Reflections

The title of this post came to me at 1:09am last night.

I had already gone to bed previously around 10pm, but my brain must have been on overdrive thinking about my upcoming court date next week.  The only sound in my room at the time was the whirring of the ceiling fan blades above me and I tried my hardest to fall back alseep.

But you know when you try to fall asleep, it just doesn't come that easy.  It's like the Sandman is standing at the foot of the bed mocking you, letting you know you're going to be crabby and fighting to keep your eyes open the following afternoon.

So, I began to pray.  Pray for a lot of different things: that my grandfather finds peace in his twilight hours, that my friends daughters surgery this week goes well, that I can keep my beloved dog, that the judge finds wisdom and is fair at our trial, and most importantly I find peace when this is all over.

See, my wife wanted to delay our trial another two months earlier this week.  She feels that we can negotiate further.  Problem is, in all of our previous discussions, she has shown no evidence of willing to really negotiate, instead she keeps wanting more and more.  I also understand her regular lawyer now won't be available for that date, so she has to get a substiture lawyer to fill in.  She also explained that she didn't want to spend the money on the trial.  Well, neither do I, but I need to get this over with and behind me, and the thought of another two month delay and the cost of all the other legal stuff stuff during that time really doesn't save either of us any money in the long run.  In fact, it may cost us even more since we'd most likely go to trial anyway based on her unwillingness to capitulate on anything.

Instead I gave one final 'fair' setllement offer.  My lawyer agrees that it is in her best interest to take my deal, because if we go the route she is currently taking, although she might get a little more, it will be for naught because of all the additional expenses she will incur, and thus it will be a wash and she'll end up only with alimony.  For the first time, I finally see a small glimmer that despite me paying out alimony for the next few years, I will get to keep a majority of the stuff I purchased to begin with.

So....Reflections.

Yesterday afternoon I was to meet my parents and one of their best friends for dinner in celebration of this persons birthday.  I got there a bit early, so I went to a tap house nearby, and bellied up to the bar and had a pint. 

I had the next 40 minutes to kill, by myself, as I sat at the stainless steel counter.  I just wanted to relax, take a few breaths, and mentally prepare myself that it will all be over next week.  I thought about our wedding day...how gorgeous she was in her dress.  I think about my inlaws, how I miss them so and all the family gatherings I was once a part of.

As I sat there, a young couple (late 20's, maybe early 30's) pulled up chairs next to me.  He was handsome, and she was stunning.  Although I kept to myself, he made jokes, she laughed....and all I could think about was that was me and my wife 10 years ago, when love was fresh and exciting and smiles all around.

Shortly thereafter another young woman pulls up a chair to my left and orders a Jack & Coke (nice) and texting on her phone.  Soon she is joined by her boyfriend who arrives 10 minutes later, and they engage in small talk as well...enjoying each others company.

And I find myself sitting between these two young couples and the VCR in my head begins to replay my courtship that played out just like this 10-11 years ago.

Across the bar, there is another single dude.  He looks a bit older than me, with longer hair a ridiculous earring (you're too old for that man) drinking a 'yard' of beer.  Throughout teh 40 minutes I was there, we made eye contact with each other a few times.  I couldn't help but wonder if he is thinking the same thing I am thinking of him: dude, you're alone at a bar....drinking by yourself, surrounded by young couples.  Am I that dude, just more clean cut?  God, I hope not.