So I contacted lawyer 'B' yesterday, and he not only called me back today, he scheduled my appt for Mar. 22nd. He claims that he has 35+ years of Family Law practice, and my consulation will be $200 and about an hour and a half long.
That's two weeks from now, so anything can happen between now and then. Maybe my wife will get the job out of state? Maybe my in-laws will convince her to enter rehab? Maybe she will tell me to ____-off anyways?
Anyway, today is day 2 where I have not ingested a Xanax. I'm still on Lexapro, 20mg, but that's it. My appetite is slowly coming back as well, but not 100%. I've been sleeping a tad bit better, but I did awake a few times last night (1am, 2:44am, 4:30am) and finally got up at 6:15am.
My wife and I are still barely speaking to each other. Me, because I haev nothing to say, nor do I want to start in on anything, but I am being cordial and civil. Her,....well, she's also being civil but more or less giving me a wide berth. I have a suspicision she's afraid to talk to me as well.
I had tentative plans to have dinner with my friends tomorrow night, but it looks like that fell through for now. That's a mixed bag. If I had went, that would remove me from my wife, but I'm sure she'd say something unpleasant about it and say something stupid. On the other hand, I'm in no real place to spend money right now in lieu of things and not really sure I am the best of company either. But does this open myself up to her discussions towards me over the next 48 hours? I mean, I will go home tonight, but am I going to face 'her' music? If not tonight, what about all day tomorrow? What about Sunday? Has her father even picked up the phone yet to call her as he said he would? (I haven't heard anything, so I assume not).
Will I go home this weekend only to find the neighbors who think of me as the snake now in my driveway? Will I get more evil snears or dagger eyes?
I think Sunday, I will go to my mom's house in the morning to visit with my dog. My dad is still out of town. No word on my grandmother either.
Listened to my audiobook on the way to work and am learning more about myself, and how I've been reacting to all the drama the last year or so. Now that I can hear it from another perspective, I realize that a lot of my emotional turmoil was brought upon myself, because I lowered my defenses and allowed it to bother me.
One thing I liked from Al-Anon, the 3 C's:
- I did not Cause it.
- I cannot Control her.
- I cannot Cure her.
It's in the Lord's hands, and ultimately she has to make certain decisions. And if they are the wrong ones for me, I don't have to adhere or be controlled by those decisions unless I allow myself to be.
It's about finding my voice. Again.
I don't have to be mean. I don't have to be judgemental. I don't have to let it bring me down or affect me...not unless I allow it to.
It's about me being calm and collected and trying my hardest to draw definitive lines in the sand. Black & White. Actions = consequences. (Heh...that looks tough here as I type it, but can I really put it into practice and stick to it? - That's the $100K question).
My mom spoke 'at' me again yesterday via phone. She's under the impression (and therefor, conclusion) my wife will not change....ever.
She's urging me to divorce. My mom wants me to be happy. I've hid a lot from her over the years...to protect her...and myself. I never lied to her...I just chose not to tell her about my wife's issues, or mine for that matter, but it's all out there now.
When she listened to everybody else and their dealings with my wife during the failed intervention, my mother was stunned.
She's upset I didn't have the 'balls' to leave sooner.
My mom is old school...hardcore. If it were up to her, I should have been divorced 2-3 years ago when my health was first starting to be affected, she just didn't know to what extent my emotional and physical states were...because I learned to mask my feelings an hour at time here and there. I put on the good face at family events, all the while I was miserable.
That's it for now.
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