I'm supposed to jump because she asked me to?  Not gonna happen.

Anyway, I have a call in to a new CPA to do the taxes.  It is not determined if my ex will cooperate or not.  Part of me says 'no', because she's mad I'm not jumping at her every command these days, part of me says 'yes' because this is yet another thing I would pay for and one less thing she'd have to take care of herself.  So I have no idea.

Finally, I meet with a new counsler today.  A faith based one.  One who doesn't know me, doesn't know one iota of our story.  But I feel the continuing need and desire to have someone address some of my 'spiritual' hangups as of late.  There is a certain level of guilt, shame, failure, anger, and forgiveness I have yet to come to terms with.  Feelings that wake me up early in the morning, that paralyze me from moving forward at times, that still make me want to crawl into a fetal position at times.  But I can tell you I've been off my medication now for at least 2 months.  I did have a minor anxiety episode yesterday based on the knoweldge of today's events and the deluge of text messages she's been sending me, but I haven't caved yet.

7 Cardinal Rules

 

A friend of mine posted this to their Facebook page, and I'm re-posting it here. 

I must have read this a dozen times already today, and each time it seems to affect me in deeper way.  All of these 'rules' ring truth on some level to each of us.  At least I'd like to think that everyone can identify to a certain extent on each one of these and how they might apply to our own lives.

I'm also going to admit to you it made me tear up slightly as well.  And don't think I haven't noticed how various topics can set me into an emotional tailspin as of late either.  This week in general I have noticed I've been abit moodier in general.  I've been quick to get frustrated, quick to snap at people, quick to make judgment, etc.

So taking these one by one:

1. I'm having an unusually hard time making peace with my past. I think because I truly believe that I haven't been able to have 'my' say to my inlaws, my ex, the friends and neighbors who passed judgement on me without knowing the truth.  In my selfish way, I feel wronged, and I can't see a rational way to correct the perceptions leveled against me, the majority of which are just untrue.
2. Because I do value my friendships and relationships, this has also been a hard one to swallow.  Not that I want it to be my business, but again, I don't like the fact people have based their perceptions and severed ties with me based on falsehoods about my character.
3. Ahhh, the cliche of all cliche's.  Not sure if I believe this anymore, at least as it applies to me.  I see that it has a direct connection to the previous 2 rules.
4. Hard to do.  Especially when I know I work hard, pray hard, take my time in making decisions and try my best to alleviate any obstructions or sources of conflict.  Namely what most of us say "That's not fair."  No it isn't.  It never will be.  Need to accept that, not necessary that I 'understand' it, however.
5. Have you read my blog?  My mind is my own worst enemy.  If I could turn my thought off, the majority of all these other rules may not even factor in.
6. Well, I may think God is in charge, but I understand the intent behind this.  As in #5, my mind is my own worst enemy and I allow this to rule my state of happiness....which in case if you have't figured out by now is pretty damn vacant.
7. I couldn't imagine 'owning' all the problems of the world, nor do I want to, nor do I think I do.  I worry about my own problems, but I think (there I go with that thinking again) that the majority of my problems would not be so if certain people lived in reality and stopped putting themselves first.  And as I type that, and read it, it comes across very arrogant and selfish on my behalf.  I don't claim to have all the answers, nor do I think I am always right or have the best way...but I do have a hard time grasping the fact that others willing drop the ball, throw in the towel, give up, lie and cheat when it others peoples feelings and emotions are in play.

No Title

I can't think of a relevant title for my thoughts today.  Is it about emotions?  Is it about love?  Anger? Confusion?  Frustration? My own pity party?  Something of all of the above?

Probably the later.

I'll shamefully admit I git sucked into watching ABC's 'The Bachelor' this season staring Sean...I'm not saying this because I'm a guy, but he rally seems like a genuine dude...who really cares about people and life.  He also comes across very articulate and smart, despite the sterotypical blonde and jock features.

I really like the guy and would consider him 'quality' friendship material if I ever met him.

But this post isn't about Sean.  I'm not even sure why I got interested in watching this.  Perhaps as some hidden level I am curious to see how 'love' works on a reality show that is part entertainment and how I would react and respond to it at my own level.

