Although it does weigh on me a bit that my parents are helping me out at 42. Mind you, I'm a hard worker and I'm generally good with money and very responsible. I've made a lot of sacrifices these last few years...more so than I like...but I allowed myself and my wife to bite off a bit more than we could have chewed. When the yellow flags went up some time back, I made a overt decision to cut back on things because I knew then that she would not. Perhaps I was just prolonging the inevitable.
I try not to get angry. I don't like being angry. It doesn't get solve or help anything. Doesn't change things. Doesn't pay the bills. At times I'm not even sure what the definition of anger is anymore. Maybe I'm really feeling a combination of failure, stupidity, anxiety, and frustration. Mix all those together under a small simmer for years and outcomes what feels like anger.
I told my mom what transpired earlier that day. The phones calls and the texts which I ignored until I got off of work. The car ride home I accepted my wifes call and at first she pleaded with me to reconsider a divorce...that she has 'changed'. That I'm not giving her a chance now.
Funny I thought I gave her years of chances that were neglected, dismissed, rejected, etc. She is under the belief that the past 7 weeks of 'decent' behavior since check-in with the 'life-coach' now negates or sweeps under the run all of her prior responsibilities. She's "sorry" now.
Wasn't sorry a few months ago. Wasn't sorry when she left. Wasn't sorry when she went out drinking and having fun with her friends. Wasn't sorry when she left her daughter, or threw away all the advice so many people gave her.
Okay enough of the broken record.
Anyway, her demeanor changed slightly on the phone when I wouldn't budge. Then it became all about my faults. Yes...in one ear and out the other for me. I heard it all before. Nothing new is being brought to the table. She wants to come over this evening and get her mail. I noticed she got a new magazine subscription and had it sent to the house. Why?
Speaking of mail, she sent me a Halloween card that I retrieved from the mailbox yesterday. It was a nice card, funny. It was signed
She informed me that her unemployment has officially run out. She is solely dependant on her cash only job now. I have mixed feelings on that, and I'm not proud. Part of me feels bad, but a small part of me only. I'm not jumping up and down for joy....I take no glee in her financial heartaches....but I will admit the larger part of me feels like saying: "Well, Karma finally caught up. Glad you had a lot of time goofing around and hope you had a lot of fun putting yourself first. Now you can pay for yourself, for once, or you can become your parents burden for a while. If they are okay for bailing you out , as usual, who am I to say otherwise."
Not only has her unemployment run out, and she chose to do nothing the past year and a half to correct it, next month my company's open enrollement for benefits is up. I will not be signing her up. The money I will save from that will go towards her bills she stuck me with.
After dinner my mom came back over to my house and we sat and talked for a bit. Well, she did most of the talking. She had to point out to me numerous examples of bad moments. Some of them I actually forgot (or did I bury them and pretend they didn't happen?), but she wasn't wrong in any of them. There they were again... a virtual pile of my wifes transgressions...whether directed towards me, her family, her daughter, the neighbors, or just stupid decisions that put her in the place she is now. I had to be reminded that she did these things, I didn't. She dug this hole even though I tried numerous times to take away the shovel. Now she has to lay in it.
I feel anxious. Anxious for the unkown I suppose. What's going to be said or done this evening? What will happen in the weeks ahead? When will this be over? When will these feelings of confusion and numbness stop?
2 comments:
Think back to a point in your life when you were younger, and had many unknowns ahead of you. Did you feel anxious? Excited? Worried? How did things turn out? How much control over those outcomes did you really have? You've just got to have faith that things will eventually shift to the positive following something difficult. Every day is an act of faith, really. You've just got to keep on going, and one day, possibly sooner than you might expect, things will feel easier again. Just keep on keepin' on...
Heh...that reminds me of a bible verse--> "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Phil 4:6)
Basically stating that being anxious for things out of our control is absurd....well...because they are indeed out of our individual control.
Instead, Thank God for these challenges as it will some day make you a stronger & better person and somewhere there is a lesson buried deep within...It may take a while to find it, but it's there.
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