Debunking the debunking of Jesus (Part 1)

It saddens me today that so much of what we see and read on the Internet is 'assumed' true just because it's on the net.  As we've heard the sarcastic cliché time and time again, "Hey, if it's on the Internet, it must be true."

Faith and belief go hand in hand, and at times the 'world truths' (anything but) will contradict the bible and proclaim their own truths instead of the inspired Word of God.  But that's human nature, and it's not going to change, so we have to resign ourselves to hoping and trusting that the beliefs we have accepted are in fact, the truth.

Salon.com, (a fairly liberal webzine), has recently published an article ('lo and behold, just prior to Easter...of course) on the 9 things you think you know about Jesus are probably wrong.  I note that they use the word 'probably' as to allow themselves some modicum or wiggle-room and plausible deniability if the heat gets too hot, but in this day and age, the world doesn't care about the truth.  Especially when the truth is inconvenient to our egotistical and narcissistic lifestyles.  But then again, that's what the enemy wants us to believe, that Jesus was not that special after all.  That Jesus was 'just' a man, and not THE savior of mankind, and/or divine.

Out of the 9 points they raise, some of them are in fact no big deal and does not diminish Jesus' divinity or message, such as the length of his hair, or how tall he wasn't (meaning He was probably short, as most Jewish men at that time were). 

But others are straight out blasphemy (IMHO), but are discussed in such a manner that they don't appear to be a big deal to the human race of 2015.  But in fact, they do contradict biblical verses.  And if we accept that there are contradictions in the bible, the inspired Word of God, then the next logical step is to say "The bible has untruth in it, so it cannot be taken seriously." Well, since God does not lie, nor does he actively attempt to deceive people (that would be against His own nature), then we as readers and followers of God cannot accept these contradictions as truths.

One of the points made was that the 12 numbered disciples were based on the number of astronomical signs, as in the 12 signs of the zodiac.  What?  The author goes on about the number possibly coming from the 12 Olympian gods, or the 12 sons of Odin, or the 12 successors to Mohammed, and just a mention of 'possibly' representing the 12 tribes of Israel.

So why do I debunk this?  The bible clearly states numerous times in the Old Testament that man should avoid anything that dabbles in the occult, magicians, astrologers, stargazers, prognosticators, soothsayers, etc. (you get the gist).  I won't list all the verses line by line, word for word, but here's a list of scriptures that should actively get you away from the connections of the zodiac:

• Duet 18:9-12
• Daniel 4:7
• Levi 19:31
• Dan 2:27-28
• Duet 4:19
• Isaiah 47:12-15
• Jer 10:2-3
• Micah 5:12
• Levi 19:26
• Levi 20:6

If you do take the time to read these, and take them to heart, the bible and Jesus state numerous times that no-one knows or can foretell their destiny.  That taking your eyes and heart and focus off of Him and instead investing time, money, and energy into other sources is not only foolish, but generally concludes with bad results.

And if the verses above don't directly speak to you, then perhaps His first commandment will: "Thou shall not have any other gods before me."  This refers to idols.  ALL idols; the physical, the spiritual, the intrinsic and non-intrinsic.  Do you not think the stars (or astrology) can be an idol(s)?  Of course they can be.  If you look upon the sky and place favor on celestial body positioning and let that guide your decisions, you are in-fact placing these created heavenly bodies (made by the Creator Himself) into a higher position than God Himself.  Even if you are not 'worshipping' said stars, you are indeed taking supplication to an idol.  Sure, God created the stars and mankind has used these heavenly bodies to mark time and location.  They have helped travelers sail the seas, adventures get their bearings, have marked planting and harvesting seasons, and more.  But they were created by Him to be used as tools, not for divination.

Satan uses these same tools, but for corruption.  He takes the well intended and warps them in any way he can to, once again, take your eyes off of God...to sow doubt...to have you place your faith (and ultimately your soul) into anything but salvation.

This is a broken world, and here is why.

I saw a Facebook post earlier today from the page "F*** it, let's all have a beer."

The post was from a man who claimed to have grown up in the Catholic church, who has stated that since he has seen how the Islamic terrorist group ISIS has set a Jordanian pilot on fire, despite all his praying, there cannot be a God.

Well, he probably didn't come to that conclusion based on that one death.  I think we can all agree that there are horrible deaths, injustices, diseases (i.e. Ebola, HIV, etc.), geo-political issues that result in genocide or war on a daily basis. 

We are much more aware of this stuff today because we live in the information age.  There is Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Reddit, 24hr news cycles, and the like.  These technologies, while seemingly modern marvels brings our world closer together with every passing day.  Things aren't 'off the radar' anymore like they were even 10 years ago, let alone a generation or two, or even a century.

World census estimates that in 2015 there are approx. 7 billion people on this planet now.  In 1970, it was estimated at around 3.7 billion, and in 1950, it was closer to 2.55 billion.  Suffice to say that in the last 50 years, the population of this earth has doubled.  With it brings a lot of evil.

You cannot deny that evil doesn't seem more prevalent today than ever before.  It's not that evil never existed before now, it was just never as exposed with all this social media.  We also have twice the amount of people running around this planet today than when our parents were children.  7 billion unique individuals all with their own agendas, egos, pride, sins, etc.

I understand why people might think there is no God.  Even in my own family, I have older relatives that have said "If there is a God, why all this hurt?  Why all this suffering?  Why all this evil and turmoil, and war?"  These are people who were raised in church as well, and now question God and His seemingly hands-off attitude towards mankind.

I admit, I'd be lying if I didn't wonder why God doesn't show His hand a lot more like he seemingly did in the Old Testament.  But that's precisely my point.  He corrected mankind more than a few times in the OT (The great flood, Sodom & Gomorrah, the plagues of Egypt, to name a few) and yet we still reject Him, blame Him, turn our back on Him.  We want Him out of our schools, our marriages, our politics, our communities, and then have the audacity to bitch and complain when the world looks as if it is going to 'hell in a hand basket'.

Well, which is it?  Do you want Him, or not?  Remember, He didn't turn His back on us.  We walked out on Him.

He gave His only son, Jesus Christ....who taught love and kindness...to the wolves of the world, as a savior, and the world instead mocked, ridiculed, whipped, beat, and crucified Him.  They did all this to a homeless man, with no worldly possessions, no wife, no child.....who taught peace, humbleness, love, forgiveness, kindness, compassion.  And somehow the world was offended by this.  The world in it's infinite wisdom, self-appointed superior morality and intellect, decided they new better than Christ.  Yeah, because the world was doing such a bang up job before hand based on their prior decisions.

So all this previous writing (above) is leading up to my main thrust today.  If there is an all loving God, then why is this world is such dire straights?

Because this world, the one that we temporarily inhabit is under the domain of Satan.  And even the best Christians (that includes Catholics, Methodists, Baptists, Lutherans, Born Again, etc.) all seem to forget this.

So how is Satan the 'god' of this world (2 Corinthians 4:4)?

