Trying to understand Thanksgiving

I don't want or intend this to a be a downer entry, but it is November and of course Thanksgiving is right around the corner.

But I'm having a difficult time being 'Thankful' for a lot of things.

In fact, a quick rundown in my head of a typical pro/con list tends to make me feel...'meh' at best.

Oh sure, I could say I'm thankful for the typical things:

• Employment
• My dog
• My overall health
• My friendships
• My girlfriend (more on that later)
• Etc., Etc..

But there have been a few things I'm not necessarily thankful for.

My Uncle just passed away at the age 75 two days ago.  He was my dad's older brother.  He wasn't in the best of shape, (truth be told....he didn't take care of himself very much the last few years) and was on borrowed time of his own making the last few years.  I imagine he is in a better place right now, but leaves behind his wife, three children (my cousins), and three grandchildren.

This is the 3rd family death I've had this year.

My grandmother (mom's mom) died last October, and my grandfather (mom's dad) passed back in February.  My family is getting smaller, and those that are left aren't getting any younger.

While I'm thankful for my job, it generally leaves me unchallenged, unsatisfied, and unmotivated.  But alas, I have alimony and a house payment, and a myriad of bills that requires me to stay.  Not to mention they pay me well, and overall it's not that stressful.

My health is for the most part okay, however, at my age I have started to develop an enlarged prostate and although my PSA look great (i.e. no prostate cancer), I tend to go to the restroom a lot more frequently which now requires me to take Flomax (which has other side effects).  Every evening when I take that pill, it is a reminder that our bodies are meant to last, and slowly but surely, my body is breaking down and someday it will just quit like everyone else's no matter what I do.

While I have great friends, parents who love me, a family in my church, and a new girlfriend who appears to care for me quite deeply, I still just feel stagnant and in a rut.

While I can happily say I've been off anti-depressants now for about a year, it doesn't mean everything is still rosy and peachy.  I still have an occasional dream about my ex-wife,.  Unexpected bills creep up for the house or car.  My dog is starting to slow down.  It doesn't seem like I have a lot of time to do the hobbies I once enjoyed.

That last point really bothers me.

I don't 'seem' to have the time to partake in the hobbies I once enjoyed.  Whose to blame for that?  Me?  Probably.  It's easy to say "Well, it's up to you to *make* the time."  Yeah, but I get easily distracted, and there always seems to be one last chore to do.  And even if I do that, them I remember something else...or just get plain 'too damn tired'.

My girlfriend will be going out of state this year to visit her parents for Thanksgiving.  My aunt and uncle that live about 2.5 hours away won't be coming down. So it'll be another year of me, my mom, and my dad....sitting around a small table staring at a Turkey.  The exact opposite of all those Hallmark TV movies in which the whole family made up of multiple generations squeeze around fold up tables full of laughter and stories and drink and playing football in the front yard.