Admittedly, yesterday's post kinda took on a tangential life of it's own so when I thought it was appropriate, I ended yesterday's musings to allow myself to regroup.
So about my growth, or what I perceive as my growth and continuing growth:
Small things used to bother me. Trivial things used to bother me. However, at the time I didn't realize or notice how small or trivial those things actually were until something larger happened and raised the bar.
Every one's bar or threshold is different as well. A 'big' deal to one person may be a speck on someone else's radar. When my ex-wife and I would have a disagreement, and she'd give me the silent treatment and I'd go sulk or pout in the corner over a bounced check with a $20 dollar penalty, it didn't take long before I turned on the TV to see someone in the Midwest just lost their entire home due to a tornado, or a wild fire in California just devastated a community, or someone got shot in high school.
On yet even a bigger stage, people in Rwanda are victims of genocide, Hamas is shooting RPGs at Israel, a whole class of students drown in a capsized ferry somewhere in Asia.
I look at these world problems and all of a sudden, my issues seem pale in comparison. I like to think of this as my airplane view. When I am standing on the ground, things placed in front of me take up my vision and seem big....but as I ascend to higher heights, I begin to see more. The objects that obstructed my view are now smaller. As my mental capacity and it's thoughts reach a cruising altitude of 30K feet, then everything looks small from that perspective:.....the petty arguments, the name calling, the bounced checks, and everything in between....yes, they all suck....but how I choose to react to them now when compared to much larger issues makes me aware of how much useless and wasted energy I spent trying to get even, prove my point, assert my dominance, etc.
I wasn't forgiving...I was bottling all this stuff up inside...letting it gnaw at me from the inside....gnaw on my heart, gnaw on my thoughts, gnaw on my emotions.
And for what? She still left.
Yes, I lost a lot. But she lost more. And removing my marriage and my anger and my bitterness from my own equation, there are people out there that lost, and continue to lose, a helluva lot more than I ever will.
I still get angry from time to time. But I know I am growing because I don't get as angry as often. I already know in my heart that I tried the best I could.....that I put up the best fight I could to save my marriage...but this person, despite all the advice so many people gave her, her heart was already hardened and stubborn and prideful and incapable of both taking responsibility of her actions or admitting she was wrong.
I no longer feel the need to scream at her. I no longer feel the need to 'get even'. I don't feel the need to correct the neighbors or set the record straight. I *try* not to waste my idle thoughts and energy on her anymore.
Instead, I pray for her.
I forgive her.....
Forgiving her is different from accepting the behavior. Forgiving her is different from wanting to associate with her..or liking her.
Jesus even told us that we should love our enemies. Notice he still used the word *enemy*.
She is far from my *enemy*...she's just a very lost person with something to prove to somebody and I just decided I wasn't going to be a doormat any longer.
Once I came to terms with how life altering this was for me, and took me as long as it did to recover (2 years and still counting), I noticed something else began to change in me as well....
....The letting go and forgiveness of other things in my life now. Things don't stick with me as much as they used to. Grudge's no longer have *much* of a meaning to me these days. When certain thoughts come into my head, I am able to channel or in some cases tune that 'noise' out now....and I feel better. I sleep better. I take into account things that are in fact more important to me (true friends, family, God). I don't wish to spend anymore wasted energy on negative things...so simply stated....I don't.
Am I cured? Am I skipping down the street singing songs and smelling all the flowers? No. It is a journey and there will be occasional obstacles and setbacks, but now I am starting to realize that 'forgiveness' is a pretty handy all-in-tool that can help build bridges to get over those humps.
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