Well, I think I found a decent answer.  I'm taking this from another site, so it's not my words verbatim, but echoes what I think, but anyways.....

Answer: The phrase “god of this world” (or “god of this age”) indicates that Satan is the major influence on the ideals, opinions, goals, hopes and views of the majority of people. His influence also encompasses the world’s philosophies, education, and commerce. The thoughts, ideas, speculations and false religions of the world are under his control and have sprung from his lies and deceptions.

Satan is also called the "prince of the power of the air" in Ephesians 2:2. He is the "ruler of this world" in John 12:31. These titles and many more signify Satan’s capabilities. To say, for example, that Satan is the "prince of the power of the air" is to signify that in some way he rules over the world and the people in it.

This is not to say that he rules the world completely; God is still sovereign. But it does mean that God, in His infinite wisdom, has allowed Satan to operate in this world within the boundaries God has set for him. When the Bible says Satan has power over the world, we must remember that God has given him domain over unbelievers only. Believers are no longer under the rule of Satan (Colossians 1:13). Unbelievers, on the other hand, are caught "in the snare of the devil" (2 Timothy 2:26), lie in the "power of the evil one" (1 John 5:19), and are in bondage to Satan (Ephesians 2:2).

So, when the Bible says that Satan is the "god of this world," it is not saying that he has ultimate authority. It is conveying the idea that Satan rules over the unbelieving world in a specific way. In 2 Corinthians 4:4, the unbeliever follows Satan's agenda: "The god of this world has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ." Satan's scheme includes promoting false philosophies in the world—philosophies that blind the unbeliever to the truth of the Gospel. Satan’s philosophies are the fortresses in which people are imprisoned, and they must be set free by Christ.

An example of one such false philosophy is the belief that man can earn God's favor by a certain act or acts. In almost every false religion, meriting God’s favor or earning eternal life is a predominant theme. Earning salvation by works, however, is contrary to biblical revelation. Man cannot work to earn God's favor; eternal life is a free gift (see Ephesians 2:8-9). And that free gift is available through Jesus Christ and Him alone (John 3:16; 14:6). You may ask why mankind does not simply receive the free gift of salvation (John 1:12). The answer is that Satan—the god of this world—has tempted mankind to follow his pride instead. Satan sets the agenda, the unbelieving world follows, and mankind continues to be deceived. It is no wonder that Scripture calls Satan a liar (John 8:44).

Trying to understand Thanksgiving

I don't want or intend this to a be a downer entry, but it is November and of course Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

But I'm having a difficult time being 'Thankful' for a lot of things.

In fact, a quick rundown in my head of a typical pro/con list tends to make me feel...'meh' at best.

Oh sure, I could say I'm thankful for the typical things:

• Employment
• My dog
• My overall health
• My friendships
• My girlfriend (more on that later)
• Etc., Etc..

But there have been a few things I'm not necessarily thankful for.

My Uncle just passed away at the age 75 two days ago.  He was my dad's older brother.  He wasn't in the best of shape, (truth be told....he didn't take care of himself very much the last few years) and was on borrowed time of his own making the last few years.  I imagine he is in a better place right now, but leaves behind his wife, three children (my cousins), and three grandchildren.

This is the 3rd family death I've had this year.

My grandmother (mom's mom) died last October, and my grandfather (mom's dad) passed back in February.  My family is getting smaller, and those that are left aren't getting any younger.

While I'm thankful for my job, it generally leaves me unchallenged, unsatisfied, and unmotivated.  But alas, I have alimony and a house payment, and a myriad of bills that requires me to stay.  Not to mention they pay me well, and overall it's not that stressful.

My health is for the most part okay, however, at my age I have started to develop an enlarged prostate and although my PSA look great (i.e. no prostate cancer), I tend to go to the restroom a lot more frequently which now requires me to take Flomax (which has other side effects).  Every evening when I take that pill, it is a reminder that our bodies are meant to last, and slowly but surely, my body is breaking down and someday it will just quit like everyone else's no matter what I do.

While I have great friends, parents who love me, a family in my church, and a new girlfriend who appears to care for me quite deeply, I still just feel stagnant and in a rut.

While I can happily say I've been off anti-depressants now for about a year, it doesn't mean everything is still rosy and peachy.  I still have an occasional dream about my ex-wife,.  Unexpected bills creep up for the house or car.  My dog is starting to slow down.  It doesn't seem like I have a lot of time to do the hobbies I once enjoyed.

That last point really bothers me.

I don't 'seem' to have the time to partake in the hobbies I once enjoyed.  Whose to blame for that?  Me?  Probably.  It's easy to say "Well, it's up to you to *make* the time."  Yeah, but I get easily distracted, and there always seems to be one last chore to do.  And even if I do that, them I remember something else...or just get plain 'too damn tired'.

My girlfriend will be going out of state this year to visit her parents for Thanksgiving.  My aunt and uncle that live about 2.5 hours away won't be coming down. So it'll be another year of me, my mom, and my dad....sitting around a small table staring at a Turkey.  The exact opposite of all those Hallmark TV movies in which the whole family made up of multiple generations squeeze around fold up tables full of laughter and stories and drink and playing football in the front yard.

What am I passionate about?

This question was posed to me about a month ago during an online application I was filling out, and as always, I strive to provide the most honest and true response that I can. 

However, after thinking about it for a few minutes, I had to stop the application and walk away.  I was hoping that if I gave it a few hours, or went about and did something else for a bit, that perhaps later on something prevalant would come to me.

Well, as I stated in my first sentence here, it's been about a month....and I can't think of one darn thing I am actually passionate about.

I mean, I have a lot of likes and interests...but passions?

From Merriam-Webster:

pas·sion

: a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something or about doing something
: a strong feeling (such as anger) that causes you to act in a dangerous way

: a strong sexual or romantic feeling for someone

 

In the context of the question posed to me, it wasn't about sexuality, but probably more along the lines of a hobby or interest that I could engage in by myself or with someone else that I would find pleasurable and/or excited.

 

But many of the things I really enjoy are outside the socially accepted norm for someone my age.  I enjoy comic books, video games, science fiction, detective and war novels, and model building...but I'm not sure that is understanding to a lot of people, especially for a guy in his mid-forties.

 

I like barbeques, brewing my own beer, making my own sausage, and gourmet cooking (especially my own).  I love tex-mex, spicy food, good sushi, and anything chipotle.  I enjoy classic crooners, old skool rap, jazz, and modern electronica/dance.  I love my dog, working out at the gym, road trips with my friends, and various artistic endeavors.  I like collecting things, good strategy games, politics, and cliffhangers.

 

I love the Lord, my parents, my good friends, romance, 'true love', and more.

 

I could go on and on.

 

But am I passionate to any of these?

 

I honestly don't know.  I have various degrees of excitement that seem to ebb and flow with each of these on a day to day basis, but I can't really pick one that tops all others.

 

Again, in the context of the original question, it simply asked "What are you passionate about?", assuming someone wants to get to know you better.

