90% there

There's been a flurry of activity over the past 48 hours, and I've been waiting both nervously and optomistically for an email any minute from my lawyer today.

It appears, and I say this with extreme caution, that my wife and I may have reached a tentative agreement.

This will allow me to keep my dog (I believe she didn't really want him anyway, just using him as emotional leverage), my boyhood collections, and most of everything I wanted to begin with.  Yes, there will be a few sacrifices of objects I paid for, but they can all be replaced with brand new ones in time. 

It appears we have one last sticking point, and my lawyer is doing his best to negotiate this the best he can.  When I know more, or get word bag, I will update.

That being said, this last attempted push at settling before we go to court has me experiencing mutliple emotions all at once.

This morning I awoke at 4:40am, only because I beleive my mind cannot turn off in anticipation of what may happen, and this may finally be over.

I am angry and sad.  I am nervous, anxious, and uptight.  My body is rejecting food right now as evidence by my numerous trips to the restroom.

In speaking with some friends, they all believe I am getting a good deal and started to congratulate me, but I have been very outspoken to them is stating "A failure of a marriage is nothing to celebrate" even if thins are looking up for me.  I still lost a lot.  Perhaps not in objects, but I lost a lot if broken friendships, the loss of a family, and 10 years of my life I can not get back.  The chances of falling in love again will probably always be met with a certain hesitation and skepticism.  The vetting process of a new spouse will be much more arduous and thorough.  I will need to consider things like their financial standings, their spirituality, how they treat their parents and children and friends.  I will need to study their motivations....not just in looking for love, but how they view their work and their everyday outlook of the mundane.  Study their priorities...Are they looking for a husband, a life partner, or someone who will just be a financial security blanket.

This process has been long, and hard, and emotional.  I do feel as if I have aged a good 5 years over the last 2 years.  I can't tell you how much sleep I have lost, how many tears have trailed down my cheeks, how many times I wanted to turn to a bottle or run away, how many prayers I have said on my knees pleading to my Lord who at times seem to be slow to answer or silent altogether.

That in itself has been both a teaching and lesson in faith.  I endure because of my belief in a God who wants to restore us although at times I felt completely alone and even angry at Him.  I still pray to Him even if the results aren't what I was hoping for or expecting.

I am hoping that sometime over the next 48 hours I will know the outcome and I can finally begin to shut this chapter, take a much needed restorative breath and break, and begin a new chapter in my life in the weeks ahead.