This past weekend, a member of my new church passed away unexpectedly from what may be a heart-attack. He was 46 years old, at work, and in good shape by all accounts, and it was instant.
He leaves behind a wife and two children in their early teens. I know his name, but can't place his face, nor that of his wife or children, yet when I learned of this I was deeply saddened for his widow and kids. I don't even know this man, perhaps he handed me the Sunday bulletin one morning as he was a greeter for the church, and yet I cried and broke into instant prayer for comfort for his family.
Some say he was under a considerable amount of stress. I don't know his history, but more than one person mentioned stress and that he often internalized it. This scares me...literally....as the little I know about him parallels my life quite a bit. Some would say I am in better that average shape. Actually I know I am, and I would be in better shape if I hadn't injured myself and had a few corrective shoulder surgeries this last year.
But I recognize that I am very bad with stress, and I tend to internalize it as well. Sometimes it gets bad enough were I take medication to help calm me down. I've seen a few doctors and with my sleep patterns and slightly elevated blood pressure and some other symptoms I often think, no dwell on stress. I've really been praying as of late to have God help me learn to disengage my stress, to learn how to 'take it easy' without being lazy. Not sure it works. When it gets bad enough, a tightening in the chest or shortness of breath, I pop a pill or have a drink. Not a very glamourous solution, but a quick fix that gets me over the hump until next time.
I often wonder how I am going to die. I know Christ doesn't want us to think that way. He asks (or is it commands) that we are not to worry, that when our time is up, its up, so no use dwelling on it. With my family's history of longevity, I used to think I would live into my eighties or even nineties, but I'm not so sure anymore. Lately I've been thinking I'm a candidate of a stress related heart attack or even cancer that is brought on by stress.
Lately my church has been talking about receiving a new and restored body in heaven and/or paradise. I think about that a lot too. As much as I don't want to die, I sometimes think my life would be easier if I fell asleep and never woke up. Depression will do that to you. I am not strong enough to think about suicide and I even though I am not Catholic, I do think that suicide is an unforgiveable sin. I also feel guilty for thinking that way, because I know compared to many others I live a very lucky life and God has always provided. There are many that have lost everything, maybe their health, a family member, all their savings or something else. But I can't stop shake the occasional thought of not waking up and being in paradise.
I'm pretty lucky as far as my body goes I suppose. There are those with disfigurements, mental and/or physical handicaps that find complete joy in life or joy in God. Myself, I've been blessed with decent looks and a strong body, but some physical abuse in the gym and working out has started to wear it down now. No longer am I the 25 year old who could bench press 350 lbs. In the last ten years I have blew out my right knee (torn meniscus and ACL), torn my right rotator cuff twice that ended up in intensive and painful surgeries, have a bad back (a recent MRI shown two fractures when I was teen I didn't even knwo about) that the doctor said someday I'm a candidate for having pins placed in my lower back.
Now in my mid 30's I ache a lot more. My body is often sore. Especially when it gets colder, my shoulder and back often have a dull ache and I'm only in my 30's. I can imagine what kind of pain I'll be in 20 years or more. I imagine my new body in heaven. I wonder if I will look the same. Can you imagine a body that doesn't age, or gets hurt, or suffers from pain? Forever?
In a way, I'm envious of the man who just recently passed. He already has his new body, and all that depression and stress and pain has been washed away FOREVER. We may be sad here, but he is living paradise in the glory of God today. It makes me cry. I hate being depressed.
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