Do people really fall in love this quickly?  Is it the lights, the camera, the fantasy, the preconceptions?  I'm fascinated (God, only knows why) that not just one woman, but a handful of them all have claimed to be 'falling' for a man after these brief encounters with him in a make-believe world, and knowing that other women are vying for his attention at the same time.

Okay, so most of these woman range between the ages of 24 and 32, and I think only one claims to have been married briefly once before at the age of 17, but am I that jaded in my early 40's to be so dumbfounded my their televised devotions? 

The weird thing is, I am honestly saying to you that I'm emotional (to a certain extent) on some of the outcomes of the dates and rose ceremonies.  I 'feel' for some of these women, and wonder I haven't met anyone like this myself.  Do women really throw themselves at men, and have 'love' on their mind...claiming to be a supporter of both family and a husband and seemingly neglect all other thoughts?  Or is this just TV and creative editing?  Or is it their age and not having real world experience that an extra decade or two under their belts (like me) that can form a real foundation.

It not fair to my ex-wife, and probably not fair to me either, but as a viewer (and human) I can't help but compare snippets of my life to the ones playing out on my TV every week for 2 hours at a time.  I'm suckering myself into believing that 'I' actually have a connection with these lovelorn hopefulls, and when Sean dismisses one of them during the weekly rose ceremonies, I 'feel' bad for them.  I 'feel' to the extent that I could actually picture them as possibly my own future wife...living out the fantasy that I never recieved from my own marriage.

I look at these women on TV, hear their stories, see how they act, how they respond, their mannerisms, etc., and wonder why I didn't experience any of that.

But then I need to remind myself, I am about 10 years older.  That the tropical settings of romantic islands, or cabins with roaring fires amongst serene lakes and snow capped mountains, being jetted in private planes, having 1st class dinners, driving in limosines daily, wearing tuxedos and upscale dresses is not reality.  No I drive a 5 year old SUV, and sit in traffic an hour a day, and shop at the local grocery store in my gym clothes, and pick up after my dog, and pick up cigarette butts from my neighbors in my driveway.  I buy clothes from Kohl's, and clip coupons, and occasionally have TV dinners.  I don't have a six pack (never did), am battling grey hair, and wake up sore in my joints from a hard workout from the day before.

It's not real.  And when the cameras go away, what do these women turn into?  Where do they return?  Do they have the same mundane existance most of us do?  How do they react when the 'fairy tale' is over?  Will Sean and his fiance (presumably revealed on the last show) actually get married and live happily ever after?  Or will it end a few months later like 75% of all the contestants from the previous seasons?  If they do get married, will they get divorced like 50% of couples do these days?

More importantly, why am I allowing a show get to me as much as it has and force me to really examine myself day in and day out and my feelinsgs on love?

Couponing...my new sport

I am nowhere near the level of those crazy homebodies on 'Extreme Couponing'.  I don't scour the papers, local ads, or Internet for hours at a time just to save $.25 on snacks I'll never eat in a 100 years.

But I am getting good at it.

I have to be, being a single man who supports himself these days.  It's becoming a new ritual for me.  I get the Sunday paper, sit down with a cup of coffee and my scissors, turn up the radio, and clip away the items I know I will use, and the occasional items I think I 'might' use someday in the future.

I also signed up for my grocery store's electronic rewards program where I get an email about 3 times a week for items coming up on sale.

I average around 35% savings every Sunday when I grocery shop for the week.  That's a combination of paper coupons, electronic coupons, and a little pre shopping stragegy for the week.  It's not uncommon for me now to plan out dinners based on weekly ads and how much I'll buy.

The lowest I think I've saved is around 24%.  That's when I first started.  My personal best record is either 47 or 48%, but like I said, it's generally around 35-37% for the most parts these days.  On a single income, that's quite substantial.  I'm spending roughly only $.65 on the dollar. So what used to cost me $100 in grcoceries, now only costs me around $65. This is generally pretty good as I figure I'm saving about $100 a month (probably more like $125-150), or $1,200+ a year.

I wish I could say this also translates into eating healthier....but alas, it doesn't.  I don't buy candy bars, sugar cereal, soda pop, or heavily breaded or fried fare...but I do get an occasional frozen pizza now, or some other 'rich' skillet meal with cheese sauce (maybe some Haburger or Tuna helper).  I could still cut back on the carbs I suppose, and eat more veggies or 'natural' products.  I'm aware of this, and do try, sometimes with better results than others.  I also note that I ingest a little too much sodium though from frozen meals or cup of noodles I take to work for lunch. 

