Or did they?
Last Friday would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary, and no one said a word. I think it was an unspoken agreement amongst friends and family not to bring the subject up with me. And I'm kinda glad. I didn't have much of a desire to speak about it to anyone to begin with, and even if someone did bring it up, I didn't really plan on indulging anyone with idle talk.
But I was aware of it.
I'm pretty happy how I handled the day overall.....I went to work, did my job, took myself out to a cheap lunch and tried to not let it get under my skin. But in truth, I was very aware of the day and I allowed myself to secretly brood about it and was a tad depressed and had occasional impressions of anger.
My father had come over early in the morning to walk my dog, and I was thankful he never brought up the subject. My mom called me sometime in the middle of the day and invited me over to breakfast on Sunday, and she didn't bring the subject up either. I'm sure the date wasn't lost on them, both of them are very good about dates when it comes to birthdays, anniversarys, and the like...but they didn't broach the subject with me.
A friend took me out to dinner on Friday night as well, and the subject wasn't brought up then either.
Last year, my wife sent me an anniversary card. This is when we were seperated and she did her stint in another state and I suppose realized the grass wasn't greener afterall and was making a half-assed attempt to reconcile with me. I guess I'll never know if she really meant it, or she was trying to placate her family, or was re-evaluating her ill-conceived plans and realized maybe it wasn't so bad with me afterall. I remember opening that card, the icy-sting of adrenaline pumping through my veins as I read it in my garage. The message was simple, and it was signed "Love, your wife." I remember half-chuckling with disgust and disbelief as I read it. Yeah, you 'loved' me so much you up and left me, your daughter, your resposnibilities and everything else so you could go 'find' yourself and drink with your friends.
And then that got old...really quick...and you wanted to come back like nothing happened. You wanted to pick up, rewind the clock, and get a 'freebie do-over' and you expected me to fall back into line like all the other times before. But what I did next....you didn't expect...and then your true colors came out.
I said 'No', and threw the card out in the trash only moments after I read it.
My decision to stand firm had you then call me every name in the book. You made up stories you know were not true and spread them about as gospel. You lied. You broke up friendships. You dragged a simple court case out forever and you got greedy. You wanted things that never interested you before. You wanted to hurt me because I finally grew a set of balls. You wanted to take my dog, my house, my car, my childhood collections, my friends...things that I paid for....things that I earned....things that I took care of...things that I cherish...things that have importance only to me.....all because you drank yourself out of a job, got into serious debt by your own hand, and burned bridges with those who wanted to help you to begin with.
You don't get a do-over this time.
You don't get to pretend it never happened, the time when you ripped me in half emotionally and left me months in a fetal position, crippled, tarnished, soul exposed. You don't deserve me. You don't deserve my financial security. My undying love. My husbandly support. No.... you left. You made a decision....and you were warned by everybody prior to you're leaving just what the ramifications *may* be....and yet you still chose *you* over everything else. Well, now I chose *me*.
Now that I look back, as painful as the decision was (and I questioned myself 1000 times over), I was right in throwing that card out, with it's empty and manipulative words.
So yeah, the last 20 months have sucked for both of us. And I may never 100% recover. But you have to live with the knowledge that you put yourself in this position. And yeah, you're gonna get some alimony from me...for the next 4 years. But guess what....You didn't get my house. You didn't get my car. You didn't get my collections. You didn't get my dog. You didn't get the furniture or appliances. You didn't get me to pay your legal fees.
Instead....you get to live with your mom and dad, in their spare bedroom, with your elbows deep in your own credit card debt, your own legal bills. Yup, all this was your doing.
Next up: A new beginning.
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