Quelling my feelings of anger and hatred

"Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ." - Philippians 4: 5-7

I'm not sure why, but yesterday, as yet another day at my new job came to a close, I began to reflect on my previous job of 10 years, and the few months of mental anguish that followed.

I miss that job, but I often complained even to myself that I was feeling complacent and unheard and it was getting to me. Not the job itself, but the politics and some individuals I had to interact with daily. I enjoy what I do immensly, but I have never had the gift of patience or backing down from people when decisions don't make sense. I truly believe God opened the door for that opportunity, but perhaps it was my hard-headeness, anger, and sometimes hatred that led to my downfall. Perhaps it was my depression that led to my anger and unhappiness there, or maybe the decisions and spirtual conflict I was having there intensified my depression.

There are two overall themes I wanted to discuss here, and while seperate, are also intertwined: Letting go of personal control to God, and harboring anger and resentment.

From a non-spiritual standpoint, its pretty well documented that negative emotions can take a toll on ones health. From physical health to mental health, anger and anxiousness can lead to insomnia, violence, ulcers, depressions, high blood pressure, stress, heart disease, etc., etc. Funny how we can look at this as logical and fact, but when it consumes us as individuals, it is hard to overcome, let go, and become one with peace and forgiveness. I think Christ instructed us not only to forgive because it was pleasing to Him and God for our spiritual development, but He also knew that not being able to let go and letting issues fester inside of us led to our physical and mental shortcommings as well.

Being not in control and letting it consume us is a result and side effect of fear. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown. Will I be able to provide for my family? Do I feel secure? Can I get along with others? Will God keep his promise to replace what has been taken away with something better? That in and of itself is a double edge sword. On one side I pray that God knows best and will my faith to believe His followers fall under His protection and He will look out for us. On the flip side, it is my fear that questions how did I allow things to spiral out of control to begin with? Why can't I let go? Why can't I be at peace? How will I know I can secure my place in life, and provide for my family? God may call me home tomorrow, and I while I look forward to that peace, I as a mortal also wonder about the foundations of my family. Will they survive and move on in peace? Will they be secure when I am gone? That I do not know. I can only pray and have faith that they will, but my faith is not 100%, lest I not fear to begin with.

Then there is Hatred. Not the type of hatred you have for that unfavorite vegetable, or a flat tire, or long lines at an amusement park. Hatred towards my fellow man. Yes, I may dislike or even hate terrorism, but those are feelings of 'hate' towards a general concept or ideology. I can't think of many thing I truly, deep down hate, but there are some individuals I say fearfully in Gods eye that I do, and I pray I can overcome. There is one individual that for whatever reason God has allowed in my life. Was it a test? Did God want to see if I could overcome? Did God want to point out to me my own insecurities and shortcommings so that I could recognize them on my own and draw myself closer to him? Knowing that I have an issue with control, did God want to teach me forgiveness and love at its base level? The questions go on and on, and I believe I have failed so far. Perhaps time will soften my heart, and this is a very long and drawn out life lesson that plagues me daily until I relinquish all control of my life to Him.

I pray daily that God lifts me out of hatred of this individual and delivers me from this spiritual chaos and allow me to feel comfort and peace. I believe He would say that He has already answered that prayer, but I am too stubborn to hear it, to let go, and to trust in Him. I feel that this person wronged me. I feel that this person manipulated me and those around me to his benefit and my demise. I feel that this person had spiritual warfare with me, and no one else recognized it. So God asked me to pray about it and relinquish control, or He would remove me from the situation.

Needless to say God has removed me from the situation, and while I should be happy, I am not for my bitterness still wells up inside me. Philipians says to 'be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer'.

I am continously anxious. I continously dwell on the past....what should I have done differently? Why can I not let go? Why can I not recognize that God is indeed in control and loves us all, and wants not for us to suffer spiritual, physcially, and mentally?

Jesus, I pray yet again to give me the strength to throw off my own blinders and schackles. That I learn yet again that hatred is for the poor in spirit, and I can only find peace through forgiveness and moving on, not mired in the chaos of the past. I pray that you protect my mind and my heart, and through me, Your spirit pours forth onto others as a lesson for change and control.