I'm getting good at noting marketing patterns as well.  I don't think most guys pay any attention to this, and perhaps women do but they just don't discuss it or find it interesting as I do.  What I'm saying is that I can predict pretty well now when certain items will go on sale based on upcoming holidays, or coupons in the weekly paper, commericials, or even judging marketing/sales cyles (Ex: Oscar Meyer lunch meats have not been on sale the past two weeks, but Hormel and Johnson Farms has, so Oscar Meyer is due for a sale either next week or the week after).  That's a lame example, but it holds true.  If Coke is on sale this week, Pepsi products usually are the following, and I save coupons for my next trip.

I even bought myself a coupon organizer from Amazon sometime back, and it really helps.

These savings also translate into me bringing more bagged lunches at work.  Not only is this a savings from going out to lunch a few times a week, it also save me money on gas.  I noticed that over the last few months, my estimated MPG in my car has crept up from 19 MPG to 20.2 MPG these days.  I'm actually making my tank stretch a little further nowadays as well, which is really important since gas prices in my area just spiked again ($4.29 a gal for 87 octane today).

Going to CR on Friday nights, or just staying home has also helped.  I'm not hitting the town throwing away $25 for friday night dinners and drinks.  If I am going to have a beer or a mixed drink, I do it at home.  I can get a whole bottle of Jack Daniels on sale for around $15, whereas a single Jack & Coke's at the local watering hole is now $6 each!  There was a while I was having a few beers every Friday night after work.  Generally that was $20 give or take afew every Friday...probably closer to $85 - 100 a month.  Now I don't.  That's a huge saving right there if you think about it.

Video games?  I buy used or wait until they are 3-4 months old, because they usually drop in price afetr an appropriate cycle in time like most software.  Why buy a game on day 1 for $59.99, when I can get it for $29.99 or $39.99 4 months from now?

Lastly, this mentality has carried over to my utilities as well.  I may have mentioned it before, but when I am gone to work for the day, I don't have fans running in the house 24/7 as 'we' did under the old regime.  I unplug certain appliances if not in use (toaster, electric shaver chargger, oscilating fans, etc.) and make sure the lights are all off. With her out of the house, my utilities have actually dropped to 1/3rd their former level...yes..this is fact.

I get a kick when the checker behind the cash register looks at me and says, "Pretty good for a guy.  I'm impressed."

So call that a silver lining if you will.

A Lesson from Paul

When others are happy, be happy with them.  If they are sad, share their sorrow.  Live in harmony with each other.  Don't try and act important, but enjoy the company of ordinary people.  And don't think you know it all! 

Never pay back evil for evil to anyone.  Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.  Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible.

Dear friends, never avenge yourselves.  Leave that to God.  For it is written:

"I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it," says the Lord.

Instead, do wha the Scriptures say"

"If your enemies are hungry, feed them.  If they are thirsty, give them something to drink, and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you."

Don't let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good. (Romans 12: 15-21)

This passage is from my New Believers Bible, a slightly more simplistic version than the same verses in my NIV bible, but same nonetheless.

After debating on not going to church yesterday because I really wasn't in the mood to do so, I'm glad that a friend talked me into going afterall.  The message seemed longer than usual, but perhaps God really needed to speak AT me and TO me.

See, I've been struggling the last few weeks in regards to forgivness, a degree of bitterness, thoughts of 'justice' and 'fairness', and overall moving on.  But that's the rub, these issues I am guilty of making MY own, and not placing faith in God that He will see me through it all.

If you'll recall, it wasn't to long ago I was speaking of forgiveness right here in an earlier post.  But it just wasn't about me forgiving, but trying my hardest to remember not to seek the world's brand of justice, not to seek revenge, not to drag her down as far as I can in a game of "Who's going to win this"?

The real answer is, we both already lost.  But who gains to lose more?  Not just financially, but spiritually, and in happiness.  Yes, she may indeed get 1/2 my money that I saved up and she blew through her own.  I may have the law decide I own her for four years while she continues to do nothing.

But I have a chance of finding a different type of happiness.  My habits will bring me new friends, and hopefully someday a new outlook, where I can be at peace with myself inside.  Perhaps He will introduce me to someone else, someone appreciative of what I have to offer and recognize my hard work and values for what they are and continue to be. 

