It seemed like a long walk into the neighborhood drug store. Only minutes before I had to collect my wits about me as I walked out of my doctors office feeling ashamed and embarrased and scared. Scared on what my wife and family may think of me, moreso my wife....would she want to stay with a mentally flawed person? Standing at the altar just a few years ago, we vowed "For better or for worse. In sickness and in health." Well, I guess we'll find out. I don't want them to look at me diffrently, or treat me differently, or tip toe around me, or talk about me behind my back.
I handed in my scripts and sat in the waiting area, once again, doing just yet another sojourn in a repetitive reflectiveness of my life in mere minutes. That is to say, I can't help now but think everyday, and many times a day at this point, what is going on in my brain. Why are my emotions all over the place. Emotions and the capacity to have them are said to be a blessing and a gift from God. I'll be honest, there are times I don't want the gift. The gift sometimes hurts, and it hurts bad. There is a saying about looking at life through rose-colored glasses. Once in a blue moon, I get a glimpse of that scene, but most of the time I'm not sure what I see anymore. My vision is not cloudy or obscured.....I just see...and take no real note of anything in particular. It sometimes reminds me of that movie 'Groundhog Day', where events just repeat over and over. I think the common term is being in a 'rut'. I feel like that a lot...one day after another...a slow march to eventual death where I can finally be free to soar like Jesus would like for all his children. It as if my soul is contained in this fleshly prison, poisoned over and over by the temptations of the world, the broken promises of friends, the enemies affect on my surroundings, and the quizicle looks from loved ones.
I take the pills home, and take the Clonzapen first. The effects are to calm one down....to ease the physical tension that grips my chest like a vice. The doctor explained it as having the effects of a stiff drink or a mild tranquilizer. Let me say they work. It takes about 10 to 15 minutes to kick in, but soon my body responded to a more relaxed state. The Lexapro is to be taken daily, and takes upwards of two weeks for the body to fully integrate. Its job is to help produce the seratonin, or 'happiness hormone' that may be out of balance or deficient in my brain. Imagine....perhaps some synapse inside my head has malfunctioned and is no longer firing correctly. Or maybe my brain is not producing seratonin like it once did thus leading to a state of dread.
Funny that I can look at this and type this with a scientific approach. I understand the science behind this...I can comprehend electrochemical changes in the head. I've been told I'm an intelligent person, and I grasp things and concepts faster that most people. God has definitely blessed me with a brain. By no means am I mensa material, but I know that I'm smart. That reminds me of what the doctor also asked me about.....am I easily distracted? Does my mind feel restless?
Yes. But I'm not sure in a truly negative way. My mind often races with thoughts and scenarios. I can juggle multiple books at a time, I can very easily mulititask. I had to sit and concentrate on his question and think hard. The answer: Yes, doctor....my mind always seems to be going 100 miles an hour. As a matter of fact, now that I think about it....I want that to stop. I want to relax. I want to take a deep breath and I want to stare at the sky and have no other thoughts. I want it to be quiet for once. I'd like to know what that is like, and now I cannot even remember if I ever was like that once before? Was my mind always racing? Was there ever a time whether it be 5 years ago, 10, 15....where I was satisfied with just 'being' and was I happy with simple thoughts? Was my mind always this complex and dreary but only recently did I come to recognize it? I do not know.
God allows things to happen. And we ask ourselves 'Why me?' I don't have an answer. Is this some cosmic test, that I will only learn the lesson after I have passed? Am I to suffer for years? A lifetime? Is it up to me to surrender completely unto him? Have I not already prayed about this? Have I not already let go? But I also recognize that God gave the gift of intelligence to others, namely doctors and chemists who have studied the brain and have created 'drugs' to help people like me.
Everything happens for a reason and according to His will.
I just wish someone would clue me in on what His will is for me, and why.
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