It's been over a week since part one of this entry, and for all intents and purposes I'm over it, or we're over it as I am not as emotionally distraught about that night as I was the day following it.
I do know that I was hurt and angry. Hurt in the sense my wife really knew how to push my buttons that night and I was incredulous she blurted out what she did....as if I just sat on my butt all day long. Angry in the sense, I couldn't understand why she couldn't put herself in my shoes and listen to her nag and go 'off' on me. Angry that if I were another type of person, and not have some idea about spirituality or basic human morals, I could have decked her. One of those rare occassions on where in my head that a single hard blow couldn't solve. But of course as I think this, I also think about the police, going to jail, my parents, her parents and so many more ramifications that would not prove beneficial to me. But I'll be honest in saying, sometimes I can 'almost' empathize on why spouses end up hitting their mate....I was brought right up to the edge, just one iota away from knocking her into next week.
I feel somewhat ashamed for writing those last few sentences. But am I truly ashamed at my feelings? Feelings and emotions that are hard to control in the heat of the moment? It's always easy after the fact to look back and realize how foolish and stupid that would have been, but who really thinks when we are emotional or full of rage? That's why there are those defenses I suppose of momentary insanity, where we step out of our grounded mind and we become someone else, even if it's just for a split second. That's all it takes. One split second to lose your cool and hurt someone you love. I imagine there are millions of people who did cross that line for a split second, and are now very, very sorry.
How do we allow our emotions to get the better of us? Especially if we say we believe in God and want to worship and please him and lead a Christ-like life. I don't know.
I do know that Christ said to love your enemies, forgive a person 7 times 70 if they confess and repent, etc., etc..
I forgive my wife, but did she or does she forgive me? That, I can't answer either. My wife has a very hard time saying sorry. It's almost as if that word has been erased from her own vocabulary, and that hurts as well. I admit when I am wrong, and generally when I cool down and realize I was mistaken, I have no problem going to her, or anybody else for that matter and saying that I was wrong and that I am sorry. Sometimes it does paign me, but I generally feel better afterwards.
Anyway, we went to bed and she left the television on loud enough to spite me, loud enough to as where she 'knew' I couldn't sleep. Baiting me to start up again. But I didn't want to talk to her either, I was angry and stubborn, and afraid of round two. So I lay in bed, miserable, not being able to sleep, not giving her the satisfaction of addressing her anymore that evening.
And just like that, the next evening she acted as if it never happened. We went to work that morning not saying anything to each other, and when she got home, she talked to me as if the preceeding incident never happened. That's my wife's idea of saying sorry...pretend it never happened and everything is okay. Man, I loathe that, but I also loathe fighting with her too. I wonder if the Holy Spirit ever convicts her as it does me. I know I feel guilty and not right when we argue, and I hate that feeling.
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