Oscar the Grouch

The last few days I had been actually feeling 'okay'.

Work has picked up a tad which is nice because it makes the day go by faster, and I can turn my mind to more daily and appropriate responsibilities.  My neighbors (other than the 2 women) have been very cordial with me this week and even invited me out to dinner one night.

My deepest thoughts I either share right here, or with my dad.  I sanitize, or hold back a tiny bit from my mother because she has a tendency to over react or get involved when I don't need her to be.  Case in point, when I told my dad about the recent calls I received from my MIL & BIL he was a bit upset himself, but warned me it may be better not to divulge to my mother.....lest she get worked up and do something stupid.

That's really hard to do...when my mom calls and asks me how I am...I have to "lie" and say I'm 'okay' when in actuality I want to tell her what happened, and if anything, just to unload.  It's very hard to keep all this stuff bottled up inside day after day after day, and also not turn to drinking myself.  In all honesty, there is no booze in my house at all, and though I've been tempted to get a bottle of whisky the last few days, the fact is I haven't.

The last few nights I've even been getting a decent amount of sleep for a change.  Well, at least the last 3 days anyway, despite the heat.

But then I woke up this morning, and just felt grouchy.  Negative energy slowly building within my core.  I've been pretty good about my meds everyday, but it seems today my emotions have a stronger will than the happy chemicials coursing through my brain.  In a nutshell, I feel angry.

I called my dad and let him know.  Not because I expected him to solve anything or make me feel better.  It was just to verbalize my feelings and get them out in hopes I may feel better.  It didn't really work.  He said this is all to be expected...Good days & bad days.

I'm not on the verge of tears today.  I'm just angry.  Today, my wife is supposed to hand in her paperwork to my lawyer.  Today is the deadline and hopefully this will move along if she doesn't stall.

I haven't called or talked to her or her family, nor have they attempted to contact me since last Sunday.  I wonder if they think I'm going to blink and cave.  My dad thinks so.  He thinks that these recent calls were their attempt to be 'reasonable' and for me to give her another chance...that I could possibly be worked over somewhat emotionally.  The truth is...I can be...and have been known to cave in the past.  But this time, I'm just not...and maybe they are surprised.  Maybe they are expecting that phone to ring any minute and for me to ask her to come back now that her behavior has improved the last 7 weeks.

Yes, it's a start (her improvements that is)...but no, it isn't going to happen.  I'm not picking up the phone at this point, especially since my 'Chistianity' came into question.  7 weeks of 'decent' behavior under the watchful eye of your own parents does not negate years of shit.  You can continue to pay for her until the court says otherwise.