On the other hand, what are the chances of her doing the same?  She will go through the alimony, she will be continue to fault everyone else, she will continue to surround herself with enablers and those who don't know His word.

My grandfather is in his mid 90's, I'm in my early 40's, and I can look back over the last 30 years of my relationship with him and realize that my grandfather is still bitter although he tries to bury it deep down inside and pretend its not there.  But we see it.  He isn't fooling anyone.

He never remarried.  He never allowed himself to find that kind of joy again.  If I listen to my mom and my aunt and my grandmother, then my grandfather has been smoldering for over 50 years now.

I don't want to be that guy.

Yesterday's message was more than just being about forgiveness.  It was about not seeking vengeance.  Not seeking tit-for-tat.  Not seeking to reject.  Not about "getting even".  Instead it was about letting God handle the inequities in life, that He will deal out His justice when He is ready.  It may take months, even years, or maybe in the afterlife, but He will determine the outcome if I trust Him. 

Instead I am to kill her with kindness.

To be honest, that's hard for any of us to do.  And I am no different from anyone else. 

I can fully admit that I'm guilty of wanting to dole out my own brand of justice.  But if I do?  Does that make me any better than her?  Do I get a trophy if she is miserable and I "win"?  Will my own thoughts betray me and blind me from letting me see the person I may possibly meet in the future?  Will my own smoldering rage scare others away?  Will I miss the mark of eternal joy because I was hung up on something trivial, and material that I can't take with me into the next life anyway?  Will God look at me and say "You didn't get it my son.  I told you to forgive as I have forgiven you.  I wanted you to be a light amongst others, but instead you squandered any possible joy you could have experienced with thoughts of injustice and anger and drove others from you instead of to you."

God also says he doesn't remove anything from the faithfulls lives that He doesn't replace with something better.

I want that "better".  Not because I am greedy or claim to 'deserve' it for my trials and tribulations, but because I want to share with someone I can respect and will respect back.  I want to be treated the way I treat others and how I would treat a wife, a spouse, a helpmate, a soulmate.  I want to be secure in giving my love out again, and knowing that person will love me...in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, who puts marriage first....above stagnant gossipers trudging through life and have disposable relatinships because they may not agree on one thing.

My pastor finished yesterday with the an old saying, but he added something new (at least to me) at the end:

"They say 'Revenge is a dish best served cold'.  Perhaps, but it tends to leave an aweful aftertaste for all the rest of your days."

All quiet on the Western front....sorta

It's been relatively quiet the last few weeks, that is to say, I haven't heard anything directly from 'her' side since my last post.  Which all things considering, is a good thing for me.

I spoke to my lawyer once, I think the same day as I posted, later in the afternoon and he told me not to worry.  He says this was a ludicrous offer and only a judge, out of his/her mind, would accept this.  Which begs me to ask, if the counetr offer is so outlandish to begin with, why did her lawyer allow that offer to even float over?  I guess it really doesn't matter...maybe her lawyer allowed this to happen to either: A) see if they could get a rise out of me and how I would react, or B) Everything my ex-wife does earns her lawyer $$, even the silly stuff she can be billed for, but I do indeed wonder how my wife is paying for this all.

I know I'll end up paying her some alimony, but the longer she doesn't get her hands on it, the better.  The only news I really have to report is that my lawyer and hers have a meeting on Feb. 26th as a preliminary to setting a trial date.  This is mandated by the court and I have a copy of the official summons, so it is moving at a snail's pace....but it is moving.

One really sad thing happened this past week that breaks my heart, but also goes to prove yet again that my wife has infact not changed is the following:  My step-daughter turns 21 in about two weeks from now and she posted the fact she is having a party in a few weeks.  A mutual friend of my wife's and mine (Mostly my wife as they grew up together, went to school together, were best friends at some point) asked my step-daughter if she could attend.  My step-daughter said yes and sent my wife's friend the details.

The very next day, my step-daughter (who as I said will be 21) was forced to call this person and "un-invite" her per my wife's crazy demands.  My wife is upset that this person was "one" of the people that shared the fact that she lied to me and went out of town to meet her male 'friend' when I was led to believe she was taking part of a girl's night out only 30 minutes from our house, as opposed to 4 hours away in another state.

