What Dreams May Come

My slumber has been plagued with unpleasant dreams as of late.

Over the course of the last 2 weeks, I have had no less than 7 dreams regarding my estranged wife.  So I'm averaging one psuedo nightmare once every two nights.  So 'nightmare' may be a bit strong, so lets just say they contained very 'life-like' experiences that were not pleasing or made me uncomfortable.

Of course they dealt with our relationship, or recent lack-of.

I think about all the hours I've prayed, the hours spent in various public and private forums: Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, men's groups, licensed therapists, positive reinforcement from friends and family....and I guess on a subconscious level. I'm pretty traumatized or messed up.

I wonder if all the stuff in my head the last few years that led me to depression, general unhappiness, and final resorting to "happy" pills was an offshoot, or manifestation, of deep down feelings I had or didn't have in reagrds to marital "love".

I spoke with my mom last night via phone, and I had to admit to her that my definition of intimate love with a mate, is tainted and corrupt now.  I know it's still new and raw, but I seriously don't know how people recover once their hearts have been broken.  I understand at some rudimentary level now when I hear actual cases of peoples health diminishing and in some rare cases people dying because of a "broken heart".

As of this writing, my wife would have walked out for supposed greener pastures 9 months tomorrow.  We have not spoken to each other now in two weeks.  Every time I think of her, I have a bag of emotions: hurt, frustration, disapointment, anger.....but not hate.  No, I don't hate her.  I was involved with her for just over 10 years.  I may question every poor decision she has made over and over again in my head, never really satisfied with any single answer....And I continually question myself why I allowed this to go on for so long.  Out of fear?  Out of rejection?  Out of lack of confidence?

I can't presume to know one iota on what is going on in her mind.  Where her true emotions are.  I may never know.  It flips flops.  One week she wants to reconcile and tell me how much she changed, how much she misses me, how she still loves me.  The next week she doesn't speak to me, blames me and my family for her shortcomings, becomes difficult, etc.

I've seen her cry in person in regards to our relationship.  But in all honesty, I really don't know if they are real or crocodile tears in knowing I'm not going to be manipulated anylonger, not be an open checkbook, not going to put up with this shit.

There's the impasse....my inability to decipher or determine what she says today is real and heartfelt, or not...just another sham.  In listening to her family from months ago (they have since back tracked and changed their tune), my family, and mutual friends...they have gone on to use words to describe her with not so kind definitions or descriptors.  So why am I having such a hard time digesting the overwhelming evidence and advice?

I bought some Epsom salts yesterday.  The overnight temperature hit the mid 30's where I live.  It's expected to be both windy and cold again tonight.  I am going to the store after work and treat myself to a nice bottle of whisky...something that has not been in my house in a while now.  I am going to sit in a tub, soak in hot Epsom salts, and sip a nice whisky on the rocks.  It's a poor mans spa day.

I just want the dreams to stop.