The end of a marriage, or a new beginning (Part V)

Hey there all. I want to thank so many people for their support, not that anyone is happy about the situation I find myself in, but the support coming from people that both know me, and those that don't that have offered my wife and myself up for prayer.

No one ever enters a marriage thinking it will end. I know I didn't, and that's perhaps why I waited until I was 32 years old. We dated almost a whole year before we walked down that aisle together and I still remember thinking how beautiful she was in that dress, and visions of kids, and growing old together.

Today I fired off a letter to the lawyer I met back on the Feb 22nd to ask for a follow up meeting at the end of this month to see whether or not I make the very hard and painful decison to move on with my life and try to find some semblance of peace. For as long as my wife denies treatment, continues to put herself first before everyone else, and can't face her demons, then neither she nor I will ever be happy.

As my mother in law told me yesterday (swear), she knows that I have put up with more than anyone could have asked, that I stuck it out through all the bad with very little good and neither she or my father-in-law fault me.

I know I said Wed/Thur would be next in this series, but nothing of note happened. I tried to reach out to my wife on Thursday, but was ignored. And apparently so was everyone else. The only sad thing I have to report is that the neighbor who sent me that ugly text message last Sunday....well, I ran into her on the street. I only planned on having a 5 minute conversation with her, but got sucked into listening to the most one-sided, biased diatribe based on very little factual information ever. I was polite and cordial, midnful to keep my mouth shut and to listen...(kill them with kindness is what I remember hearing).

It was pretty evident that 15 minutes into me listening to her, that I had lost a friend and neighbor. I was told that the intervention was wrong, even more so that the family was involved. Um...then how do interventions work? Who did she think shoudl be involved? Her? The neighborhood enablers? If my wife wanted to quit drinking and could do so on her own, we wouldn't be here today. Do you think I really wanted to do this? To make my life a living hell, be liable for a DUI or worse, and put up with all the shennanigans the whole family has put up for a long time now....just because you're the neighbor and her friend and you think we're ganging up on her?

Good God, I know for a fact if her own daughter was caught up into something bad, she'd do everything possible to save her daughter and could give a rats ass what some schmuck 5 doors down has to say when they only have tidbits of information. Oh well, I suppose that's the least of my current worries.

Every night this past week I've been awakened at 2am, just pondering over things. My thoughts are like that of a scratched record, that keep skipping back and repeating themselves dozens upon dozens of times before I drift back to sleep and muddle through another long day of semi-productive work.

For the first time in years (other than being ill), I was in bed at 9:30pm on Friday night. I skipped bible study Saturday morning. Instead I took my dog for a good hour walk, did chores about the house, 2 loads of laundry, and even went to the gym to ride the bike for 30 minutes. Still dropping weight like a mad-man. Today I weighed in at 210.4 lbs. On January 1st of this year I was 234.6. That's 24.2 lbs I've lost, and not all from diet and excercise....

My appetite is 'meh', and I've been drinking either water or coffee. The last sip of alcohol that touched my lips was one tumbler of whisky on ice 7 days ago to help me relax, and before that, it was another 7 days. So I've had one drink in the past 14 days myself.

I've gotten a lot of advice over the last few days. Tons of text messages, from family and church friends. It's wild to read all the advice. It appears that most think I'm okay to get a divorce, albeit a small number keep asking me to hold on and hold out waiting for some divine answer or act from God. But how long do I wait? Another year? Another 2? Wait until she kills someone? Some think that the mere filing of papers and serving her will show make her sit up and take notice on just how far I've been pushed.

Believe me, I am not taking this lightly at all. In my hearts of hearts, I really am still holding out that something will change in the coming days or weeks, but sooner or later I have to draw a line in the sand. I think it will be the end of the month.

If this isn't bad enough, my father...my rock and support system had to fly off early Saturday morning. My parents got a call a few days back (they didn't want to tell me to help protect me), that his mothers, (my grandmother), health is failing and she may not make it past this week. She's 95 years old, but that doesn't make it any easier. She's saved, but today she's lucid at best. My mom is alone at her house, worrying about both me and my dad. My mom is about to crumble as well emotionally.

So yes, when it rains it pours...and that may explain my rapid weight loss. My stress can be measured on the Rhicter scale.

To be continued....