So yes, my wife has been texting some nasty stuff to her ex-friend blaming her for taking my side, and thus is not invited to her daughter's birthday.  This person has helped my wife so many times in the past, even prior to me, by babysitting her daughter when she was growing up, attending other functions, and countless other favors.

There is absolutely nothing I can do here but shake my head at my ex.  This person is heart-broken for being uninvited, but not by my daughter, but by my ex.  My ex is so bitter and angry in these text messages, there is no way she has 'changed'.  How she has her parents believing she is, is beyond me.

This is the person who accuses me for not being able to forgive her, but apparently she can't forgive her own best friend for exposing her own double-life.  Good Lord.  Even though this incident has nothing directly to do with me, it still affects me indirectly to see how vitriolic my wife can be and how she continues to hurt those that don't agree with her or see her side.

I told this person she is better off.  Be strong.  You didn't do anything wrong.  Your only crime (and it's only a crime to my wife) is that you exposed her lies, and you weren't the only one.  Why do you want to be associated with someone who can throw away a 30 year friendship just as easily as an 8 year marriage? Be happy.  Don't let her rob your joy, because if you get caught up in the drama, you gave 'her' the power....that is me talking from experience....first hand.

"It's not about the money.....But,...."

"....I want all of yours, even though I blew all mine."

Ah, the famous mantra of my estranged wife.

If you haven't been paying attention as of late, this weeks marks just over 10 months that my wife walked out on me.  And when she walked out on me, she took with her:

• More than 1/2 our joint checking account.
• Went through over $20K of her 401K/IRA savings (which I never saw a penny of).
• Left me to pay her Federal Income taxes.
• Stuck me with the entire property taxes for the year and homeowners insurance.
• Stuck me with a Credit Card with $3,200 in debt that she incurred solely.

She currently lives with her parents, rent free and has a 40 hour a week job that pays in cash...under the table...so who knows if she has any legitimate or legal earning W2.

I currently pay:

• Her medical benefits coverage.
• Her $3,200 CC in which I make monthly payments of $87 and have been for the past 10 months.
• I paid her Federal Income taxes since we filed jointly before she left.
• Mortgage, ALL utilities, my own car, insurance, gas, groceries, vet bills (BTW, she has never once asked about the dog).
• I cannot rent out the spare bedroom, because that is where all her clothes, shoes, personal belongings are....in boxes....that she won't pick up.  So I'm effectively "storing" her possessions for free.

I have offered her 2 seperate, more-than-fair proprosals, where as much as it pains me, I have capitulated certains additional sacrifices just to have her move on and out.  Both of them have been rejected.  We have no children together,, and I have gotten her at least 3 job interviews in between her sitting about the house all day long playing 'Words with Friends'.

For the past 10 months she has told me how she has "changed", that I need to give her another "chance".  That I was controlling the money. -WAIT. RIGHT. HERE.  Can someone explain to me how I controlled all the money...if we had seperate checking and savings accounts?  How was I controlling when I paid all the bills...on time....and bought everything for the house.  If I "controlled" the money...where did the money come from when she bought liquor and cigarettes?  If I "Controlled" the money, why were the banks looking for her and not me?  Who between the two of us had a bankruptcy prior to our marriage and had issues with the IRS?  NOT ME.

So this leads me up to today.

I got a new counter-offer today from her attorney.  My own attorney even had to chuckle, and said this is clearly a 'stall tactic' and cannot be serious.  Today's counter offer is as such:

• She wants 1/2 of my 401K.  Lord knows I can't ask for 1/2 of hers...she already took it out of the bank, and spent it when she wasn't supposed to because of the divorce.
• She wants 1/2 the house.  The house she never paid one dime for because she was bankrupt, the one where I paid all the taxes on it, the insurance, home improvements, etc.  The house she VOLUNTARILY walked out of 10+ months ago.
• She wants me to now pay her entire CC debt, in the neighborhood of $6K.  The debt she cannot pay.  The debt where the CC companies call for HER.  The CC's with the insane interest rates she incurred because of bad decisions, and could never pay back.
• And the best one.  She wants 60% of my monthly income for support and we don't even have kids.

But as she tells me...."It's not about the money."

Well, if it's not, why are you so keen on taking all of mine after your blew all of yours?