Aside from everything else going on in my life, the past few months have been have been plagued with various, random tragedies that made me suddenly stop and help remind me to reflect on the more important things in life instead of all the negativity and bitterness that seemingly surrounds me as of late.
This past Monday evening I received a brief and somber text from the gentleman who leads my Saturday morning men's group we lovingly dubbed 'The Joy Luck Club', because it is anything but.
The message just stated that one of our brethren passed away, suddenly and unexpectedly that evening from causes yet to be revealed. It stunned me and didn't even sink in right away. What? How? Huh? No, I don't believe - these were my first few thoughts. The man in question (name to be kept private) was a friend of mine probably in his early to mid 50's. He had struggled with alcohol, drugs, and other poor decisions throughout the majority of his life....in and out of rehab and prison on numerous occasions....when he was younger.
Within the last few years, he found God, and was doing his utmost to turn his life around. I didn't know him through his earlier, bad and dark times. When I joined the group, my separation from my wife was new, I hadn't officially filed yet. For him, he just got out of a divorce he also did not want....which was painful and tough on him and he knew the trials and tribulations and emotions I would soon be facing because he just experienced the whole gamut himself.
I only knew him as the man who had a dry and quick wit. Who knew his bible verses, who often prayed for me and my wife, who volunteered when and where he could, a good listener, who attended daily AA meetings. A man desperately trying to put his past behind him and break the various chains of bondage that plagued him for so long and be reborn into a new life...one in which he could laugh, feel free, make new friends, start over.
And then it ended without warning.
A few weeks ago my grandmother died as well. She was 88 years old, the mother of my own mother. She too died suddenly, and I didn't get to say goodbye to her either. I haven't even properly grieved that loss other than shed a few tears here and there, but I feel guilty I didn't call more often.
The leader of our men's group.....his son died in a horrible motorcycle accident about 5 months ago and he has been somber and changed ever since. I don't blame him, and don't have the words to soothe him. Hell, I'm a mess half the time myself.
My grandfather just turned 96. He's slowly fading. Every day he gets more and more depressed. My family is trying to put him in an assisted living home....but he is stubborn, and has moments of extreme alertness, peppered with random moments of senility and 'accidents'. He is not long for this world either and his faith in God and Christ as his saviour are shaky at best.
I've been off my medication for a few months now. And despite all this crap, I am sleeping a bit better and other side effects are minimal.
But I am thinking I am reaching that point in my life where I attend more funerals than birthdays. I hear more about divorce than I hear about marriage announcements. Everything seems to be a blur to me anymore....I'm just trying to find the time to do laundry and unload the dishwasher anymore.
I don't even know how I want to end this post. I guess I just really miss the innocence and ignorance of my youth.
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