Tuesday.
I texted my wife in the morning: "Thinking of you and saying prayers for us."
No response.
More and more frustration is setting in. Two days have gone by now and I feel as if I am in utter limbo. I have no idea what is going on...with anyone....which makes my exsistence at work feel all the more lonely.
I can't believe I'm still able to function at work while averaging 3-4 hours of sleep a night and extreme anxiety of an unclear future. I'm going home tonight to an empty house. My step-daughter has elected to spend the night at a friends house for the next two nights, so I know I have the whole place to myself.
Later in the afternoon, a fellow church member from my men's group (a former drug an alcoholic himself in a former life...now sober for 15+ years) offers to come by my house sometime tonight, and I agree. I could use a little company and spiritual support.
It's cold when I get home at 5:40pm so I turn on the heater. A quick look around shows that everything in the house appears to be intact. A decent sign I suppose.
I put some of my toiletries away, look through the mail, and take a nice hot shower and jump in my sweats. I don't have much of an appetite still, but I manage a few tortilla chips and some salsa and a large glass of water.
There's my own whisky bottle at the bar...mocking me. I want my own drink. My carnal side desires it, feels that I deserve it for the crap I've been going through the last 72 hours. Just one glass will help take the edge off I figure, maybe warm my belly, and help me sleep better.
Then my spirtual side kicks in. No. I can't. Isn't this what the whole thing is about? Alcohol abuse? How better am I if I start to go down that path? I decide not to afterall.
Finally at around 6:45, not just one, but two men from my church support group stops by and allows me to unload. This isn't their problem, this isn't their life, yet they lived it themselves before in the past and just sit and listen. I really needed that. I really needed to just talk to someone that I wasn't related to....who could identify because they had their own issues in the past. I'm very thankful for them.
I'm not sure what I expected. They prayed for me, my wife, the situation....but nothing has changed. Has it?
They leave at 8pm and I manage to stay up until 10. I go to bed and quickly fall asleep with the help of a single sleeping pill. I put on an extra blanket because I'm cold, and I like the feeling of the extra weight, and the house is empty other than my dog who cuddles up next to me.
I awake suddenly at 2:30am. My heart is beating fast and there's a knot in my sternum.....anxiety and stress. I spend the next 1.5 hours praying for the thousandth time, the same prayer. I've said it so many times now, I'm not even sure if I mean it anymore. I want to...I want to badly...but I can't think of anything new to say or ask.
I've been told to Thank Jesus for everything....that everything unfolds via His hand...if I only place my trust in Him. Paul tells us: "Do not worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand." (Eph 4:6-7)
I try this over and over and over again, yet I feel no peace. And what excatly am I to thank God for in this situation? I'm at a loss for an answer.
I sleep a bit more, but get up at 6am. I have a cup of coffee, pop my pills, read my devotional, say goodbye to my dog and drive up to work. Another long day ahead of me.
I still haven't heard from my wife, or feel any better about anything.....
Next: Wed/Thur
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