A solemn meal

I met my wife last night at an Italian restaurant at 5:30pm last night, smack between both my house and her parents.

I tried my best to be strong, keep my composure, and remain confident, and looking back at the events last night, I think I did a pretty decent job.

We spoke cordially and honestly, but it was tough.  It was very tough to see her cry.  I've seen her cry before, but not always when it comes to us.  That's usually my gig. 

I told her that I will not be going to counseling with her Thursday.  Truth be told, I haven't even looked at the packet (i.e. homework) that he gave us last week, and I told her I wanted to be fair and just and to fill it out with a clear head.  Anything I do now will be rushed, not well thought out, and I didn't want to make anything up just to satisfy her or him to say I completed it.  It isn't fair to her, nor myself.

I told her that as much as I do miss her, I do not miss certain aspects of her...and I was quite blunt: I told her I did not miss her alternate side, the side that can be mean, sarcastic, unforgiving, and condescending.  I told her about the not so pleasant dream I had in regards to the neighbor who now shuns me.  I told her that there are certain friends of hers I'm quite okay with never seeing them again.  I wasn't mean in my disposition in this explanation.  I was calm and got to the point, stating these feelings matter-of-factly so as I would not lose my own composure or get distracted by emotions within.  Is it better to rip the band-aid off quickly, or slowly peel it away?  As a matter of fact, a mutual friend invited us both to a party in two weeks.  She asked me if I was going to go.  I said probably not due to the fact that the two female neighbors who despise me were invited as were a few of my wife's ex-coworkers who believed her tall tales of exaggerated untruths without ever speaking to me about my side of the events.  I don't feel the need to explain myself and I don't want to feel awkward, so why would I go?  I know a bunch of my other friends won't be going either due to the nature of my wife and I....we were the common bond between varying sets of friends.

I also asked how she envisioned the upcoming Holidays.  She said she wanted to spend them with me, and I told her that this year, when she left for another state that my family had already began making plans.  Thanksgiving will be at my moms, Christmas possibly at my Aunt & Uncles.  She suggested that I can do both, that is have Thanksgiving with my parents, and then come to her sisters house in the evening.  Same with Christmas.  Although I suppose this is plausible, it wouldn't be easy, and I surely don't want to upset my parents.  As much as I appreciate her gesture and would love to see her family....especially my FIL & MIL (I miss them dearly).

This is when she began to cry.  Where she told me she feels like she's getting the short end of the stick.  I replied that isn't a fair statement.  She may be feeling like she's getting the short end of the stick after 5 weeks, but I got the short end of the stick for over 5 months, so her comment didn't really phase me.

When dinner was over, I insisted that I pay and we walked out together.  I told her I have a pamphlet I wanted her to read about codependency in regards to me, and she said she had a book to give me in the future as well and I agreed to read it.  We hugged.  I told her I was sorry, it wasn't my intention to make her cry. I am not trying to get 'even', or 'vengenance', etc.  But I had to tell her I need to step away for a while.

When I got home, I packed two more boxes of her stuff.  One large box of some of her knick-knacks, and another box of the ridiculous amount of trial size shampoo bottles, body lotions, and other toiletries that have been in our vanity for 8 years and never used.

I went to bed, and despite taking a sleeping pill, I was up off and on all night long, and when I awoke this morning, I feel empty, solemn, and sad.