"This you know, my beloved brethren. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. Therefore putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls. But prove yourselves doers of the word, not merely hearers who delude themselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in the mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was." - James 1:19-24 NASB
I wish I could say that I did not let the sun go down on my anger yesterday. I really tried. It could have been worse I suppose, but needless to say the enemy was able to needle me in the stillness of the night and therefor I was restless...my thoughts drifting to scenarios that were clearly not of God. But at that moment in time, the mind can become one's own worst enemy, and my thoughts began to betray my own nature and I found myself concocting future arguments with my wife that will probably never happen.
It got so bad at one point, I was picturing a horrible anniversary that is still months away. I wondered if I could make it on my own. I wondered about divorce, but also knew that was the 'easy', 'worldly' way out of a tough spot.
But why, oh why does it have to be so tough? Cannot my wife see the frustrations on my face, the burdens on my shoulder, the pain in my heart? Are we really that un-evenly yoked? I pray for us. I pray for me...to ask God for peace and maturity and to take control of the situation. I pray for her, that she would come to desire the Lord like I do, to recognize the folly of some of her ways. I pray for us...to return to the love we once shared before we got married.
My feelings were very hurt yesterday. As indicated, my wife went out for her social Monday as usual, but last night she came much later than she has before. I came home to an empty house yesterday at 5:30pm, and put myself to bed at 10pm. My wife came home at 10:30pm and we did not exchange ANY words. She showered and went to bed.
I was upset, but feared if I opened my mouth to say anything....what would it have gotten me? Another long argument? I'd probably say some things I would later regret. And I'm not positive I want to hear anything out of her mouth. Why do I feel so disrespected and ignored in my own house? The house that I pay for?
Yes, she had some drinks last night, and shortly after her head hit the pillow she was sound asleep. This made me even more upset. Here, I sit home alone not knowing when she is coming home, and when she finally does, she falls asleep without any words between us.
I stared at the ceiling until after midnight, seething. I prayed for peace, for comfort, for connection....it was not found.
I took my pillows and made my bed on the couch. The dog slept next to me. And I'll admit, I could feel so much tension inside my body I took a Clonapen to try and relax. I haven't taken one in months, but I felt I needed something to put me off to slumber land lest I really be miserable today.
I got up this morning and went to work. I did manage to say goodbye to her, but I think she was still asleep.
It takes me 25 minutes to get to work, and those 25 minutes are filled with all the events replaying in my head over and over. I don't know what to do, or what to say.
Then I received a comment from a reader who did not know the events that transpired last night and said he found strength in my blog, for he felt similar things in regards to depression and loneliness and not knowing what the point is of everything. That made me fell good, that is that he felt strength in reading my blog. Believe me, my life seems to be a constant struggle and often I too wonder 'whats the point', for my life has been full of heartache, frustration, and disappointment these last few years. There was a point where I didn't care either...that is, I didn't care if I woke up or not the next morning.
So why do I plug on? Because I know there is a God...if nothing else, He loves me. Sure I may have my moments I wish to forget, but they are replaced by moments of pure peace...I just wish they came more often. I often see God's grace and unconditional love through my dog. Staring into the eyes of my puppy gives me a certain peace that people cannot seem to provide.
People are wicked...including myself...for the Bible declares this to be true. We are born into sin, all of us, and all of us reside in a sinful state. I'm not so sure about animals. The joy and comfort and security they give us.....my dog gives me a reason to continue as funny as that sounds. It was through my dog that I rediscovered the God I knew that was always there, but had forgotten about. My dog let me know that there was more to life than the silly antics of humans and our complex relationships full of ego and deception.
I believe God allowed me to have a dog in my life to help ground me because I was so volatile and confused.
I'm going to stop here for now because I think I'm losing focus and need to recollect organize my thoughts.
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