Questions of faith.

"Strive to trust ME in more and more areas of your life. Anything
that tends to make you anxious is a growth opportunity. Instead of running
away from these challenges, embrace them, eager to gain all the blessings I have
hidden in the difficulties. If you beleive that I am sovereign over every
aspect of yoru life, it is possible to trust Me in all situations. Don't
waste energy regretting the way things are or thinking about what might have been. Start at the present moment -- accepting things esactly as they
are -- and search for My way in the midst of those circumstances." (Jesus
Calling by Sarah Young)

That's my problem God... No matter how much I try not to, I do waste energy regretting the way things ought to have been according to me. I know your plan isn't necessarily my plan, but you know my heart, and my heart aches. From an early age you blessed me with a great mind...a mind that could think outside the box. A creative mind with a great immagination. I had visions early on on what my life was going to be like: A happy marriage, A loving wife, beautiful kids.

Yet somewhere down the line, I must have blinked, because none of those visions came true. No...somewhere my thoughts went astray. I became plagued with self-doubt, confusion, queations of faith. The doctors said I am prone to depression, that my brain doesn't make enough of the chemicals it should be. Not enough seratonin or endorphins or whatever.

My wife once said I was 'broken' and I needed to be 'fixed'. At first I thought she was just saying things to say them in the heat of the moment, but now.....I'm not so sure. Maybe I am just this side of 'clinical'. Maybe I am indeed on the precipice of functional.

Lord, I literally cry out and weep to you. Give me strength. I don't care about the cliches of You will only give me as much as I can handle. Don't you get it God? I don't want to handle anymore. I want a break. I want some peace. I want to wake up and be joyful for this day you made....but I'm not.

I tried the Lexapro. I tried the Cimbalta. I tried therapy. I tried prayer. I tried to give it all to you, to lighten the load, but somewhere along the line I failed. I took it back, or maybe I never gave it to you to begin with. I don't even know anymore. It's all so hazy.

I made an appointment to see a Dr. this Friday morning. I need different medications, or a stronger dose. I'm depressed Lord....You know this to be true.

Why does the scripture "To die is to gain." keep echoing in my head. Satan, is that you? Are you really stalking me at every single corner, or is my mind becoming so feable in some aspects, I can't identify anylonger whose got their hands in what anymore?

When does my life become fun again?