 

And yet, here I sit, stymied.  Do I have enough passion to muster for just 'one' things, or do I suffer from my own brand of ADHD, in which I have mild passion for numerous things.  It's like going to a restaraunt and have a menu 50 pages long with 100 entries on each page...while you are hungry...and everything is made from a 5 star chef...and it could possibly be your very last meal?  I simply can't choose.

 

Is that an acceptable answer?  Can I answer by not committing to one thing, but to a dozen or more?

Growing (Part II)

Admittedly, yesterday's post kinda took on a tangential life of it's own so when I thought it was appropriate, I ended yesterday's musings to allow myself to regroup.

So about my growth, or what I perceive as my growth and continuing growth:

Small things used to bother me.  Trivial things used to bother me.  However, at the time I didn't realize or notice how small or trivial those things actually were until something larger happened and raised the bar.

Every one's bar or threshold is different as well.  A 'big' deal to one person may be a speck on someone else's radar.  When my ex-wife and I would have a disagreement, and she'd give me the silent treatment and I'd go sulk or pout in the corner over a bounced check with a $20 dollar penalty, it didn't take long before I turned on the TV to see someone in the Midwest just lost their entire home due to a tornado, or a wild fire in California just devastated a community, or someone got shot in high school.

On yet even a bigger stage, people in Rwanda are victims of genocide, Hamas is shooting RPGs at Israel, a whole class of students drown in a capsized ferry somewhere in Asia.

I look at these world problems and all of a sudden, my issues seem pale in comparison.  I like to think of this as my airplane view.  When I am standing on the ground, things placed in front of me take up my vision and seem big....but as I ascend to higher heights, I begin to see more.  The objects that obstructed my view are now smaller.  As my mental capacity and it's thoughts reach a cruising altitude of 30K feet, then everything looks small from that perspective:.....the petty arguments, the name calling, the bounced checks, and everything in between....yes, they all suck....but how I choose to react to them now when compared to much larger issues makes me aware of how much useless and wasted energy I spent trying to get even, prove my point, assert my dominance, etc. 

I wasn't forgiving...I was bottling all this stuff up inside...letting it gnaw at me from the inside....gnaw on my heart, gnaw on my thoughts, gnaw on my emotions. 

And for what?  She still left.

Yes, I lost a lot.  But she lost more.  And removing my marriage and my anger and my bitterness from my own equation, there are people out there that lost, and continue to lose, a helluva lot more than I ever will.

I still get angry from time to time.  But I know I am growing because I don't get as angry as often.  I already know in my heart that I tried the best I could.....that I put up the best fight I could to save my marriage...but this person, despite all the advice so many people gave her, her heart was already hardened and stubborn and prideful and incapable of both taking responsibility of her actions or admitting she was wrong.

I no longer feel the need to scream at her.  I no longer feel the need to 'get even'.  I don't feel the need to correct the neighbors or set the record straight.  I *try* not to waste my idle thoughts and energy on her anymore.

Instead, I pray for her.

I forgive her.....

Forgiving her is different from accepting the behavior.  Forgiving her is different from wanting to associate with her..or liking her.

Jesus even told us that we should love our enemies.  Notice he still used the word *enemy*.

She is far from my *enemy*...she's just a very lost person with something to prove to somebody and I just decided I wasn't going to be a doormat any longer.

Once I came to terms with how life altering this was for me, and took me as long as it did to recover (2 years and still counting), I noticed something else began to change in me as well....

....The letting go and forgiveness of other things in my life now.  Things don't stick with me as much as they used to.  Grudge's no longer have *much* of a meaning to me these days.  When certain thoughts come into my head, I am able to channel or in some cases tune that 'noise' out now....and I feel better.  I sleep better.  I take into account things that are in fact more important to me (true friends, family, God).  I don't wish to spend anymore wasted energy on negative things...so simply stated....I don't.

Am I cured?  Am I skipping down the street singing songs and smelling all the flowers?  No.  It is a journey and there will be occasional obstacles and setbacks, but now I am starting to realize that 'forgiveness' is a pretty handy all-in-tool that can help build bridges to get over those humps.

Growing (Part I)

Hopefully this post doesn't come across as conceited or pompous...it isn't intended to be...but I can understand how some readers may possibly think it, but bare with me.

I've had a recurring theme taking up residence within my head the last few weeks, and for years while the mere definition of this word seemed murky, the particulates of minutiae are finally starting to dissipate and/or settle, and my outlook on many things seem a bit more clearer for me today.

That word: Forgiveness.

As children, and throughout most of our lives I think most of us can agree that we were told that the morally 'correct' thing to do when wronged is to "forgive and forget", to "turn the other cheek".  We say that we do and extend our hands to those that may have wronged us to 'shake on it', but I think most of us can agree it was obligatory and mechanical, especially if our parents were watching.  We really didn't me it, did we?  It was more about getting out of that exact moment, to make those around us happy, and put on the facade that all was okay, but in reality we were still angry.

And if I'm to be honest here, that's exactly how it went for me.  I say I 'forgave', cracked a forced smile, but deep down inside I was filled with spite and the raw emotion of anger and despisement.  I knew when to keep my mouth shut, but deep down inside I was harboring some dark and ill fated thoughts...but I have come to realize that the only person I was actually harming at this point was myself.

Various verses on forgiveness:

• If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins (Matt 6:14-15)
• You must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you.  Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. (Col. 3:13)

The inability to forgive is not just a stubbornness of our own choosing that poisons our soul (Anyone recall Pharaoh of Moses' fame?), it is breaking of God's perfect will for us, and a stumbling block for those of us which wish to emulate the walk of Christ.  If Christ is all about love and relationships, how can we commit 100% of ourselves to that perfect love and agape relationship if we cannot forgive?

Now it isn't easy.  That is fact.

I'm not sitting here and saying that one can instantly snap their fingers and have all those negative memories, emotions, feelings, hurts, anger, and the like be erased from either recent or long standing memory.....but we can choose to ask God to strengthen and support us when our worldly thought begin to drift that way.

So lets talk about some physical and psychological side effects of not being able to forgive:

• Loss of focus on the here and now if we are mired and consumed of righting wrongs.
• Tension, high blood pressure, insomnia, fatigue, stress and even physical pain as our muscles tighten up inside and chemicals are released from the brain that may affect our thought process.
• Lack of joy, happiness, mood swings, possibly even depression.
• Carrying around burdensome thoughts for years (i.e. baggage) that may get in the way of forming healthy and positive relations with others.
• Possible feelings of guilt.

The above list are just a few things I thought of in just a few minutes, and all are rooted in my own personal observations of myself and my experiences over the years.  You can probably add some of your own bullet points as well, and surely they also have negative connotations.

Now look at my list (and your own), again.  Do any of these sound like something God wants us to experience on an ongoing basis?  Are any of these side effects a positive result of His teachings and how He wants us to lead our lives?

