Pity Party I or "I don't feel like a Christain today"

Today is day 8 since my wife left.

My step-daughter is supposedly returning tonight, which has left me alone for 5 very lonely days at home.

I met with my therapist yesterday for the 1st time. A guy. A Baptist who is also not afraid to talk about God/Christ which I suppose is a blessing for me.

I broke down. I walked in to his office with I thought was some resolve and a tinge of hostility that had been building the last few days within me, but with 10 minutes of talking to him, I could no longer hold back, and the eyes teared up again. I wonder if my wife cries?

As a Christian, I am supposed to forgive, and I have to the best of my ability. But I'll be honest in saying yesterday I hurt so bad, that I wished that she would feel bad as well. Even if it's a quarter of the pain I feel, I'm ashamed to say I wanted her to hurt as well. That is so wrong, but in some twisted way I just want her to feel like her heart got stomped on.

I sent her an email this morning, along with some copies of some of her bills that have come to the house. I've been asked by people to take care of myself, to try and detach, to pick up the pieces of my life and to move on until she makes a move. It's very, very hard and easier said than done.

I miss her so much....but I don't know why. It's been a less than stellar relationship for the past two years and I think I have tried everything I could have to save it. But that doesn't mean I ever stopped loving her, no matter how many times family and friends told me she treats me like crap. Am I glutton for punishment? Am I really that sick in co-dependency myself that I can't see a brighter tomorrow, or that there is grass on the other side of the fence, or light at the end of the tunnel?

I feel as if ten years of my existence are slowly fading to black and I ahev no control of the dial. No, I'm not going to burn her pictures up, or tear them up in some theatrical scene. I'm just not that type of person. I don't hate her, nor do I despise her. But I can't explain the amount of lingering pain I feel day in and day out right now either. Perhaps it's fear of the unknown and uncharted.

Anyway, I told her I was praying for her and for me yet again. I didn't even bring up alcohol. I just told her I started seeing a therapist and that I pray that God softens her resolve. I didn't ask her if she misses me, or wants a divorce, or when she thinks she may come back. I didn't ask if she's having a good time or what she's up to. I think I'm afraid to know the answer.

Imagine my surprise when I received an email response back stating she wants to talk to me tonight on the phone. She ended the letter by signing off "Love always.", but I can't help but think that's the kiss of death. In my mind I've already jumped to the conclusion she's going to try and let me down easy or tell me it's over. I have no proof of that, but I can't help but feel that it's coming. That's 3 hours from now....the next thee hours is going to be hell.