Sunday morning seemed to drag on forever.
The meeting was scheduled back at my house at 11am. When I arrived in my car, I saw that my inlaws, my BIL/SIL and for the first time our hired 'gun' standing outside. My parents took their own car and followed me up.
I could see my wife standing in the neighbors driveway a few houses down, and of course a few of my neighbors...people we've shared our home with and 8 years of memory staring back at me. I can only imagine what my wife has been saying to them...so what was to be a family affair has now turned into a public circus. Oh...this is going to go just frickin' splendid. Two of my neighbors walked by a little closer (nosey I'm sure) and one just looked away from me when her eyes met mine. By now I feel ill to my stomach, light-headed, and weak-kneed.
My wife defiantly stepped into the house and stood in the kitchen as the rest of sat around the table. She was not going to sit.
The process is supposed to be open, without negativity, without judgement, without malice and instead warm, loving, cautionary. Well, that's how our interventionist explained it. Clearly, he's never met my wife and didn't know what he was getting into.
My BIL started, followed by my SIL, then my MIL, and I was number 4. It didn't matter what anyone said to her, her eyes were locked onto me....I could only imagine the daggers behind those eyes. I explained that I didn't want a divorce, and I still don't. That I love her, but this drinking a bottle a day, every day, at all hours...coming and going as she pleases is dangerous, disrespectful, not normal behavior...and that she needs help. Her daughter opened up by revealing to us all (something I didn't know) that she was picking her up from work with open containers on numerous occasions.
Well, as you can imagine....no matter how calm and even we kept our voices, my wife flat out rejected the any possibilty that she was an alcoholic. And if she did drink...it was because of me. Yup...here we go.
It was amazing to hear how much she blocked out, forgot, denied and managed to redirect towards me. The whole family recognizes and points out to her that she never takes any responsibility for anything and as I guage the temperature of the room, I can slowly see (that although I have everyone's support) this is about to fail. I am not the cause of ALL of her problems, and in teh end, we all make our own personal decisions...I didn't pour any of these drinks down her throat.
Sure enough. She refused to go to treatment and actually walked out on us all....up to the neighbors I'm sure to bury me in slander. Yup...within minutes a text message from a female neighbor up the street direct to me said "I want nothing to do with you anymore." (*SIGH*)
Great, for sure I've lost a friend in a neighbor who knows nothing of our issues and my ongoing struggle. If that is one neighbors reaction, I can imagine there will be more...and for what reason? Because I want to save my marriage? Because I want my wife to be safe? To clear her own personal demons? After all the years I've helped bail her out financially, took my step-daughter in (not once, but twice), taken her places, always tried to help her....now I'm to be villified and flogged in public because I care and I'm in love.
The most irritating thing of the whole ordeal is yet again, my father in law, the grizzled Marine...just sat silent the whole time not wanting to step-up to his own daughter and allowed for the rest of us squirm and twist in the wind, especially me.
The interventionist, as nice as he was, could not seem to command my wife's attention at all (which I was afraid of) and she blew us all off...including her own mother who was now crying. In retrospect, I knew this was going to be a disaster from the start and sure as spit, somehow, I went along with it and just watched it fail before my eyes.
And get this....of all things, everyone agreed that now I should leave the house for the night!! What?? This is my house...the house I paid for without any money from my wife...from my own savings...with only my name on the title and loan documents....and I'm the one that has to leave?
The initial plan was for her to enter treatment, with the back up that if she refuses, we pack her a few bags and tell her to leave until she can sit down and talk. But instead, now I'm leaving again.....(double sigh)
Next: 1st night.
2 comments:
:( I'm sorry... that just blows...
You've pretty much said it, but wow... I couldn't agree more with you on the below items:
Your BIL seriously made an error in notifying her of a meeting and giving her time to build up anger/resentment/excuses, etc...
It's disappointing to hear your FIL did/said nothing - quite simply she needed to hear it from both of her parents, and if he held back due to anger, he should have said as much...
On the neighbor - if she was so quick to rush to judgement, I'm thinking there's no loss there...
You were asked to leave the house? Is it because they thought she had nowhere to go? I know you'll share more when you're ready...
Know I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best, and without a doubt, I'm not the only one.
1) The reasoning why my BIL pulled the trigger as they tried to explain to me is that if they left it up to me to inform her, I would have gotten cold feet. Probably true to an extent, but I was hoping for a 'surprise' intervention, not one that gave my wife 17 hours to prepare for and apparently tell the neighbors as well.
2) Yes, as much as I love my FIL, I was really let down by his silence.
3) On the neighbor - That one hurts. That's adding salt to my wounds...but wait it gets even better....
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