"You owe me!"

That thought came into my head today at lunch and I instantly knew it was wrong.

It was birthed by my festering foul mood that is ongoing, even now, as I write this. Here's to hoping that my blog today will let me express my anger (whether justified...or not) and prove to be the therapuetic tool I often pretend it to be.

Thinsg have been going well for all intents and purposes between my wife and I as of late...that it the last few weeks anyway. She even took me to a very nice lunch yesterday and we had been spending more time with each other as of late which is something I have often longed for.

Last night I was watching television at around 10pm and out of nowhere my wife asks me: "Have I been a bitch this last week?"

Uh, oh. This cannot be a good sign under any circumstances and the timing of the question seems odd to me.

I sat silent for a what seemed liked two-three minutes (actually more like only 15 seconds actually transpired but my silence was an awkward pause of really trying to examine her question) and a few thoughts raced in my head all at once: 1) Why is she asking this? 2) ::I replayed the events of the past 2 weeks in my head, seriously searching for a 'questionable' moment::, 3) What is she really asking and why? 4) How do I answer?

I couldn't really think of a bad moment, and cautiously answered "No.", waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, who asks this at 10pm on a Wed. night if they don't have something on their mind?

I won't go into the blow by blow accounts, but before I knew it I heard myself saying "Really? You want to pick a fight at 10:20pm....out of nowhere....when I am just minding my own business watching TV?"

She said this wasn't a fight....but I know better than that by now. No matter what I say, or don't say...I am not going to escape this. Sure as shit...she was on a mission....she had a burr up her behind about something (I still don't know what)...and before I knew it I'm on the defensive in regards to things that: A) Were never said, B) Never transpired, C) And other "facts" were created out of thin-air.

I felt completely blind-sided, ambushed, and 'talked-down' to for the better half of 30 minutes. By this time, I am getting heated myself. I start to swear, I start to raise my voice, I de-evolved myself to a pointing-finger high school brat (something I am quite aware of....and certainly not proud of).

Once again, trying to regain my composure and put an end to "who knows what", I pointed out she started this...not me...I was just watching TV and getting ready for bed.

The icing of the cake was the moment she said to me: "You put me down."

WHAT?????

Since my wife has lost her job about 5 weeks back (she still isn't working), I have completely stayed out of her way....VERY SENSITIVE to the fact she's feeling vulnerable and scared. I feel I have been very supportive in her downtime. I have often thanked her for cleaning the house, cooking meals, walking the dog more oftenm taking me to lunch. Never once have I demanded to see her resume, asked who, when and how many resumes she sent out or how the job search is going. I haven't asked her to clean, to cook (maybe walk the dog so I didn't have to when I came home), and I AM PUTTING HER DOWN?

I ask "How?" "How am I putting you down?" "What have I said or done?" At this point I have reached my limit. I am pissed. I am angry. I am livid we are at each others throat at 10:45pm...and I still can't even tell you how this spun out of control. I finally said I was "Done" And "I'm going to bed".

"No your not.", she said. "I am talking to you and you are going to listen."

"No, You have talked for 45 minutes and I have listened. It's late, I don't want to fight, I don't even know what I am fighting about, or why I am on the defensive."

I know myself....well enough....that I have to walk away right now, despite her needling, lest I REALLY say or DO something we (more so me) will regret. She yelled after me..."F"-it...I just walked upstairs and went to bed....angry at about 11:15.

She finally came up at around midnight and went to bed as well, but nothing was said to me.

I woke up at 3am....still angry....and asked Jesus to lift my anger so I could get back to sleep. I prayed a simple prayer and was back to sleep in minutes....only to get up at 6:30 am still angry.

I got ready for work by myself and left without saying "Goodbye". Yes, I should be the bigger person. I should say "Good-bye" and tell her I "love" her because you never know if today is going to be your last day....But I didn't and I'm still mad.

I'm also mad she hasn't attempted to contact me yet so far today to either: a) apologize, b) see how I am doing. No "sorry" isn't in her vocabulary.

So anyway, what up with "You owe me"?

I was sitting at lunch, thinking about...trying to piece together....what in the hell happened last night. After a few weeks of getting along just fine, better than fine mind you...seeing a glimmer of my old wife, she wants to start a self-made tussle.

I was angry at God. "You owe me." came from the thought that for all the 'crap' I put up with, I figure God better have something good for me in the end. I need a pass into heaven, a sure thing to peace and joy and happiness...damn everyone else. So un-christian and oh-so-human.

No...Damn me. Damn me for getting sucked into an immature, finger pointing argument. Damn me for going to bed angry and letting this anger consume me today. Damn me for 'demanding' God owes me anything at all.

Sigh.

Anger is such a consuming emotion and serves no purpose other than taking our eyes of the big picture.