Taking two steps back

"Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity." (Ephesians 4:26 NASB)

Pray for the Holy Spirit to give you understanding over the situation you are facing. His wisdom and insight will change your perspective on the situation. Understand that at times there is more then meets the eye going on in the person who may have hurt you. Situations in the present trip undealt with issues from the past off. We haven't fully dealt with something until we have been to the cross. - author unknown.

For some reason I knew my good mood the last few days was too good to last. It seemed as if by no measure of my own, things began to slide backwards and downwards for me the last 72 hours.

When I get angry and frustrated, I tend to keep it bottled up inside, unable to express my 'true' emotions in fear of hurting myself, others, or looking like a complete ass. Since I keep this negativity within me, with no real available outlet, my emotions take on other forms. In my case, I tend to cry. That's right, my eyes tend to well up and I fight back tears instead of putting my first through a wall or smashing something even though I'd really like to.

So why am I angry today. Oh, the typical wifely modus operandi.....she has no money. That is, she has no money for specific obligations and things that take priority in life, but manages to find the funds for her social life. It is very upsetting to me, and I don't know how many times we can talk about this without it escalating into a war of words that I really don't have the energy to hear the excuses for anymore. After four years of marriage, I would like to think that my wife would put some marital and financial obligations first before instead of her 'oh, so precious' social life.

It's one thing to let our spouses enjoy some fun and have a life, but when it constantly involves drinking with non-believers, and I know her hard earned money is paying for bar tabs a few times a week, I really have a hard time swallowing or even listening too "I have no money" when it comes to things like the electric bill, or the bill from the vet for our dog.

We can talk and go around and around until the cows come home. She can give me every justification, excuse, story, whatever....in the world. It comes down to what I see:

If money is involved; there is little of it for the important things, but there is plenty of it if there are drinks involved. It goes hand-in-hand with: "I'm too tired to go to church, or too tired to walk the dog, too tired, to visit with family.....Oh wait, you mean it's a party that starts at 9pm? I'm in!"

I pray and I pray and I pray. I get angry, I get frustrated, I become disappointed, I become resentful. Funny I say this after my last two posts regarding 'unsaid love'.

Today my wife made a quip in an e-mail that sent me over the edge. She has the next few days off from work and will be spending them at home. I asked her to take the dog in for his annual checkup. She said "Okay, but how much is that going to cost?" I replied, "I don't know, are you short?" In return I received: "No, I just wasn't planning on a vet bill & don't have any extra $$ it will just come out of my horse racing money...no biggie"

????

You see, she is going with the neighbors to the track this weekend in which I was invited, but I declined. Why? Because these are with our non-believer neighbors, and I don't want to be privy to all the drinking since I myself have a tendency and a weakness to drink socially. I also realize that I'm not a gambler, and our money should be going elsewhere, but I don't want to deny my wife an outing.

What bothers me was the quip that she'd have to, (god forbid), use her racing money. This is the same person who bitched the other day because our electric bill topped $200 because we ran the air conditioner because of the recent heatwave. This again, is the same person who couldn't help pay the mortgage this last month, but had enough money to take her other friends out to lunch on Saturday, and buy breakfast for the other neighbors on Sunday, and go out bowling tonight!

Yes, I'm angry. I'm livid. I feel like taking her purse away from her. But what good is that going to do, but make me look like an ass? Like I'm controlling? Like I'm that recluse husband that is about to go postal (I sure feel like it).

I'm doing everything in my power right now to pray about it. I plan on talking to one of my church counselors tonight....not just for the state of our marriage and because I do not know what to do any longer, but because I know if I let this get under my skin (which it pretty much already has), it's just a matter of time before I slip back into the past and say something stupid, or worse, do something stupid that'll end me back up on the tranquilizers.

How can two people, who love each other, be so far apart?