Taking yet another interlude from my background, an event happened last night which really made me reflect on the person I am, and made me feel uncomfortable enough to have me pray numerous times throughout the evening and is still weighing on my mind today.
As I stood in my driveway last night, a former co-worker of mine dropped by to say 'Hi', and as innocent as he was, he mentioned a rumor he had heard regarding me and my former employer.
You see, I was at a company that I really enjoyed for just over ten years. There really wasn't anything I disliked about it, except the last two years I had come into contact with a gentleman who would become my manager for a while and to put it mildly, we did not see things eye-to-eye. Factually, this person had issues with numerous people where many of them ended up leaving to other departments to get from under his abbrasive style, or kept their mouth shut and just continued to roll with the punches, and the punches came often.
That was always a hard pill for me to swallow, and perhaps God was giving me the opportunity to learn to be mindful of those in authority positions even if I disagreed with many of the decisions. Perhaps God was teaching me patience, and I was being deaf to the lesson, continuing to harbor resentment and dislike, something very unhealthy with numerous consequences.
I often prayed about my situation in regards to this person, asking God to remove him from my sphere, or grant me peace of mind. When I realized those thing weren't happening, I turned inward and asked for God to soften my heart to be a forgiving spirit. Yet I failed there as well. As time went on, I knew my heart was becomming hardened, my spirit uneasy, my hatred festering.
Looking back, I honestly believe that I, and I alone allowed this person to get under my skin, and that God had asked me to let go, but I have a problem letting go and with all the other issues happening in my life these feeling contributed immensly to my depression and insecurities. There was no way I was going to let this person steamroll me as I had watched him steamroll so many others.
I never understood why management recognized this person had issues and rubbed many a person the wrong way, yet continued to turn a blind eye. Unfortunately for me, this made my resolve even stronger. It was either him or me. And last night, I learned the reason why it was me.
I have always been a vocal, yet respectful person. However, I guess management felt that we would never get along no matter what steps they took.
I was eventually let go, under the assumption my position was just eliminated. I got a great severence package and nice letters of recommendation, but something always seemed wrong to me they way I was dissmissed. I took the high road, never caused a scene, but always suspected it had something to do with this individual, yet those that let me go swore up and down it wasn't. My reviews were always great, I was respected, and I knew my job and I kew it well, which is why when I was let go, I never quite understood the reasonings. Something didn't add up.
Well, bringing this back to last night, my former co-worker had let it slip that during a recent 'team building' exercise I had made some very pointed questions, and without mentioning names, everybody knew who I was talking about and I guess another manager felt I had crossed the line in my questioning.
To be honest, I can't recall exactly what I said, but I can imagine it was something to the effect on 'What do you do to resolve conflict with a person that management recognizes as an issue, but chooses to do nothing'. Truth is, that's exactly what was going on. Upper management knew and admitted to having issues with this person, but because he was management, they chose to look the other way, and my recogniztion of this whole tactic was making me an uneasy person.
I was losing respect for everyone because they would tell me that would handle it, and never would. This person was getting away with everything, and those like me, even though a hard worker and got along with everyone was being viewed as a potential trouble-maker.
I guess it was my line of innocent question at the team building exercise that led one manger to believe that I complained to much, and without even a warning, I guess it was decided behind closed doors that I would be 'let go' (not fired) in order to restore peace.
I have to say, I was very hurt and troubled about this. In one way, I am a happier person today because I don't have to interact with that person anymore, but I am very disapointed in those I though were my friends and could not have told me the truth or warned me.
That happened a few months ago and I thought I was over it. But that little tidbit of information last night brought back all that anger and frustration I had been asking God to remove from my heart and mind. In the end, I had to fall very hard before God picked me back up. And while he did indeed pick me back up, I do not feel 100% restored. I made certain sacrafices in my life, not all of them I care for, but it has opened my eyes to how indifferent I was towards those I felt who were unjust to me.
Today I am a contractor, I no longer have a guaranteed job, and a lot can change on a week to week basis, though I am thankful that God is providing. I make less money today than I did before, but maybe God is trying to point out to me there is more to life like health and hapiness than there is to money. Today I continue to pray for forgiveness and love for those I do not care for, but last night proved to me I still carry bitterness in my heart.
It has been a great test, one of emotion and strife, and I'm still not sure if I passed or not.
How can I enter the kingdom of heaven with this cancer of dislike, distrust, and ill-will on my heart.
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