The last few days have been a little rough.
Despite the distraction that was a great BBQ this past Saturday night, once again my thoughts turn inward and for reasons I cannot explain, and how illogical they seem to their core, I somehow still feel like I either failed or could have done more.
My dad came over early this morning to walk my dog for me, and I was trying to enjoy a cup of coffee this morning on the couch when he came over. I had awoken once in the middle of the night after a dream I had in regards to my wife. I can't recall any details of the dream, but I know it was her.
In the quiet darkness of 6am prior to the sun coming up, I just sat and allowed my fractured feelings dominate my mind and rule over my heart again.
It sucked.
I looked at a calender and it's closing in on 7 months now that she walked out.
It's been two months since her 'life coaching'.
It has been 1 week since we last spoke.
Lord, why do I continue to hurt so much? Why do these thoughts plague me as they do? The signs have all been there. The support of family, friends, church. The daily devotionals, the prayers, the attempt at regaining my life...
Although there has been progress, at times it just seems as everything I know to be true, and everything that I learned just won't stick.
In this last week, I've actually had two separate women approach me in public....making small talk with me...It's nice and I know I have a lot to offer. I can still attract the opposite sex, but as nice as the simple flirting goes to lift my spirits...the feeling is only temporary.
I wish I could be angry, and hateful, and bitter at times with my wife. Perhaps that would fuel me to get over this faster. But it's just not in my nature....not in my genetic coding to hold a grudge. I am a forgiving person to a fault.
Why is it that everyone knows that my wife had major issues (including me), and yet I still allow myself to have my spirit broken by the past and now my BIL/MIL. It is so maddening and non-sensical. Knowing how absurd it is even makes it more ludicrous to me.
I feel like going home today. I have work today, but my mind is just not in it. I'd like to go to a bar myself, and check out for a few hours, but even I know that it just comes back later.
I have effectively become my own punching bag.
1 comment:
So now, instead of beating yourself up, you need to give yourself a break. That's enough for a day/week/month/year... Forgive YOURSELF.
This song comes to mind - Don Henley - Heart of the Matter -
I got the call today
That I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Ah...these times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah...the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things - we kill I guess...
Ohh pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn't keep me warm
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; cause' life goes on
If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me...
Forgiveness (yeah)
Forgiveness (baby)
Forgiveness (ohh)
Forgiveness (ahh yeaaahhh)
Forgiveness (ohh)
Forgiveness
Even if, you don't love me anymore...
This song was popular when I was in college and has always struck a chord with me... Really who is he talking about forgiving? Her? Himself? The other person? Forget about the "you don't love me anymore" part - you obviously still have feelings for each other - but the part about "And the more i know, the less I understand - All the things I thought I'd figured out - I have to learn again" is certainly true of any breakup... You will sort it all out again, and move on someday. So much of that is out of your hands, so quit beating yourself up for things out of your control, and try to FORGIVE yourself for being human...
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