If we are lucky, we may have a life span of 75-85 years.  Why would you want to spend any of that time, or even shortening your already precious life by not being able to forgive?

It's not easy, and I assure you thoughts will pop into your head at the most random times and attempt to rob you of that moment.  It has happened to me countless times.  It has happened on my commute to and from work, it has happened in the shower, it has happened while I was on a date, it has even happened while I was sitting in church!  And I can tell you, these thoughts can become crippling if we allow them to.

So the key in understanding forgiveness, at least for me, is how am I going to 'react to' or 'handle' these thoughts, not 'if', but 'when' they occur.

I have spent the last two years of my life in various degrees of despair, hurt, anger, and more when I came face to face to the disingenuous person in my life.  I listened to various untruths told about me, exaggerations, and bait-and-switches.  I lost friendships.  I lost family. I lost sleep.  I lost weight.  I watched as both an unwilling observer and participant as the world I knew around me collapsed by another persons undoing and their selfish acts.

And now I am expected to forgive that person?  Because it's the right thing to do?  Are you kidding me?

No, He wasn't.

Because even though I was blinded by justifiable anger and the deep feelings of wanting to acquire retribution, He knows me (and us) better than we know ourselves.  He knows that without forgiveness, I have the potential of spending the rest of my mortal life suffering from the various side effects I outlined above....and who wants to be around that person?

He forgave me for my transgressions past, present, and future...and since I wish to spend eternity with Him...in perfect peace, where there are no more tears, no more sorrow, no more death...then I need to start practicing my walk today, in the flesh.  There are no second chances after I breathe my last breath here.  Do I want to spend the next 20, 30, 40+ years in random fits of self-pity and anger like my grandfather did after his divorce?  To never marry again?  To never trust again?

No...God did not intend nor design us to live like that.  We do so because this is a fallen world (by choice no less...thanks Eve..and Adam), and we must chose everyday how we are going to lead our lives, nit just for ourselves, but hopefully as examples to others for His glory.

To be continued....

6 months

You often hear the phrase "Time flies, especially when you get older.", and it struck me particularly true the last few days.

I'm about to write my 6th alimony check to my ex, and I can't believe it's already been 6 months.  That actually stuns me and I have caught myself a few times now over the past few days stopping myself in thought and then mentally counting backwards to February, 2013.

Wow.  Where did these past 6 months go?

Seriously.

While in the midst of our seperation, it seemed to take forever.  Each day seemed like two, each week seemed closer to a month, and I can recall begging the universe that this ordeal just needs to end already.

It had been quite a turbulent year, 2013,  And the holidays and early part of 2014 wasn't the exact calm I was looking for either, although 'dramatic' events have receded to calmer shores.  Oh, there is still crap....tomorrow is my grandfather's estate sale and we still have quite a bit to do to get his house redy for sale in the coming weeks.  But for all intents and purposes, things don't seem to open up for me until July.

But even so, I still can't believe it's been six months.

The heat is on.

Boy it's hot today.  We are going through an unseansonable heat wave right now.  It's crazy hot for this time of year.  It's literally 95 degrees outside and the air is still.  It's even warmer at my house, since it's about 30 miles inland from here.  Closer to 100.  I feel for my dog, who is lying at home with a fresh bowl of water and hopefully inside.

Surprisingly, my allergies have not gone Richter on me.  Usually when spring has sprung, there's a lot of pollen in the air, and I spend this time of year heavily medicated on Benedryl or Claritan.  Now, it's just really dry, and I need to remind myself to use more lotion.

Last night, it was super windy, and although it was still hot, at least strong winds acted somewhat like a breeze so the air did not just sit.  I came home and my room mate and I, (yes I have a room mate now) had a few cold beers and watched UFC and Survivor.  He went to be bed at 9pm, and I followed suit at around 9:45. 

I promptly fell asleep, but awoke at 3:45am with both my overhead ceiling fan and oscilating floor fan both on, and really couldn't fall back asleep.  So, that's two night in a row that I've only averaged about 5 hours a sleep.

I'm feeling tad light headed now.  Partly due to the heat, partly due to lack of sleep.

I have 2.5 hours of todays shift, and all day tomorrow to make it through as well.  My GF wants to come over and spend time watching TV with me, (she been working additional hours this week, closer to 55) so I know she's not up for going out.

I have to get up early on Saturday and then meet my parents and my grandfathers house by 8am for an estate sale.  That wraps up around noon, then I need to help my dad move furinture.  Another weekend shot...not that I had anything planned anyway, but I do like to have my options open.  Then next weekend is both Mother's Day and my father's birthday....so that weekend is shot too.  And when I say 'shot', it's not out of disrespect to them, because I love them, but because it just seems that those days that should be my free time...are in fact...not my free time.  I'm getting a little tired of that too.

My GF also hit me up to possibly install yet another cieleing fan in her house.  I've already done two: one in her living room, and one in her daughters room.  Now she wants her room done, and then most likely her other kids room as well.

Then there's my chores: laundry, vacuumimg, mopping, etc.

I have no energy and its too darn hot.

I also have some furniture to restore as well, and my job at work is going to be crazy the next two months.....and all the while, the temperature is gonna get hotter.

I think about how busy I've been as of late, and mostly out of my control, in the service to others.

As much as I may think that sucks,.....and it does at times...., it also keeps me from dwelling on other things I don't want to think about. 

Or maybe because I'm too darn tired to want to think about those things anyway.

Suffice to say, I'm still off my meds, haven't spoke to my ex since I blocked her calls and texts a month ago, and getting through each day now okay....just without enough sleep.

Checking In

Admittedly it's been a while since I posted. 

Not exactly sure as to why, other than I've been lazy, and the fact that I stated in the last few posts that I wanted a more positive spin here.  Things have been dark and cloudy for the past year and things were feeling downright melancholy.  I didn't want to continue to post dour thoughts and negative news, but unfortunately there hasn't been a lot of upbeat news thus far now that we're into April of 2014.

For all intents and purposes, daily life has been a circular pattern of doing the same stuff over and over, or being at the service of my parents for some recent tragedies that have befallen my family.

I won't go into much detail, I just try to ignore it at this point, lest I get mired into sadness and reliving the things I can't change nor do I have control over.  However, to bring you up to speed here are the main events of the last 6 months:

• My mom's mom, obviously my grandmother, passed unexpectedly back in October.  I was actually on day one of my first vacation in years, and as I stepped off the plane in Canada, my cell phone rang and my father delivered the bad news.  I was sad.  I didn't get to say "Goodbye", and here I am thousands of miles from home and there is nothing I can do.
• Then in November, after a last ditch 11th hour power grab attempt (which failed) by my ex-wife, my divorce was finalized.  I was not happy (and still not), nor did I celebrate the occasion.  Overall, it's sad and continues to bother me....not so much missing her any longer, but I do miss my in laws terribly and the sense of family that seemingly was ripped from my hands and heart.  Needless to say my Holidays sucked.
• Speaking of Holidays, my aunt and uncle decided not to attend Christmas, so it was just me, my dog, and my parents.  It sucked.
• Fast forward to February 3rd, Superbowl Sunday....My grandfather died (my mom's father).  Although he was in his mid 90's and we knew it was coming, it still didn't make things easier for anybody, especially my mother. 
• My dog, my love, has a liver ailment and is now on medication.
• In March, the collection agencies step up their game on my ex-wife and send process servers to 'my' house.  Not amusing.  But they are after her, not me, and this is just further proof that she can't get her act together and she has a civil case in Superior Court levied against her.  Now if I was still married to her, guess who would be bailing her out?  I don not miss that.
• My work load increased dramatically, and while that isn't a bad thing in itself, it is when your boss is a micro manager and one day you can't take it anymore and you have a mutual blowout.  Things needed to be said, and they were, and I am not sorry.

