Unexpected words of encouragement

Sometimes people suprise you.

Just when you think all is always the same, someone's small unexpected gesture really moves you.

That happened to me yesterday.

It was my grandmothers birthday, and I felt obligated to give her a call, and I really wasn't looking forward to it.

I'm glad I did.

I have always loved my grandmother. However, the last few years I have allowed a small wall of indifference to erect between us. Perhaps I was the one who supplied the mortar and bricks. My grandmother can be somewhat one-sided. I don't believe her to be malicious or mean-spirited, but I have taken note the last few years of her stuborness nature and one dimensional way of perceiving and/or exaggerating events that make others feel like they always have to walk on egg-shells. She is 'always' right and throws the occasional self-pity party that I have learned to steel my emotions inward and grin and bear it. She is my grandmother afterall, and I was always taught to respect my elders and family, though I don't always agree why.

Perhaps my own personal demons and stories from other family members have clouded my judgement and perceptions and helped fuel the stringent attitude I have developed towards her. Through my recent self-revelations with the church I am becomming more and more aware of my prejudices, and I have developed strong feelings for certain people. Those feelings have not necessarily crossed over to anger or negativity, but indifference. The old saying 'Out of sight-out of mind.' I just don't want to deal with people and their drama anymore. I have my own drama that I ma dealing with, I don't want anyones else's to add to my own. I don't want to help anyone else right now....can't they see I am the one on edge recently? Can't they see I am the one that needs help right now? That I am one wise-crack away from losing it?

Christ says to love everbody as you want to be loved yourself. To learn to be patient...an on going struggle of mine. To be a good listener and gave sound advice. More importantly, Jesus has the power to soften one's heart, and I need my heart to be softened. I need to continue to learn forgiveness. He worked on Saul's heart, and Saul was in much worse shape than myself.

So here I was, calling my Grandmother to wish her a happy birthday, and I was wondering how long the call would be because I was preparing myself for a new 'woe is me' story. That story didn't come. Instead, my grandmother said she loved me....more than I could ever know...and that she prayed for me daily....for my hapiness. Perhaps she sensed my spirit is lacking as of late. She lamented that money doesn't mean squat, and that I had to live my life as a happy person. Because without hapiness then I am really not living my life. She spoke to me for 40 minutes! And the whole time telling me that I had to live life the way God intended it to be for all his children. Happy. I wasn't placed here to please everyone else and become everyone elses shoudler to cry on...that I was allowed to cry on others shoulders for once. I was the one who had to look in the mirror everyday as I got ready for work and ask myself "Are you happy today?"

I am not happy.

My happiness comes in spurts. Usually from the books I read, or the games Iplay, or the TV I watch, or the friends I have. I am learning to recognize that certain happy moments come from God directly, like when my dog greets me and wants to sit on my lap. When my wife occasionaly touches me unsolicted. When my father says 'he loves me' which rarely leaves his lips. When my mother slips me a card on occasion. Of course I am happy at those moments. I just wish there were more of them.

Before I knew it, my eyes were in tears on the phone from my grandmother. I had not heard her talk to me like that....in forever. She lent her support to me...in everything I do. She prays for me to be happy. I feel like such a schmuck to have been harboring the feeling I have....to let them fester inside me and taint me the way they have. I am not worthy, but by God's grace and love for me can I learn to forgive and forget and to move on and to love those who I allowed to affect me.

She prays for me to be happy.