Anxiety at 3:30am

After drinking too much Ice-Tea yesterday, I found myself losing track of time and not hitting the sack until about 11:15pm.. Granted the time just changed two days ago, so maybe my body thought it was 10:15 instead.

Pretty uneventful day at work yesterday, and it looks that way again today.  Pretty slow which has given me time to think too much and then try to distract myself by listening to some podcasts I subscribe to via my phone.

I went to the gym both Saturday and Sunday, and since my dad came over this morning to walk my dog, I brought my gym clothes again with me today and I hope to get a decent shoulder workout in tonight for about 30 minutes or so before I go back home.

So a car alarm went off at 3:30 am this morning somewhere in my neighborhood.  Once I shook the cobwebs out and became somewhat aware, I decided I needed to use the restroom as well.  I looked out various windows, but never could identify where the alarm was coming from.  But I also became aware that I had a knot behind my sternum which was actually somewhat uncomfortable and interfered with my breathing.

This happens to me on occasion.  Not as much as it used to, but it does happen.  It's a mild anxiety attack.  The thing is, I have no idea what may have caused it.  I had no alcohol last night, ate a healthy meal, walked my dog after work, etc., etc.  The only thing I can think of is the fact I have to contact my wife sometime today...probably via email...to let her know she has to do her own taxes.

So I took a Clonzapam at 3:38 this morning and awaited for the effects to kick in (usually about 15 minutes).  Soon, I was sound asleep again, and even had a hard time waking up.

In the big scheme of things, this really is a trivial matter.  She's a big girl, and lord knows she is capable, albeit lazy and is expecting me to do it.  And while there should be absolutely no reason for any confrontation in regards to this, I fully expect some backlash.

I can only surmise that I've been thinking about this the last three days and at some deep level within have psyched myself out...in fear.  Isn't that sad?  I'm actually fearful on how she is going to react and I can't even justify why.  What's even more oxymoronic about this whole thing is in one of the podcasts I was listening to yesterday, the whole hour was on 'male confidence', the lack thereof and how to build it.

When I think about myself, I feel fairly confident in many aspects of my life: I've never had an issue making friends.  I am confident in my work abilities.  I am confident in my education and various skills.  I am confident in most of my personal convictions.  But I am not always confident with the opposite sex.

Yep, I said it.

I feel like I can carry on a conversation with a woman.  I can be friends with them.  I can work with them.  I can respect them.  But somehow they disarm me in a way that I suppose I mentally cower at times in terms of speaking about relationships and conflict.  I do not believe I am the 'cave man' or 'Alpha male'.  I tend to be submissive..most likely because I hate conflict.  I want people to like me, so I strive to be delicate and my boundaries are not well defined.  I am emotional.

All this plays into the definition that I am codependant.

I need to 'buk up' as they say and get my 'man card' back.  I can be strong without being a prick and that's what I need to do.  I nee to tell her: "This is how it is NOW...", and be done with it.  Don't get sucked into what she thinks or says or does, or what her family says, thinks, or does.  I need to be captain of my own ship now.  I need to believe that.  I need to own that.  I need to act the part.