So lets recap: I had 2 grandparents die within the span of 3 months.  My mom is an emotional basket case.  My divorce is finalized, yet my ex's inability to be truthful or responsible lands me in the middle of process servers and collection agency phone calls.  My dog and saving grace of sanity is showing his age.  Everything is piling up on me to where I cannot contain it anymore and have a blowup with my micro manager of a boss.

That about sums it up.

So the good news?

Well, there is some.

I started dating again.  I found someone, or she'd say she found me, who is everything my ex was not: responsible, loving, Christian, cares about her health (doesn't smoke, rarely drinks), who is affectionate, loves dogs, loves family, loves God.  She's a few years older than me, and treats me with respect...something I haven't been used to for quite some time.

I'm also off my meds, and have been now for almost 4 months and feel 'okay'.

I dropped some weight.  I'm maintaining 219-220, but like to get down to 210.  I was 236 at one point.

I don't cry as much.  Every time I hear about my ex's continuing issues, and the holes she digs for herself, I feel just a bit better I didn't stick around to continually pick up the pieces or bail her out.  That's her parents problem/issue today,....Good luck.

I'm trying to get out more...trying that is.  My sleep still isn't what I'd like it to be.  I still have the occasional dreams I don't want, but things are moving forward.  My job is 'okay', safe and secure for now.  I have a roommate who is considerate, quiet, friendly, and likes both my dog and my friends.

Hopefully, I this entry will be a turning point for me and I will be more regular and upbeat.

The check is in the mail.

I'd like to think by now that I has steeled myself into having no real thoughts about writing my first alimony check, but despite my efforts, I couldn't help it.

Today was the signing of my first check.

My brain is trying to rationalize it as a "business transaction gone wrong", but a contract is a contract, and despite the outcome, at least I know my word is in fact 'my word' and I will comply.

Although the temptation of writing some heartfelt note to accompany it, or maybe a snarky comment in the blank line section of the check presented itself....I just didn't allow myself get sucked down to that level.  It's better to take the high road and prove myself above the pettiness in the long run.

"They say unto him, Caesar's. Then saith he unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto God the things that are God's." (Matthew 22:21)

That scripture just kept coming to my mind the last few days.  This above words were the response Jesus spoke to the Pharisees when asked if Jews should pay taxes to Rome.

Christ is basically saying these are the rules of the land, whether you agree with them or not, you should abide by these man-made rules in the mortal life....however, your spiritual obligations are of a higher order and God will reward the trusting and the obedient faithfully, despite their earthly persecutions.

I also sat down with my HR department today and updated my personal files to reflect new beneficiaries and adjust my Health care coverage.  Perhaps she can sign up for Obamacare if they ever get that website working.

Joel Osteen's message yesterday ("Take Control of Your Happiness") was a repeat, but although I heard it on two previous occassions, it spoke to me yet again this third time.

For those that are wondering, it is is now official....I am legally single again.  There wasn't much fanfare, no parties, no going out and shouting from the rooftops on my behalf.  It was actually pretty quiet.  An email came to me late Thursday afternoon from my attorney stating it was over, and that I'd get a copy in the mail soon (which came on Saturday BTW).

So all that is left is my ex-wife coming to pick up the few belonging she has left.  She was supposed to come next Saturday, but I've already been told she now wants to move it to December 7.

Whatever.

In the meantime I have a new roommate.  He was actually my roommate 11 years ago, and just so happens that certain circumstances came into alignment in which he was looking for a new place to live and I could use the extra money and someone to share my place with.  So it worked out for both of us, and we get along just fine.

So back to Joel Osteen.

The gist of the message was about taking responsibility for our own happiness.  That we need to be vigilant in recognizing where the lines of friendship and manipulation are drawn.  That we are not tasked with providing happiness for others at the expense of our own joy, and those 'relationships' that use guilt as a means of manipulation while putting there own standing first at the expense of others is doomed to breakdown.

He made a great analogy that friendship (or relationships with spouses/family members/etc.) can draw an alegory from aircraft.

See the there are four principles that every pilot is aware of: 1) Lift, 2) Thrust, 3) Weight, & 4) Drag.  It may be overly simplistic, but I think at a cursory glance you can classify any person you are in a relationship with into one of these four categories:

• Lifters: These are your friends or relatiosnhips that pick you up when you are down.  They are the people that are with you through thick and thin.  When you stumble, they are there to comfort, not shy to stop and lend a helping hand...to dust you off..to listen...to be there.
• Thrusters: These are people who motivate you, who wish for your success no matter what and encourage you.  They are the driving force behind you, your supporters, your fans.  The ones that tell you to spread your wings and fly.
• Weighters:  Now these are those you come in contact with that weigh you down.  Always a cloud over their heads, negative, oppressive, life is all drama.
• Draggers: Those that hold you back, always in need, always borrowing, afraid for you to move forward ahead of them so they manipulate situations in their favor to always give you pause.

The key is to surround yourself with the lifters and thrusters and wean off and get rid of those that weigh and drag you down.  A plane cannot take off if it is to heavy, nor can it soar if always moving into a headwind.

I'd throw in one extra category that Joel didn't talk about, but one I though up on my own:

• Coach Class Passengers:  Those people that seem indifferent.  Don't seem to give a rip one way or another and are just trying to get from point A to point B and have no input at all.  Personally I have one friend that fits in this category.  Since day one, has never uttered one word on my situation.  No he didn't weigh me down, or hold me back at all.  But he also didn't bother to lift me up and thrust me forward either.  Just kinda apathetic to the whole thing..and to be honest, his complete silence on the thing also bothers me.

To be the happy, joyful people God wants us to be, is to surrond ourselves with those that will lift us up and thrust us forward.  And to cut the strings of the puppet masters who have us bound by doing their will instead of Gods will.

I take a lot of meaning into this when I really think about my journey the last 10 years.  As a matter of fact, I think about the last 20 years.  See, when I was in college, I tried (not always successfully) to create my own thrust and my own lift, and I had good friends along the way...many of which I am still friends with today.  It was only this past decade or so in which I allowed something to change in myself and I can't tell you the day or event...but clearly I found myself surrounded by the two later groups of people.  Always gossip, always negative, always in need of something.  The happiness they shared with me was only temporary...usually around drinks and happy hour.  The more I think about these people the more I realize how screwed up they are too, but just don't know it.  Or if they do...they do a fine damn job in hiding it from themselves and others.

