I have once again allowed myself to be overtaken by the thoughts of the world. Those thoughts are the natural outcome of grief, guilt, shaky faith, uncertainty, and a lack of trust that God is with me every moment of every day.
I've been having a hard time as of late getting into the Holiday spirit. I have not decorated the inside of the house, haven't thought about baking (yes, I do in fact bake), haven't started my Christmas shopping, and internally cringe when I think about decorating the outside of the house.
People with kind hearts and well meant advice will tell you that the best way to overcome grief and depression is to continue your normal habits, even if that other person is no longer there to share them with you, to help, or to be a part of.
Thanksgiving wasn't the same this year....you can read about that from an earlier post.
As I sit still on my couch on a rainy day this past Sunday, the same thoughts begin to creep in regarding Christmas. This may be the last year my grandfather is with me (he's 96 now). My Aunt and Uncle live at least 2+ hours away. My step-daughter and nephews have their own lives and families and will spend this year with my wife's family. Speaking of which...again....this will be the first time in 10 years that I have not spent the Holidays with my inlaws. I am not sure my exact feelings on all this. Other than right this minute, I try not to think about it too much. The less I think about it, the better I am. Out of sight, out of mind.
During a brief break in the weather yesterday, and sheer boredom, I went ahead and decorated the outside of my house. The funny thing is, is that I am not sure for whom I decorated for. Was it for me? Was it habit in order for me not to look like the neighborhood Grinch? A sign to the neighbors I'm still alive and kicking? Was it for the little kids on my street who pass by my house everyday to and from school so that I contniue to make their memories special? Was it a silent punishment towards myself to remind me what my life has been for the past 9 years? Do I secretly wish to recapture any feeling of Christmas altogther, for as of late I feel as I am missing it?
There's probably a small fraction of all those things together somewhere banging around in my head. I just don't really know, but the fact is I did it.
I *had* to call my wife on Thursday night last week after speaking with my lawyer to see if she had any input whatsoever on the negotiation process. I didn't want to make the call, but I have to get this ball rolling, and I had to man up.
The call was very tough.
Same 'ole, same 'ole. She tried to turn all this into one colossal guilt trip for me. I didn't want to argue back. Not that I beleive she is right, it just seems pointless for me to waste energy on getting heated up and discussing reality with someone who just doesn't want to listen, who doesn't beleive they are n the wrong, who still fails to take ownership of certain things. Yes, those things are in the past, but all your pleading, accustaions, guilt trips, manipulation of words doesn't change the facts and doesn't change the decisions made, and doesn't change the amount of hurt. I can forgive...I just cannot forget....and I will not allow myself to be a sucker any longer.
I don't care if you think I listen to my family and my friends too much. The feelings are the same...I am a much better person in everyone eyes without the never ending drama, arguing for arguing sake, hurtful things said and done. There is an overwhelming consenus that you may have changed on the outside, but it's only temporary, and because you have nowhere else to go, and now you realize that. You realize what a mistake you have made, and I am the bigger fool if I turn my cheek yet again and accept it. That is me saying the last 10 years I am willing to give you a pass on...a do-over.
Well, I'm not.
She asked me if I still *loved* her.
That was Thursday night, and it has entertained my thought process for almost 4 days now, and truth be told.....the more I think about it...the more I have convinced myself I'm not sure what that kind of love is anymore.
Isn't that sad?
Oh, I know I love my parents. I love my dog. I love my God. I love my friends. But intimate love between mates, husband/wife, lovers? I don't beleive I understand the definition anylonger. That feeling has been tainted. You stopped being my best friend years ago when you skipped out on our Anniversary and my birthday...because bowling was more important. The definition got warped when Valentines day came and went and I didn't even get a card. I don't know what "love" is anymore when I come home and the closets are empty and you travel to a diffrent state without telling me where you are going, or when you are coming back. I don't know what intimate love is when you ask your friends to cover for you and 'pretend' you are having a sleepover with your girlfriends only for me to find out later it was all a lie and you may or may not have been with a male companion. And you tell me today you love me and I need to let the past be the past and we can move on from here.
No, I'm sorry...I cannot. Maybe you can...but that has been your MO for as long as I have known you...sweep it under the rug and ask for a do-over. No, a do-over makes me an idiot, and possibly setting me up for a worse fall than I have aleady endured sometime in the future.
No, you made your bed, you must now lay in it. And maybe you have changed. Maybe deep down you are turning over a new leaf. Maybe you have been reborn. I'm just no longer willing to take the risk to find out. I will never know 100% if you really love me, or it's just a charade because I'm a pushover and I'm easy and I'm a security blanket.
Your sister and brother and mom and dad may no longer wish to speak with me anylonger. That sucks, it hurts, but I guess it's okay. Let them pay your bills now. Let them deal with the half-truths. Let them deal with the shitty attitude and mood swings. They've only dealt with it for 4 months. I dealt with it for 9 years.
The good news is that I know women that already want to date me now. The bad news is now I understand that my 'love' is tainted. I am on constant guard. My walls are being built up. I don't know what "trust" is anylonger. AS many days as I break down, there are now days I am also unfazed, because my belief in these matetrs has been shattered. I look at the millions of pieces of emotions strewn about my feet in a large blast radius, and I don't even know where to begin to begin for re-assembly.
I went to my parents house for dinner last night.
I needed to. I needed to hear from them one more time that I am in fact making the right decision. That I am not second-guessing myself. That someday this will all pass, and happiness can be mine again...because I deserve it.
My mom made polenta grassa....an Italian dish. A rarity and a treat. It was so good, and each bite reminded me that I was 10 years old again and with my grandparents. It was comforting and familiar. As I sat and ate slowly, I looked around my parents house....the house I grew up in the first 18 years of my life. What I wouldn't do to go back. It felt cozy, and warm, and loving and peaceful.
I just sat there and allowed myself to decompress for an hour or so. My mom allowed me to take some leftovers home...which I gladly did. It was a rainy night, and when I got home a nice hot shower followed by crawling into my bed at 9:30 and drifting to sleep. I got up this morning at 7:18am, so it was a good 10 hours and I loved it. I'm hoping I can recpature it again tonight.
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