A new dawn.

I had absolutely no contact with my wife yesterday.

I went to work and tried to manage my day as effectively as I could, knowing I would be driving to my parents after work and picking up my pup. The irritating thing is traffic. It took me 45 minutes to get to my parents house yesterday from work and it's only about 20 miles with 15 of those miles on a 5 lane freeway.

Someday I will leave this state as well.

I got back to my house just prior to 7pm and my daughter came home shortly thereafter. She had a bad day too. I know she's hurting but dealing with it in her own way. She asked me if she could spend the night at a friends house, and I said yes, but her friend bailed on her...like her mother did only hours before.

I am going to take her out to pizza tonight. Just her and me. No Al-Anon today, but I promise I will resume next week, and I will go to my men's group this Saturday as well. If I'm lucky, my parents may still take me out for a belated birthday dinner to a BBQ joint I love.

My MIL texted me yesterday and asked me to lunch for today. I agreed. She said she wanted to see me in person, that a text was too impersonal. I asked her if this was about pointing out my failures and where I went wrong. She said, "No. Stop beating yourself up." But I'm scared. It's just a lunch, but she knows I am hurting. She signed off "I will always be your MIL". That made me cry. That's where I lost it for 10 minutes yesterday.

My daughter went to her room and I sat downstairs on the couch and watched TV with my dog until 9:30. Sitting in the dark, alone, the only light from my plasma flat-screen. She only took her clothes, toiletries, shoes, luggage, and her fan. Everything else was still there...even the dozen or so wedding pictures over the years....mocking me. I may have to put them away for the time being, but unsure how I am going to explain that to my daughter.

I'm tempted to share with you a wedding picture of us back from 2003. That way you can put faces to my wiritings. I don't know if I can though, I'm not sure I'm ready.

I didn't have a Xanax yesterday, nor a sleeping pill. I did fall asleep around 10pm, but woke up at least 3 times: 1am, 3:30am, 5am, and got up at 6:15. Fed my dog, had a cup of coffee, and took more of a visual inventory of the house. It needs dusting, and the kitchen floor a mopping. I put the dishes away (she ran the dishwasher before she left).

I sat once again on the couch this morning, letting the heater try to warm the house, alone with my thoughts. This morning I missed her. Despite all the crap, arguments, pain, alcohol, denial, etc....I miss her. I don't know why...I honestly don't.

Not one to carry grudges very long, I texted her the following this morning:

"I apologize for the way I left yesterday. I'm extremely hurt over all this and it pains me. I hope you have a good day. Love always - Me"

30 minutes later she replied:

"I appreciate the apology....I too am extremely hurt by this and this is not easy for me! I hope you have a good day as well....I did make it safely....love always back - Me"

I'm doing all I can right now, and failing miserably, to hold back my tears. As I type this sentence right now, tears are streaming down my face and wondering how I'm going to last today.

2 hours until I meet my Mother-in-Law.