de‧pres‧sion [di-presh-uhn] - noun
1. the act of depressing.
2. the state of being depressed.
3. sadness; gloom; dejection.
4. Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.
5. dullness or inactivity, as of trade.
There are other forms and definitions of depression as well, such as that of a valley, or weather patterns in meteorology, but I am talking about the depression which we feel inside of us.
Depression feels different for everyone, and some people are better apt to cope with it than others are. It can be a mild sadness that is quickly overcome, or deep rooted that last for years. It is varying degrees of pain, emotional and spiritual perhaps resulting in an occasional bad mood to uncontrollable sobbing.
I'm not sure how it starts within people, nor do I claim to understand the science behind it.
I can't sit here and tell you the exact time and date in which depression got a hold of me. I know this sounds weird, but I suspect I may have had the onset of depression for many years and only very recently identified that I was indeed a different person than I was many years ago.
When I say 'different', I mean I recall having more or less a better than average childhood. I was well looked after, in good health, smart, and loved very much by my parents, and I believe I even came to know God and Jesus at an early age. I was considered a man with a quick wit, enjoyable to be around, a hard worker, easy to get along with, and even popular in school by some measures. Overall, I can even admit things have worked out for me....maybe not exactly how I wished or once dreamed them to be, but I recognize that God has a plan for each and everyone of us, and my life could be a lot worse.
I've also been known as a sensitive person. One who can get hurt very easily with stinging words, frustrated by failure or not understanding, sad when bad things happen, empathise with those also in pain.
I guess I also realized this about myself for many years as well. I always wanted to give those who let me down a second or even third chance. Give them the benefit of the doubt, because friendship has a special place in my heart, and I do not like being at odds with people, no matter what the reason.
Because I was conscious of being a sensitive person, I tried and still do try to build up certain walls of protection around me. I want to be viewed as stoic and impenetrable with my emotions and feelings, only to protect myself....my heart...my mind...my spirit...from those that inadvertently hurt me. I often dream of a fantasy persona I have created for myself in which names and wrong doings will never hurt me, and I can shrug them off as casually as someone devoid of feelings.
But I repeatedly fail. And in some cases I fail in front of others...showing that 'weak' side if you will. My friends have seen me cry. My wife has seen me cry. My parents have seen me weep. Strangers have seen me cry. And I am ashamed at this. There is a corner of my mind that says I am too old to show this emotion, too strong to let others see me crumble, that people will consider me emotionally stunted and weak...and we all know that we've been conditioned to think women don't like cry babies. They may like an emotional man once in a blue moon, but a man who walks through life in self doubt and carries with him an air of fragile emotions, well they don't want that in the long wrong. They want to look up to their man, as the head of the house, the backbone of the family, nothing can phase him in the face of familial danger.
About two years ago I became aware of changes taking place inside of me. As time progressed I learned that my friends, family, and wife took notice of these changes for some time before I did. I was having mood swings more often, sleeping less, found myself worrying about things in general, didn't find the humor in things as often, and my wit was becomming more sarcastic in tone. I was at a crossroads in my mind of wanting to be left alone yet also surrounded by those I cared and loved. I sought out Christ in prayers as a last ditch manuever, but often never feeling satisfied with life in general.
My emotions really went on a roller coaster ride at this stage of my life. Though I was indeed hit with some bad news and situations from time to time that would make any sane person sad, I soon found that my moods would peak and plummet within minutes.
I began to cry for no apparant reason. Cry more often and more intensly than I would have liked. I wanted to turn my mind off from the thoughts and feelings that were taking place, but I couldn't, even prayer would not quell my angst.
My wife would ask me what's wrong, and many times I didn't have an answer. Or if I did have an answer, I was afraid to vocalize it in case I hurt her or make the situation worse. My temper was volitile, and while I am not a violent person, I imagined myslef hitting and destroying things. But I never did. I bottled up these raw emotions even deeper in fear of doing something physical and stupid. And when these feelings of inner turmoil and rage began to bubble near the surface, instead of lashing out, I would break down and cry. And cry hard and cry long.
To be continued....
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