A day of festering

Yesterday, I forgot to take my morning pill.

I don't always forget to take my pill, but there are mornings when I'm in a rush or I'm still shaking the cobwebs out of my skull that I walk out the door without downing my pill. It's not on purpose, I honestly do forget, even if I place the whole bottle on the kitchen counter.

Anyway it was one of the days yesterday...a typical Monday. There are a few people I work with that aren't overly cooperative. Actually one individual, while I find very nice on the outside, when it comes to work is very evasive and easily passes the buck. Since I am low man on the totem pole, I often find that the problem issues get dumped on me. I more or less recently figured out I am the 'grunt', the guy to do the least favorite or least easy of all the jobs.

In one way, I don't really mind because I am happy to be working, and I do get to move around. However, I do get irritated when I know that I am being taken advantage of, especially when others prove to be very lazy.

There was an incident that defined this yesterday and as I sat on the phone listening to my directives, I knew I was getting irritated. Irritated to the fact I slammed the phone down when I was done realizing I had to go do grunt work yet again that could easily be done by anybody, and even though I was the furthest person away from the solution, this person gave it to me.

There's a story somewhere in the New Testament in which these guys toil all day long outside in the fields, and these other workers show up for the last hour of work and at the end of the day they are all paid the same amount of talents. The workers that worked all day long began to complain: "This is unfair. Why should they make the same amount as us when they worked so little?" The outcome was basically the lesson: Don't worry about others, worry about yourself, in the end, God is just and we don't know the whole story.

While I understand the concept, it doesn't make it any easier for me to wrap my head around and move on, worrying only about myself and giving thanks to God that I am at least working. Yes, things are unfair at times and people take advantage of me, but God wants me to put those thoughts of frustration and anger out of my head. They can only fester and lead to further resentment and all I am doing is poisoning myself in the end.

I eventually got over this, at least for the time being, and took my dog for a walk later in the evening. I do it for him, to get his exercise, and I guess a side effect is the 20-30 minutes I spend alone with my thoughts praying to God as my best friend and I do our routine. I started to think about death again last night. Not mine, but that of my parents and I began to cry. I cried because I was sad and wondered what kind of effect this will eventually have on me. This scares me deeply. While I do believe my parents will find joy and eternal peace, I am not sure I can cope. I pictured myself saying goodbye to my father and told him to wait for me, because I will see him soon. Is that because once my parents die I will lose the will to live for myself? I shudder to think how people move on when a loved one dies.

My connection and feelings for my parents are deep. When all else fails here on earth, they are there for me and I know their love is true. I am embarrassed to say that sometimes I do place them before God and I often feel a security with them that I have yet to experience from the church. That bothers me a lot. For once they are gone, I am afraid that feeling of security and love cannot and will not be replaced until I die.

Why, oh why dear Jesus do I not feel strong enough for you to fill that void even though that day has yet to come?