I wish I were Vulcan

Spock explaining Pon Farr

If anyone has ever watched the Star Trek: The Original Series (ST:TOS as its known by most geeks like me), you'll know that scinece officer Spock is Vulcan.  One of the traits of being Vulcan as opposed to their genetic bretheren, the Romulans, is that they work very hard to repress their emotions.

Only once every 7 years, known as Pon Farr, do they allow their emotions to run wild...usually in an over the top agressive fashion including overt sexuality and violence.

I'll also let you know I've been off my medication, Citropram (generic Lexapro), for almost two months now.  To be honest, I'm not sure the dosage was working for me anyway.  I was taking it every day for almost three months, and I didn't feel any different.  Granted, it's one of the most tumultous peridos of my life, but other drugs I have felt the effects, not so much on this one.

Anyway, my emotions were all over the place again this weekend.  The two main emotions felt: sadness (and it's step cousins - anxiety, loniliness, doubt) and some anger (guest starring rage & bitterness).

I didn't go to Celebrate on Friday night, which was probably a HUGE mistake.  Instead, I went to a bar and a few beers.  Not a great combination - beer & feelings of failure.  Not even sure why I went.  I suppose a part of me just didn't want to hang out with other hard luck cases again on a Friday night, thinking somehow I may have overcome things or I deserved a break from this weekly ritual.  Oh, and in case you're wondering...no, I didn't get loaded or drunk.  I actually had 2 fish taco's and met a friend there, but was home no later than 8pm.

Saturday I went to my men's group in the morning.  It was long.  2 hours long to be exact, about 30 minutes over our normal time.  I'm not sure what got accomplished there either.  I didn't feel that much different once I left.  Actually worse now that I think about it.  I started really feeling sorry for myself....Down right feelings of being pathetic.  I tried to get out...I did walk my dog, did go to the gym...but those two things only took up less than 2 hours of the whole day.  The rest of the day was me alone with my mind.

Yesterday was even worse.  I stared the morning by watching Joel Osteen then going to my own church...where I sat in the back row...and cried.  One of the guys from my men's group saw me and tried to comfort me, but he knew I was a lost cause.  I sucked it up, and finished the service, then went grocery shopping.

I did have a reprieve in the afternoon when some friends asked me to go to an outdoor concert with them.  I did and had a great time, until one of them let it slip that my wife and her parents hosted a BBQ last night (Saturday) and many of our mutual friends went.  The reason for the BBQ? A "thank you" dinner for those that "supported" her and a "goodbye" before she goes to treatment.

Really?

A "Thank You for your support" BBQ.  What are they supporting?  The fact she left?  The fact they enable her?  The fact she been unemployed for 15 months and has done nothing about it?  The fact she stuck me with the bills?  That she walked away?  Are you F'n kidding me? Wow...looks like my inlaws did a 180.

I don't think I was supposed to know about this.

My wife then texted me yesterday...not mentioning the BBQ...but hoping that we can work things out after she returns in a couple of weeks.  So, when I got home yesterday afternoon....I just sat with my dog and began thinking.  All I could think about was a BBQ with all these enablers about hugging her, giving her kinds words, congratulating her...blah, blah, blah.  And I'm home alone.

Yeah, I know as I write this, it makes me look small and petty and whiny.  Hell, I agree with that and much more.  It made me angry.  Sorry, but this makes me want to dig in further and I'm glad I wrote a few of these people out of my life.  Even if my wife and I were to get back together....I said 'if'...I'll be darned sure that there is a few certain people that will never set foot in my house again.  Not that I am angry, violent, or wish them any ill will.  I just don't need them in my life and I feel like a schmuck, but they allowed me to draw that line in the sand and made me decide who I will accept and who I won't accept in my life anymore.  For lack of a better term...they are dead to me (at least for now until I the pain is over...and I can willingly forgive).

Then my mom called me....and I lost it.

Yup...my mom's only son was alone in an unlit house crying that I am hurt, I am lonely, and I want the pain to go away.  She offered to drive over to my house and keep me company.  I thanked her, but said "No.", I didn't feel like company...just wanted to go to bed...and that's what I did at 8:30 last night.

No wonder I got up at 4:30am this morning.