So I would have these periodic crying episodes that would hit me at odd times no matter where or what I was doing. I'd begin crying in the car, or in the shower, or on the couch, or in the gym. It didn't matter what time of day it was, or who was around, but generally speaking many times I was alone.
Thoughts of hopelessness would wash over me, but it was hard to pinpoint the exact emotion. Sometimes I felt sorry for myself, sometimes I was mad or frustrated at the world, Sometimes I felt anger, other times sad and lonely. And I'll be honest, there were times I wished I could just go home, curl up in bed and not wake up. Yes, not wake up. I still have that feeling now and again actually. Not that I am contemplating suicide....I'm too scared of hurting myself and I'm scared of death in and of itself, and I fear of God's judgement on taking one's own life. However, there are times where it does sound so much easier to close my eyes and be with Jesus. It is said that all the tears will be wiped away, that we will know joy and experience hapiness like we have never experienced before, and there are times I want that.
There are times I don't want to have to deal with the stresses of any job, family drama, world news and politics, finances, maritial disagreements, an aching body, any more bad news in general. I think about about waking up and having all that removed from my heart and my mind. How I long for internal peace and quiet, something I pray to Christ almost daily about, yet it still alludes me.
I wonder then if I have given Christ control of my life. It seems I am in a catch-22 of my own faith. I pray to God and ask him to relieve me of my personal and emotional burdens for he is in control (that is what I am taught and what I believe), but since I still have these issues, I begin to wonder if I am praying enough or if I really did indeed turn over control. If I have turned over control 100%, then why do I feel this way...ergo, I must not have, and thus must pray harder and release and trust more without taking it back. Am I letting go only to take it back hours later? I hope not and I pray not, yet here I am, seemingly back at square one.
Sometime just over a year ago I was starting to get some pains in my chest, just under my sternum. It felt as if a foreign object had taken up residence inside my chest cavity. I wondered if I had strained a muscle from working out to hard at the gym. Worse, what if I had a cyst or cancerous growth? But it would fade after a few minutes. I would think back to what I had recently eaten, but nothing in my diet seemed out of the ordinary.
The pains continued at random intervals. Sometimes they felt as small as a golf ball, and other times felt as large as a baseball. My chest would get tight, I would have problems concentrating, I would feel my hands getting fidgetity, and note it was hard to catch my breath....even as I was sitting down. Was this the warning signal for an early heart attack?
The realization came one day as I was waiting fro a friend to visit me. A good friend of mine who lives out of town had made arrangements to come stay with me a few days and I offered to meet him at a local restaurant as his sister dropped him off. As I sat there waiting by myself, passing the time sipping on a drink, the symptoms began to start. By the time my friend showed up, my excitment to see him was overshadowed by the internal pain I was actually feeling. As we sat at the bar and he was cathcing me up on old times, I appeared to be listening intently, but underneath my nods and attentive eyes, my thoughts were turned inside. I should be happy right now, but instead I can't breathe....my chest feels like its caught in a vice grip...my fingers are twithcing, and I want to go home and get into bed. What the heck is going on with me?
That whole weekend, I faked most of my happiness as to not let my friend down. Sure I was glad too see him, but for the next 72 hours I felt highly uncomfortable within my own skin, easily agitated, and.....alone.
It was then I knew something was indeed wrong with me and I needed to talk to someone. But who? My parents? My friends? My wife? No, I needed to see a doctor, so I made an appointment to have a regular checkup.
To be continued....
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