Not a good day.

Monday morning my wife and I got into an argument...one of the reasons I was so mad. It didn't help that I recieved an email from my SIL wondering how committed I was all of a sudden to the cause. It was kinda a hrash email, and I understand where she is coming from, but at the same time, she's not me, nor is she standing in my shoes, or living under my roof to see the day to day dealing sI go through.

Last night the interventionist held another conference call. My parents did not attend. My step-daughter said she felt that she was being placed in the middle of things (I understand that too) and did not want to participate any longer as she sees nothing happening (I agree).

So it was my BIL/SIL, me, interventionist, & MIL/FIL. FIL didn't say one thing on the phone, so I may as well write him off as well. So we're almost at half strength now.

The first 30 minutes of the call was my BIL/SIL telling me I need to do more. They said I missed opportunities to put my foot down and play hard ball. There is some truth to that, but it was very hard to hear their combined criticism for 30 minutes. I could feel myself fighting back the tears out of frustration. It must be so nice to sit in a sperate house 30 miles away and criticize my every move whether they see it or not and think they have one iota of the pesonal conflict and pain I am going through on a daily basis.

They even told me I need to see a professional therapist...of course at my expense. I've already agreed to go to Al-Anon for them (again, tomorrow night), I am going to a men's support group on Saturday mornings, church on Sundays, listening to the 'Codependent' audio book.....plus I work. How much more can one person do? I'm tapped out.

My wife brought home a six pack of beer on Sunday night and by the time I got home yesterday evening (she went bowling) I noted that two were missing (i.e. drank). Everyone on the phone said I needed to get tough and pour it all out, and tell my wife that our house is now an 'alcohol free zone', and that includes me as well.

I poured one out this morning, but left three. I figure when I get home I will have to sit down and have a talk I am not looking forward to...actually aprehensive and stressed out about...and tell her about the conference call last night and what the family decided that I have to be the trigger man for.

I can only imagine how that is going to go, on top of the argument we had yesterday morning. To me, this is only one more nail in the coffin for our marriage, and everytime I have to get tough either on my behalf or on my families behalf, it only seems to get worse for me.

So this morning, on top of my restless sleep, I have a ball of anxiety that called for a Xanax...that does not appear to be working for me.

Right now I just want to go home and crawl in bed and be left alone. Today is going to be a hard day to concentrate.