It wasn't easy...to cut the strings.  After a while, it's all you know so you are complacent and comfortable.  As they say "Misery loves company", and I was surrounded by many a miserable person.

But after I cut the first few strings, it wasn't that bad in the long run.  I don't miss the bitch fests, the round table discussions of who was unfair to whom, and what so-and-so did to what's-their-name. 

Now I'm not saying it wasn't more lonely at first....it was.  When your social circles are full of Wighters and Draggers and you slough them off, there isn't many immediate people left.

But then slowly, through the haze and bluriness, old shapes seem to come back into focus.  You'll notice over time that the Thrusters and Lifters are still there....they were in the background...just waiting for you to clear the tower. 

And you know how I know these are vaulable people?  Because the first thing out of their collective mouths was wondering what happened and ask you to recount all the gory details....they zoom right past that...and pick up where YOU left them off all those years ago and say to you "Hey, lets hang out, let's do something fun and make new memories."

So what about those I deem 'Passengers'?  Well, I'm glad they are/were a part of my life and we've made some journeys together, but there will be no upgrades to First Class or complimentary snacks or drinks coming their way either.  I'm not going out of my way to make special landings for them, but I'm not going to open the door and push them out either.  Time will tell, but the ball in in their court.

T minus 2 days

Well, I just received an email from my attorney and it appears that within the next two days I will be officially a single man again.  He let me know that he hand delivered our signed papers to the court today for filing and they shoudl be ready for pickup sometime on Thursday.

It has been a very long, arduous, sometimes contentious, and overly emotional 21+ months for me.  Most divorces in my state are supposed to take 6 months.  Mine took over three times that long due to a myriad of various factors including, but not limited to: low court resources, a flip-flopping wife, miscommunication between legal teams, and of course my wifes continued denial of proven fact.

In many ways I should be happy.  I should be able to finally take a deep breath of relief, and shake off this horrendous weight on my shoulders and main and look forward to forging a new future and life.  I think about so many people I know who have gotten divorced, and I don't know how they have rebounded as quickly as they have.  I feel like I have been scarred and damaged for life.

In fact, once I read his email again today I actually felt a bit of anxiety creep back in.  This means I have to begin my alimony payments almost immediately; 4 years worth begin with the next few weeks.

I've also been informed that she wishes to pick up some of her last few objects in about a week and half from now.  I haven't had any contact with her since last May.  That's 6 months and I'm somewhat nervous.  I'm not sure why I feel that way.  There is no reason on earth why I should feel nervous or bad.  I didn't do anything wrong to begin with and I need to keep reminding myself almost daily...it was her decisions, not mine, that got us to this point. 

And 21 months later, other than the fact I will pay alimony, I suppose justice did prevail (depending on where you stand).  I get to keep everything I care about.  And she is still broke and owes much money to her lawyers.  Yeah, I may have to give her X amount in money, but my guess is most of it is spoken for or will be used to pay her debts off. 

So, how did that work of for you?

Okay, so that sounded kinda smug.  It shouldn't be.  I lost a lot too.  I'm just drained.  I seriously wish it didn't go down this way, but I won't miss many aspects and situations

Still, I'm not looking forward to that last face to face meeting where I she grabs the remainder of her memories from my house and I look back and have nothing to show for the last ten years except my gray hair.

Another passing

Aside from everything else going on in my life, the past few months have been have been plagued with various, random tragedies that made me suddenly stop and help remind me to reflect on the more important things in life instead of all the negativity and bitterness that seemingly surrounds me as of late.

This past Monday evening I received a brief and somber text from the gentleman who leads my Saturday morning men's group we lovingly dubbed 'The Joy Luck Club', because it is anything but.

The message just stated that one of our brethren passed away, suddenly and unexpectedly that evening from causes yet to be revealed.  It stunned me and didn't even sink in right away.  What?  How? Huh?  No, I don't believe - these were my first few thoughts.  The man in question (name to be kept private) was a friend of mine probably in his early to mid 50's.  He had struggled with alcohol, drugs, and other poor decisions throughout the majority of his life....in and out of rehab and prison on numerous occasions....when he was younger.

Within the last few years, he found God, and was doing his utmost to turn his life around.  I didn't know him through his earlier, bad and dark times.  When I joined the group, my separation from my wife was new, I hadn't officially filed yet.  For him, he just got out of a divorce he also did not want....which was painful and tough on him and he knew the trials and tribulations and emotions I would soon be facing because he just experienced the whole gamut himself.

I only knew him as the man who had a dry and quick wit.  Who knew his bible verses, who often prayed for me and my wife, who volunteered when and where he could, a good listener, who attended daily AA meetings.  A man desperately trying to put his past behind him and break the various chains of bondage that plagued him for so long and be reborn into a new life...one in which he could laugh, feel free, make new friends, start over.

And then it ended without warning.

A few weeks ago my grandmother died as well.  She was 88 years old, the mother of my own mother.  She too died suddenly, and I didn't get to say goodbye to her either.  I haven't even properly grieved that loss other than shed a few tears here and there, but I feel guilty I didn't call more often.

The leader of our men's group.....his son died in a horrible motorcycle accident about 5 months ago and he has been somber and changed ever since.  I don't blame him, and don't have the words to soothe him.  Hell, I'm a mess half the time myself.

My grandfather just turned 96.  He's slowly fading.  Every day he gets more and more depressed.  My family is trying to put him in an assisted living home....but he is stubborn, and has moments of extreme alertness, peppered with random moments of senility and 'accidents'.  He is not long for this world either and his faith in God and Christ as his saviour are shaky at best.

I've been off my medication for a few months now.  And despite all this crap, I am sleeping a bit better and other side effects are minimal.

But I am thinking I am reaching that point in my life where I attend more funerals than birthdays.  I hear more about divorce than I hear about marriage announcements.  Everything seems to be a blur to me anymore....I'm just trying to find the time to do laundry and unload the dishwasher anymore.

I don't even know how I want to end this post.  I guess I just really miss the innocence and ignorance of my youth.

An unexpected email

I was very surprised last night when I checked my email and saw a name I don't see very often.

There was an email from my Brother-in-law.

The last time we spoke was back in April this year (6.5 months) when my he was to moderate and observe my wife taking some of her belongings from my house.

I don't know exactly how to describe my relationship with him.  I can tell you he is a loving husband and father who places his family as a priority.  He is fairly intelligent.  He seems, for the most part, to be a very fair and high in integrity.  That being said, he also likes to 'right', and while I've never seen him raise his voice to anyone, he can, at times, come across very stern and stronger than he needs to be,  He likes to make his point and to be heard, but doesn't draw on an on.

Our 'friendship' has always been cordial and he's polite towards me, but we just don't always 'click'.  I've been told I have a great sense of humor when I'm a happy person...where he is pretty dry.  Not that he's a dour person, or unhappy, just doesn't express it well towards other men.  Sometimes his advice, while with good-intentions behind it, sometimes feels like a back handed insult or a 'talking-down' to.

Anyway, he sent me an email last night and wanted to share with me a program he is in the middle of at his church and wanted to turn.  It's called "authenticated manhood".  I'm going to look it up for myself, but he mentioned, as politely as he could a conversation he had with me sometime back that I needed to "grow a pair" and perhaps I'm more of a mama's boy.  At the time it was kind of offensive to me because over the course of our history together, he never really spent anytime with either of my parents, or even me for that matter, to make that kind of determination.

However, I do recognize with me looking back today on past events, I did defer a lot of situations or looked the other way as only to avoid a confrontation with my wife.  I 'shrank' in my role as both a leader and a husband and more andmore allowed my wife to do as she wished just so I could avoid an argument.  In a nutshell, she wore the pants in my house and took my 'man card'.

Well, as humbling and perhaps unwanted as it is, I will allow for the fact that maybe he was right to a certain degree...it was just his 'delivery' of the past messages I didn't warm up to.  And now that her family did a 180 on me, the fact he is reaching out to me at all is a surprise.  I could have just ignored the message, deleted it, of replied with a snark....I instead took the opportunity to write back.

I wished him, his family, and especially the kids only the best.  I let him know that perhaps he was right and I am taking steps to get my spine back.  I'm sure my ex is presenting it in such a way that I am the devil right now, not budging, etc., etc., etc.  So I am killing him with kindness.  I offered an olive branch to him and his family  I have no ill-will towards them and told him I would like to one day repair our fragmented relationship.  So, I will take him up on his offer and look into this program, and hopefully learn something for myself. 

I just hope he can do the same and be objective and see through the B.S. that has been told the last 20 months and realize I did infact put my foot down with my wife and won't (and don't have to) put up with her shit anymore.

Ball is in his court now.

10 years has come and gone....and no one noticed....except me

Or did they?

Last Friday would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary, and no one said a word.  I think it was an unspoken agreement amongst friends and family not to bring the subject up with me.  And I'm kinda glad.  I didn't have much of a desire to speak about it to anyone to begin with, and even if someone did bring it up, I didn't really plan on indulging anyone with idle talk.

But I was aware of it.

I'm pretty happy how I handled the day overall.....I went to work, did my job, took myself out to a cheap lunch and tried to not let it get under my skin.  But in truth, I was very aware of the day and I allowed myself to secretly brood about it and was a tad depressed and had occasional impressions of anger.

My father had come over early in the morning to walk my dog, and I was thankful he never brought up the subject.  My mom called me sometime in the middle of the day and invited me over to breakfast on Sunday, and she didn't bring the subject up either.  I'm sure the date wasn't lost on them, both of them are very good about dates when it comes to birthdays, anniversarys, and the like...but they didn't broach the subject with me.

A friend took me out to dinner on Friday night as well, and the subject wasn't brought up then either.

Last year, my wife sent me an anniversary card.  This is when we were seperated and she did her stint in another state and I suppose realized the grass wasn't greener afterall and was making a half-assed attempt to reconcile with me.  I guess I'll never know if she really meant it, or she was trying to placate her family, or was re-evaluating her ill-conceived plans and realized maybe it wasn't so bad with me afterall.  I remember opening that card, the icy-sting of adrenaline pumping through my veins as I read it in my garage.  The message was simple, and it was signed "Love, your wife."  I remember half-chuckling with disgust and disbelief as I read it.  Yeah, you 'loved' me so much you up and left me, your daughter, your resposnibilities and everything else so you could go 'find' yourself and drink with your friends. 

And then that got old...really quick...and you wanted to come back like nothing happened.  You wanted to pick up, rewind the clock, and get a 'freebie do-over' and you expected me to fall back into line like all the other times before.  But what I did next....you didn't expect...and then your true colors came out. 

I said 'No', and threw the card out in the trash only moments after I read it.

My decision to stand firm had you then call me every name in the book.  You made up stories you know were not true and spread them about as gospel.  You lied.  You broke up friendships.  You dragged a simple court case out forever and you got greedy.  You wanted things that never interested you before.  You wanted to hurt me because I finally grew a set of balls.  You wanted to take my dog, my house, my car, my childhood collections, my friends...things that I paid for....things that I earned....things that I took care of...things that I cherish...things that have importance only to me.....all because you drank yourself out of a job, got into serious debt by your own hand, and burned bridges with those who wanted to help you to begin with.

You don't get a do-over this time.

You don't get to pretend it never happened, the time when you ripped me in half emotionally and left me months in a fetal position, crippled, tarnished, soul exposed.  You don't deserve me.  You don't deserve my financial security.  My undying love.  My husbandly support.  No.... you left.  You made a decision....and you were warned by everybody prior to you're leaving just what the ramifications *may* be....and yet you still chose *you* over everything else.  Well, now I chose *me*.

Now that I look back, as painful as the decision was (and I questioned myself 1000 times over), I was right in throwing that card out, with it's empty and manipulative words.

So yeah, the last 20 months have sucked for both of us.  And I may never 100% recover.  But you have to live with the knowledge that you put yourself in this position.  And yeah, you're gonna get some alimony from me...for the next 4 years.  But guess what....You didn't get my house.  You didn't get my car.  You didn't get my collections.  You didn't get my dog.  You didn't get the furniture or appliances.  You didn't get me to pay your legal fees. 

Instead....you get to live with your mom and dad, in their spare bedroom, with your elbows deep in your own credit card debt, your own legal bills.  Yup, all this was your doing.

Next up: A new beginning.

A day off

I generally don't take a lot of time of work.  Probably because most of the time I don't know what to do with myself during the day since everyone else is working as well.  That's one of the reasons I accrue my maximum allotment of vacation hours (120 a year), and I'm right up against that line right now.

I have been having some mental and emotional troubles this past week.  With all signs pointing to the end of my legal nuptials any day know, I can't help the fact that some forcefully buried emotions are seemingly bubbling their way back to the top.

It also doesn't help I quit my medication again last week (it's been 8 days now).  I should not have quit until this was all over...signed, sealed, and delivered.  I should also have weaned myself off my Citropram over the course of a few weeks, but like an idiot I quit cold turkey.

This past week, my emotions have flip-flopped so many times and my moods are in so much flux (at least I am smart enough to both be aware of it and why it is happening), I can only offer advice to those of you on similar medications....DO NOT QUIT COLD TURKEY.  Do what your Dr. tells you to do, don't think you can wing it on your own.  I'm telling you out of my own rocky experience...it is not fun.  I have found myself quite agitated at times, tense at others.  I have been short with people, and my body has been sore (from tension).  I have suffered a few headaches, and I feel the anger in a pool deep down inside.

My wife threw yet another 11th hour twist into things that set me off edge earlier this week.  Just when I thought we had a tentative agreement, I received document from her lawyer to review and sign, and 'lo and behold, they tried to sneak (yes, they TRIED to sneak in) another Credit Card in the tune of $2900 that is in her name as one of my responsibilities.  Really?  REALLY?  I'm so glad I caught it and read the 20 page document over.  No way am I signing this.  Yet again, she has gone back on her word.

Needless to say it took all of my energy not to go postal, and even then I wasn't 100% successful.  I whipped myself up into so much of a tizzy, I gave myself a migraine.  I could no longer concentrate at work.  The day went on incredibly slow and I was fighting back tears of...RAGE...for yet another blatant snafu.

I had to call in and take a personal day yesterday.

Although I couldn't sleep in, I needed a day away from work.  Away from annoying employees, and coworkers.  I needed to seriously decompress and relax.  I knew if I came into work, it would be just a matter of when, not 'if', I was going to blow up at someone, or say something I regretted. 

I watched TV, I played a video game, I went to the gym, I watched football, I cleaned my garage, and probably the most satisfying thing I did: I disposed of 'crap' that was taking up space in the garage that didn't belong to me.  Just junk....1/2 used candles, Anniversary cards with hollow words, broken decorations that have been kept in boxes for years with no purpose.  I tossed it.  I practially filled up a 80 gallon recyclable trash receptacle and made a lot more room.  For every item I tossed, it would be one less item I will ever come across again and be reminded of things I do not wish to remember.

The last thing I remember last night is walking upstairs to go to bed.  I don't recall getting in bed, nor do I recall any thoughts prior to falling asleep.

Almost there.

90% there

There's been a flurry of activity over the past 48 hours, and I've been waiting both nervously and optomistically for an email any minute from my lawyer today.

It appears, and I say this with extreme caution, that my wife and I may have reached a tentative agreement.

This will allow me to keep my dog (I believe she didn't really want him anyway, just using him as emotional leverage), my boyhood collections, and most of everything I wanted to begin with.  Yes, there will be a few sacrifices of objects I paid for, but they can all be replaced with brand new ones in time. 

It appears we have one last sticking point, and my lawyer is doing his best to negotiate this the best he can.  When I know more, or get word bag, I will update.

That being said, this last attempted push at settling before we go to court has me experiencing mutliple emotions all at once.

This morning I awoke at 4:40am, only because I beleive my mind cannot turn off in anticipation of what may happen, and this may finally be over.

I am angry and sad.  I am nervous, anxious, and uptight.  My body is rejecting food right now as evidence by my numerous trips to the restroom.

In speaking with some friends, they all believe I am getting a good deal and started to congratulate me, but I have been very outspoken to them is stating "A failure of a marriage is nothing to celebrate" even if thins are looking up for me.  I still lost a lot.  Perhaps not in objects, but I lost a lot if broken friendships, the loss of a family, and 10 years of my life I can not get back.  The chances of falling in love again will probably always be met with a certain hesitation and skepticism.  The vetting process of a new spouse will be much more arduous and thorough.  I will need to consider things like their financial standings, their spirituality, how they treat their parents and children and friends.  I will need to study their motivations....not just in looking for love, but how they view their work and their everyday outlook of the mundane.  Study their priorities...Are they looking for a husband, a life partner, or someone who will just be a financial security blanket.

This process has been long, and hard, and emotional.  I do feel as if I have aged a good 5 years over the last 2 years.  I can't tell you how much sleep I have lost, how many tears have trailed down my cheeks, how many times I wanted to turn to a bottle or run away, how many prayers I have said on my knees pleading to my Lord who at times seem to be slow to answer or silent altogether.

That in itself has been both a teaching and lesson in faith.  I endure because of my belief in a God who wants to restore us although at times I felt completely alone and even angry at Him.  I still pray to Him even if the results aren't what I was hoping for or expecting.

I am hoping that sometime over the next 48 hours I will know the outcome and I can finally begin to shut this chapter, take a much needed restorative breath and break, and begin a new chapter in my life in the weeks ahead.

Waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

I dunno why, but I awoke feeling a bit agitated this morning at 4:44am this morning.  Although I had a few 'twilight' relapses back to the land of slumber, I still feel agitated and 'off' right now.

There was a couple of days I forgot to take my medication, but I've been on track the last three days I believe.

The temperatures were hot last week, my house maintaining a downstairs temperature of 85 degrees even at 10pm at night with all the windows open.  That made my bedroom closer to 90 for a few nights.  I either slept on the couch, or broke down and turned on the air conditioner and listen to it strain for hours on end, trying to keep the temp to 78.

I did bounce a check yesterday which made me mad.  I keep forgetting about these automatic with drawls I have set up electronically, and yesterday two of the e-payments snuck up on me and bit me in the ass costing me $50 in banking penalties.  But that shouldn't make me feel the way I do right now.

My 95 year old grandfather was released from the rehabilitation center he was staying at the last two months after he broke his shoulder and is back home.  I went up there last Saturday with my mother (her dad) and spent quite a bit of the afternoon getting him settled back in and discussing his various financial issues he needs to take care of now that his life is winding down.

There has been no news on the divorce front.  That's a mixed blessing.  I have not incurred any additional costs this last month, nor have I had to listen to anymore false claims and made up stories from her.  However, the dreams have started again.  After a period of mental peace, I had two dreams this past week....both revolving around different aspects of my divorce...primarily about 'fairweather' friends, or the loss of certain relationships with various people over all this.  There are some days it irks me more than others.  Probably because I have too much time one my hands at night and I allow for things to simmer and percolate in my head.

Whatever the reason, I just know I'm a bit agitated today.

Heartbroken

A bit of a tough day today for me today.

Not sure it has sank in yet.  Nor should I feel surprised, but I guess I actually am, and somewhat hurt.

My stepdaughter has officially 'unfriended' me on Facebook.

I think back over the last 10 years.  How many times did I both drop her off and pick her up from school?  How many birthday, Christmas, and other occasion gifts did I buy her over the years?  How many times I took her out when she was feeling alone?  How many father/daughter talks did I have with her giving her advice when she asked for it?  How many tears did I wipe away? 

When I married her mother, I opened up my house to her.  I gave her a bed, furniture, electronics, meals, friendship, love....everything a step-father should.

And now I have been excommunicated and cut out from her life.  Surely at the request and pressure from her mother.

Sigh.

Expect Delays

Sigh....well the inevitable infact did happen.

She was granted a continuance until October 2nd.

Reasons cited on ex-parte submission by her attorney: 1) Witness lists not exchanged 2) Trial briefs not prepared 3) Exhibit lists not exchanged 4) Income and expense declarations not exchanged.

My lawyers translation: They aren't prepared and are stalling.

We were ready.  I have all my documents submitted, in order, i's dotted, t's crossed. 

Apparently they don't.......and thus the judge granted them 2 months.

My lawyers second translation: They hope to negotiate further thinking I would cave.

I will not.